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“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.10 “Lifecycle”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Riding a bike: Not something you know how to do innately. Just like sex with a woman, argues Molly. Strap-on: A gift that keeps on giving. Control: What Bette loses.
THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Kate French is young and in love; Clementine Ford is also young and in love; Malaya Rivera Drew is young and evil.

The Pink Ride – Hey, it’s the Pink Ride! No, not the Pink Ladies or the Pink Pistols – this is the bike ride for breast cancer awareness and research. Yes, the event that was mentioned in the locker room in Episode 5.3 has finally come to pass. Gasp: an L Word thread that didn’t get dropped!

Our heroines are all there, listening to a speech and cheering for the “amazing ride” they’re about to embark on. Go, Team Dana! Wah. Dana.

A reunion – As Team Dana gets ready to ride, Tasha runs into some old friends of hers. She and Papi used to play basketball with them. What a relief; I think we were all starting to think Papi was a figment of our collective imagination.

Tasha’s friends are on the “Coco Girls” team.

Alice: Who’s Coco?

Tasha: It’s a gay club downtown. Alice: Really? Thought I knew all the lezzie clubs. Guess not. Tasha: It’s mostly black. It’s kind of a different scene. Alice: Oh.

And then Tasha laughs that infectious laugh of hers again. Alice isn’t quite sure what to say. The Coco Girls invite Tasha to “party” with them later. After they leave, Alice points out the obvious.

Alice: Was she flirtin’ with you? Lil’ bit? Tasha: Maybe a little. Alice: Thought so. Tasha: Jealous? Alice: No. Tasha: Hmm? Alice: Yeah.
Aw. They’re adorable when they tease each other.

Pink PDA – Tina wanders through the crowd and is stunned to see Niki and Jenny kissing. She makes a beeline for the happy couple and asks Niki what the f— she’s doing there, though that really should be obvious: She’s promoting Girltrash, of course. Yes, this episode was directed by Angela Robinson, who obviously knows how to maximize her marketing opportunities.

It seems Niki is supposed to be in L.A., shooting the new cover of Rolling Stone. But Adele happily rescheduled that. Isn’t Adele helpful?

Niki assures Tina that she and Jenny won’t be having sex on the side of the road or anything, and nobody will even recognize her. And of course, right then, someone asks Niki for her autograph. Tina throws up her hands in despair and walks away.

Trying to get the girl – Nearby, Molly strolls up to greet Shane, who is not happy to see her. Molly just wants to be heard.

Shane: Molly, I don’t want to listen to you. I really don’t. I’m the uneducated one, remember?
Ouch.
Shane: I don’t want to be your f—ing loser f— buddy.
But Molly’s not taking no for an answer. And anyway, it’s time to ride. Gosh, this seems awfully familiar. Have I traveled back in time to Season 4 of Queer as Folk? I mean, movie references are one thing, but flat-out cribbing from another queer melodrama? What’s the point? It only invites comparison, and I think Queer as Folk did it better.

   

(Coincidentally, it was also on QAF that I first heard the term gay-jà vu, which is definitely what I’m experiencing right now.)

So they ride. Shane looks kinda funny in her bike helmet, while Bette looks pretty great. I don’t think this is just my predilection talking; I think there’s something to be said for preparing the hair for the helmet. Bette rides up alongside Tina.

Bette: Hey. I need to tell you something. Tina: What? Bette: You look really great in those … pants. [laughing] Tina: [smiling] F— you. F— you!
But then it gets serious, as Tina says she doesn’t want Jodi to find out about her and Bette.

Bette: She’s going to find out eventually. Tina: No, I mean I don’t want her to know that we were fooling around behind her back.
Oh, boy. The anvils are crushing my brain! Bette mutters that it will be fine and that Jodi won’t know, but Tina doesn’t believe her, and neither do I.

Nearby, the Coco Girls encourage Tasha to ride with them – faster than Alice is riding. Is Tasha going to leave Alice behind in more than one way? Again: the foreshadowing, it burns!

A water break – Niki and Shane chat as they pause for refreshments and a rain delay. Niki asks Shane about her friendship with Jenny.

Niki: Did you guys ever hook up? Shane: Who, me and Jenny?
I agree, Shane: What a horrifying thought.
Shane: Just because you can, it doesn’t mean you should.
Yes. Why do I think she’s not going to remember that?

Right on cue, Jenny arrives at the way station.

Jenny: My p—y is so numb.
Bwahahahahaha! Ah, Mia.

Shane takes off because she sees Molly approaching. But Molly catches up with her and poses a challenge: If she can beat Shane to the next pit stop, Shane has to listen; if Shane wins, Molly will go home. Shane takes the bait.

Just as they’re approaching the pit stop, Molly hollers, “I love you!” This makes Shane stop, just long enough for Molly to pull ahead of her.

Shane: [hopping off her bike] You’re in love with me? Molly: I just said that so you would stop.
Sneaky. I approve.

But I don’t really approve of Molly’s speech – not because of what she says, which is funny, but because she’s yelling. Clem, they do have microphones – this is is not some Shakespeare in the Park thing, no matter how much Shane might seem like Viola.

Molly: You don’t just get on a bike and know how to ride it. Same with riding a girl.
She’s got a point.
Molly: I’m really into you, and I swear, next time, I will so go down on you!
Shane tries to shush Molly, because by now everyone’s staring. That’s just not the sort of thing you yell, even if you are doing Shakespeare in the Park.
Molly: I’m really crazy about you, and I need you to give me another chance, even if I’m awful in bed. I know that I’m still Gay 101, but I’m a really fast learner. And before you know it, I’m going to be in Advanced Placement Gay, and then Graduate Level Gay, and f— law school – I’ll get my doctorate in f—ing Gay!
Shane shuts her up with a kiss. Well, that was easy enough. I had no idea Shane could be won over with whimsical references to higher learning.

Remembering – In an abrupt change of pace, the group is suddenly in a sort of cabin that is serving as a makeshift memorial for all the riders’ loved ones who had breast cancer.

They look at the pictures on the wall and remember their friend.

Alice: We love you, Dana, and we miss you every day.
Yes. We really do.
Bette: You’re in our hearts, Dana.
The Great Escape” by Moby (featuring the awesome Azure Ray) pays better tribute to Dana than that ridiculous waterfall ever could.

The senior trip – It’s time for a montage of the ride, accompanied by Erin McKeown’s “To the Stars.” Do you get the idea? It’s fun; they’re free; Alice pees in the bushes; they have a water fight; they act silly; they make a movie of it all. This is so senior yearbook! Or maybe it’s so Felicity. At any rate, these are very special times, with special friends and special beer. Or maybe special feminine hygiene products – I’m not quite sure which commercial this most resembles. But, hey, they might as well have some sort of senior trip. It’s been a long, grueling course of study, these five seasons.

The campsite – Aw, look who’s holding hands: (That’s Max and Tom – thought I should clarify, in case you thought it was Amy Ray and Anderson Cooper.)

As they try to assemble their tents, Alice and Kit wish for a hotel and a rental car. Tasha, meanwhile, has been at the campsite for two hours already, hanging out with her Coco Girl friends.

The prize for the most amazing tent goes to Adele, or rather, Jenny and Niki, since it’s their tent. Adele explains to Tina that she had the production department arrange a product placement deal with North Face. Niki just has to have her picture taken with the tent. Tina calls it the Taj Mahal, but I think it looks more like the facade for a puppet show. Which might mean Niki and Jenny are Adele’s puppets. Gee. Just maybe.

Elsewhere, Bette and Jodi struggle with their tent. Rather, Bette struggles and refuses help from Jodi.

Bette: It says you put tab B into slot J. Jodi: But you’re doing it wrong.
Yeah, B has been going into J in all kinds of wrong ways lately.

Jodi walks away and lets Bette deal with the inevitable collapse on her own. I feel for you, Bette. I know from experience that control freaks simply should not go camping.

In another corner of the campsite, Shane is trying to assemble a little pup tent.

Molly: You expect me to have advanced placement lesbian sex in this s—ty runt tent?
They see Jenny’s elaborate tent and do the thing that must be done: They pull on one of the ropes, and the whole thing tumbles down on top of the giggly Jenny and Niki. Adele, you need to work on your knot-tying skills! Gosh. So much silliness, I don’t even know where to begin. But then it gets serious, as Jodi helps Tina assemble her tent.
Jodi: I’m used to putting things together, but Bette wouldn’t let me help her. Tina: Yeah, she’s kind of OCD.
Kind of?

Jodi asks Tina whether Bette was moody with her.

Jodi: Something’s going on with her, but I don’t know what it is.
Ugh. This is killing me. It seems to be killing Tina too, especially when Jodi offers a friendly hug. Nighttime – I guess night fell as suddenly as Bette’s tent. The sun has set and everyone has gathered around a campfire. I think this is the real reason they all wanted to go on the ride – the chance to hang out with each other and have a few laughs and a few beers. (Except for Kit, of course. She’s sticking with soda.)

The chatting and improv (Did I just hear Bette say, “Oh, my God, I can’t stop eating”?) sets a laid-back, lighthearted mood. But despite the cozy, we’re-all-friends atmosphere, it still seems weird when Alice takes a seat next to Adele and starts to chat with her.

Alice: [watching Adele punch the buttons on her BlackBerry] God, do you ever stop working? Adele: No, not really. Alice: [after a pause] So … what’s your deal? Are you gay, or what? Come on.
Hee. Way to cut to the chase, Alice!
Adele: It depends. Alice: Depends on what? Adele: It depends on who’s asking. Alice: I’m asking. Are you seeing anyone?
For a moment, I panic and think, “Oh, holy hell! Alice is hitting on Adele!” – and I’m not sure Adele doesn’t momentarily think that too. But then Alice says she and the others will set Adele up with someone on the ride, which means someone who is not Alice. Whew.
Adele: OK, all right. There’s somebody that I have my eye on. Alice: Who? Adele: It’s a secret.
Adele is saved by the Schecter bell. But I think that little blackout-induced kiss with Niki told us everything we need to know.

Nearby, Jodi and Tina stand next to each other, and Bette’s eyes go from one of them to the other, and then down to the ground in confusion.

Kit: [under her breath, to Bette] I sure hope you know what you’re doing. Bette: I have it completely under control. Don’t worry about it. Kit: Mmm hmm. Yeah. Keep telling yourself that, baby girl.
Yeah. It didn’t work on the tent, so it probably won’t work on people either.

A shower scene – Shane is waiting in line for the showers. Shared showers: reason 4,892 not to go camping.

Niki saunters up like an excited little puppy and teases Shane about Molly.

Shane: What can I say? I’m a sucker for a pretty face. Niki: And here I thought you were hard to get. Shane: I’m not hard to get. Niki: [teasing] Not hard to get; just hard to keep.
Shane chuckles, and her chuckle seems to say, “Oh, I know all about girls like you.” But I might be reading too much into it.
Shane: I’m glad you and Jenny worked it all out. Niki: Me too. I totally love her.
“I totally love her”? That seems so … well, immature. I mean, I can imagine someone saying, “I totally love my new MacBook Air.” Or, “I totally love mint chocolate chip.” Or even, “I totally love melodrama and meta stuff and movie references.” But it just doesn’t seem like the right phrasing when you’re talking about a person.

However, it’s totally efficient as a hint that Niki is young and flighty. But just in case we needed more evidence, they go inside and start to get undressed for the showers, and Niki’s eyes are all over Shane.

The tent of introspection – Alice finds Tasha in their tent. Tasha is lying on her back, looking pensive. (You thought that was going somewhere else, didn’t you?)

Tasha has been thinking about old friends and old lives and new lives.

Tasha: Then, it was all about the military. And now, I don’t know what the hell it’s about. Alice: You just need to give yourself time to adjust, you know? Figure things out. Tasha: [sitting up and getting serious] OK. What do you want to happen? Alice: With what? When? Tasha: Like, in the future. I mean, do you want kids? Do you want to stay in L.A.? I mean, what would be your ultimate career? Alice: God, um … Tasha: Just questions. Alice: Just little questions.
It’s weird to me that Leisha Hailey thinks Tasha and Alice don’t “make sense,” because I love the way they banter. And I so love the way Tasha chortles!
Alice: I guess I want kids. Eventually. But not now, I don’t think. And, you know, I’m really excited about this TV show, if I get the job. I really like it up there, you know? It’s exciting. Tasha: Yeah. Alice: Why, what do you want? Tasha: I want to be with you.
Uh-oh. I mean, that’s sweet and all, but if your partner’s only life goal is to be with you, that’s kind of a bad sign.
Tasha: Let’s move in together. Alice: [smiling] Really? Tasha: Yeah. Alice: OK. Yeah, let’s do it! Why not? You’re so serious … Tasha: This is serious stuff. Don’t you think? Alice: Mmm hmm. [tackling Tasha, giggling] I’m not leaving you alone in the tent anymore! We’re supposed to be making s’mores.
Cuteness! But, uh, whoa. “Let’s move in together”? Just like that? You just got kicked out of the military – shouldn’t you at least go to Disney World or something?

Hunger – Tasha and Alice join the others around the fire. Well, two of the others immediately leave: Shane and Molly decide they’re hungry for something other than s’mores. (Don’t blame me; they themselves made the pun!)

And soon Jenny and Niki decide to tend their other appetites too. Everybody else is much more interested in chocolate, and I honestly don’t know which treat I would choose if I were there.

Shane and Molly go to a truck – Molly bribed the SAG (support and gear) driver so they could have a better option than Shane’s “runt tent.” Hmm; these two do have some chemistry. As they proceed to get busy, Molly hesitates:

Molly: Any hot tips? Shane: Breathe through your mouth. Molly: Really? Shane: Really.
Hey, that’s a good tip! Actually, it sorta depends on your technique, but all in all, that’s a very useful tip. Anything that reminds you to breathe, period, is a good tip.

Speaking of technique – Jenny and Niki are in their palatial tent. Jenny has brought a present for Niki. I wish I could show you a picture, but as this is an all-ages site, I’ll just give you two words: strap and on.

Niki is uncertain at first (actually, it’s more than that; she’s completely clueless), but with a little encouragement from Jenny, she buckles up. And that’s hot! But they also do something unbelievably stupid: They film the whole thing. Um. So, so dumb.

BTW, what an odd music choice: “Just Like Heaven” by the Cure. Well, I guess it adds to the fun and glee of the whole thing, and it certainly is nice to see Jenny having some fun, happy, healthy sex. Except for that camera element, of course. That’s just foolish.

They take turns playing director, and at one point, Jenny offers this gem:

Jenny: Take off your pants. That’s the only way you’re going to get your actors to listen to you.
The silly soon gives way to the sexy as Niki learns how to use her new toy. And then it all gives way to the scary as we see who’s watching from outside. Ack! Adele, you’re supposed to save the cigarette for afterward.

And then after that, there are way too many lingering camera shots of the camera. Because the camera! It’s filming! The sex! On the tape! Sigh. Yet more exploration of the ever-blurring line between “meta” and “masturbatory.”

Before we move on, I have to note that it was fascinating to watch Niki and Jenny negotiate the challenges and quirks of sex with accoutrements. They acknowledged that it can be kind of strange (“I can’t feel what I’m doing,” said Niki), yet also demonstrated that it can be all kinds of wonderful. Occasionally this show really does seem to break ground – every time it’s honest about what lesbians do in bed.

Molly the grade whore – Shane gives Molly an A+ for the shag in the SAG truck. And that makes Molly think of another kind of report card.

Molly: Will you come visit me when I go back to school? Shane: Maybe. I don’t like the cold, though. Molly: I’ll keep you warm.
Yawn. And I keep on yawning when Molly tells Shane what kind of law she wants to study. Of course she wants to be a public defender and stand up for the little guy. That’s the only way to feel good about going to law school. I give her a semester and a half before she shifts her focus to buyouts, commercial real estate or Sarbanes-Oxley.

Campfire girls – Back at the campfire, Alice tells a variation of that tried-and-true ghost story about the dog and the hand-licking psycho killer. Alice tells it pretty well, and everyone enjoys it.

Bette: [teasing] You are not telling a homicidal-maniac-escapes-from-the-insane-asylum story. You’re not.
Max listens intently. He looks like he’s ready to wax on and wax off as Alice waxes spooky. As Alice finishes her tale, the music gets all creepy, and Jenny and Niki jump out of the bushes wearing hockey masks and wielding fake knives.

Everybody shrieks – even cool Shane and sensible Bette. I rewound that about seven times – it was fun! I love it when they seem like a group of friends I’d actually like to hang out with.

Everyone retaliates for the fright by teasing Jenny and Niki about the sex noises they were making.

Jenny: How old are we – 12?
Yes.

They consider playing Truth or Dare, but Bette doesn’t want to because you “always end up running around naked.” OK, now I really want to hang out with this group of friends!

So they decide to play “I Never” instead. They have to explain the rules to Bette. And Kit seems unfamiliar with it too, which doesn’t make any sense to me. Wouldn’t Kit seem more likely to know about all kinds of drinking games?

Shane starts things off with “I’ve never slept with a girl.” Tom doesn’t drink to that, but Adele does. They proceed with “I never lie about who I’m sleeping with” – Tina drinks, which surprises Alice until she remembers the Henry thing – and “I’ve never had sex in a public place.” Tom makes a big show of needing a “bucket” of hooch to drink for that one.

Jenny sweetens things up with “I’ve never been in love.” Bette doesn’t know whether to look at Tina or Jodi while thinking about that one. Shane doesn’t drink, which surprises Molly, as well as anyone who remembers how Shane felt about Carmen. (Or even how she felt about Cherie Jaffe, for that matter.)

Shane: Maybe I have [been in love], but I’m not really sure what that is.
We can’t tell that by the way you’re looking at Molly, Shane.

Tasha raises the stakes with “I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend.” Alice is surprised to see Tasha take a swig, so Tasha explains that she kissed someone else when she was with her first girlfriend. That leads naturally to a debate about what counts as cheating – kissing? Sex? Being emotionally unfaithful? Tasha takes a hard line and says even thinking is cheating, while Shane insists that you can have sex with someone else (just once) as long as you go home to your girlfriend.

Bette says kissing isn’t “cheating cheating,” while Alice insists it is. That’s quite a switch from Season 1, when we had this little exchange:

Bette: Why is it so important for you to believe that everyone is sleeping with everyone else? Alice: Because they are. Bette: No, that’s just your little fantasy. Here is a truly radical idea for you to contemplate: Monogamy isn’t just hypothetical. Some people actually do practice it.
My, how they’ve evolved.

Jodi says that it all depends on the relationship, on what you’ve agreed is OK. Jenny agrees with that.

Max: Like when you cheated on me with Claude? Jenny: We were broken up. Max: What?!
Aw. What happened to Claude, anyway?

It’s all good-natured fun until Alice (who has had a snootful and is therefore more truthful) gets revved up and tells them to raise their hands if they think kissing is cheating. Bette declines to play along.

Bette: I think it’s a trap to judge. I mean, I think there are different situations, and you can’t really categorically … Alice: Oh, my God, that is such a non-answer. That’s Bette … because she was a big ol’ cheater. Bette: Alice. Shane: Oh, give her a break. Come on. Alice: I’m not judging.
Tina and Bette both try to move on to the next “I Never,” but Alice is like a tipsy dog with a let’s-bring-down-Bette bone.
Alice: Bette, come on. I mean, you cheat. You were a giant cheater. It was a phase; I’m not saying you are now. But, like, you cheated on Tina, you cheated on me, I mean … you cheated. There was a lot of cheating.
The look on Bette’s face is amazing. It’s wounded; it’s a warning; it’s defiant; it’s sorry. Alice tries to get everyone to laugh it up with her and mock Bette the “ginormous cheater,” but it just gets tenser and tenser. And then Jodi takes it to its natural conclusion.
Jodi: [joking] Were you? Are you cheating on me?
Bette laughs weakly. But Tina, stricken, suddenly stands up and scurries away. Jodi still has a smile on her face as she turns back to Bette, but Bette gives Jodi a look more haunting than any ghost story. Oh. Oh, no.

Jodi says, “Oh, f—,” and leaves. Bette goes after her, but Jodi has locked the tent door.

Alice: [to everyone still at the campfire] What the f— just happened? I was kidding.
Outside Jodi’s tent, Tom gets a text from Jodi and tells Bette that Jodi wants her to go away.

This is too painful. I have never really thought that Jodi and Bette were right for each other, but this just hurts.

Alice and Shane find Tina in her tent.

Alice: What the f—? Shane: What’s going on? Tina: I don’t wanna talk about it. Alice: Are you having an affair with Bette? Shane: Since when? Tina: Maybe a month. Alice and Shane: A month?! Alice: Why didn’t you tell me? Tina: Because you have a big mouth.
Alice can’t really argue with that, especially given what just happened.

Alice: Are you guys getting back together? Tina: I don’t know; I don’t know. I don’t know what the f— we’re doing. Shane: This is f—ing crazy. Alice: Crazy. Shane: I never saw this coming. Ever.
Aaaaaand they all take a drink. Ha ha! Kit’s tent – Kit gives her baby sis a lecture. It’s kind of too late, isn’t it? Kit reminds Bette that she was miserable with Tina and had a chance at happiness with Jodi.
Bette: [bitterly] Jodi and I never had a shot. We didn’t. It wasn’t working.
This must be hard for Kit, considering her experience with m———ing nannyf—ers. But she sees that Bette is telling the truth about how she feels.
Bette: I love Tina. I’ve always loved Tina.

Bette: I know that I’m going about it all wrong, but I’m doing it for the right reasons. I was trying to do the right thing. Kit: Yeah, well, you know, it sounds like you’re doing what’s right for Bette. It’s what’s right. For. Bette.
You’re not wrong, Kit. And yet, if you’re a sap like me, it’s hard to resist that statement of Bette’s, that she has always loved Tina.

Tina’s tent – Another proclamation of undying love is about to unfurl.

Shane: Jodi is going to be devastated. She moved her whole life out here to be with Bette. I’m not trying to guilt-trip you, T, I swear. Tina: I didn’t want it to happen this way, OK? I didn’t even want to come on this trip. I didn’t want it to happen – Alice: Are you in love with Bette? Again? Tina: I’ve always been in love with her. And I feel like an a–hole that I’m doing this to Jodi, but I just want her back. And I’m scared, ’cause I know we’re just going to, like, probably f— it up, but I have to do it, you know? I can’t help it. It’s something that I can’t help. I want to be with her.
Laurel Holloman. That was virtuosic.
Alice: You guys, you know … you belong together. Shane: Yep. You do. Alice: You always have. Shane: It’s true. Tina: I f—ing hate women. Shane: Yeah. Well.
And all they can do is shake their heads and sip their beer.

The writer’s eye – As the campfire dies, Niki and Jenny reflect on the “drama-rama.”

Jenny: It’s so difficult. Bette and Tina should have stayed together. They should have had the courage to work it out, instead of just running away from each other like that. Fffahhkk. Instead of wreaking all this f—ing havoc.
Mama Chaiken, is that you?

Niki points out that she and Jenny came back to each other.

Jenny: Well, I’m in no position to judge. Love makes people so insane. Do you know that my friends think I’m out of my mind for falling in love with you?
No, Jenny. They have so many better reasons to think you’re out of your mind.
Jenny: Do you think this is going to be one of those … movie things? Or do you think we’re actually going to make it?
<Horshack> Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! </Horshack>
Niki: We’re gonna make it. And I’m going to love you forever. I promise.
She, like, totally loves you, Jenny! Sigh. I really wish I could believe her, because I truly would like to see this serene, sated version of Jenny for a while. It’s so new and fascinating.

But we can’t enjoy it for long. Cut to Adele in the Puppet Palace, taking the tape out of the camera and replacing it with a blank one. Curses!

The morning after – Bette sits near the water and sobs, wishing she had never.

Bette: I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
The music in this scene, Rachael Yamagata‘s “The Other Side,” is pretty perfect. The lyrics say, “I’m on the other side of where our lives used to be.”

Bette walks back to camp, but Jodi’s not there. Max explains that she wanted to ride home alone.

A somber trek – Tina and Bette and their friends look broken as they bike their way home. Next time on The L Word: Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi buy the Planet; Jodi confronts Bette; Adele hosts a screening of the sex tape. In other words, whatever happens, it won’t be much fun, because they totally gave everything away in the teaser.

Amazing Queer as Folk research assistance provided by Phantom.

Can’t get enough of The L Word? Check back Wednesday, when the We’re Getting Nowhere vloggers offer their take on this episode, and keep up on the latest L Word forum topics, news, articles and interviews in our main L Word section.

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