Six characters in search of a heart


Somebody notify the Tin Man: the Wizard finally has a real heart available for his use. As I’m sure at least some of you have heard by now, researchers at the University of Minnesota have managed to grow a living, beating heart in the laboratory. Granted, it was a rat’s heart that they grew in that little jar, but you can imagine the implications and the possibilities.

Being the slightly off-center kind of person that I am, my mind immediately wandered to the land of make-believe. I began wondering what might happen if some of the fictional creations I see parading around on the not-so-small screen in my living room were granted new hearts. I mean, if we can grow the things in jars now, why not see what happens when we actually transplant them, right? So, for your amusement as well as mine, here is my list of fictional folk who could do with a newly grown heart.

Before I begin, let me share my little rules for this endeavor. First, I’m not giving new hearts to the characters I relish because they have no heart, like Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada. Second, I am also not giving new hearts to the folks whose twisted, flawed little hearts are what make them so interesting, like Grace Hanadarko in Saving Grace. Instead, I’m giving hearts to the heartless wenches I don’t love to hate, the poor souls whose broken hearts need mending and the characters who might find life a bit more tricky if they knew what having a human heart actually felt like.

Let me begin with a real woman who’s had enough plastic surgery to qualify as fictional in my world.

Omarosa has been giving acting lessons to Terrell Owens on how to throw effective crying fits for the cameras. I’ve never been a fan of The Apprentice or the Donald, but I actually cheered when she got fired the first time around. How she qualifies as a celebrity I’ll never know, but I guess they needed someone to stir the pot anew.

Earlier today the linster was kind enough to point out to me the delicious idea that Jenny Schecter may in fact have a rat’s heart rather than a human one.

Perhaps it was her heart they were growing in that jar up here in the frozen tundra. Personally, I’ve tired of her selfish, pompous, the-only-opinion-that-matters-is-my-own attitude. And that happened two seasons ago. Someone please give Jenny a heart so that I can stop groaning every time she appears on screen.

While we’re on the subject of The L Word, someone please go find Carmen.

If anyone deserves help mending a broken heart, it’s poor Carmen. Yes, the rest of the world understood that Shane would never be able to ride off into the sunset of domestic bliss, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less for Carmen.

I would also like to offer up transplant services to a few robots who could benefit from the addition of a homegrown human heart, beginning with a certain newly arrived Terminator.

Cameron appears to be as close to human as those pesky cybernetic organisms can get. (Plus, I have a little theory about exactly who sent her back in time and why, which I won’t share in case I’m actually right for a change.) She could do with a good dose of humanity via the addition of one human heart.

And last, but certainly not least, how about we add a human heart to a cylon or two? Let’s start with my favorite numbers, 3 and 6.

I wonder if giving a cylon a heart would be anything like giving a vampire a soul?

So, which charcters out there need do you think need a shiny new heart? And no giving a heart to someone like Callisto. She was boring as an angel, and completely uninteresting. She was much more fun in leather.

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