Archive

“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: “I Choose …”

Ice, ice baby – It’s the season finale, and Tila wants to kick off the show by letting us know that she means business! Tila tells us, “I haven’t shown them my talents, like, what I do.” She wants them to see what a day in the life of Tila T. is like when she isn’t refereeing testicle-eating contests or giving lap dances to dirty old ladies.

In fact, you may not even know about Tila’s “talents” aside from being the star of A Shot at Love. If that is the case, then please allow me to enlighten you. In addition to being a professional bisexual bachelorette, Tila is also an entrepreneur, model, actress and singer.

Actually, she’s a musician. She tells us: “I’m a musician; I write my own lyrics; I’m in the studio. I want someone who can handle that.”

Perhaps you’ve heard tracks from her debut album, or The SEX EP? Maybe Dani and Bobby will spend some time at the recording studio with Tila providing backup vocals to songs like “Stripper Friends” or “I Love You.” Both songs sound pretty romantic, but here’s a sample of some of her lyrics from “I Love You” (the song she plays for them in the studio):

You know

I just want to let you know

That I never felt this way about anyone else

I … I … I think I love you

So don’t think I’m crazy when I tell you this

But if you ever hurt me

I’ll f—in’ kill you

You betta obey if you want my nookie

You betta stop talkin’ to all them hoochies

You betta wise up and listen to me

I will f— you up

She brings Dani and Bobby to the studio and is excited to introduce them to her brilliant engineer, who has worked with other big-time musicians like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson. “But most importantly,” she tells them, “Tila Tequila.”

She laughs, therefore forcing them to do the same, but I wonder if Dani noticed that Tila is now speaking about herself in the third person, just like Bobby does. Ew.

Tila tells them to write lyrics to the tune of “I Love You” and sing them to her. She doesn’t specify that the song has to also be about her, but I think it goes without saying. Bobby isn’t confident that he can pull it off, but Dani is. After all, she’s a lesbian, which means she has an inherent ability to compose love songs and play the acoustic guitar. She grabs the little composition notebook and starts emoting up a storm!

Bobby is up first. Tila joins him in the studio, gives him a rappy introduction and then unleashes him on the microphone.

Listen to the whisper

From your touch to your fear

Break it down right

Break it down tight

You better pick me

Or we’re gonna fight

You better realize all the things I do

And all the ridiculous things you put me through

But in the end, I know you’ll see

There’s only one left

That’s me, Bobby B!

It is really bad. So bad that it makes me wish the real Bobby B. was there instead, singing “My Prerogative.” Or “Don’t Be Cruel.” Jesus, at this point I’d even hold up my lighter and beg for “Roni.” Beg.

Dani is up next, and she approaches the task with characteristic good humor. Or maybe she just can’t stop laughing at Bobby’s “rap.”

You know you really been f—ing with my head and s—

So I just had to let you know

That this is how it is

In my world …

When I came on this trip

I didn’t expect much

I thought I’d come here with a bunch of sluts

I thought I’d get drunk

And maybe hook up

Who’d a thought I’d fall in love?

Came up to your house for a pool par-tay

And you a pulled a big old trick on me

You told me that you weren’t just frickin’ gay

You told me that you swing both ways

Ah s—

How could you do this to me?

Now I felt like maybe I should flee

Like Lala she just couldn’t handle it

But I’m ‘a stick around

Even if it’s against a dick

And when I’m done

I’m gonna be your number one

Yeah we’re gonna have so much frickin’ fun

And I’m gonna love you

More than these f —s

I wanna be the only one

To rock your world

Lemme show you my guns – unh!

OK, that was pretty bad too. But it was funny bad, and Dani was in on the joke. And Tila loved it.

So now that everyone has seen Tila’s “musician” world, it’s time for her to show her suitors what her modeling life looks like. Which means she’s dragging these two poor bastards into a photo shoot.

Jungle boogie – They put Bobby in a tuxedo and slick his hair back like a Baldwin (think Billy, not Alec), then have him mount Tila atop a pool table. They both get into it, and Bobby likes having his picture taken.

Then it’s Dani’s turn, and suddenly, despite her bomb-ass rapping skills, she’s at a disadvantage. Unlike Bobby, she’s in drag. And by “drag” I mean heavy makeup, a dog collar-like bow tie, and a girlie tank top. She doesn’t look like she’s feeling very studly, and Tila looks a bit bored in her shots with Dani.

I can’t help but wonder how it might have been different if they had dressed Dani in a tuxedo, too. Not only would she have looked hotter in it than Bobby did, she probably would have felt more dashing (think Alec, not Billy).

Worse yet, the three of them then do then photo shoot together. It looks like a still from some sort of demented Tarzan and Jane and Jane Goodall movie. And once again, Dani is at a disadvantage.

Bobby gets to rock a loincloth. (Yes, I said gets to. I played Tarzan as a kid and I loved my homemade loincloth. You can climb trees faster in them and, unlike husky size Toughskins, they breathe.) But Dani is stuck in a fruity wraparound skirt and spandex top. To be fair, Bobby is wearing even more makeup than Dani. I haven’t seen this much eyeliner since I last went to a Kurt Russell double feature.

This is where I could go off on my women’s studies rant about how all the iconic romantic images in popular culture are heterosexual, how the posing of Bobby and Tila in the photograph taps into a vast heterocentric mythology, and how heterosexuality has its own built-in public relations department with which gay (or bi) love simply cannot compete.

But I won’t do that to you.

I’ll just say that Bobby and Tila are wrapped around each other like a couple of orangutans while Dani is stuck on the outside, clutching at Tila’s bikini and wearing an “I smell stinky cheese” look on her face. Bobby has no problem posing with two scantily clad women, but Dani is skeeved out by being anywhere in the vicinity of Bobby’s baby oil-soaked pecs.

Which is exactly the look Bobby would have on his face if he had to pose with Tila and, oh, say Ryan. He’d be so freaked out about their potential crossing of swords that he probably wouldn’t even remember to suck in his gut and pout for the camera.

Good vibrations – Tila ducks out of the photo shoot to go home and prepare for a very special dinner. The “huge surprise” she has for them is that she’s invited their families to dine with them. Bummer. I was hoping for a Survivor-style jury of peers who would deliberate on who Tila should pick and why. I could stand to hear one more speech from Ashley, couldn’t you?

Sadly, Dani’s granny is not in attendance. Dani’s mother and (boy) cousin are there, and Bobby’s mother, stepfather and brother are there too. Tila gives them a tour of her crib, and they don’t have to see much of the house (or the pool) for Bobby’s mother to get dollar signs in her eyes. She is on point tonight, and begins to kiss Tila’s shapely little ass right away. No more storming off from the table or barking “I’m not impressed” at Bobby’s potential future meal ticket.

As Diana Ross once sang, Bobby’s mom is going to make Tila love her. Yes she is, yes she is.

My favorite part of the tour is when Tila points out the chandelier made of glass (or plastic) vibrators. No, that’s my second favorite part. My real favorite is watching the reaction shots to the vibrating chandelier.

Dani’s mom asks Tila if making her final decision is difficult, and then launches into her sales pitch for her daughter. Dani’s mom is pimping!

Dani’s mom: Look at this person right here. She’s good people. You don’t get anyone more genuine than her.

Then Bobby’s mom launches into her spiel for Bobby, which turns into a platform for all of her other tedious opinions, among them, “There should never be two women in the kitchen.” Ugh. Bobby beams as he tells us that though his mom isn’t holding anything back tonight, he loves her. I think he still has A Shot at Love With His Own Mother!

Tila tells the moms that she’s “mad” about Bobby and “crazy” about Dani, which kicks off a debate over whether “mad” is better than “crazy,” which is dumb because everyone knows that “clinically insane” trumps all.

As Bobby’s bitchy mom spouts catty remarks with a big grin on her face at Dani’s mom, Dani shifts uncomfortably in her chair and clenches her jaw. Something tells me this isn’t this first time she’s had to listen to two women fight over her. And after her star-making turn as the featured futch on this show, it probably won’t be the last.

Tila puts an end to the debate by offering to take everyone to the room in the house that they haven’t seen. And we all know what that means

Welcome to the jungle – Tila takes the whole gang down to her dungeon, and all hell breaks loose. Tila says: “Bobby’s mom is a wild woman! She was the first one to get on that pole!” Cut to Bobby’s mom twirling and stumbling around. No, she doesn’t fall on her head like alleged professional exotic dancer Vanessa did, but she has definitely not been watching her Carmen Electra Aerobic Striptease DVDs (whereas I would like to be watching one right now).

Bobby tells us that he is “scarred for life” from watching his mother work a pole, and I couldn’t agree with him more. Continuing to kiss ass even in the room where paddling would be more appropriate, she calls to Tila, “Get up there and show me how it’s done, girlfriend!”

Tila is all too happy to oblige, but when she goes upside down, her top drops and she inadvertently flashes her breasts to everyone in the room. Bobby’s stepdad and brother are thrilled! Tila is embarrassed and laughs, while Dani is quick to rush to her and help her cover up again.

Bobby’s brother says that he can’t wait to go back to school and “brag about seeing Tila’s t–s.” Miraculously, Bobby’s mother isn’t “unimpressed” at all! In fact, she’s laughing her ass off. And she’s not even offended when Tila skips over to Bobby’s brother and proclaims: “You saw my boobies! Shut your eyes.” Then she shoves her chest in his face and gives him a motorboat.

Cut to Bobby’s stepdad, who looks like the Kmart version of Sam Elliott doing his best Dean Martin impersonation as he slurs, “Tila … is a natural on the pole, without a doubt.”

Cut to Tila earnestly telling us: “I love these families. I feel like they fill this void that I missed out on my whole life.” Then cut to Bobby’s stepdad and Dani’s mom working the poles in tandem while Bobby’s mom gets hammered.

Tila sends everyone home so she can begin her decision-making process. And readjust her breasts.

Back on the bus, y’all – Dani wakes up crabby because she didn’t sleep well. She spent the night stressing over the prospect of being eliminated, and she’s over the “up and down” of the competition. She tells us that she’s never been this stressed out over a girl, and furthermore, she’s “never been this in touch with my feelings. It’s ridiculous!”

Everyone is in touch with their emotions in this episode. Tila waxes poetic about how much she’s bonded with all of the contestants and how “when you eliminate someone, they take a piece of you with them.” (I’m thinking Vanessa just took some stuff from the liquor cabinet when she left.) She makes it sound like she’s been having real relationships with these strangers, not hosting a reality dating show. It’s weird.

Bobby and Dani head downstairs to pick up their last message in a bottle from Tila. This time, the message isn’t a challenge, it’s a gift. She is sending them off to be pampered, a little trade-off for the stress she knows they’re experiencing as they await the final elimination tonight.

Dani receives her first pedicure (Bobby gets his second – remember the last spa day, when Michael B. got his ass waxed?) and recalls fondly her journey from skeptical suitor (telling another contestant, “You gave it up way too fast” after she made out with Tila on the first night) to love-stoned celezbrity.

We’re treated to a montage of Favorite Dani and Tila moments (also known as Tila Goes to Gay School), including when Tila asked her about her first sexual experience with another girl, when Tila asked her why she wasn’t wearing girlie clothes, Dani feeding Tila some food, Tila working the pole at Dani’s fire station, and some of their hottest kisses. All to the strains of the Indigo Girls’ “Least Complicated.” Lame.

Bobby is feeling wistful too. We see a montage of Bobby’s most memorable moments, including eating a bull’s penis, getting his ass kicked by crazy Ashley, and the romantic ambulance ride to the hospital with Tila afterwards. And he remembers the good ol’ days when he used to think that his only competition was the men. But now he finds himself sitting across from his lone competitor, a chick in a tie. Ain’t it a kick in the pants?

Last chance for love – Tila still hasn’t made up her mind as to who she’s going to pick, and she has one last date with each of the contestants to help her do just that. Her first date is with Dani, who promptly proposes a romantic toast to her lady.

Dani has turned a corner and now seems to be totally head over heels (or as Christine Baranski as Maryann Thorpe on Cybill once said, “heels over head”) for Tila. She tells us: “I’ve never dated a girl to where my mom has met them, my grandma’s gotten a lap dance already, they’ve been to her house and we’ve had dinner under a dildo chandelier, and then her t— popping out. This is crazy!”

At dinner Dani makes her own final sales pitch to Tila: “I’m telling you now, I think I’m the best one for you here that’s left. I really like you, I want to get to know you more without all this crap around us. I think we’d have a great time together. I think it would work, man. I think it would work.”

Then she surprises Tila with a curious little gift, a leather key chain. Is it sexual, you know, as in leather? Is it about having a key to her heart? Do tell! Dani unfolds the leather casing around the key to reveal a little note she’s written to Tila. It reads, “I’ll always be here for you,” and includes her phone number (which the producers have wisely blurred because you obsessive lesbians are cuh-razy!)

It’s a sweet gesture, but is it a winning gesture? If Dani wins, won’t Tila already have her number? I’m not sure that it sends a good subliminal message. It already makes her look like a gracious loser.

Tila is moved and is “over dinner” and “ready to get down to some cuddling and some snuggling.” Huh? Why does Bobby get to maul her while Dani only gets to hold her while they talk? Tila raves about their “deep connection,” but she doesn’t seem overly turned on by her. Where is Dani’s lap dance? If Tila really cared about her, she’d be giving her one Right. Now.

Dani, like the rest of us, is dumbfounded by the fact that Tila still hasn’t made up her mind already and chosen her. I mean seriously, Bobby? Really?

On her last date with Bobby, Tila tells us that she is “expecting a lot” from him. And apparently he can expect a lot from her, because she arranges to meet him at the grotto and strips down to her tiny little bathing suit immediately upon arrival. She is already wearing 78 percent less clothing with Bobby than she did with Dani on their date. How is this fair? And they’re drinking champagne! Dani and Tila had red wine. What the hell?

Tila ribs him about being nervous for their date, as well as for all of their previous dates. But she stops bitching at him when he gives her a present. It’s a “song book” in which she can write, and it includes a squishy note he wrote to her inside. It will be a great place for her to create songs like “Knock U Out.” Here’s a sample of that little ditty:

Pour my drink get down like WHAT?

Down like WHAT?

Down like WHAT?

Pour my drink get down like WHAT?

Down like WHAT?

Down like WHAT?

BITCH!

Slap on the extra makeup

I’ll be on the grind tryin’ to get my cake up

It’s R.J. bras and rockin’ Marc Jacobs

All day flossin’, f—in’ ya’ll face up

You try to Photoshop your face up

Ever since you put your MySpace up

I break rules, my s—‘s forbidden

You look like a dude, this bitch is straight trippin’

They frolic in the pool for a while, then when they get out she asks Bobby what he would think if she picked Dani over him. He admits that Dani might provide the “best of both worlds” because “she’s not like everyone … like lesbians, what they call ‘butchy,’ but she’s not butchy. She dresses really good, kinda like me.” I guess he didn’t get the “futch” memo.

Bobby and Tila make out, and if Dani saw this and compared it to her own date with Tila, she’d know that she isn’t going to win.

Judgment day – Tila looks nervous (and extremely well-coiffed) as she walks on water (OK, Plexiglass – it’s a trick she learned from Tyra on Top Model) to get to the special outdoor elimination platform that’s been erected for this auspicious occasion. It’s no accident that they’re made to walk down an aisle to get to Tila. I think it’s a setup for the sequel, A Shotgun Wedding With Tila Tequila.

Tila makes a little speech, telling them why she loves them as they crawl out of their skin waiting for her to just get to it already. Tila tells us that she now realizes that “it’s not about being with a guy or being with a girl. It’s about ratings, publicity, and making the rounds on the late-night talk show circuit.”

Oops. Sorry, that was the speech I wrote for Tila. Her version goes like this: “It’s not about being with a guy or being with a girl. It’s about who’s the best for me.”

Dani has rocked Tila’s world because she “has the soft touch of a woman, but you can be tough like a man, and with you I get to have the best of both worlds.” She digs Bobby because he has made her laugh, she feels comfortable with him, and he has fought for her “literally.”

It comes down to one key, and Tila presents it to … Bobby!

Oh. My. God. Bobby? I never would have guessed. Tila ends up with a dude? This is crazy!

Bobby is speechless, and so is Dani. But for completely different reasons.

Dani walks away as the two of them embrace and as we are “treated” to an endless montage of all of Tila’s kissing sessions with the two of them.

Tila then snaps out of her reverie and squeaks, “Oh my gosh, Dani!” and goes running after her. She calls after Dani to wait, and she does, and Tila rewards her with a chaste embrace.

She gives her the obligatory weepy speech about how much she cares about her and how it’s not “easy” for her to dump Dani. Tila tells Dani, “Please tell your family and all the firefighters that I say goodbye and take care.” (And while you’re at, please tell the firefighters that she’ll probably be available again in a few months if they want her to come back for repeat performance.)

Tila loves Dani, but she’s in love with Bobby. This is as baffling to Dani as it is to me. Dani is shocked and hurt, but she looks fabulous. Sitting on the curb wearing her black vest and silver tie, she looks like she should be waiting for Nicole Kidman to come kiss her in a Chanel ad. Something tells me that Dani is gonna be just fine.

Like me, Bobby can’t believe that Tila picked him. Tila takes him by the hand and says: “Come inside, my lover, my boo. I could be your wifey.”

I think Bobby said something in response, but I missed it because the “my lover” comment immediately sent me on a Saturday Night Live flashback to the skits in which Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch played that creepy, poetry-spouting, ass-grabbing couple who called each other “my lovah.” And my 5-second memory of that SNL bit was way more entertaining than the last 56 minutes of this show.

Tila closes the show by happily spouting “I ended up with a man!” as if it’s the wildest, most unpredictable thing she’s ever done in her entire life, the likes of which has never been seen before in the history of reality television. Oh Tila, if only that were true.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button