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“Dante’s Cove” Recaps: Episode 3.5 “Naked in the Dark”

Take me, I’m yours – When we last left Dante’s Cove, the sinister and mysterious House of Shadows had escaped its undersea prison and, using the body of its host, Michelle, was now hell-bent on painting the town red. Red with blood, that is. Mwahahaa.

Newly reconciled witch sisters Grace and Diana had rushed over to Michelle’s hotel room at the Golden Shower Inn to perform an exorcism and fashion makeover, when Michelle came bursting out of her closet, intent on having her way with them. And by the way, Michelle’s “way” involves slashing claws and choking. But, once again, not in the good way.

Now, standing in the middle of the pigsty that is Michelle’s hotel room, the sisters tremble as they watch Michelle foam at the mouth. Diana, stripped of her magic but knowing a thing or two about the House of Shadows, tells Grace to take her hand. With Grace’s magic and Diana’s knowledge, they’ll combine forces and drive Michelle back into the closet, literally. Diana’s Tresum power transfer looks like an animation of the time-release action of Grace’s estrogen replacement therapy.

After Diana releases her hand, Grace slumps onto the unmade bed, weak and out of breath. Diana emptied her of her magic faster than Bro can say, “Lose the shorts, whatever-your-name-is.”

Diana faces the Michelle beast. “Shadow, show yourself! Shadow, rise! Leave your mortal host!” she commands, as Michelle stands frozen in her tracks, twitching. A green gaseous cloud rises out of Michelle’s mouth and dissipates into the ceiling. Bleu cheese for lunch again?

The House of Shadows has finally left Michelle’s body for good. She collapses on the couch, unconscious. Grace teeters to her feet, telling Diana, “You did it! Now, all we have to do is …” but before she can finish, Diana lays Grace out with a sweeping, magical wave of her arm. Diana is drunk with power. Or maybe she’s just drunk.

Outside, Griff is calling Grace’s name while looking for a parking spot. After a moment, he comes rushing in, only to be pinned to the wall with a mere flick of Diana’s all-powerful hand. As Grace and Griff watch helplessly and Michelle takes a much-needed nap, Diana calls upon the House of Shadows to take her.

Moaning like a hyena in estrous, Diana writhes with ecstasy as the Shadows’ black cloud descends on her like a tiny twister, swirling around her body until she’s fully infused with their evil presence. Diana’s groans slowly subside as she recovers from her phantasmorgasm. She tosses her hair back and smiles deliciously. “Thank you, sister. I thank you. Mmm … the Shadows thank you,” Diana coos to Grace. Someone get a mop.

And with that, Diana slowly sashays out the door like a saloon whore. The House of Shadows was just a house. But Diana makes it a home.

As soon as Diana’s gone, Griff is released from the wall, Grace is able to stand, and Michelle finally wakes up, wondering if it was all just a bad dream. Is that you, Auntie Em?

Last call – Over at H2Eau, it’s closing time. The topless boys and one token girl that make up the waitstaff busy themselves with wiping tables and sweeping floors, pocketing a forgotten Saint roach here and there, and trying not to wonder too long about the mystery stains in the bathroom.

Bro is in his office reading his Sun Book, oblivious to the mess Kevin made while ransacking the place looking for the coveted tome. Normally as fastidious as the next gay man, Bro no longer cares if his desk is tidy, his window treatments hang just so, or if his orchids are watered. Bro’s laser-like focus kept him going for the 167 years he was locked in Grace’s basement, and it’s what will keep him going to win back Kevin’s affections. Failing that, he’ll do a spell to replace Kevin’s brain with a ball of yarn and keep him as a house plant.

Still giddy from the afterglow of her orgasmic Shadow meld, Diana emerges from behind the trees and stands at the edge of the dance floor, decked out in a witch’s prom dress and looking downright loony. Well, at least she’s changed out of her boring linen skirt. She holds her hand out and gestures in the general direction of H2Eau’s staff.

The token girl, who mere moments ago was impassively pushing a broom and wondering when was the exact moment her acting career went off the rails, suddenly stops sweeping. She eyes a nearby busboy and, without warning, raises the wooden broom handle over her head and cracks it in half over his bare back. The busboy goes down like a pair of panties on prom night. That’ll teach you to steal tips, beeyotch. On the other side of the dance floor, something has come over Daisy, but unfortunately, it’s not an urge to learn to read. He grabs a steak knife and shanks his co-worker in the back, burying the blade to its hilt in the guy’s rippled, tanned flesh.

Daisy steps over the heap on the floor in order to go after Token Girl. They struggle, but she’s no match for his ginormous Bowflex arms. He gets her right in the abs with his steak knife and guts her like a fish.

With no one left to kill, Daisy stands looking around, his face almost as expressive as a mannequin’s. Almost. What could he be thinking about? Existential themes in a post-modern world? Man’s relationship with God? Nah. He’s just looking for someone to stab.

Suddenly, a thought dawns on him. He plunges the knife into himself. Good night, Daisy.

Hearing the commotion, Bro steps out of his office and finds his entire staff dead on the floor. Slackers! Who’s going to clean out the margarita maker now?

Diana steps into the light and does a crazy person’s Electric Slide across the dance floor and over to Bro. Diana is a few straws short of a broomstick.

Bro: What’s happening? Diana: We’re celebrating the new me. [steps over the bodies] Seems my friends made a mess of the club. Bro: So, Grace was right all along. The House of Shadows is coming. Diana: Oh, Ambrosius, can’t you tell? We’re already here.
Diana uses her newly restored powers to plaster Bro to the wall, a nice addition to H2Eau’s stuffed shark.

The devil made her do it – Back at the no-tell motel, Michelle is finally free of the Shadows’ spell and coming to terms with the naughty things she’s done.

Michelle: My parents … I killed my parents. Grace: [coldly] Yes, you did. And you also got us into this predicament. Michelle: I was dead! You brought me back into this hell. Grace: No, not me. That was Diana’s doing. Michelle: Van … I have to find Van … she’ll know what to do. Grace: Van’s dead. Don’t you remember? You killed her, too.
Drat.

Michelle holds her head in her hands and cries, “I can’t be responsible for all this – I am not a murderer!”

Really? I think Van would disagree. And her dad. And her mom. And Marco. And I’m pretty sure Elena has an opinion, too.

Grace has no sympathy for the devil that was Michelle, but Griff, who hasn’t said a word so far, looks at her and says benevolently, “I know.”

Tresum’s alpha pair, Grace and Griff, leaves Michelle to consider all that’s happened. It doesn’t take Michelle long to resolve to make things right. And you can start by burning all your clothes.

Resident evil – Meanwhile at H2Eau, Diana is making Bro listen to her diabolical plans.

Diana: With every mind absorbed by the Shadows, my strength grows. I’m more powerful than I ever was. Bro: It’s an illusion, Diana. The Shadows are using you – this isn’t your power. Diana: I always liked you, Ambrosius. I’ll offer you this: freedom from your immortality. Your death will only take a few minutes. Not so for Griff and Grace. I’ll stretch their screams over eons.
Diana bids Bro adieu with a very inappropriate Kiss of Death. Except Bro doesn’t die; unless you count dying a little inside because lady lips are touching his mouth. It’s not exactly the demise Diana was hoping for.

Suddenly, she clutches her head in pain. Something is wrong. The spiders in Diana’s head are restless. She steps back from Bro and yodels, “Arise!!”

The H2Eau corpses rise from the floor where they lay and fall into formation behind their crazypants Shadow leader as if they’re all about to start dancing. Did someone request “Thriller“? Diana tells Bro she always envisioned a different kind of death for him, but muses there’s a certain poetry to being torn apart by your own employees. Nice to see being insane has not diminished Diana’s sense of playfulness.

As the necrobarbacks and busboys descend on him, Bro closes his eyes and chants urgently, “Release these bonds, release these bonds, release these bonds,” while wishing he enjoyed the kind of warm employee relations that only a group medical plan can provide.

Just as his disgruntled zombie staff is about to devour him, Bro’s spell kicks in and he disappears in a flash of Tresum light and magic. The zombies, like undead nitwits, claw at the wall where Bro is no longer standing. Diana calls into the night: “There’s no use disappearing! When I catch you, I’m gonna make you burrnnn!”

In the closet – The next morning, Toby and Adam go looking for Michelle and find her room abandoned, but still a shambles. As they walk around the litter, Toby hears a noise coming from the closet. He opens the door and both are overwhelmed with the stench of prairie skirts and gingham tops. Adam gags for a moment and then suddenly lunges at Toby. “Adam! Adam, it’s Toby!” Toby cries as best he can with Adam’s hand around his throat. He pushes his boyfriend back, sending Adam stumbling backwards into the closet.

An unseen force among the halter tops and wedge sandals sucks Adam deeper into the closet as he struggles to break free. Toby desperately tries to pull Adam out, but he too is almost sucked into the hellhole of discount fashion. He manages to hang onto the doorframe and, using all his might, breaks free, but it’s too late for Adam. He’s gone; another victim of the closet. The door slams violently shut.

Dante’s inferno – Elsewhere on the island, Kevin watches in horror as his beloved paradise de-evolves into a war zone. The tourists are dropping like flies and the island’s only Whole Foods is on fire. Oh, the humanity!

He runs to tell Trevor and Grace the devastating news.

Kevin: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Have you seen what’s going on out there? This whole town’s gone crazy! I barely made it out of there alive! You need another Tresum master! Grace: Oh, you know one? A real one? Kevin: I’m real! Grace: Oh, puh-leese. You dipped your toes in the shallows, boy. Don’t pretend you’re ready to swim with the sharks.
Before Kevin can retort, “I’m rubber, you’re glue,” Toby comes running up to everyone holding his head in agony. Grace recognizes a massive House of Shadows migraine when she sees one and warns the guys to stay back. The Shadows are trying to take over Toby’s mind. Grace says simply, “It’s safer just to kill him,” and starts a death incantation. Trevor and Kevin turn and look at Grace like she’s lost her damn mind. “What?!” they exclaim in unison.

Kevin breaks through the barrack that is Grace’s tiny arm. He places his hand on Toby’s head and does a spell of his own. It sounds like Kevin says, “Sever the wasp from under the sink. Bleach the poison from its womb!” I’m pretty sure that’s not how the spell goes but Kevin mumbles when he chants. Does it really matter?

Toby falls back. The pain is gone. Grace says off-handedly, “Maybe he has some skill after all.” Hilarious.

Finally able to speak, Toby tells the gang the Shadows got to Adam and he’s lost in the closet.

Life during wartime – Moments later, Toby is relaxing comfortably in the living room-cum-infirmary where Elena is still pretending to be unconscious, when really, she’s just had enough of all the gay drama. Nobody is happy with Grace’s kill-or-be-killed tactics.

Kevin: [to Grace] You were trying to kill him. Grace: He was infected. I was protecting all of us [to Kevin], you included. Cut off the gangrenous foot before it kills the leg. Trevor: That is so cold. Kevin: Remind me to never ask you for any help.
Grace reminds the bleeding hearts this enemy won’t hesitate to take out any one of them. Mercy is for losers.
Kevin: That works great for you. You don’t have anyone else to care about.
There goes Kevin again; all in the sauce and don’t know the flavor.

Ambrosius strolls in with his Sun Book and apologizes to Grace. She was right, he was wrong. Did you feel that? Hell just froze over.

Bro tells everyone that Diana is lost to the Shadows. She’s out to get Grace and everyone else for that matter, and oh, by the way, H2Eau is hiring.

Grace fears the worst and suggests they all retreat to Griff’s house, the best Tresum stronghold against the Shadows. Besides, Griff has the entire Six Feet Under series on DVD and an awesome pool table.

Brit nixes the idea of waking Elena up.

Brit: No. I won’t move Elena. Grace: Death would be merciful, compared to what’s in store if we stay. Bro: Like it or not, we’re in this together. All of us.
Egads, Bro and Grace working on the same team? Toby helping to rescue Adam, his rival for Toby’s affections and home cooking? This kind of cooperation doesn’t seem natural. What next? Monkeys washing cats?

Random acts of violence – Diana is still out there, wandering the island and muttering to herself like a crazy homeless lady. Michelle watches from behind a tree as two shirtless men approach Diana and ask if H2Eau is open for business. Diana touches one of the men’s bare arms and keeps walking, a mysterious smile frozen on her lips.

Instantly, the man turns to his friend and pummels him to a bloody pulp. Michelle runs away in alarm at the gay-on-gay violence.

Griff’s fortress – Brit drives everyone over to Griff’s house in her dykey pickup truck, with Toby, Kevin, Trevor and Bro riding in the back like four hillbillies on their way to a gay barn dance. Brit and Trevor carry Elena inside and put her on the bed while Toby and Kevin bring the briny prison of wood, otherwise known as Brit’s box, into the living room.

Toby and Kevin turn on the radio and tune into the island’s one and only station, KYJEL, and listen as the DJ reports on the recent chaos.

Announcer: Fires burn unabated. Violence is rampant. It’s simply chaos out there. Callers have suggested chemical warfare, but there is no evidence of an attack. Whatever the cause, it’s sweeping through the population at an alarming rate. Yet another horrific event for the beleaguered town of Dante’s Cove.
The other horrific event? The Chicken Dance craze of ’03.

Toby is worried about Adam and feels guilty because he wasn’t able to stop the Shadows from taking him. Kevin gives him a reassuring pat on the arm, but it’s little comfort to the eternal optimist who is Toby. He would rather be with Adam in the Closet from Hell than waiting to die without him.

Griff interrupts the counseling session and hands them a bunch of sticks that he identifies as “watchman berries.” Griff instructs Toby and Kevin to put the berries on all the windows as a way to keep the Shadows out. Toby dutifully obeys, but Kevin isn’t satisfied with Griff’s lame floral arrangement rituals.

Kevin: Well, what about me? I know Tresum, I can help. Griff: [scoffs] What can you do? Kevin: I can summon fireballs. Griff: [sarcastically] Fireballs?
Yeah, Kevin. No one cares about your mysterious rashes.

Griff’s had enough of Kevin’s immature obsession with power and blasts him for being too big for his boxer briefs. “Have you ever lost control of an enchantment?” he demands. Does losing control at the Christmas shoe sale at Barney’s count? Kevin pouts and rolls his eyes and doesn’t listen to a word Griff is saying, because he’s that kind of a-hole now that he knows some Tresum.

Total eclipse – In a quiet room, Bro tries to use his Sun Book, but it does not speak to him anymore. He hurls the book away in frustration just as Trevor enters with other books, including Grace’s long-lost Moon Book.

Bro tells Trevor his Sun Book chapter entitled “How to Save the World in Three Easy Spells” is encrypted and he can’t read it. Simple, well-meaning Trevor suggests that Bro try using the Moon Book, but Bro is sure those stupid moon witches have nothing to teach an awesome sun warlock such as himself. Bro runs out to tell his Tresum kinfolk the good news. It’s all so clear now.

Griff: When the books were written, the rivalry between the Houses of Sun and Moon didn’t exist. The Tresum scribes didn’t foresee a time when the two houses wouldn’t share information freely. Grace: So, what does the prophesy say? Bro: A mighty Tresum master will level the playing field in the war against the Shadows. But only a virgin can deliver the killing stroke to close the Shadow portal forever. We have everything that we need. The portal, which is obviously the box – we possess that. Griffin, you and I are the Tresum masters, and the virgin … is Grace.
Uh. Yeah, about that …

Grace ‘fesses up that she’s not a virgin anymore, while Griff looks down at the floor and counts the tiles.

Almost 200 years without ba-donk-a-donking and now she decides it’s time to see what all the fuss is about? Bro is livid. And speechless, for once.

Finally, he finds the words: “How are we supposed to find a virgin to fight the House of Shadows? We are in Dante’s Cove, for Christ’s sake.”

That is the best line of the entire season.

Bro slams his book shut and storms off as Grace and Griff look at each other and wonder if they should feel guilty or go have a quickie in the bathroom.

Why? – Meanwhile, Michelle is off by herself trying to wrap her head around the terrible things she’s done, the lives that have been lost, and the injustice of the guys never having to don the heinous fashions that she and Elena have had to endure. She’s baaack – Trevor is hanging his berries in the window: a sure way to keep certain people away, but a clear invitation to other types. He looks out and sees Diana in the yard, stumbling around, feeling her way with her arms outstretched as if she’s playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey and has badly lost her way. Trevor sounds the alarm, which consists of saying, “She’s here.” Diana raises her arms and the sun goes out, throwing the island into blackest night. The house goes into DEFCON 5: Brit suggests everyone arm themselves, Trevor runs off to check all the doors, Toby stands there saying, “S—.” Let’s not put Toby in charge.

Diana’s bitterness and hunger for power has turned her into an instrument of the dark side. Griff, Bro and Grace monitor Diana from the window, knowing they are the Shadows’ hat trick.

In the back of the house, Trevor has found an open sliding glass door. He closes it, but it’s too late: something rushes up on him and he’s taken by the dark forces. Very superstitious – By the light of a few candles, Toby, Brit and Kevin assemble the paltry weapons and tools that can be found among common household items: scissors, a kitchen knife and a candlestick. With Colonel Mustard, in the billiard room.

The Three Musketeers enter and scoff at the mere mortals and their utensils. However, Brit would rather depend on a pair of pinking shears than Grace’s hocus-pocus.

Grace: This battle will be fought and won with magic. Brit: No. I’m not going to rely on superstition to save us. I only trust something I can touch. Things that are real. Grace: Tresum is very real. And it’s a powerful ally. Brit: It’s a menace. Your witchcraft only causes problems – it solves nothing. No, I will never touch your magic.
Kevin rolls his eyes impatiently. Frickin’ chicks.

Wiser than Kevin will ever be, Grace picks up what Brit is throwing down. She’ll never touch magic. Grace asks Brit if Michelle ever tried to get her hooked on Tresum. And Brit remembers that yes, Michelle tried more than once to get her to touch her magic. She was practically begging for it. Heh.

“We had it all wrong. We thought ‘virgin’ meant untouched by pleasures, but it doesn’t. Untouched by magic,” Grace says with a flourish, all proud of herself. Brit realizes that’s why Michelle attacked Elena; to trick Brit into sullying herself with magic. And when Brit didn’t fall for her trickery, Michelle was easily beaten back by Brit and Grace and was forced to walk home empty-handed.

Griff sums it up for Kevin and the others: “Only a powerful Tresum master and a non-magic warrior can defeat the House of Shadows and close the portal forever.”

Brit’s finally on board because being called a “warrior” has a coolness factor that’s irresistible to lesbians.

Kevin, who has all the patience and comprehension of a 6-year-old, stamps his feet and says who cares about prophecy; let’s go kick some Shadow ass, man!

Grace laughs the knowing laugh of a woman who isn’t a virgin by any definition. Kevin’s raging ego is exactly the kind of fuel the House of Shadows runs on. A true Tresum master never has to prove it, Grasshopper.

I’ll show you – Kevin is dismissed by being told to go put up some more watchman berries. He grumbles they’ll never see he’s the strong one when Trevor, now naked and lubed up, appears at the glass doors. The House of Shadows took his clothes. Why? Who knows. “The others don’t respect you,” Trevor says, egging Kevin on. But Trevor’s words are mere echoes. Under the cover of a dark canopy of trees, Diana intones the words she speaks to Kevin through Trevor while his ass glistens in the moonlight.

Trevor: You’re so beautiful and free – it terrifies them. Kevin: I’m not afraid of you. Trevor: Why would you be? You’re more powerful than all three. They tremble behind berries while only you are brave enough to face me. Kevin: I can destroy you. Trevor: I know you can. You can save them all – they’d respect you then. Power ripples through your body; every muscle pulses with it.
Oh geez, Diana. Put the trowel away. No one’s dumb enough to fall for crap that thick.

Kevin opens the door and lets Trevor in, who promptly grabs him. I stand corrected.

The next thing anyone knows, Kevin is out on the front lawn, confronting Diana alone. From the window, the rest of the gang watches in alarm as he tries to take on the Shadow Queen with a few fireballs. Her trick worked, if only on the silly boy named Kevin. Tricks are for kids.

Diana takes Kevin’s cute fireball and hurls it back at him with great force and a wicked spin. She laughs manically and, in a new and inexplicable German accent, tells Kevin she “vas counting on” his arrogance.

Diana: Such a sad little boy you are. Oh, how I relish picking you off, von by von. Come out, come out, vherever you are. Grace: [watching from the window] Oh, not even Kevin deserves this.
No one does, honey.

Diana easily sucks all the power out of Kevin, and he starts rolling around on the lawn. She dances alone in the dark, waiting for her next victim.

The longer he watches his soul mate suffer, the more Bro is tempted by Diana’s trap; he wants to run out and rescue Kevin from Diana’s wrath – and whatever dog poo he may be rolling on in the grass.

Grace: Let him go, Ambrosius. Bro: I can’t. I love him. I don’t expect you to understand. Toby: I’ll go with you then. Bro: No. Without powers, you’d only be another sacrifice; she’d only get stronger.
Griff and Grace know it’s a trick, so they decide they should all go outside. Sure, why not!

While Bro struggles to bring Kevin to his feet, Griff tries to distract Diana with some firepower of his own.

As Grace chants, he sends a screaming blue flame her way. It’s enough to extinguish Diana’s fingertips. She looks down at them, wondering if they’re out of lighter fluid. Bro takes the lull as his chance to get Kevin back in the house, behind the kind of protection that only a few magic berries can provide.

And then, this happened – In the bedroom, Brit is still doting on Elena, who may want to go back to being unconscious if she ever wakes up to see the campy nonsense going on around her. Brit can hear the thunder and lots of yelling outside. She asks Toby what the hell is going on out there?

Just then, the door by the bed starts to open by itself. Brit leaps up and throws herself against it, screaming for Toby to come help her. Outside, Bro helps Kevin toward the house as Grace and Griff cover him. And then, as if there aren’t too many cooks in the kitchen already, Michelle comes running up and says she knows how to stop the insanity; she has to die.

Never a big fan of Michelle’s, Grace is happy to oblige, but Griff believes Brit the Virgin is the key to closing the portal. Sorry, Michelle, but you’re just not part of the plan. He grabs Michelle and locks her away in a back room.

Meanwhile, Toby and Brit are still trying to shut the door when they hear Adam’s voice calling out. Brit warns Toby it’s another trick – one much, much worse than getting conned into a time-share presentation.

Intruder alert – The front door opens and Diana walks right in. OK, who forgot to berry up the front door? Griff tells her to stop where she is, but Diana has a bone to pick with him.

Diana: I was a good and loyal servant to Tresum Council, until you tore my life away. You created me, Griffin, and I thank you for it.
Diana opens fire on Griff, bombarding him with her fiery fury. He curls up into a ball at the foot of the couch. Diana’s gone Tresum postal.

Bro and Grace clasp hands and begin repeating an incantation over the box.

Grace: Bury the viper’s nest in fury’s maelstrom! Bro: Open your dark embrace; reclaim your denizens!
Grace is torn between continuing the spell and rushing to her lover Griff’s aid, but Bro won’t let her go. “Grace! Concentrate!” he commands urgently.

So long, Toby – Back in the bedroom, Toby is about to give in to Adam’s pleas from behind the scary plywood door.

Brit screams: “The Shadows are in there! Toby, no!” For someone who thinks magic is a bunch of bull crap, Brit sure sounds like she believes right about now. But it’s no use. Toby pushes her aside, flings the door open and jumps into the void. Or the laundry room. Who knows where the door leads? The door slams shut behind him.

Grace tries to appeal to her sister’s sense of family.

Grace: Diana, stop this war. This isn’t what our father wished for you! Diana: He knew I was the future of Tresum, and right he was! I’ll be the one to drag it into darkness!

Running with scissors – Brit comes running out of the bedroom with a knife and heads straight for Diana. Brit may have a major problem with magic, but apparently she has no such qualms about assault with a deadly weapon. As long as it’s physical and not metaphysical, she’s OK with it, even if it kills.

Having magic also means having eyes in the back of your head. Diana turns and gives Brit a pepper spray spit take. All hell breaks loose – Brit is pinned to the wall. The ground shakes. Grace and Bro are on their knees, unable to open the box with all their chanting. Griff covers his head in fear. The door to the room where Michelle is stashed comes crashing in on her.

Diana stands with her arms akimbo and her eyes spinning counterclockwise. Do those kids on Dante’s Cove know how to party or what?

Meanwhile, Elena is dreaming about ice cream, Jodie Foster and a three-legged donkey. Oh, wait. That was me. Never mind.

Michelle comes running out into the living room as Diana continues shrieking complete gibberish. Seeing the knife in Brit’s hand, she pries her immobilized arm off the wall and positions the knife against her own gut. “I brought the Shadows into this world. I’ll take them with me when I die,” Michelle tells Brit as she plunges the knife into herself. Oh no. She put a hole in her lovely blouse.

Still gripping the bloody knife, Brit sinks to the floor and starts bawling like a baby. Gah, it sucks when your ex makes you stab them. Michelle assures her, “It’s OK, it’s OK,” as the blood runs out of her in rivulets.

Michelle staggers over to Diana and grabs her hands. Over the cacophony of Grace and Bro’s incessant chanting and the thunder cracking outside, Michelle hisses, “Time for us to die,” as she lock eyes with Diana and holds her in a face-to-face death grip.

Slowly, Michelle sinks down. And falls dead at Diana’s feet.

Finally, the box creaks open. Good God, what took so long? Diana contorts as Shadows’ fumes exit her body in a billowing, dark cloud. The vapors creep toward the box as Bro and Grace hold the lid, waiting to trap it inside. As the last of the Shadows fly into the box, they slam the lid shut. Thank goodness that’s over. Now, who wants a Hot Pocket?

Tissue? I hardly know you – The sun comes out again. Bro and Grace embrace in relief, their centuries-old feud finally put to rest. Grace cries uncontrollably until Griff offers her his massive shoulders to weep upon. There, there.

Brit is still crying and crawls over to Michelle’s lifeless body. She wails, “Please come back,” as she hovers over her, big, hot tears splattering all over Michelle’s nose.

Griff and Grace join Brit to look at the dead body. Brit begs, “Can’t you do something?” Oh sure. Now the big-shot scientist wants a little magic. All those logical principles go right out the window when someone wants to make a wish.

Brit: Michelle, why did you do it? Grace: Michelle accepted her role in this. She was the Shadows’ portal into our world. Her death was their exit out. The box, just a prison. And she was very brave.
Just then, Elena appears, weak and confused, in the doorway.
Griff: Don’t be sad. Death is only a transformation. [turning to look at Elena] Besides, there’s someone else who needs you more.
Elena wobbles across the room to Brit. She wants to know what’s going on. Take a number, Elena.

Brit, overcome by seeing her girlfriend alive, kisses Elena between new sobs – of joy. Elena holds Brit’s head against her, giving Brit one last look at Michelle. Is it wrong to want to mess around with a dead body? Yes, Brit, it is. Let her go already.

Meanwhile, on the couch, Kevin is out cold. Bro watches over him, crying and stroking his forehead. After a minute, Kevin comes to, groggy and confused but none the worse for wear. In fact, that’s his normal state, so he’s actually fine.

Bro: We won. Kevin: I knew you would. Bro: But Toby. He’s gone. He’s lost to the Shadows. Kevin: No. No. Bro: I’m sorry. I know how much you loved him. Kevin: Take me home.
As Bro and Kevin leave the house, Trevor watches them from behind a tree. He looks down at himself and realizes he’s naked. Does one really need to actually look down to know if one has clothes on or not? I like to look in my mouth to make sure I’m actually eating.

“What the hell happened?” He scurries back inside to wonder where his clothes are and why there’s a dead girl on the floor.

Aftermath – Griff has decided the safest place for the Shadows’ prison box is in storage at Tresum Council headquarters. He packs it into a crate even as Grace wonders aloud if the bureaucrats at HQ can be trusted with something so important. But what can Griff do? He tells Grace that he’s always been a company man, and if he were to break rank now, there would have to be a damn good reason.

Grace takes his hand and places it on her belly. Is this a good enough reason, Daddy?

And here I thought 100-year-old eggs were just a Chinese dish.

Grace warns Griff if the Tresum Council ever found out they had a baby … but he shushes her before she can finish. Ooh. Can you say “cliffhanger”? At Bro’s house, Kevin has made his choices. Granted, Toby falling down a rabbit hole made it easier, but Kevin’s new love is Tresum, and if he wants to indulge that attraction, who better than the Sun Book master to show him how?

The happy couple lies in bed wondering where Toby and Adam might be at that very moment. Wherever they are, at least they have each other. Yeah, what’s hell without company?

Bro adds that Kevin is truly free this time; free to leave or stay. Kevin tells Bro with a kiss that he’s exactly where he wants to be, his Stockholm Syndrome now fully ingrained in his being.

As they lose themselves in kisses, they don’t notice the mirror at the foot of the bed. The reflection is lost as a new image emerges. It’s Toby and Adam. From the inside, they shout and pound on the glass as Bro and Kevin lie in front of them on the bed. No one can hear their calls for help. Trapped in the mirror that faces Bro and Kevin’s bed, condemned to an eternity of watching them have sex and snore.

Welcome to hell, boys.

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