“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.12 “Loyal and True”

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Incoming — There! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a Peabody-purveying helicopter!

Before I explain what that means, I have to note that the arrival of the helicopter takes about 57 days. Why the extreeeemely long shot? It was enough time for me to have this discussion with my girlfriend:

— What’s that?

— Um, it’s a … is it Mothra?

— It’s a chopper.

— I thought a chopper was a kind of motorcycle.

— You’re a kind of motorcycle.

— Good one. Hey, is that Lily Allen singing in the background?

— Ooh, nice.

— Anyway. Yeah. OK, yeah, it’s a helicopter.

— Maybe it’s Peggy Peabody. She knows how to arrive in style.

— Oh, no, wait, it’s an ambulance helicopter. Oh, maybe Kit retrieved that gun and Denbo is now a human sieve!

— Oh, look, it really is Peggy Peabody! In an air ambulance? Noooo!

Or something like that. I’m not sure we’re actually that witty; it was probably more along the lines of “Wha?” “Gah!” “Hmm.” “Aaah!”

So. Peggy Peabody on a stretcher is not a pleasant image. But I like the way she’s barking orders to her assistants. And then she calls for her daughter.

Helena: Right here, mummy!

Peggy: [looking up, nearly leaping off the stretcher] What on earth are you wearing?!

Aw. It’s very nice to see them. And I like what you’re wearing, Helena! You look all tan and healthy. Clearly Dusty’s island getaway agrees with you.

Low art — A naked Shane is taking pictures of a naked Molly, who’s still in bed. Uh, when did Shane become a photographer? Just in time to take part in an homage to High Art, I guess. It seems almost shot-for-shot, and it makes me want to watch the movie instead.

High Art:

Low Art:

Molly doesn’t want to get out of bed, but they have to: They have breakfast plans with Phyllis. Yum!

Not such a good morning — Alice and Tasha are both out of bed, and Alice has made coffee. That, to me, is the ideal way to wake up — not to Alice and Tasha and coffee, necessarily. Just to coffee that I didn’t have to make.

But Tasha is grumpy, apparently because she is now — as we can see by her uniform — a security guard. Is that really so terrible? I mean, you’re adorable in the uniform.

Alice helps her put on her badge, which says Cal-Mart. OK, yeah. That kinda sucks.

Alice: It’s a cute picture.

Tasha: Mm hmm. F— you.

Tasha gulps down some of the coffee but doesn’t want any breakfast. Even worse, she doesn’t seem to want a goodbye kiss from Alice. Inconceivable! Alice just stands there uncertainly for a moment, watching Tasha go.

Then she sits down and sighs.

The hospital — Peggy Peabody has been stung by an Irukandji jellyfish. Helena doesn’t understand why there’s no antidote. Well, Helena, that’s precisely the problem: There’s no antidote for lazy writing. Believe me, I’ve looked, having poisoned my own words earlier today.

Anyway, this particular jellyfish is very lethal, so Peggy proceeds to make her dying wishes known to her daughter. She needs to know that her daughter is “situated.”

Peggy: A drab little hut in the dregs of Tahiti with the tax-evading granddaughter of a vanilla-pod picker doesn’t strike me as situated. Helena, the Peabodys are keepers, not only of a vast fortune, but of a legacy —

Helena: Mummy. I’m. Not. Interested.

Peggy: It really isn’t a proposition, Helena. You are my sole beneficiary.

Oh, Holland Taylor — I love the way you’re playing this, as if you’re a consumptive on a couch, liable to slip away at any moment.

Peggy just wants Helena to take an interest in the “day-to-day” of the Peabody Foundation, but Helena excuses herself to get an update from the doctors.

Helena: I have a standby return ticket. it’s going to cost me $75 if I need to change it.

I don’t even know what that means, really. I just know that I’ve missed Helena, so I’m delighting in her every word.

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