THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:
The leech: Fenner makes the most of the presence of Virginia the pimp. The loyalist : Karen thinks Fenner can do no wrong. The lovers: Helen and Thomas get a little closer.On the take – Fenner is collecting some cash from one of Virginia O’Kane’s brothels. He’s sitting in his car in the dark with an envelope of cash, looking around furtively, taking some cash for himself, making lots of rustling noises – ugh, get on with it already! I don’t want to spend one more minute in the dark with him than I have to. Plus, why do his hands look kind of greasy? I shudder to think.
He drives away and suddenly it’s morning and we’re at Larkhall, where Shaz is woefully looking out the window. Does it remind you of another lovelorn lesbian who used to hope for a glimpse of her bird on the outside?
Oh, maybe she’s just watching the Peckham Boot Gang, who are doing the yard duty that used to be her province. Maxi holds up something unsavory and calls up to Shaz: “Al’s got your breakfast here.”
Shaz turns away from the window and gazes forlornly at a picture of herself in Denny’s arms. Aww.
Love on the rocks – Mark is trying to apologize to Gina for his little indiscretion with Di.
Mark: You know I’m a prat when I’ve had a few. Gina: You’re a prat when you haven’t.Prat, by the way, is one of my favorite Britishisms. (It means arse, as in pratfall.) Americans just don’t have the equivalents of prat and wanker. I also think we have about one-third as many words for tired as the Brits do, but that might just be because my time in the U.K. was spent in the company of university students.
Anyway, Gina doesn’t want to hear Mark’s excuses. He grabs her and tries to make her see things his way, but it only provokes her further.
Mark: Look, I’m not gonna lose you over some sad shag like Di Barker. Gina: The only thing that you regret, Mark, is gettin’ found out. Now get your face outta mine before I smack it into the middle of next week.No, wait, I wanna see that! Sigh. She just stomps off instead.
Sick of everything – Shaz doesn’t want to leave her cell. She’s not feeling well. Or maybe she knows the Peckham Boot Gang will make sure she never feels well again.
But Hollamby insists, via many colorful phrases as only Hollamby can, that Shaz go to breakfast. I don’t understand this: Why aren’t prisoners allowed to just stay in their cells if they want to? Who cares?
Yvonne saunters by as Hollamby threatens to drag Shaz out by her ears.
Yvonne: Only I swear I heard Officer Hollamby issue a personal threat. Shaz: I don’t need no favors from you. Yvonne: [quirking her brows] Suit yourself. And you, Sylvia, should pick on someone your own size. [looking Hollamby up and down] If you can find anyone.Oh, Yvonne. I definitely need some favors from you. Whichever ones you want to give.
The wing office – Di is stupid enough to talk to Gina. She tries to explain herself: She was drunk; she’s been under a lot of pressure; they were just two mates who got carried away. And she wouldn’t have done it if she’d known Gina was pregnant.
Gina: Ah, sod it. Maybe you did me a favor. I’m carrying one bastard. Why would I wanna get stuck with another?Di suddenly worries that Gina is going to have an abortion and starts to give her opinion of that notion, but Gina interrupts and tells her to get her words off her body. Well, she tells her to sod off, which is much more effective, if less feminist.
Gina: And for your information, Mark’s not your mate. He thinks you’re a slag. So just piss off out of my life!Oh. That was delightful!
Virginia’s cell – Fenner gives Virginia a report on her businesses. She wisely assumes she doesn’t need to pay him his share of the profits. And then she asks him to scratch her back, by getting her a cell of her own. He seems to think he doesn’t need her anymore, though, now that he has copied her little beige book.
Delivery – Hollamby has a bouquet of flowers.
Hollamby: Who do they think I am? Charlie flamin’ Dimmock?Oh! A reference I actually get! Charlie Dimmock was/is on the BBC gardening show Ground Force, and I have yet to see her wear a bra on that show. Imagine the chafing.
Yes, the flowers are for Gina, from Mark. She reads the card, then tears it up.
Vile – Fenner is flirting with Maxi Purvis. Why is she wearing a Harry Potter shirt? Maybe it’s meant to be Shazam or Kiss or something. Or just satanic, like she is. Around the corner in Vile Flirting Town, Helen is giggling at something Dr. Waugh has just said. She sees Fenner walking by with his hand on Maxi’s back and springs into action, not unlike Shazam.
Helen asks another guard to take over the prisoner escort duty (Maxi was at the back of a larger group) and waits for the officer and cons to move out of earshot.
Fenner: Something wrong, Helen? Helen: [seething] Perhaps you can explain why you feel the need to manhandle the prisoners. Fenner: [innocently, looking at the Doc] I wasn’t aware that I was. Helen: You know the rules. I will not tolerate overfamiliarity with the prisoners. Fenner: [stepping closer] And that’s an accusation, right? I was showing the girls back on the wing. If you think you saw something different – Helen: I know what I saw. Fenner: Well, let’s get a second opinion, then, shall we? Dr. Waugh, did you see anything?If only Thomas really were a deer in the headlights (and I were behind the wheel, about to mow him down).
Thomas just sort of shifts on his feet and doesn’t say anything. Helen looks like she’d like to mow him down too. First of all, Thomas, you’re an idiot. Stand by your woman, especially when she’s fighting the forces of evil! This should reveal your uselessness. On the other hand, maybe we can’t really blame him – this must be an entirely new experience for him, to see Helen so indignant, so fierce, so passionate. She’s been a good girl and a rule-following zombie since he met her, so it’s only natural that he would be completely confused.
Fenner just walks away, vindicated. The scene changes before Helen can rip Thomas’ head off.
Mealtime – Julie J. brings Virginia some food. Virginia thanks her and says there will always be a space for the “two Trudys” in her establishments. Wow, how many noms de plume (noms de pimp?) do they have? You gotta have a gimmick, I guess.
Nearby, Big Gay Al and Buki are having an arm-wrestling contest. Buki tells a tall tale about her heady arm-wrestling days, when she was asked to compete in contests worldwide. Yeah, and Big Gay Al was a celebrated dialogue coach.
Also nearby, Tina marvels about how “dead glamorous” Virginia is. Dead cadaverous, I’d say, but whatever works for you.
Maxi: Fancy her, do ya? Tina: It’s just … I always feel such a mess somehow.Maxi says that’s because Tina’s bulimic – only she “forgets to throw up after.” Gah, with family like that, who needs enemies?
Elsewhere, Shaz whines to Crystal about getting picked on so much. Right on cue, Big Gay Al shows up and takes Shaz’s tray from her, and says something I can’t decipher.
Shaz runs off as touching music plays in the background. It’s like an after school special. They’ll take her lunch money so many times, she’ll end up doing angel dust and jumping out a window.
The cold shoulder – In Helen’s office, Thomas tries to apologize for abandoning Helen earlier. She’s not interested; she ignores him and mutters about some upcoming meetings.
Thomas: [interrupting] You know I’d back you all the way if I could. I just didn’t see anything. Helen: Well, maybe I didn’t.Oh, cripes. One puppy-dog-eyed man questions her judgment and she caves? Helen. We all know Fenner is an unrepentant skeeze. Thomas should know it too.
Helen: I don’t know. Thomas: But you thought you did. Helen: God, you must think I’m some sort of madwoman.Then? No. Now? Yes.
Thomas: It just so happens they’re a speciality of mine.Shut. Up.
Thomas: I’d like to help. If you’ll let me. Helen: I had a run-in with Jim Fenner. No, it was more than that; a lot more.She goes to her filing cabinet and retrieves her report of the assault. She gives it to Thomas to read.
Helen: I wrote it all down when it happened so I wouldn’t forget.Huh? What? Sorry. Temporary cleavage-induced deafness.
Hmm, I guess Thomas is only the second person she’s told about this (Nikki being the first). It’s high time she talked to someone about it, actually, but I’d recommend someone who can actually do something about it and isn’t just as likely as I am to suffer from cleavage-induced sensory failures.
Shaz the spaz – Shaz is missing Denny so much, she just can’t stand it. She screams “Why did you have to leave me?!” at the mirror, which reminds me of Loretta in Bar Girls asking the mirror, “Who else left me?” But instead of a laughable, poorly acted monologue about family dysfunction, we get a brief, poorly acted shriekfest of cell destruction.
The wing office – Fenner tells Karen about his “altercation” with Helen.
Karen: What is it this time? Doesn’t she like your aftershave? Fenner: It’s a bit more serious than that, I’m afraid. She accused me of molesting a prisoner.He protests his innocence and even takes it further: He says the whole thing was embarrassing, and that he has “several” witnesses on his side.
Fenner: I think Dr. Waugh was more shocked than I was.Nah, that’s just because he was finally getting a glimpse of Helen’s spine.
Fenner insists on handling the Helen situation himself. He has more important matters on his mind: getting Virginia O’Kane her own cell. He doesn’t make a big deal of that either, preferring instead to plant all these ideas in Karen’s head so she can think she’s taking action on her own terms. Classic Fenner.
Helen’s office – Thomas has finished reading Helen’s account of the assault and tells Helen she can’t just “sit on” it. Remember when Fonzie used to say “Sit on it”? I have some similar advice for Dr. Waugh. Anyway, Tom, why don’t you tell Helen something she doesn’t already know?
Helen: I’m gonna get Fenner out of Larkhall and away from working with women for good.Helen tells Thomas not to underestimate Fenner; he’s slippery and manipulative. Plus, she doesn’t expect Thomas to get involved – this is her own personal crusade.
Thomas: I am involved.Great. Unfortunately, Helen thinks it really is great to have Thomas on her side. Well, fine. I’m in favor of whatever brings Fenner down. Maybe Thomas can chew loudly in Fenner’s ear until Fenner goes mad – or kills Thomas, which could also be fun.
Movin’ on up – Gee, what a surprise. Virginia will soon have a cell of her own. That means she needs to pack her things. Packing is difficult when you’re in a wheelchair, so she stands up. That’s also a surprise, right?
Standing by her man – Thomas could learn a thing or two from Karen. She’s confronting Helen about the Fenner-Maxi thing, and she has no doubts whatsoever about her man.
Karen: Jim Fenner is a bloody good officer. With only the women’s best interests at heart. Helen: Jim Fenner’s only got one set of interests at heart: his own. Karen: Maybe it’s time you got whatever you want to say off your chest. Helen: All right. I don’t think Officer Fenner should be working in a women’s prison. In fact, I don’t think he should be allowed near women at all. Any women. Karen: Does that include me? Do you really think I’m so weak, so stupid, that I’d be living with the type of man you’ve just described? Helen: You’re too close, Karen. You can’t see it.
Karen: [starting to walk out] Much as I appreciate your continued interest in my personal life, in future I’d thank you to keep your opinions to yourself. Helen: I don’t want to fall out with you. This isn’t about you. Karen: If I get so much as a hint of you harassing Jim again, we’ll make this official. And believe me, you will have one hell of a battle on your hands.OK, I’m officially over you, Betts. Can you imagine how great this show would be if women actually worked with each other instead of against each other? Karen and Helen would rule the prison – and so would Nikki and Yvonne. In fact, maybe they could make a double date of it and be the Larkhall lesbian power couples. (No, not the way I’ve paired them in that sentence. You know what I mean.)
Maintaining the ruse – Barbara and Tina help Virginia finish packing. You know, because she’s in a wheelchair. Tina tells Virginia she’s beautiful. OK, this is not the kind of female bonding I had in mind.
Her name is Luka – Hollamby, Josh and Helen are trying to figure out why Shaz tore up her cell. Josh thinks Shaz is depressed. Hollamby thinks she’s just a bad kid. “This child don’t need to have her head shrunk at all. Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease!”
Helen shoos them out so she can talk to Shaz alone. She makes a move to touch her (in a comforting way), and Shaz immediately winces. So Helen marches her right down to the infirmary, where Dr. Waugh sees her bruises and concludes that someone has been kicking the crap out of wee little Wiley.
Shaz: I always get picked on. It’s like people see something in me and they’ve just got to have a go.I know how you feel, Shaz. With me, it’s usually verbal barbs rather than punches, but it’s no fun anyway. Let’s band together and kick the crap out of Dr. Waugh instead! Thomas tells Helen he has an idea; there’s a new inmate who could be a good influence on Shaz. What? He’s the doctor, the psychologist, the cruise director … the only thing he’s not is Nikki, and that makes him dead wrong for Helen.
More people who are wrong for each other – Mark tries again to apologize to Gina. She’s not interested. In fact, she’s feeling pretty crappy about everything.
Gina: [motioning to the prison] You see this, Mark? This is my life. Coming here to this s—ty place, taking all the crap and the abuse, day in, day out. And I know it might not seem like much to some people, but I try to make the best of it, you know? Mark: I know you do. Gina: And I always thought that you and me had something … I don’t know, something different. Something special. Mark: We have. Gina: So why’d you have to go and piss all over it?Ouch.
Mark says he’ll do anything; he just wants her back. And the baby.
Gina:There isn’t gonna be a baby.Another kind of kicking – Dr. Waugh introduces Shaz to a new inmate, Dionne. She’s a kickboxer. Shaz is instantly fascinated. I don’t care about Shaz’s newfound hope; I don’t want to give Thomas credit for anything.
I kinda dig the new girl, though.
Getting a clue – Barbara, the Julies and Yvonne are chatting about Virginia. Barbara reveals that it was Fenner’s idea to get Virginia her own cell. Yvonne’s expression changes immediately – either she suspects Fenner of something shady, or one of the Julies has just farted.
Yvonne calls her hot daughter Lauren and asks her to get some info on Virginia. Lauren soon calls back and says Virginia is working with someone called John Farmer. Yvonne finds the initials very interesting.
Going to the dogs – Thomas tells Helen about his plan for Shaz. At first, Helen doesn’t like the idea of teaching the prisoners to “knock hell out of each other,” but she’s sure it will help to boost Shaz’s confidence.
Helen: I might even owe you a drink. Thomas: Sure, yeah, I’d love to. Helen: So how’re you fixed for tomorrow night? Thomas: Ah. The thing is, I’m going to the dogs. Dog races.Uh, I think you had it right the first time.
He invites her to go along. Helen snorts, but she does it in a cute, charming way that lets you know she’s probably going to say yes.
Also getting a clue – Josh is concerned about Gina. He’s noticed that she and Mark haven’t been spending much time together lately. She tells him about Mark’s tryst with Di, which of course sets Josh off. He tells her that Di is weird – no, worse than weird.
Josh: She twists things. It’s all part of some sick game she’s got going on in her head. Gina: You make it sound like she’s got bodies under the floorboards.You’re a sharp one, Gina!
Hopeless and hopeful – At breakfast or lunch or something (time, it eludes me on this show) Crystal gets some news about her court date. But she’s not even a little bit optimistic about it; she knows there’s no excuse for harboring criminals.
Nearby, Shaz and Dionne are talking about kickboxing. Big Gay Al shows up to take Shaz’s food from her, but Dionne immediately wrenches Al’s wrist and shows her what it really means to be tough. (For one thing, it helps to wear a hat.)
Al: You broke my friggin’ hand! Dionne: Don’t think so. You’d have heard it snap.Al, quite intimidated, challenges Dionne to a real fight.
Dionne: I never fight on a full stomach.Shaz doesn’t understand why Dionne didn’t just “do her,” but Dionne says sometimes the best way to win is just to walk away. The music swells into an after-school-special chord.
A message – Helen is in her office, scribbling madly in that way she does when she’s trying to show she’s working. Somebody slips something under the door.
Making amends – Gina asks Mark whether he loves her.
Mark: What do you think? Come here.Well, you could actually say it!
An alliance – A-ha, now we’re getting somewhere. It seems Yvonne slipped the paper under Miss Stewart’s office door (well, I’m sure she got a screw to do it for her). Helen finds Yvonne and waves the paper at her.
Yvonne: Find it interesting, did ya?And I do, but first I have to gape for a moment as Helen ascends the stairs. Sorry. I’m only human. It almost looks like Yvonne’s leering too, doesn’t it? Nah, that’s one pairing I’m not very interested in. But I do like the alliance!
Helen says she needs more than a personal opinion – or the word of a con – but Yvonne says she can get a list of the brothels Fenner has been collecting money from. Don’t they make great co-conspirators?
An announcement – Gina tells the other officers that she and Mark are expecting a baby – and getting married, too.
Di: Haven’t had a staff wedding for ages, have we? I’m really happy for ya. Really, really happy.Eek.
A heart-to-heart – Yvonne hears noises in Shaz’s cell and assumes she’s being beat up again. But no; Shaz is just practicing her kickboxing with Dionne. Shaz and Yvonne have a little talk afterward. Yvonne apologizes for not being willing to pummel the Peckham Gang for Shaz, but, well, she’s getting old.
Yvonne: A few years back, I wouldn’t have thought twice. But that scrap with Al … it really took it out of me. Shaz: But it weren’t your fight. Yvonne: Yeah, but I’ve never walked away. Never. Shaz: You can still take anyone in this dump. Yvonne: Can I? I dunno. I’ve been thinking that maybe I’m losing it.Shaz assures her she’s not. I concur: The word MILF was made for Yvonne.
Double eek – Barbara finds Di sobbing in the wing office. Di says it’s “man trouble” and proceeds to spin a tale of false pregnancies and calculated breakups. Barbara doesn’t believe a word Di says about Gina. Jeez, Di, you’ve been reduced to confiding in cons?
Babs, I think you should write all this down and turn it into a novel. But I’m not sure fantasy is your genre.
Dealing – Helen asks Yvonne for the list of brothels. Yvonne wants to know what’s in it for her.
Helen: I don’t do deals with prisoners, Yvonne. Come on, you should know that.Well, actually, you used to judge a deal on its merits, not by its source. But never mind.
Helen promises she can make sure Fenner gets sacked and loses his pension, and “surely that’s payback enough.” Yvonne agrees and hands over the list. You two are so going to get busted for passing notes in the hallway.
A stakeout that grosses me out – Helen and Thomas are staking out one of the brothels. Thomas says it’s going to be a long haul and Helen will need some company. She gives him a little kiss on the cheek.
Thomas: And that was for … Helen: For believing in me. And for being a good man. I was beginning to think there weren’t any left.But that’s not the point! The point is how much better the women are, especially the ones under your own roof.
Helen: And because I feel sorry for you. Thomas: Oh, you were doing so well. Helen: I feel sorry for you because I’m gonna whup your ass at the dogs tonight.Retch. They even make a bet, for post-race drinks. I think I need one now, please.
Off to the races – Helen’s pretty adorable as she cheers for the hounds. But she plays dumb girl and places her bets based on the names she likes, not unlike Alice at the horse race on The L Word. But I’ll take Alice and Tasha over Helen and Thomas any day.
Ugh. The sight of Helen playing giggly girl is just revolting. The last straw – Gina finds out – via the Julies – that Di said she’s faking her pregnancy. Gina says “riiight” in this really growly, awesome way and goes to find Officer Barker.
As she stomps toward the locker room, Mark sees her and asks where she’s going.
Gina: To punch Di’s lights out.And you know what, she actually does! Right into the middle of next week, like she threatened to do to Mark. I rewind a few times. Then Gina picks Di up and shakes her around a bit. Forget what I said about women working together; sometimes I like it when they fight. But then it all goes horribly, soap-opera-ly wrong: Mark pulls Gina off Di, and as he does, he and Gina fall to the ground and onto a bench, almost certainly endangering Gina’s fetus.
Subtle – The dog races are over. Helen, the big loser, thinks it’s time to pay for drinks, presumably at a pub. But Thomas says he’s driving and suggests they go to his place instead. Oh, gah.
Soon they’re parked on his couch with vodka and a spliff, gazing into the fire and getting to know each other. Helen, I can’t believe you’re wasting that lovely blue shirt on his eyes.
It seems Thomas was a rebellious twentysomething and did a lot of protesting and rabble-rousing.
Thomas Don’t tell me you’ve never wanted to stray, Helen. Not even once? [handing her the joint] Helen: Why should I?She tries to be a cool kid who knows all about how to smoke the chronic, but it doesn’t go very well.
Thomas: You shoulda said. Helen: See, that’s where crossing the line gets ya. [raising her glass] I think I’ll stick to what I know.Sigh. So uncool. Not the ignorance about weed – the giggly girl stuff. Stop doing that!
They talk about love and marriage; it turns out Thomas was married but she dumped him for a doctor without borders.
Thomas: Life moves on. Helen: And has it? Thomas: These last couple of months, more than I ever imagined it could. Helen, I really – Helen: [interrupting] Should we have one for the road?Yes. Road. Hitting that sounds great right about now. But Helen knocks over the vodka bottle and it all gets very awkward.
Thomas: Don’t you want to hear what I’ve got to say? Helen: Maybe a bit too much.Next thing you know, they’re making out. Thank you, camera, for moving as far away as possible. I am reminded of the song “I Spent My Last $10 on Birth Control and Beer” by Two Nice Girls. Life was so much simpler when you were sober and queer, Helen!
NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Nikki’s back! Finally.
