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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (December 7, 2007)

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A NON-PREGNANT LESBIAN ON TV There’s good news and bad news about Cashmere Mafia, ABC’s women-in-business dramedy (also known as The Only Show on Broadcast Television With a Lesbian Character This Season).

The good news? The show is still tentatively set to debut in January, and according to my super-secret industry sources, after the first seven episodes, Caitlin (Bonnie Somerville) is still gay and looking to stay that way, and her relationship with Alicia (Lourdes Benedicto) has been fleshed out even more.

We also have a few new photos of Bonnie filming Cashmere on the streets of New York, courtesy of fan site CashmereMafia.net: I’m throwing in a 2006 photo of Lourdes, too, just to remind you what she looks like: Now the bad news … Lourdes is pregnant in real life, and without giving away too many spoilers, let’s just say that Cashmere Mafia is writing her pregnancy into the show.

Which means the “no (non-dead) lesbians on TV unless they’re pregnant or fighting for custody” rule remains in effect.

It’s comforting to know that, amidst the increased uncertainty of global warming, terrorism and Amy Winehouse concerts, you can still turn on the television set today and find virtually the same pregnant lesbian story line you saw on TV in 1994. And 1995. And 1996. And 1997. And … well, virtually every year since then. [Note to our readers who are parents: I’m not against pregnant lesbians! Just against lazy writing and never seeing anything but pregnant lesbians on TV; please read this article for a more thorough explanation.]

In all fairness, my sources tell me the Cashmere writers were not originally planning to write this into the show; Benedicto’s pregnancy kinda forced them into it. And at least the pregnancy story line doesn’t kick in for several episodes. That doesn’t make it any less annoying to watch, though.

The only prominent adult lesbian character on broadcast television in the last 15 years whose story line hasn’t partially or completely revolved around having a child is Ellen DeGeneres’s characters on her two sitcoms, and Regina Barnes (Paula Marshall) on Out of Practice (2005—06), (and even she was toying with the idea of getting pregnant shortly before the show was canceled). That’s just sad, people. Sad!

But the truth is, even saddled with this clichéd plot, Cashmere Mafia is still going to feature one of the better lesbian story lines we’ve seen on TV in a long time. Which means I’ll watch it even if Caitlin and Alicia open their own sperm bank. (Um, just kidding, Cashmere writers! Please don’t write that in.)

We’ll let you know as soon as there’s an exact air date; meanwhile check out ABC’s official Cashmere Mafia site for more info.

TREVOR PROJECT FUNDRAISER DRAWS LESBIANS IN BLACK The Trevor Project’s Cracked Xmas, the 10th annual fundraiser for the country’s only 24-hour hotline for suicidal LGBT youth, was held last weekend in Los Angeles, and some of our favorite lesbians – and lesbian favorites – were in attendance.

Jodie Foster, who previously donated a million dollars to the Trevor Project, presented an award to the founders of the organization. “Their inspired decision to establish this vital organization and their ongoing commitment to saving young lives are indeed worthy of recognition,” Foster told the press. “The very fact that, after 10 years, Trevor continues to pursue its mission so successfully is a testament not only to the founders’ initial vision, but also to the importance of the organization’s efforts to help desperate young people realize that their lives have value.”

And she looked good while saying it! Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi celebrated Ellen’s Trevor Life Award with shots of Aquafina and Christmas cookie chasers. They also stopped for a photo with those coolest of straight women, South of Nowhere‘s Gabrielle Christian and Maeve Quinlan, who were there as presenters. And Michelle Paradise showed up to lend her support, looking fully recovered from her cold. See more photos from the event on our blog, and learn more about the Trevor Project at trevorproject.org. (Photos by Faye Sadou)

IT’S THE DRAG KING. IN THE CLUB. WITH THE REVOLVER. TV alert! The murder investigation on tonight’s episode of Women’s Murder Club features a bunch of drag queens and a drag king, who is presumably a lesbian. Get the details at SpoilerFix.com (Warning: spoilers!).

Ten bucks says the lesbian did it, but I doubt anyone would bet against me – on crime shows, if the lesbian isn’t the victim, she’s almost always the one who did it.

Maybe this time will be different, though. On an episode that aired a few weeks ago, WMC did include a lesbian sports agent who was neither the criminal nor the victim. Just a bitch. But hey, that’s an improvement over a killer bitch. Watch our latest episode of She Made Me Watch This! to see the lesbian sports agent get interrogated by Angie Harmon, and hear our stunningly insightful analysis of the scene (“It was great!”), as well as other TV highlights of the week, including the Best Mid-Season Cliffhanger, the Best Hot Dead Ex, and the Best Love Triangle.

LESBIAN QUOTE OF THE WEEK Wilhelmina Slater: That’s why you’re so beloved. You’re so loyal to your fans. Betty White: I do! I do adore them. [pauses] Except for the psycho ones who send me lesbian erotica fan fiction about me and Bea Arthur.

Betty White guest-starring on Ugly Betty (“Bananas for Betty”). Thanks to AE reader BU Babe for the tip!

“LESBIAN” LIFE This week on Life (NBC), Sarah Shahi’s character, Dani, was unexpectedly kissed by another woman at a party she stumbled into with her partner (Damian Lewis) during an investigation. Naturally, we have a clip for you: It’s no seduction of Shane in the kitchen, but hey, we’ll take it!

Shahi recently told the New York Daily News that while her role on The L Word “gave me the luxury of being a bit pickier with my roles,” it also ended up hurting her ability to get other roles, because “I was pigeonholed for a while … it was my first big serious role, it definitely put impressions in people’s minds.”

I know some AE readers were put off by her comments, but I don’t think she was putting down the show or the role, just speaking an uncomfortable truth. Landing a high-profile role when you’re an unknown is always a double-edged sword – it makes you more visible, but it can also come to define you.

The positive side of playing a prominent (non-serial killer) lesbian role? You have a guaranteed fan base for life. Gabrielle Christian may grow up to become the next Meryl Streep, but to AfterEllen.com readers, she’ll always be one-half of Spashley.

NEW YORK POST TAKES A SHOT AT TILA, TILA SHOOTS BACK This week, reality TV star Tila Tequila angrily refuted a recent gossip item in the New York Post cleverly titled “Tila Called Closet Straight!” that claims she’s secretly heterosexual and just pretending to be bi for the fame and glory.

You can read Tila’s blog post about it in full, but here’s the relevant excerpt:

I find it absolutely absurd that they would even make such an ignorant statement such as “She’s made out with some girls in her past, as all girls have, but she is not bi at all.” That is such an absurd stereotype to place on all women and it just shows people how ignorant people can be! … People can say whatever they want about me. My whole life I have been judged so that’s nothing new to me so I don’t feel the need to justify my sexuality to anyone! One minute, back in the day when I was still modeling, people talked sh*t about me for being “lesbian” for shooting sexy pictures with other females and now I’m too “straight” come on! Who’s really the confused one here? Definitely not me!
I’ll admit, I’ve wondered from the beginning if Tila is faking it for the cameras, partly because when she talks about gay rights issues, she uses the word “you,” as in “you [gay people] deserve the same rights we [straight people] have. But I’ve reserved judgment because, really, nobody but Tila knows the truth.

Whether the Post gossip item is true or not, it annoyingly assumes that having a boyfriend is somehow proof that a woman isn’t bisexual, which reinforces the inaccurate belief that women are no longer bisexual when they’re dating men.

But here’s what I love about this whole thing: When was the last time you remember seeing someone indignantly denounce a tabloid story claiming they’re straight? That has to be some kind of progress, right?

SCISSOR SISTERS SHOUT-OUT The Scissor Sisters have a new DVD out, Hurrah: A Year of Ta-Dah, and their songwriter and bassist recorded this greeting to AfterEllen.com readers: Thanks, Baby … er, Daddy. Right back at ya!

AND THEN CAME PHOTOS We’ve got exclusive new photos for you from And Then Came Lola, courtesy of Fast Girl Films (photos by Sophia Wallace):

And just for fun, here’s a photo of Ashleigh, Cathy and Jill that isn’t from the movie, but from a photo shoot they did together:

Funny, but my photo shoots never end up looking like that!

In related news, Cathy will be doing a weekly “Ask Cathy” video blog on AfterEllen.com starting in January. (In addition to being an actor, Cathy has a master’s degree in clinical psychology.) She’ll answer your questions and give advice on issues related to relationships of all kinds, and various aspects of the human experience. Kinda like a “Dear Abby” vlog, but funnier. And gayer. And hotter.

Also coming to AfterEllen.com in January: weekly Kate Clinton video rants and lots more Celesbian interviews!

SAFFRON BURROWS: GUITAR PLAYER, BANK ROBBER … SAILOR? The indie film The Guitar, in which openly bisexual actress Saffron Burrows plays a woman who is “transformed after she is diagnosed with a terminal disease, fired from her job and abandoned by her boyfriend,” will have its world premiere at the 2008 Sundance Film Festival in January.

In the movie, Burrows’ character gets romantically involved with another woman as she “throws caution to the wind to pursue her dreams.” Ah yes, caution-throwing – the beginning of many a coming-out story. Well, that and the over-imbibing of spirits. Usually a combination of both.

Also opening in the United States next year is The Bank Job, based on the true life story of a London-based heist in which the robbers (one of whom is played by Burrows) got away with millions.

Here’s Saffron is at the Lambda Legal Liberty Awards in West Hollywood, Calif., in October: Saffron also graces the cover of this month’s Vegas magazine, telling them, “I’m naturally quite a cautious person, and then I have a hidden adventurer inside of me, often very reluctant to embark, longing for home and security, and then making these forays into the world, and when I come home I feel triumphant, like a sailor.”

I like the idea of Saffron as a sailor, and I’ll willing to give The Guitar and The Bank Job a chance, but you couldn’t pay me enough to watch her hook up with James Spader on Boston Legal again. My eyes still haven’t recovered from the burning.

BRIDGET MCMANUS: NOT YOUR BABY’S ROLLERSKATE TEACHER This week, out comedian Bridget McManus kindly filled in for Jill on this week’s episode of our video blog We’re Getting Nowhere, and I thought I’d include a little more info about her here so you know she’s more than just a pretty funny face. OK, that came out wrong. What I mean is, she’s obviously funny and pretty, but she’s also wicked smart, as my freshman college roommate used to say.

Bridget has a blog called Comedy Double Standards she launched specifically to address the crap that women (and lesbians) have to put with in the world of stand-up comedy. Although she doesn’t update the blog frequently, when she does it’s a hilarious mix of social commentary and personal expression. She rants about how a recent show she did was deemed “too gay” because three of the 10 comics were openly gay (“If there were 3 black comics and 7 white comics, do you think the white comics would dare comment on the black comics presence?”), and waxes on about the pre-teen empress in The Neverending Story (“I rented the film last weekend and realized how HORRIBLY BAD and brilliant it is at the same time. I just wanted to give a shout out to the Empress. Where is she now and if she’s single I’d like to hit that s—!”).

For a taste of Bridget uncensored, check out this very not-safe-for-work video of her stand-up routine in Pasadena, Calif., earlier this year: Roofies are the new drug for couples with mismatched sex drives? So wrong it’s right.

Read Dara’s very funny September Q&A with Bridget and visit her MySpace page for more stand-up clips and info about where to catch her act.

OR WHAT ABOUT A GAME CALLED “COMPUTER SEARCH,” WHERE YOU SMACK ANYONE WHO USES THE TERM “COMPUTER SEARCH”? We recently mentioned the annual “I Heart Brooklyn” calendar, which features women who love women who live in Brooklyn, and since the end of the year is fast approaching, I thought I’d mention a few other calendars that may be of interest.

First, the Lambda Literary calendar, which includes notable LGBT writers such as Ann Bannon, Betty Berzon, Leslie Feinberg, Barbara Gittings and Audre Lorde.

Then there’s this I Love Ldn Girls calendar, which features – you guessed it – lesbians from London: Then there’s the 2008 L Word calendar, which includes cast photos from last season.

While looking up this calendar, I stumbled across an upcoming L Word board game, the object of which is to “Battle it out with your friends for the ownership of The Planet.” If you land on the “Jenny” square, do you have to kill the dog of the person sitting to your left?

The idea of an L Word game is novel, but it seems like they could have come up with a more interesting objective. How about “Battle it out with your friends to see who can get Shane to commit!” Or a version of the classic board game “Sorry!” in which you have to go back three spaces every time you draw a card that says “Heterosexual Sex Scene” or “You Killed Dana.” Or even a Karaoke-type game where you “Compete with screeching monkeys to see who can come up with a better theme song than the current one!” Nah, that last one would be too easy.

For more ideas of gifts that your loved ones won’t secretly re-gift, check out our holiday recommendations in the Logo shop and our amusing holiday gift guide. The Hillary nutcracker seems to be a popular item, so get it while supplies last!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! The 50th Annual Grammy nominations were announced last night, and the nominees include Meshell Ndegeocello’s song “Fantasy” for Best Urban/Alternative Performance, Joan Armatrading‘s Into the Blues for Best Contemporary Blues Album, and Sweet Honey in the Rock‘s Experience … 101 for Best Musical Album for Children.

This week’s lesbian-related DVD releases include the TV movie Battlestar Galactica: Razor and the fourth season of The Wire. The fifth and final season of The Wire starts Jan. 6 on HBO.

Out fiction writer, essayist and screenwriter Kelley Eskridge was interviewed by Public Radio International’s To The Best of Our Knowledge this week about her latest story collection, Dangerous Space; listen to it here.

OurChart.com will be streaming the first episode of the new season of The L Word (only for Americans, most likely) a week before it debuts on Showtime on Jan. 6.

Spin magazine has an interesting new Q&A with Beth Ditto.

Nina’s Heavenly Delights is opening at the Landmark Theater in San Francisco this weekend. In a new interview with the San Francisco Chronicle, director Pratibha Parmar talks about how the film was loosely based on how she met her own partner.

Michelle Paradise ran into some technical difficulties this week with her Exes & Ohs vlog, but she’s definitely still doing a seventh and final vlog episode; look for it on the site early next week.

Last but not least – our site search finally works again, and better than ever (most of the time). It’s a Christmas miracle! Now if only Santa would bring me that non-pregnant lesbian on broadcast TV …

That’s it for this week! Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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