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“Top Chef” Recaps: Episode 4.2 “Zoo Food”

THIS WEEK’S KITCHEN ESSENTIALS:

Quickfire: Who knows how to count to five? Elimination: Lions and tigers and bears, oh yum! Padmaism: “Did you say balsamic?”
Windy City wake-up – It’s morning in the casa of phatness, and the cheftestants begin to rise and shine. Chicago girls Stephanie (that’s Ms. Yoda Backpack, if you’re nasty) and Valerie are working out. Stephanie shares that her secret weapon during the first Elimination Challenge was using “Eye of the Tiger” as her personal theme song. That’s fine, as long as she doesn’t start punching a side of beef or chugging raw eggs. Valerie confesses that Jennifer and Zoi aren’t the only chefs who knew each other before coming on the show. Years ago she worked with Stephanie at a restaurant in Chicago, and she is “relieved to have a friend in this competition, at least for now.” Anyone else’s Spidey senses just start to tingle?

Spike tells Kiwi Mark he was sad to see Nimma go and actually thought Mark was going to be the one sent packing. Psychological gamesmanship before your morning coffee should be illegal.

Over in the den of love, Jennifer and Zoi are checking out each other’s sensible shoes. They decide to swap and then swap again. It’s like the gayest thing ever. Then they say that they’re trying to keep their distance from one another. Though to be fair, they didn’t say they were trying to keep their distance from each other’s shoes. To market, to market – The 15 remaining chefs troop out to Chicago’s Green City Market. Their mission is to use ingredients from the farmer’s market to create a “delicious entrée.” (Side note: Wouldn’t it be great if Padma threw them for a loop one of these challenges and said their mission was to create a “truly heinous entrée, like epically bad”? Maybe that’s just me.)

But what is the ever-present catch? The chefs can only use five ingredients. The only items that won’t count toward this number are salt, pepper, sugar and oil.

As they all ponder which five to choose out of more than 500 ingredients available at the market, I ponder the sleeve tattoo on Jen’s right arm. Hey Bravo, how about a close-up for us lesbians? As they descend on the market, everyone is a blur of activity. Everyone, that is, except for Spike, who has decided that Elimination Challenges are like the first quarter in basketball – really not that important. Instead he stops to listen to the music. Brilliant strategy or just plain lazy? You decide.

Honorary chefbian Richard buys eucalyptus for his dish. Uh, can you eat that? I thought it was just for cough drops and potpourri. (Answer: yes, in small doses.)

Mark grows impatient with the vendors and runs around frantically. In his hurry, he leaves one of his bags at a stall and rushes off. Have you learned nothing from Aesop’s Fables, mate? Slow and steady wins the race.

Five by five – Back at the Top Chef Kitchen, guest judge Wylie Dufresne, the chef/owner of New York’s wd-50 restaurant and molecular gastronomist extraordinaire, is introduced. Fellow molecular gastronomist Richard grins at him like a teenager in love. Someone has a man-crush.

As the contestants run to their respective stations, Richard explains the finer point of molecular gastronomy while secretly making moon-eyes at Chef Dufresne.

Richard: Molecular gastronomy is not whiz-bang gadget gizmo. It’s the basis to take traditional items and because of science make them better.
He blinded me with science!

Mark decides to use butter instead of his forgotten lettuce. Um, is butter a normal substitute for lettuce? I’ve never rooted around my fridge while making a salad and thought, “I’m out of spring greens, but I’m in luck – I still have a stick of butter!” This seems like it would considerably cut down on the healthy aspect of eating salads.

Spike opens his tenderloin tips and deems it “dog meat.” He also drops what I believe is this episode’s first F-bomb. Either producers sat the chefs down to talk about their use of FCC-unfriendly language or everyone broadened their vocabularies in the past week.

Stick ’em up – As the chefs make with the cooking, I’m reminded of that old saying, “too many cooks in the kitchen.” So is Valerie, who struggles to find a free burner on the stove.

The seconds tick away as the finishing touches are applied to plates, and then it’s “if you’re happy and you know it, raise your hands” time. That or they’re all being robbed.

Time to chow down. Whose cuisine reigned supreme? Oh, wait, wrong show.

  • Richard‘s eucalyptus chicken soup: Not terribly strong in eucalyptus.
  • Ryan‘s sirloin steak: Properly cooked, simple, tasty.
  • Dale‘s mushroom egg: I like these mushrooms.
  • Valerie‘s seared rib eye: Very refreshing, very juicy.
  • Spike‘s apples and tips: I thought this was going to be a sandwich.
  • Erik‘s lamb chops: All right, thank you.
  • Mark‘s peach cream sirloin: Nice sideburns.
  • Andrew‘s petite lamb chops: Disqualified for using a sixth ingredient, balsamic vinegar.
Andrew: I’m a dumbass, what can I say … I can only focus on a certain amount of things at a time. I’m kind of a little scatter-brained like that.
I hereby add the nickname ADD Andrew to his previously dubbed moniker, F-bomber Andrew.

The Bad: Spike (wasn’t creative), Erik (wasn’t a composed plate), Richard (wasn’t refined). The Good: Ryan (was moist and juicy), Valerie (was flavorful), Mark (was nicely brought together).

Mark is named the winner and gets immunity, thanks to his missing lettuce ad lib. Though I think there might be some vast sideburn conspiracy at work here. Animal magnetism – The Elimination Challenge arrives, and it’s time to draw knives. Words such as vulture and bear are printed on each blade. The chefs start to panic.

Antonia: OK, so people definitely eat bear. So, I’m like, can you braise bear?
Next they see lion. ADD Andrew focuses his mind enough to know that he wants lion. He then proceeds to make a growling sound that can best be described as a mix between Daffy Duck and the MGM lion.

Penguin and gorilla are the final knives, and thanks to the latter’s endangered status, the chefs all realize that the animals won’t be their entrees. Instead, they form teams of three according to the beast they’ve drawn. Their task is to cater a cocktail party for 200 based on their respective animal’s diet.

Oh, and that party, it’s at Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo. At this point I think Jennifer might have the edge, since her nickname is the Beast.

Speaking of our lady-hawked chefbian, Bravo continues to try to mine for dyke drama by having Jennifer comment on Zoi not being on her team. She says it’s fine, but once they make it to the final three, then they’ll really get to butt heads. She makes an accompanying fist-bump gesture.

This reminds me of that scene on The L Word where Jodi teaches the gals the sign for lesbian sex. Look, this episode is a little slow; Andrew’s not the only one whose mind wanders.

Meanwhile on Team Vulture, Zoi is worried about what she will have to cook along with Mark and Manuel. Can you pan-sear a decomposing carcass? Luckily, they all get dossiers on their animal’s diet, and there is nary a sun-bloated piece of roadkill in sight.

At this point I’d like to note that getting the word sun-bloated into a story about cooking may be my crowning literary achievement to date.

Team Girl-illa (Valerie, Stephanie, Antonia) supplement their great ape’s vegetarian fare with some meat. Valerie worries about what PETA the judges will say. Team Lion (Ryan, Richard, Erik) gets its carnivore on, Team Penguin (Jennifer, Lisa, Andrew) go under the sea, and Team Bear (Dale, Spike, Nikki) argue about control.

Smells like team spirit – Back at the townhouse, Jennifer and Zoi are lying together in bed, discussing which animal they’d like to be. Aww, chefbian snuggle moment. Zoi picks a bear.

Meanwhile, Mark and Dale pose the classic Superman vs. Mighty Mouse argument but with bear vs. vulture. Mark argues vulture, Dale mocks him with his bear-like ego. Mark assures the cameras that despite his immunity, he still plans to come at the challenge with guns blazing.

Team Girl-illa are nervous because no one has catering experience. I’d be nervous too, but I’m too busy wondering whether black clogs are the chef shoe of choice. I also wonder if any of those shoes are bi-curious. But that’s just my mind wandering again. Another stop at Whole Foods and the chefs gather up their ingredients. Seeing them run around always reminds me of that old game show Supermarket Sweep. I don’t know why, but I was mesmerized by that show as kid. Maybe it was just the wonder of turning the acquisition of food into a game of skill. But I digress.

Spike tips his hand by revealing that his strategy is to “morph into an animal” for the Elimination Challenge, instead of the lackadaisical bum he is during the Quickfire. He also says he is “molesting the produce section.” Freud, much? Elsewhere in the produce section, Lisa trips on a stray veggie that was on the floor. Clean up in aisle six! Spike walks past her with an incredible grin on his face, and for some reason the Beastie Boys song “Sabotage” starts running through my head.

Chefs of the jungle – Back at the kitchen, there are three hours to cook, and culinary mayhem ensues. Team Penguin decides to make a “flavored glacier jelly mold.” But will they float little marshmallows in it like Grandma used to do? F-bomber Andrew returns as he expresses his childlike enthusiasm about the “f—ing glacier!”

Richard breaks out more of his toys. His locker is starting to seem like Mary Poppins’ magic carpet bag. Could a coat rack and potted plant be next?

Valerie confesses that she has never made blinis without serving them right away. There goes that Spidey sense again.

Head Judge Tom Colicchio comes in to intimidate – I mean, check up on the cheftestants. He seems particularly intrigued by Team Penguin’s glacier. Then comes the inevitable global warming joke, and somewhere, Al Gore is looking at his Nobel Prize and sighing.

Team Bear are less pleased. Nikki’s blueberry-and-walnut—stuffed mushroom caps look like – well, let Spike explain it:

Spike: Nikki’s mushrooms look like turds. And like who wants to put a turd in their mouth?
Well, I saw this John Waters movie once, but other than that – really – no one.

Over at Team Girl-illa, the celery root chips for Stephanie’s crab salad are soggy. The team decides to “cross their fingers that they stay crispy.” Ah, crossing one’s fingers, just like they taught you in culinary school.

Life’s a zoo – The three hours are up, and all the food gets packed up for a trip to the zoo. Dale decides to put cheese on the mushroom turds, a move he likens to “putting perfume on a pig.”

Antonia is skeptical of Valerie’s blinis and deems them “not necessarily something I would eat or enjoy.” Yep, that’ exactly what I would put on my menu, too. They do, however, decide to bail on Stephanie’s soggy chips and just serve her crab salad alone instead.

Padma arrives with judges Tom, Wylie and Gail Simmons from Food & Wine magazine. Then, boom: 200 partygoers descend on the tables like a pack of hungry animals. (Come on, you knew that one was coming.)

Team Bear decide to pull the mushrooms because they aren’t staying warm enough. Never mind that they still look like turds.

Gail and Padma compliment the spiciness of Team Lion’s dishes. Eating side by side, Gail says something about it being “fiery” and my mind starts to wander again, this time to a very happy place. Mmm, Padma and Gail, mmm. The ladies then go to Team Penguin and practically lick their dishes clean. Team Girl-illa, though, is another story. Stephanie’s crab salad is a bust. Then Tom and Wylie try Valerie’s black olive blini with fennel mascarpone, rutabaga and beets.

Wylie: Sounds delicious, actually. [both take bites] Tom: Sounds.
Antonia’s lamb lettuce cup and Stephanie’s mom’s banana bread recipe are Team Girl-illa’s only saving graces.

Things are going well at Team Bear until the dreaded mushrooms are mentioned. Spike thinks they shouldn’t have served them; Nikki thinks she would have been in jeopardy if she didn’t. But Tom and Wylie just want to know who cut the cheese, or more precisely, why they cut the cheese onto them in the first place.

Over at Team Penguin, Andrew serves his squid ceviche with soy-balsamic tapioca. Man, someone has a thing for the balsamic vinegar. But this time, freed from the tyranny of counting, the judges love his dish.

Table talk – Everyone convenes in the holding area as they wait for the judges’ decision. Some feel pumped; some feel pummeled. Padma breaks the tension by calling in teams Vulture and Penguin. This means all three chefbians made it into the winners circle. It is a good day to be gay.

Team Vulture’s food was “fabulous” and “well-flavored.” The Penguins’ fare was “fun” and “refined.” Wylie announces that Andrew and his glacier and squid creations make him the winner. The F-bomber takes a moment to pray to the profanity gods in thanks.

The triumphant victor returns to bring bad tidings to the Girl-illas and da Bears. The mushrooms, blinis and crab salad are called out as the night’s worst dishes. This means it’s all over but the blaming.

Dale cops to not tasting the mushrooms after putting on the cheese. In fact, no one tasted them afterward. Seriously, I can hardly toast bread and even I know to taste it before I serve it. Attempting to not place blame while actually placing blame, Dale lets the judges know in no uncertain terms that the excrement caps were Nikki’s doing.

Team Girl-illa – who totally look like a Cingular commercial in this scene (more bars in more places) – await their fate. Even without the soggy chips, Stephanie’s crab salad was soggy due to premature dressing. And Valerie learns a valuable lesson about how long a blini can keep after being made (not long). Tom asks Antonia to make a Sophie’s Choice between her teammates.

Tom: You’re a chef at a restaurant and these two come, they’re applying for a job, and they give you these dishes. Which one are you hiring? Antonia: Stephanie.
Valerie feels blindsided by Antonia’s choice, considering Antonia never even tasted her blinis. She has a point.

As the judge’s deliberate, we get the night’s last feces joke as Gail says the mushrooms “look like something a bear would produce, not eat.” But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Valerie.

Valerie: I just wish I was going to stick around to prove myself a little more. It’s extremely disappointing. I know I’m a much better chef than that.
Oh, Valerie, look at it this way: Now you’ll have more time to spend with your big sis Rachel Dratch. Maybe she can create a new character in your honor to go along with Debbie Downer at Saturday Night Live. She could be Blini Bumbler. Next time on Top Chef: Field trip! Spike the saboteur and crying chefbians. Finally, some drama.

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