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“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: Episode 1.9 “Three’s a Crowd”

Cancun? Can do! – Tila is excited to be taking her top three off to Mexico for a fun-filled adventure, because it’s their last chance to “prove to me who they really are and how they feel about me now that we get to spend some really quality time together.”

Like my parents always said, Who was it that said “familiarity breeds contempt?”

As they pack their bags, Amanda asks Dani and Bobby if they are sad that Ryan’s gone. Dani is quick on the draw with her “no!” but Bobby is a little sad. He liked a having another guy around because, as you remember, Ryan was his only “real” competition. Which is why he’s the last man standing alongside two women. Ass!

He starts to mouth off about there being “more vagina than penis here” when Dani cuts him off. She wants to know why he’s so “threatened.” I’m thinking it’s because he knows that Dani is and always has been his only “real” competition.

Grandioso Hotel – The gang arrives in Cancun and is whisked away to the very fancy Melia Hotel. They’re all excited to be there, but Bobby is borderline hysterical. By his own admission, he’s never been out of the country. But it appears that he’s also never been to a hotel.

As they make their way up to their suite, Bobby can barely contain himself. Oh my God, an elevator! Oh my God, a kitchen! The luxury of it all!

Amanda sneers that Bobby is revealing himself to be less than worldly – a “two-star hotel kind of guy.” This coming from a two-dollar hooker-looking kind of girl.

Our cruise director, Tila, arrives to tell the kids that each day they’re in Cancun , they’ll have a super fun group activity, and each night one of them will enjoy a private date with her. (If Julie McCoy had rocked some tats and tossed back shots like Tila, I don’t think The Love Boat would have ever been cancelled.)

Over lunch, Tila warns tells them that she’s ready to be in love, and that she loves very passionately. Amanda nods vigorously (but then, she does this when Tila says anything), and Bobby looks a little nervous. I maintain my conviction that Tila is simply too much woman for him.

But Dani doesn’t flinch. In fact, she doesn’t even let Tila finish her proclamation. She tells Tila that she recognized her passionate nature when she took her home to meet the family. What was your first clue, Dani? Maybe when she dry-humped your granny’s leg?

This sends Tila on a praise Dani tangent. She recalls the affection that she felt from Dani’s co-workers and family, and how it made Tila feel like Dani was “surrounded by so much love.”

Amanda nods vigorously, but when we cut to a confessional interview with her, she mocks Dani’s bor-ing life as a firefighter. Amanda says that Dani “has to know what’s happening day to day,” and to me this sounds impossible unless Dani is one of those pyromaniacs who works in the fire “industry” à la “Axe” in Backdraft.

Additionally, Amanda sniffs, Dani’s goals are “nowhere near Tila’s.” I don’t know what Dani’s goals are, but then, come to think of it, I don’t know anything about Tila’s goals either. They’re both constantly surrounded by groups of guys on the job; they both can work a pole … hmm, I don’t see a problem here.

Bobby tries to find a way to get in on the fun. He talks about being a small-town guy, and it’s clear that he’s a little embarrassed about it. But Tila finds it charming! She loves his country boy ways.

Amanda is so busy creating a wind tunnel with her head-nodding that she doesn’t hear Tila say this to him. This will matter later.

Tila tells Amanda that when she visited her family, she learned that she’s not just some obnoxious, braying rocker chick. But Tila says it much more nicely than that. Bobby and Dani nod and smile tersely as Tila sings Amanda’s praises, but they are totally skeeved out.

Flipp(er)ed off – One of the many super fun activities that Tila has arranged for them all is the chance to swim with some dolphins. Tila talks about how excited she and the contestants are to do this, and how getting pushed around by the dolphins is like “an orgasm … under water!” The dolphins nod and smile tersely, but they are totally skeeved out.

Tila finds Bobby’s wide-eyed wonder at pretty much everything they do in Cancun totally endearing. As Bobby raises his arms to the sky and is propelled forward through the water by the accommodating dolphins, we hear the strains of Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All.”

The only thing funnier than this is the pairing of the lyrics “They can’t take away my dignity” with Amanda’s bikini-bottomless ride with the dolphins. Whoops! Thank God the editors aren’t on strike!

Afterward, Tila announces that she has to go back to the hotel to get ready for her date with … Amanda. What!?

Tila tells us, “Amanda has proven to me that she’s willing to do whatever it takes to get me to be her woman.” Taking the cue, Bobby and Dani begin loosening up the strings on their respective board shorts.

Amanda tells us that her strategy in Cancun is to expose her competitors. And I don’t think it has anything to do with the board shorts.

Servant and servant – Back at the suite, Amanda gussies up for her date and still finds time to taunt Bobby and Dani. Before she leaves to meet Tila, she tells them to just think of her doing unprintable things with her “girlfriend,” planting the kind of terrifying image in their heads that can only be cured with copious amounts of alcohol. Luckily, they’re covered.

Despite Tila’s assertion that this is the mother of all dates for her and Amanda, she still greets her with that asexual A-frame hug when Amanda walks into the room. Maybe they could hug less awkwardly if Amanda didn’t insist on wearing platform heels that make her a foot and a half (instead of just one foot) taller than Tila all the time. Each tells the other how beautiful she looks, and I expect them to swap fashion tips instead of fool around. I’m still not seeing the chemistry.

They try to figure out what food has been provided for dinner, and Tila suggests that Amanda take a bite of the mystery meat first, and then let her know what it is and if it’s any good. And Amanda actually does it!

As if that isn’t evidence enough, Tila then asks her if she’s “more dominant or submissive.” Amanda bats her lashes and says that she’s more submissive with Tila. Tila smiles encouragingly, but grimaces in a way that says, “Damn, I really wanted you to tie me up.”

Amanda is oblivious, telling us, “I like that Tila takes the lead … she is dominant in a relationship.”

Tila asks Amanda if she would ever go out with someone like Dani, which is her clever way of talking about the woman she’s really interested in even while on a date with the royal food taster. Amanda makes the “ew, I smell stinky cheese” face and says, “No.”

Tila asks why not, and Amanda launches into a full frontal (and B.S.-filled) assault. She tells Tila that Dani is a little too “promiscuous” for her taste. That word catches Tila’s attention, and she asks for more information. Amanda says that Dani likes to “cuddle” with a lot of people (WTF?), and that she is a little too small-time for a woman like Tila.

Then Amanda makes fun of Bobby’s Jed Clampett-esque response to the amenities at their fancy hotel. They share a laugh, but Amanda is laughing at Bobby, while Tila is laughing … well, she’s laughing at him too. But in a sweet, “Isn’t he adorable?” kind of way.

Nevertheless, Tila invites Amanda back up to her room for “dessert,” and they end up frolicking in the hot tub. And then they “role play.” Amanda thinks Tila is “really good” at it, but watching them play doctor is just so … awkward.

Tila tells her, “Make dolphin noises for Mama!” And, unfortunately, Amanda obliges.

I would rather watch Tila whip out a scalpel and perform an actual surgery on Amanda than listen to them randomly toss unsexy innuendo in each other’s general direction. And despite the bubbles and candles, I expect them to start making out with pillows and comparing bra sizes. Where are their parents?!

Geez, take a “morning after” pill! – The next day, Bobby is up to his old tricks again. He’s speaking in the third person about how watching Tila and Amanda go on their date made him so very, very jealous. His bitching and moaning continues when Amanda and Tila stroll into the dining room, hand in hand, to join him and Dani for breakfast.

In her other hand, Amanda holds her shoes and her underwear. Bobby thinks this is “foul,” but I think it’s a first. Have you ever seen anybody do an actual walk of shame on national television? Plus, who would have ever thought she’d be wearing undies in the first place?

He wants to know what happened on their date, but Amanda informs him that she’s “actually a lady, so I don’t talk about those things.” And with that answer, Lady Marmalade has just told them (and us) that the date wasn’t just about Jiffy Pop and Nora Ephron movies.

Dani is bumming too, but she’s smart enough to keep her mouth shut. Bobby can’t. He makes a series of snippy comments about the fact that their date was – gasp! – an all-nighter (Is Bobby a virgin?) and how creepy it is that their post-date ecstasy has robbed them of their appetites.

Tila has had just about enough of him. (For the record, I had enough of him about six episodes ago.)

Tila: Is this coming from a loving place, or some kind of animosity?

Bobby: A very loving place, smart ass.

Tila: Yeah? Are you being a sarcastic asshole today?

Bobby: Are you? You’re the one who’s full and doesn’t want to eat.

Tila: If I eat this, will you stop being an asshole?

Bobby: Absolutely.

 

Bobby then slathers his toast with the sarcasm that’s dripping from his mouth.

Because Tila is essentially a happy camper, they make nice and she skips off to get dressed for their next activity. She drops a hint about said activity: “I want to see who’s hanging in there.”

Bobby hopes that it’s not about heights (he’s scared of them), and he blanches at Amanda’s suggestion that it could be skydiving. But I’m still stumped as to how Tila & Co. could ever come up with a challenge worse than eating a bull penis and testicles.

Is that all you got? – And they don’t come up with anything worse than eating bull parts. Today’s challenge is merely zip-lining, an adventure for which most people pay a pretty penny.

Amanda makes fun of Bobby “whining” about zip-lining – until she starts hauling her ass up the giant ladder. Then she starts hyperventilating and croaking, “I don’t think I can do this.”

Before Amanda can even finish her sentence with “I don’t want to die,” Dani has scrambled up to the top of the ladder like a monkey the firefighter that she is. Ever good-natured, she even shouts words of encouragement down to the rest of them.

Dani is the first to take the (literal) plunge, striking a superhero pose as she glides over the treetops. And thus, an avatar is born.

Amanda gets some special coaching from the zip-line sensei, then soars through the air like a pro. Tila is impressed with her for conquering her terror. And Bobby is impressed with himself for doing the same. He tells us, “I manned up and did it, like I always do.”

How is it “manning up” when you complete an activity that two women completed right before you?

After all four of them zip-line their little hearts out, they have lunch, and Tila tells them that Bobby will be her date for the evening. And because Dani didn’t pack date clothing, Tila’s arranged for her to go shopping with an assist from Amanda. Let’s just hope that this doesn’t mean Dani has to wear what Amanda wears.

Dude looks like a lady – Bobby shoos Amanda and Dani out to the mall as he preens in front of the mirror, sculpting his hair into some sort of prickly, Hellraiser-ish pompadour for Tila’s (supposed) pleasure. I just hope he doesn’t poke her eye out.

He giggles to himself that he was a “bad boy” at breakfast, and admits that jealousy is “a bitch.”

Tila tells us that in her line of work, she gets a lot of attention, and Bobby will need to get a handle on his jealousy if he’s going to be her boyfriend.

He shows up and is all sweetness and light again for Tila. They tease each other about their breakfast spat, and she goads him to sit closer to her. Unlike Amanda, Bobby has definite chemistry with Tila. Like Amanda, Bobby also enjoys it when Tila “takes the lead.”

Tila tells Bobby yet again that she could teach him a lot about life, and reassures him that this is a good thing and not a burden for her.

While Bobby is professing his love to Tila, Amanda is at the mall trying to turn Dani into a Pussycat Doll. But not all the silver micro skirts in the world are going to have the power to de-futch Dani. Because she is a good sport, she tries on some of the fugly dresses that Amanda picks out for her.

As she stands there, arms askew, looking mortified and constrained, I can only think of the dreaded pink bunny suit scene at the end of A Christmas Story. (Like Ralphie’s Aunt Clara, Amanda, too, is laboring under the delusion that Dani is a girl.) I just want the late Darren McGavin to come down from the ethers and say to her: “You look like a pink nightmare! Are you happy wearing that? Do you want to take it off? Tell the kid to take it off. Take it off!”

But this sister is doing it for herself, and she finally starts shopping for clothes she would actually wear. She picks out a snazzy black shirt, and Amanda tries her best to relate to Dani’s frustration with her shopping style. She digs deep and comes up with: “She got really frustrated, and so did I. I know that if somebody wanted me to wear something that didn’t like, show off my tits, I’d be really mad.”

Meanwhile, Tila has moved Bobby over to the bed by their dinner table, and they roll around all over each other. Bobby moons over how “perfect” the moment is, and I yawn. Then Tila asks him if he’d like to go back to her room, and he giggles, “I thought you’d never ask.” I’d love to know what happened after that, but I’m pretty sure that Bobby is a lady and doesn’t talk about those kinds of things.

My baby’s got a secret – The next morning, Dani wakes up with a big smile on her face because she knows that she will have her own Tila time that night. But before that happens, she’ll have to endure Bobby’s smug small talk at the breakfast table after his night spent with Tila. Of course, she and Amanda hold it together a lot better than he did, and Amanda thinks this is because neither of them regards him as a threat.

Amanda is, however, threatened by Dani. Dani jokes that for the morning after their date, maybe she and Tila should plan on brunch instead of breakfast. She flashes her dimples at Tila, and Tila giggles. Brunch it is! Amanda is not amused.

Amanda: Dani’s confidence … bugs me. Overconfidence … is gonna be her downfall.

I don’t think so. And you know what bugs me? Upspeak.

Tila is like The Great and Powerful Oz, but in a tiny little combustible package. She has arranged to have the fancy hotel evacuated (via bomb threat?) so that she and her three suitors can have the big swimming pool all to themselves.

Once there, Tila drags Amanda off to the shallow end (heh) to “play a little.” This is code for “tell me more about how Dani is ‘promiscuous.'” Instead of abandoning her groundless accusations, Amanda decides to Supersize them. She tells Tila that Dani goes to strip clubs “like three times a week!”

Tila: Three times a week? Is that what she said?

Amanda: Yeah, she, like, loves it!*

Tila: That’s weird. She told you that?

*Author’s note: Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

Tila tells us: “It’s just weird, because I don’t see Dani as that type. But maybe Amanda sees something that I don’t.” Yeah, like an opportunity to defame her competition.

Plus, why would Amanda think Tila would find strip club attendance offensive? She started out as a friggin’ Maxim model! Isn’t stripping sort of like starring in a stop motion Maxim movie?

Amanda thinks that their little gossip/slam session was to her advantage.

Amanda: It is so cool that we had a chance to do a little extra one-on-one … although, we didn’t talk about us. But I did like the opportunity that I had to drag Dani down a little more.

I think she just shot herself in the (enormous and clown shoe-clad) foot.

Let’s give them something to talk about – So did Amanda do any real damage to Dani by spreading malicious gossip about her to Tila? I don’t think so. Unless you count getting Tila all hot and bothered could be considered doing damage.

Unlike her dates with Amanda and Bobby, Tila decides to skip “dinner” and head straight for “dessert” with Dani. Their date starts in Tila’s bedroom, on her rose petal-covered bed.

Tila wants to “clear the air” with Dani, and she seems to think that getting her horizontal will streamline the process. Luckily, Dani is too smart to be completely distracted by getting into the Big Bed so quickly. She looks a little worried, and seems to know that Tila has something up her sleeve. She keeps her wits about her.

Tila grills her about Amanda and Bobby, but Dani refuses to say anything horrible about either of them – even though she gets the feeling that Tila wants her to do that. She manages to sell herself as the best candidate without slinging any mud at the other two.

In order to assuage their jealousy, Amanda and Bobby get drunk and play “dress-up” back at the hotel. In a matter of minutes, Amanda has Bobby poured into a tight little cocktail dress and some clunky heels (which, I might add, she couldn’t accomplish with Dani after hours and hours of bullying).

Bobby looks surprisingly good in the dress, and it’s probably to his advantage that he didn’t play “dress-up” on the same night that he deep-throated that wine bottle. He complains that the dress makes him look like he has a “big ass,” but before you know it he’s busting out some dance moves that would make Bob Fosse proud (and his own mother cringe).

And thus, an avatar is born.

Meanwhile, Dani and Tila have dragged themselves out of bed and down to the dinner table. Dani makes a heartfelt toast to Tila about what they’ve been through together, and Tila starts to cry. Our saucy little lass is also a big squish.

Tila: I’m just so overwhelmed …

Dani: You’re perfect.

Tila: I’m so happy that you’re here right now and … that was so sweet, what you said. I feel the same way, so … yes. Cheers to what you just said! This has been a crazy, wild ride and I’ve been holding it in because, you know, I have a connection with people …

Dani: Is it more than you thought it would be?

Tila: Yes! It’s hard, but I’ve had so much fun.

Dani: I like to hear you talk like this because we don’t see this Tila … It’s been a lot more “Hey!” Jumping on guys, girls, spin the bottle, whatever. But when I look at you, and I look into your eyes, this is what I see. It’s what I like about you. It’s definitely hitting me because this has become way more serious than I thought it was gonna be. I really like you …

They embrace, and that is how you talk a girl into bed!

Black coffee in bed – The next morning, Dani and Tila roll in and have breakfast in bed with Amanda and Bobby.

Bobby is jealous, and his claws come out again. But this time he pouts instead of starting a fight, and it’s a good thing because now it’s time for them to go back to Los Angeles for eliminations.

Say goodbye to Hollywood – Tila tells us that her selection process is heartbreaking “but exciting” because she’s close to finding the person who is right for her. Of course all three contestants think they’re staying, but one of them is wrong.

And I’m happy to report that it isn’t Dani. In fact, she is the first one to be awarded a key and another “shot at love” because she got Tila to “open up to a level” that she didn’t even know she had in her.

Wouldn’t it be cool if the show came down to two women, even if one of them is Amanda?

But alas, it is not to be. Amanda is sent packing. After exchanging one final sexless and wildly disproportionate hug with Tila, she exits the crib, still proclaiming herself to be Tila’s “best option.” She works up some tears, talks about her history of cutting herself off emotionally, and I actually feel a little sorry for her.

Not so sorry that I want her to take Dani’s spot, but sorry enough to stop making mean jokes about her. Particularly since, you know, she won’t be around to supply me with material anymore.

Next time on the gripping season finale of A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila: In a horrible mix-up, Bobby wears Dani’s tuxedo and Dani wears Bobby’s dress for a photo shoot with Tila. Wardrobe!

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