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“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.1 “LGB Tease”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Meta: The only way to describe the transmogrification of Bette, Tina, Shane and Jenny into Bev, Nina, Shaun and Jesse as Lez Girls begins production. Well, either meta or messy. Probably both. Preschool: A place where Bette and Tina can pretend; also, Phyllis’ word for sex with Alice. (Ouch.) Creativity: What Tina lacks, according to Jenny. Vegetables: Good for everyone, even Shane and Bette. But does “good” kill the passion?
THIS WEEK’S GUEST-BIANS: Kristanna Loken sees Shane clearly and then sees red; Lucia Rijker cracks her knuckles; Wallace Shawn adores Jenny; Jane Lynch creates a monster.

Previously on The L Word – When we last saw our heroines, they were talking laughing loving breathing fighting f—ing crying – hey, I’ve just realized that the theme song is really a recap in itself. Every season and every episode is right there in the lyrics, in both content and quality. I am superfluous, washed-up! I’m like the recapper version of Norma Desmond. But that’s OK; I get to wear false eyelashes and say, “I am big! It’s The L Word that got small.”

But seriously, previously – In Season 4, Bette drove that big tractor of love for Jodi. Tina broke up with Henry and missed Bette. Tasha prepared to go off to war. Kit kicked Angus out. Max contemplated top surgery. Shane and Paige contemplated becoming a happy suburban family. Helena gambled and lost. Jenny annoyed everyone with her barely fictionalized book-turned-movie. Papi just annoyed everyone. And best of all, there were some great Angela Robinson—flavored scenes and some funny and fascinating stuff. What wonders are in store for us in Season 5?

Words on the screen – Jenny is writing the screenplay for Lez Girls. At least the words on the screen aren’t scrawly ramblings about manatees this time. But we can still tell it’s Jenny because she’s using words like unctuous and penning an ode to her own ass.

We get to see the scene she’s writing. It’s the sperm donor party from the pilot episode, only in Jenny’s cinematic vision, it’s quite a bit different. Everyone else is as focused on Jenny/Jesse as she herself is. Bette, Tina and Shane – make that Bev, Nina and Shaun – stare at her and talk about her and hit on her.

Tina/Nina: Hi. Jesse, can I get you a drink? Margarita? [waggling her eyebrows] Strawberry dykequiri?
Snort. Nice one, Nina. Jesse makes her excuses, and as she scampers off, the words on the screen say that Bev, Nina and Shaun “ogle Jesse’s cute little ass” – but those words are quickly deleted and replaced with “ogle Jesse’s lithe, elegant body.” Is it just me, or does Jenny type really slowly? I keep wanting to grab the keyboard like an overeager IT guy. (I’m also having an uber-meta moment of typing about someone who’s typing about a fictionalized version of characters on a TV show. Ouch, my brain.)

This Lez Girls scene looks a lot like the pilot episode, but otherwise Bette, Tina and Shane are not quite themselves:

Tina/Nina: Do you think she could be … ? Bette/Bev: No, no, no. Too pretty, too feminine. Shane/Shaun: I don’t know, I’d be happy to … Bette/Bev: Taste the fruit? Shane/Shaun: Peel it, section it and squeeze the juice with her. Tina/Nina: Get in line, sister. [to Bev] Oh, I’m sorry, baby. Bette/Bev: [sultry] As long as you share her with me.
Big props to Beals, Holloman and Moennig for starting us off with such hilarity! Tina/Nina’s expressions are especially priceless. Mama Chaiken, can we have a full-fledged Lez Girls so these funny ladies can camp it up?

Jenny closes her laptop and smiles to herself. I do the same; I already need a break from Schecter-land. A prestigious preschool – Bette and Tina (the real ones, er, the non—Lez Girls ones) are trying to convince a preschool teacher/administrator/whatever that Angelica should be admitted. They both love the preschool art curriculum.

Bette: I mean, essentially, our house is a gallery.
Yes, she said “our.” Their ruse of togetherness is the least of their problems; the woman they’re schmoozing is less than impressed by all the art talk. Bette and Tina can see they’re not really winning her over. Their nervousness (and their fake togetherness) is cute.

Another preschool person brings Angelica into the room. Whether or not Angie is right for the school, she’s definitely adorable. Bette calls her “sweet pea,” but then gasps a little when Angelica makes the sign for “play.” The heretofore unimpressed woman finds the sign language impressive and asks whether Angelica has a deaf relative. Bette hurriedly says they have a “friend” who’s deaf. Tina almost manages to hide her discomfort as they both change the subject to Angelica’s aptitude for languages.

Bette: She knows “Frère Jacques” by heart.
Again, how great are these two together, especially when they laugh at themselves? It makes me long for happier times.

Afterward, Tina and Bette wonder whether it was OK to pretend to be together. Tina calls it a “little white lie told for the greater good,” but I think her chin dimples (chimples?) are secretly hoping it’s a big red portent foretelling a Bette-r life. Bette suddenly exclaims, “Oh, s—,” because she has spotted an approaching gay male couple whose kid is also hoping to get into the preschool. They all play a game of “My kid reflects more diversity than yours does.” Tina and Bette go from nervous and cute to dejected and annoyed.

The big house – Did I say something about camp earlier? This is hilarious and perfect: Helena is in the slammer. Who’s funnier than Rachel Shelley? There’s even a strip search, and she bends over with a resigned sigh. Then, shackled, she walks through the jail to the sounds of catcalls and a remix of “Listen Up!” by The Gossip. It’s all done in the style of a girls-in-prison lesploitation film, right down to the big matron with the big bad hair and latex gloves. And I love it. More!

Sex, lipstick and digital tape – Alice, Max, Phyllis and Shane are at the Planet. Alice is talking about a different Peabody: the elder, who is abroad, according to her secretary.

Alice: I said, “I know Mrs. Peabody’s a broad, and not a very classy one.”
Oh, Alice. I’ve missed you.

Alice, Max and Phyllis are prepping for a podcast. A podcast? But there’s a camera. If you film it, don’t you usually call it a vidcast or a vlog? Oh, well; Alice is calling it a podcast, and I’m sure Max can help you do a computer search so you can save a copy to your five-and-a-quarter-inch floppy.

Phyllis does her makeup while trying to avoid looking like a “lipstick lesbian.” Alice jokingly calls her a “stone butch,” which prompts Phyllis to scribble in her handy little notebook of lesbian lingo. Shane assures her that whatever label Phyllis prefers, she’s pretty foxy. And then Shane dashes off to look at an apartment with Paige.

And the minute she’s gone, the foreshadowing begins:

Kit: Please, somebody, tell me she ain’t gonna go through this. Alice: It’s the biggest disaster. Phyllis: What’s a disaster? Alice: Shane’s moving in with Paige and her son. They’re signing the lease today. Phyllis: That’s wonderful. Kit: When I see her and Paige together, I don’t see Shane on fire.
Alice agrees with Kit. Phyllis starts to protest, but Alice tells her to save it for the podcast, which is called Alice in Lesbo Land. Lesbo Land … hmm, is Bette the Queen of Hearts? After all, she used to be the queen of monogamy. Shane must be the Cheshire Cat. I think we all know who the Mad Hatter is.

Behind bars – Helena meets her cellmate, the very buff Lucia Rijker. I guess we’re not supposed to remember that she played Dana’s trainer in Season 2? Not that I mind seeing her again.

Helena sits on her cellmate’s bunk, then scrambles to the top one when her mistake is pointed out. This is like Bad Girls, only the accents are different and it’s Helena instead of Helen. And it’s not soapy or predictable and there’s no Muppet wing for the psychos and nobody’s writing everything down in the hopes of publishing a book someday. Wait, which show was I talking about again?

The podcast – Phyllis is praising sex – specifically, sex with Joyce, her “lady love.”

Phyllis: The sex … is the best ever. Alice: [slightly hurt] Well, ever … I mean, they say your coming-out affair is usually the most unforgettable. Phyllis: Oh, that was kindergarten. Preschool! Compared to what Joyce and I are doing?
Alice is visibly wounded. Aww. She clears her throat hilariously and tries to move on. Phyllis assures her she was sweet, if a little vanilla. Alice is stunned anew, so Phyllis gets out her notebook again, thinking she needs to clarify.
Phyllis: Vanilla sex, uh, conventional sex, um … what the culture regards as standard or regular sex. Alice: I know vanilla. I know what that means.
Alice is adorable when she’s affronted, so the scene is fun – even though it does seem highly unlikely that sex with Alice is standard or regular in any way.

Alice asks Phyllis whether she and Joyce have “U-Hauled” and proceeds to explain the term. Is that really an inside joke? I thought everyone knew that one by now, especially after Rosie explained it on The View.

Speaking of U-Hauling – Shane and Paige are checking out that apartment in the land of happy families. Shane pretends to be enthusiastic about the “cute” complex with its pool. Hmm, her shirt is almost the same color as Paige’s; does that mean something? Where’s the lesbo Cheshire Cat when you need some philosophical guidance? They decide to talk about it and let the leasing agent know by the end of the day. The leasing agent then passes along some hellos to Shane from mutual acquaintances. And we all know that most of Shane’s acquaintances know her biblically. Paige looks uncomfortable as the leasing agent mentions a Lisa, a Lacey, a Brandi and a Megan.

Paige: You’ve got a long history.
That’s one way to put it. Wait, Lacey – wasn’t that Tammy Lynn Etheridge? She made a good stalker.

Shane mumbles that her history isn’t really too long, but the leasing agent continues to celebrate her exploits. Paige snorts at the whole thing, then leaves to pick up her son. Shane saunters off with the leasing agent, looking over her shoulder as they walk. I don’t have any idea what’s going to happen next, do you?

More definitions – Still podcasting, Phyllis notes that she doesn’t know what the “T” in LGBT stands for. She jokes that maybe it means “tentative.” Right on cue, Max interrupts to say the videotape needs changing.

Alice: “T” is for trannies.
That’s good enough for me!
Phyllis: Trannies? Alice: Yeah, like Max. Max: Transgendered. You know, people who have changed their sexes from male to female or from female to male.
There’s a lot to quibble with there, but plenty of other people have already done a good job of explaining why Max isn’t exactly the best representative of the transgender community. I’m more interested in the way Daniela Sea is delivering these lines – reasonably well. Did somebody take some acting lessons during the hiatus, or was Itty Bitty Titty Committee just a profound experience? I’ll bet Carly Pope deserves the credit.

Max explains that he decided not to get top surgery after all. Phyllis clutches her décolletage as he talks.

Max: It’s a really personal decision. And the fact is that you can lose sensation in your nipples, so I decided I don’t want to risk that. I mean, for some guys, they don’t feel themselves, like, fully male unless they can have a male-contoured chest and be able to take their shirts off and stuff. But for me, I guess, in the end, I decided that I felt enough of a guy as is, and I … without the surgery. So.
Phyllis is fascinated, but Alice says they’re getting “a little off-topic” for OurChart.
Max: Why is it off-topic? Alice: Well, I mean, OurChart’s for lesbians. Max: I thought OurChart was for everybody. It’s “our chart.” I mean, doesn’t that suggest it’s inclusive? Alice: Well, sure, Max. I mean, it’s a little technical, but yeah, it’s for everybody.
No wonder this point has been the topic of much discussion on the actual OurChart. (Ouch, my meta muscle hurts again!) But never mind that – why is Alice being nasty to Max? She used to be supportive; she was the one who encouraged him to quit his job and be who he is, and now she’s being dismissive and looking at him like he’s a freak. Sigh.

Alice is saved by the bell – Tasha calls. Tasha says she can’t talk right now and just wanted to hear Alice’s voice.

Alice: I love you. Tasha: Yeah, me too. Alice: Say it! Tasha: I love you too, baby. OK, I’ll call if I can.
Alice says goodbye, then immediately starts to cry. I feel the same way; come back, Tasha!

Guess someone rescued her – Bette and Tina are wondering why they haven’t heard anything from the preschool. Kit interrupts to show them a postcard from Jenny.

Tina: Where? China, I hope. Bette: [grabbing the postcard] Playa del Carmen. That’s not nearly far enough away.
Hee. Oh, wait, Playa del Carmen? Let’s take a moment to remember the hotness of Sarah Shahi.

Speaking of disappearing characters and unexplained phenomena, where’s Papi? And how did Jenny get off that dinghy? We’ll have to wait to solve those mysteries, because the conversation has shifted to Lez Girls, the movie. Kate (the one Tina was dating last season) was fired from the movie because William Halsey, a “hedge-fund billionaire,” hated her screenplay. So Tina has to go to a meeting to figure out what’s next. Bette’s not exactly sad to hear that Kate was fired or that the movie business sucks; she’s feeling vindicated about everything. Smug isn’t sexy. Or is it? Despite the occasional sideways remark, there’s a compelling familiarity and ease in Bette and Tina’s banter. They sometimes seem to just pick up where they last left off in their very long, very complicated conversation.

Bette asks Kit whether she’s available to look after Angie. Auntie Kit is happy to help, and points out that it’s her fault Bette doesn’t have a “manny” now. Seeya, Angus! It hadn’t even occurred to me to wonder where you went.

Phyllis drops by and points out that Alice is looking kind of sad.

Bette: Oh, f—. You know, Alice really does not need to go through this again.
And that makes two references to a recently departed character – this time, a dearly departed one.

History in the making – Paige and Jared are checking out the apartment. They’re ready to sign on the dotted line. But first they decide to check out Jared’s room. If you saw Dorothy Snarker’s pre-cap, you know that the carpet in that room is kind of filthy at the moment. Shane and the leasing agent are going at it.

Shane: Hi.
Hi? Ha ha. What a ridiculous reaction. Paige just shakes her head, grabs her kid and gets the hell outta there.

Shaolin Studios – Tina is late for the meeting. And she probably wishes she had skipped it entirely, because Jenny is there, and she’s schmoozing William the billionaire (Wallace Shawn).

Jenny: You have to tell Aaron about how you came up with the manatee while we were swimming with your set of dolphins at Xel Ha.
Argh. No. More. Manatees! But I crack up at Jenny’s expression when she says, “Hi, Tina,” through her teeth. That wasn’t a hello. That was an epithet. Of course, Tina’s reply is no less snarly.

Tina’s boss says he loves the scene where Nina hits on Jesse – and the real-life Nina is surprised to hear about that new scene. It turns out Jenny has done a rewrite, exactly the way the boys in charge wanted her to.

Jenny: [coyly shrugging] What was I going to do? I was fired from my own movie.
Gee, I don’t know. Get a different job?

Vizzini (yes, I know the character is named William Something, but Wallace Shawn will always be Vizzini to me) raves about Jenny’s special insight. Tina, how are you able to maintain your composure? You must feel like screaming.

A furry distraction arrives: Sounder. No, not the dead one; the yippy one Jenny adopted at the end of last season. Sounder has just been to the groomer’s, but Jenny doesn’t like the color of the ribbons on his ears. So she orders her assistant to fix it.

Jenny: No, no, no. I don’t pay you to think. Do I, Sounder? Do I pay her to think? [to the assistant] He hates you. So take him back to the groomer’s now and get orange ribbons so he can like you again.
Hmm. Channeling Miranda Priestly could be funny, but don’t you have to have a little more stature to make that work? And I don’t mean height.

During that exchange, Tina finally rolled her eyes. Good – I was worried she was going to spring a leak, like a geyser of outrage. Late bloomer – Joyce and Phyllis are in bed.

Joyce: Wow. Phyllis: Really? Joyce: Oh, baby, believe me when I say “Wow.”
Cute. Jane Lynch, you’re the best. They talk about the “coming-out party” they’re throwing for Phyllis. She’ll get to meet Joyce’s exes and generally revel in her new life. Cybill Shepherd, always the debutante!

Joyce asks Phyllis whether she’s considered her proposition:

Phyllis: Oh, that the two of us should U-Haul together?
I’m so out of touch. Not only did I not know it was still considered a funny or inside term; I also really had no idea it could be a verb.

A hard day – Shane is drinking a beer on her back porch. Bette stops by to comfort her. This reminds me of that time Bette went to get a pregnant Tina a Slurpee and ended up consoling a brokenhearted Tim on that same porch. From Slurpees to beer; we’ve come a long way (to 7-11 and back again).

Shane says Paige wouldn’t even answer the door when she tried to talk to her. She tries to be OK with it but doesn’t want Shay to find out. Oh, right, Shay; I wonder if we’ll ever see him again? Shane and Bette have a nice moment of friendship. But then suddenly they hear something in the house behind them: Jenny is home. Shane greets her warmly in that great Shane way, but Bette is reserved, to say the least.

Shane: Oh, come on, you f—ers, be friends, please. We’re neighbors; we’ve known each other for a while. Jenny: [loudly and hyper-cheerily] I never thought that Bette and I weren’t friends. Bette: [after a pause] We’ll see.
Now that’s a Miranda Priestly sort of comment.

The next morning – Jenny is barking at her assistant again, this time on the phone. You know, I think I actually prefer carnival-flashback Jenny to Hollywood-diva Jenny. Batty is more entertaining than bitchy!

Tina arrives, breakfast in hand and smile on face. Jenny doesn’t welcome any of it. She’s especially troubled by the croissants, which are, “like, sugar, and, like clogged arteries.” See? Batty = good.

Tina tries to be positive and congratulate Jenny on the rewrite. But she also offers “a few notes.” That goes over about as well as the croissants. Jenny reminds Tina that she treated her very badly and made her feel like a pariah. (Thus the dinghy.) Tina tries to apologize and reminds her that they have to work together.

Tina: I sincerely want to help you try make the best movie that you can make. Jenny: That was good. No, it was good. I can see that you … it took a lot to dredge up an apology and I can see all the time that it took. But I still don’t see why I should take notes from – sticky notes, too! – from you. Tina: Because I’m your executive. Jenny: Exactly. You’re an executive. And I’m a writer, and you don’t understand anything about writing, or anything creative, for that matter.
She has a point, Tina. You should seek out opportunities to explore your own creativity – like, say, concoct a fake identity in order to adopt, and then euthanize, a dog. That’ll grease up your rusty old muse!

As you might expect, Tina gives up and leaves.

Hard time and hard bodies – Helena just can’t eat the crappy prison food. Her cellmate is still surly and terse. And kinda sexy. Gosh, Helena’s scenes are almost as short as Kit’s.

The pool at Mama B’s house – Tina and Angie are in the pool. Bette holds out a towel (and her arms) to take Angie inside for a nap. While they’re gone, Tina makes herself comfortable by taking off her bikini top. She’s on her stomach on a pool float, so you could say she’s tanning, but it seems more like she’s teasing. That could be the music’s fault; we’re hearing a sultry sax à la Red Shoe Diaries. Bette does a double take when she sees half-naked Tina. Did I mention that Bette is in a tank top? Oh, yes. Bette collects herself and pretends to relax in a chaise, but she’s stealing lots of glances at Tina. She idly (in the sense of pointedly) inquires about Kate and what happened to Tina’s budding love affair.

Bette: So, you and she never hooked up? Tina: I don’t think I wanna answer that. Bette: You didn’t, did you? Tina: [silence] Bette: So, what’re you doing for sex? Tina: What?!
How very dare you!
Bette: Well, I mean, if the thing with Kate didn’t work out, I know it’s been a long time … so are you seeing anyone? Tina: You want to know if I’m getting laid. Bette: [shrugging] Is that off-limits, too? Tina: [uncomfortable, getting out of the pool] Yeah, it is. [stopping, wrapping a towel around herself] You know, it’s not like I didn’t go for months at a time without having sex when we were together.
After Tina leaves, Bette can only say, “Ouch.” Nicely done, Tina. That was fun.

Visiting hours – Alice, Tina and Shane visit Helena in jail. They walk through the hallway that Helena initially walked through – a hallway of holding cells or whatever, but the point is, in what universe would visitors be blithely sauntering past prisoners behind bars?! As they walk, Shane takes the opportunity to flirt with a few inmates. And she and Alice try to convince Tina to look at other women in the world, not just Bette.

Shane: Just please do not go back to men, whatever you do.
Remember when Alice went back to men? Yeah, I guess that didn’t really take. Speaking of Alice’s past …
Alice: Forget about Bette. Really, it is easy. I did it.
Advising Tina is one thing, but advising Helena is more difficult. They still haven’t been able to contact Mrs. Peabody and can’t scrape together enough cash for Helena’s bail.
Tina: You stole an awful lot of money. Helena: [shouting] I didn’t steal it. I was entitled to it! Alice: OK. Totally. Nobody’s disputing that. Shane: Well, except maybe the D.A.
They encourage her to reveal where she hid the money, but Helena’s not squealing. She does squeal about the conditions in prison, though, as well as her “homicidal psychopath” cellmate. So they promise to visit her every day.
Shane: But you have to promise us that you’re gonna keep it safe here. Helena: OK. How. How do I do that? Shane: You lay low. Tina: No, she doesn’t. She needs to stand up for herself. She needs to let everybody in here know she’s not afraid. Shane: Oh, really? I’m so sure. No, she should stick to herself and stay out of all the drama. Alice: You guys, she gets a family, and she gets herself a daddy.
They bicker some more – “She’s an alpha female!” “She’s British!” – and eventually agree on one thing:
Alice: Just don’t drop the soap. You know what I’m saying? Helena: [shakes her head] Alice and Tina: Don’t drop the soap! Shane: I wouldn’t, no.
Funny, great group scene. Only one thing was missing: Dana! And one thing’s for sure: Helena is doomed.

A party with something for everyone – At the Planet, Phyllis toasts her new acquaintances. Meanwhile, Alice sits at home and worries about Tasha, even though Shane assures her everything’s fine.

Alice: They shipped out at 0900 o’clock this morning, and she said she would call me before they shipped out.
Oh-nine-hundred o’clock. So cute. Shane eventually convinces her to go to the party, where, according to Bette, “the lesbians of academia are all celebrating the advent of [Phyllis] landing among them.”

Alice and Shane try to find Tina a date at the party. They check out a brunette who sort of has a Maura Tierney thing going on, but Tina’s eyes are elsewhere.

Alice: Not Bette. Not Bette!
It doesn’t matter anyway, because when Shane talks to the woman in order to point Tina out to her, the woman wants to talk to Shane instead. So typical.

Nearby, Jenny is asking her assistant to take care of some mundane office stuff. You know, filing, sorting:

Jenny: What I want you to do is create a rainbow in my office. Marissa the assistant: A rainbow. Jenny: Essentially, I need a rainbow-colored hue of files because I want each one of my characters to be part of the rainbow, and it needs to be organized categorically …
A hue of files, organized categorically? I love it. The gradation of crazy is beautiful to behold. Before she finds herself tasked with stitching a tapestry of plot lines, the assistant quits. Jenny stands alone in the middle of the noisy crowd and mutters to herself, “Well, you’ve … you have missed the opportunity of a lifetime.” That looked like Season 1 Jenny, perpetually off base and in her own wacky world.

Over in the debutante circle, Joyce excuses herself to do some business. No one can schmooze like Joyce. What makes Jane Lynch so awesome? I don’t know, but I know I’d like to see the Christopher Guest version of Lez Girls. And over by Alice, Shane and Tina, there’s a surprise.

Paige: [to Shane] I just want to know one thing. Why did you ask me and Jared to move in with you?
Shane tries to get her to go outside for a discussion, but Paige is on the edge and must be heard. Shane mumbles that she thought it would be “good for them” to cohabitate; Paige wonders whether that’s like eating your vegetables. Paige says she knows that Shane can’t help who she is and actually offers to tolerate the extracurricular activities.
Shane: You shouldn’t have to live with it. Paige: It’s just sex. Shane: Paige, it’s … I know it’s sex, but … you deserve someone who wants to be with you and who only loves you and you alone. Paige: And you don’t love me? Shane: No, I do love you. Paige: But you’re not in love with me.
“I love you but I’m not in love with you?” How deep, not to mention original!

Shane just gives her a look that confirms it’s not going to work. Paige can only shake her head again and leave. Bye, Kristanna. It was fun while it lasted.

Wow, is this a jam-packed party or what? Now Jodi has arrived. Bette greets her very, very warmly. Kissily. Everyone else greets her warmly but not kissily – except for Tina, who goes with icily.

Phyllis welcomes Jodi too, then tells everyone that she’s not ready to settle down with Joyce.

Alice: Play the field. Shane: Go crazy.
Why not? Everyone else is! But I don’t know why you wouldn’t want Joyce, actually. She has just joined the group. She calls Alice a “pillow princess” and is generally hilarious.

Whew, the plot-point party is finally over – Bette and Jodi go back to Jodi’s loft, where a lovingly set table is waiting so they can have a romantic meal. Bette is all cute and kittenish, proud of the special surprise she has prepared. But Jodi isn’t thrilled. You see, she’s never owned a tablecloth.

Jodi: It’s very sweet of you. Thank you. But, um … it’s my space.
Bette’s face falls. I hate it when that happens. But it’s amazing, the way Beals’ expression can go from open door to 40-foot-high razor-wire fence in mere seconds. (I’m trying to ignore the soccer mom hair.)

Jodi says Bette just took control again.

Bette: Well, I didn’t feel like I was, you know, being a control freak. It felt like I was trying to do something nice for you.
They stare at each other for a bit, obviously at an impasse. Then Jodi gets an idea.
Jodi: I’m going to take control of you.
She blindfolds Bette, who immediately protests. Hmm. Didn’t the carpenter try to take control once? That didn’t exactly work out.

The scene is quiet – no music, even – and kind of sexy but also kind of tense. Maybe for Bette, giving up control is like eating your vegetables, just like shacking up is for Shane.

Another after-party surprise – Shane goes to Wax. It’s on fire. Like, burning to the ground. An arson investigator asks her whether she has any enemies. She shakes her head and says she doesn’t want to file a report. Wow, Paige! Who knew you had it in you?

And one more after-party surprise – There’s a knock on Alice’s door. She’s scared and says, “Who is it?” in a dorky deep voice.

Tasha: Alice, open the door.
Hooray! Yeah, you saw it coming, but hooray anyway. Tasha refuses to say why she’s there or what’s going on; she has something better to do. Sweet. And sexy. I feel all patriotic when Alice says, “Oh, my soldier’s home,” and they slide to the floor. Patriotic? I meant erotic. Close enough.

Next time on The L Word: The producers want more sex in Lez Girls; Tina can’t stop talking about Bette; Max has an admirer (and so does Jenny); Tasha comes clean to Alice; Phyllis has a heart-to-heart with Joyce; Helena takes a shower; Shane works a wedding.

Can’t get enough of The L Word? Check back Thursday, when the We’re Getting Nowhere podcasters – er, vloggers – offer their take on this episode, and keep up on the latest L Word forum topics, news, articles and interviews in our main L Word section.

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