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“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: Episode 1.8 “Welcome to the Family”

On the road again – It’s the morning after Domenico’s departure, and the Fantastic Four contestants who still have a shot at Tila’s love are packing their bags. Their reward for surviving the catfights, the butt-waxing and the testicle-eating? They get to take Tila home to meet the family.

If your mother, like mine, is a devoted viewer of this show, she’s probably relieved that you aren’t a contestant right about now. Think of the extensive house cleaning she would have to do in preparation for being on national television! She would never forgive you.

Bobby and Ryan speculate about what it will be like when Tila meets their families, and Bobby tells us that Ryan is his only “real” competition (you know, because he’s a guy), and he fears he may be at a disadvantage because Ryan comes from money. I like it when Bobby feels insecure. It makes me laugh.

In the bathroom, Amanda is in the middle of the 18-step process of drying and styling her giant blond mane, and Dani appears to be arranging her eyebrows. Amanda wonders what Tila will think of her large family of special-needs siblings, while Dani predicts her own family will meet Tila, “crack open a beer” and say “cheers!” I think Dani may be my cousin.

Tila is digging the idea of being the redheaded stepchild queer Maxim model at a family reunion.

Tila: These families will not have a clue what hit them ’cause these guys have not brought a girl like me home before. I can guarantee that! They’re going to find out that I’m a bisexual, and if they don’t like it, peace out!

What an interesting turn of events! Having bigoted family members will get you eliminated. Which means that this time, the lesbians have the advantage. That’s cool, but for the first time in weeks, I miss Ashley. I would love to have met his family.

Little pink houses – The first stop on Tila’s Scare the Parents Tour is Worcester, N.Y., where Bobby’s parents reside. Bobby takes her out for a hot date at the Cobleskill Bowling Center, where he shows off his bowling prowess and charms Tila with his witty repartee. (E.g., “I want you to use a blue ball because I’ve had blue balls the whole time I’ve been at the house.” No, I’m not kidding. He really said that. Ugh.)

Tila can sing, Tila can writhe, Tila can host her own reality show. Like Madonna, J. Lo, and Tyra, Tila can do just about anything. But she can’t bowl. She nearly sends herself tumbling headlong down the alley with her bowling ball, which weighs about 5 pounds more than she does. Still, it doesn’t stop her and Bobby from “looking for friction” for the better part of the afternoon.

Bobby is nervous that meeting his family will change the more worldly and free-spirited Tila’s feelings about him. And it doesn’t help that as they drive to his family home, Tila exclaims, “Wow, we’re really in the boonies!” (Somewhere in a sound editing booth in Hollywood, a person has just successfully resisted the urge to cue up the theme from Deliverance.)

It’s kind of cute when Tila enters the kitchen and sees his entire family curiously staring back at her. She smiles, waves and giggles. Bobby’s father, brother and stepfather grin nervously. A daughter/sister-in-law like Tila is the stuff of art house cinema, and we all know how that usually ends.

Bobby boasts that he is one of only four contestants left: “Two guys and, uh, two girls.” All of his family members register shock at this disclosure.

Tila helpfully tells them she’s “a bisexual,” (as if they thought maybe the “two girls” on the show were used merely as diversionary tactics). The silence and blank stares persist, so she adds, “I’m just trying to figure out if I want to be with just men or women, and, um, that’s why we’re here …”

Bobby’s mother, Donna, finally breaks the silence with, “You know, Mom’s down-to-earth, Mom’s cool, but this is my boy.” Well, at least now we know where he learned to speak about himself in the third person!

Later, Donna tells us that she was “shocked, very shocked” to learn that her son was competing for a bisexual girl. When Tila asks her if she thinks Bobby could fall for a girl like her, Donna tersely tells her that if she could “simmer down a little and he wasn’t afraid that you’d be straying,” Tila might be able to hook him. Bobby looks down at his plate and shovels some food into his mouth.

It’s an awkward moment, and the ever good-natured Tila tries to lighten the mood by smearing some food on her breast and encouraging Bobby’s little brother to “wipe it off” for her. Donna’s eyes officially bug out of her head. She sternly tells Tila, “I’m not impressed,” and then exits the room.

Bobby’s father and stepfather, however, appear to be extremely impressed. It must be Tila’s playful joie de vivre!

Bobby’s really sweating it now because “Mom’s had a couple of drinks,” and she’s already unleashed her maternal fury on his million-dollar baby. But Tila sympathizes and skips off to make nice with her.

And it works! Tila is so charming and irresistible that by the end of their heart-to-heart, Donna is all smiles and declares that if they were the same age they would be “standing at the bar together.”

I would add that Donna would also probably be scowling at Tila and mouthing the word “slut” at her as every guy in the place panted in Tila’s general direction. But we’ll never know, will we?

Donna later tells us: “I think they would make a good pair. I would be proud to call her my daughter-in-law.”

At the end of the evening, Tila hugs everyone goodbye and even calls Donna “Mom.” Nonetheless, “Mom” is still suspicious, Tila is still a little uncomfortable around her, and Bobby is still nervous and beet red. Bobby and Tila hug out their farewells with only some slight, chaste kissing. Has King Bobby finally slipped from grace?

Beach blanket bimbo – The next stop is at Pacific City, Ore., where Tila is reunited with Amanda and her breasts. They (Amanda and Tila, not Amanda’s breasts) greet each other with a very straight girl-looking A-frame hug, and once again I’m wondering how Amanda is still in the game. They have no chemistry.

Tila and Amanda fly (rainbow) kites, then loll about on the beach discussing their shared self-destructive tendencies. It’s your basic, no-frills lesbian date. Afterward, they make out, and they still don’t look like they’re that hot for each other.

Mercifully, they are soon joined by Amanda’s very nice, very interesting parents for a beach picnic. Amanda’s dad, Pat, admits with a smile that he didn’t think Tila would “look like that” (which I think is code for “Damn, my daughter gets hotter chicks than I ever did!”), and her stepmom, Pearl, says she thinks that Tila is “sweet and feisty.”

They pass around the grub, which includes some “virgin water.” Tila pipes up and says, “Well, I’m definitely not a virgin!” But unlike Bobby’s mom, Amanda’s mother just laughs and passes her a sandwich.

What? No prudish outrage? Amanda’s dad ribs Tila that she just gave him “too much information,” but he says it playfully and then moves on. “So,” he asks, “what have you guys been up to?”

Very interesting. OK, so they passed her sex test. Tila sees that she can be inappropriate at the dinner table without getting her paw smacked, which means that this family has potential! So she tests them again by “dropping the bi bomb.”

They gaze at her warmly, as if to say, “And?” Tila asks them if her bisexuality shocks them. “Shocks us?” Amanda’s dad asks, and then he and his wife laugh their collective ass off. They pass Tila’s second test. Tila is free to be a bisexual here in Oregon. Yippee!

Later, when Tila is having a conversation with Amanda’s stepmom about the importance of laughter in a relationship, Amanda’s dad is across the way giving his daughter some fatherly reassurance. He likes the fact that she and “perky” Tila are so sweet to each other, and he supports his daughter taking a shot at love.

Then, out of the blue, he tells us, “My daughter being gay and bringing home a girlfriend is controversial now, but one day it will be the same as a woman bringing home a man.”

Gads! When is the last time you saw a public service announcement on reality television? (And no, skinny girls writing and massacring performing their own PSA copy as part of an America’s Next Top Model challenge does not count!)

Tila then meets Amanda’s many siblings, for whom she has wisely brought cookies. A little bribe never hurt anyone! The siblings, of course, love her, and Amanda is so happy that Tila “rocked it” with her family.

Amanda’s dad says of Tila, “She fit right in here, just like a glove.” The love fest continues when Tila tells us that she feels seen and respected as her own person in their home. She shares a nice kiss with Amanda before she leaves – the type of kiss she did not have with Bobby. Heh.

Mercedes Boy – Tila hauls her ass back across the country to Trenton, N.J., to meet Ryan’s family. He rolls up in a shiny black Benz and whisks her away, making a quick pit stop at a restaurant to show her off to his two best friends. Something tells me they will be very supportive of this union.

Tila enters the room on Ryan’s arm, all dolled up in a skimpy red halter top and microscopic denim loincloth, and the guys leap to their feet to greet her. But Ryan has neglected to tell them that she’s bisexual, and when he does, they are shocked.

“Really?” one asks with a leer. The other one, Keith, adds, “That’s wild.” The other friend licks his chops ands says, “Really?” again. Eww.

It’s not a good sign when they immediately begin discussing how Ryan’s dad will react to this information.

Tila: So your dad’s very traditional?

Ryan: My dad’s like a hardworking man. He –

Wolfish friend: He’s like a sergeant. No, a general.

But I think that if he had a better vocabulary (and wasn’t afraid that he might pay for it later), he would instead say that Ryan’s dad is a “dictator” or perhaps an “autocratic ruler.”

Well, whatever the nature of his oppressive personality may be, the friends tell Tila that she should “be prepared” because whatever Ryan’s dad says “goes.”

Tila smiles nervously, but she looks uncharacteristically scared and like she might barf. Ryan continues to sputter on about how great his dad is, but with an undertone of fear in his voice. And now everyone‘s father issues are displayed on the table like second-hand merchandise at a swap meet!

They say goodbye, and Ryan’s wolfish friend envelops Tila in his arms. He gazes at her and says, “I hope you pick him.” The second, unspoken part of that sentence is, “So that when I get drunk at your wedding reception I can feel you up.”

As they roll up to Ryan’s family estate, Tila is already intimidated by the display of wealth. She tells us, wide-eyed, “It’s a bit much for me.” For once, Ryan’s silver spoon may just work against him.

They walk into the house and are greeted by the whole family. But the only one that Tila sees is Ryan’s blond, unnaturally tan sister, Lauren. Tila giggles and tells us that her reaction was: “Wow. Who is that? She is hot. My gosh, like, more so than Ryan!”

But the feeling is not entirely mutual. Later, his sister tells us, “My family was definitely shocked when Tila came in because she’s very cute, and she’s … exotic in many different ways.” Then silence. A horrible, awkward silence as Lauren stares into the camera. Cue the sound of a record needle ripping across an album.

Outside, the family gathers by the pool, and Tila tells them a little about the show.

Tila: We have a girls’ and a guys’ competition, and the guys lose every time!

Ryan: You might wonder why there’s a girls’ competition. Do you understand what’s going on?

Mom and Dad: No.

Ryan: She’s bisexual.

Cue record ripping sound again. They stare at Ryan and Tila in silent horror, then nod a little and mouth the word “oh” as they try to turn their grimaces into polite smiles.

Bratty sister Lauren is the first to recover, with an audible, “Oh, really?” We later learn that at that moment, Ryan’s mom wanted to “throw up.” Yep, they’re good people!

Tila tries to soften the blow by telling them that “everyone” was shocked to learn of her bisexuality at the beginning of the show. She calmly tells them: “I’m bisexual, and I’m looking for love. I just love people. I don’t judge people by their color or who they are or what they do.” (Did she steal this bit from Domenico?)

And as she says all of this, Lauren can barely suppress an evil smirk. Watching your brother do something that you know is going to get his ass whipped later is a special, sisterly joy that crosses all economic and cultural lines.

Ryan’s dad later tells us that his “family values are very, very strong” – whatever that means – and knowing that Tila goes “both ways” disturbs him. He adds: “Her values are different from my values. For him to bring something like this home is not right.” And, yes, by “this” he means Tila. Not “her,” just “this.”

Make a note. I did.

Over dinner, Tila tries to win some points by flirting with Dad, announcing that he’s handsome and that he could turn her straight. Which might actually be funny if dear old Dad wasn’t a big homophobe who thinks she should be straight.

Tila asks the sisters if they’ve had any bisexual friends, and they laugh hysterically. Tila asks Lauren if she has a girlfriend, and Lauren says firmly, “I have a boyfriend.” Tila replies, “That’s too bad.”

Later, Lauren reiterates (with a quivering voice): “I’m straight. I would never be a bisexual. I have a boyfriend.” Gulp.

Dinner is served. And by “served” I mean by an actual “server.” Tila, in a clear effort to play nice with the conservative folks, suggests that they say grace before eating. The blank looks she receives make it clear that prayer before meals isn’t a requirement there. Maybe they aren’t those kinds of Republicans.

But they humor her and fold their hands and bow their heads as Tila launches into a prayer of gratitude for “Ryan’s super-hot body, which makes me melt like cheddar cheese on my meat. And thank God for Ryan’s super-hot family … I think his sister is maybe bisexual in a few years. And thank you for the food. Amen!”

Over dinner, Tila regales them with anecdotes from the show. She tells them that when she jumped into the swimming pool of pudding, Ryan pulled off her shirt. But Tila has messed up with them again because, as his mom later tells us, “We don’t usually talk about nipples at the dinner table.” (Note to self: Never eat dinner at Ryan’s house.)

Ryan’s dad manages to steer the conversation away from fun and nudity and back to money and responsibility. Tila makes it clear that she comes from a humble background, and after grilling her about it he grudgingly gives her credit for making something of herself. This guy is a massive tool.

Ryan rescues Tila (and all of us, really) from this family horror by suddenly taking her away from the dinner table for a “tour of the house” – which is really just a tour of his bedroom. Tila is worried that this might be rude, but Ryan grunts, “not in this house,” as he throws her down on the bed and mounts her. Dani would be appalled, but Tila tells us that she found his act of rebellion “hot.”

Later, as they say their farewells, Tila tells us that she thinks the visit went well because his family laughed at everything she said, and she got the vibe that they were “very open to being accepting of who I am.” Meanwhile, Ryan’s mom is probably already on the phone trying to find an industrial cleaner to come give her house a Silkwood shower.

Save the best for last – As if to finally reward her lesbian viewers for sitting through the excruciating Bobby and Ryan vignettes, Tila jets off to Deerfield, Fla., to meet Dani at her firehouse. Dani runs out to greet Tila, and they kiss and hug in a non-A-frame kind of way. Dani’s excited to show Tila off to her firefighter pals who, naturally, immediately love Tila.

But first things first. Where, Tila wants to know, is the pole?! The guys gladly lead her to it and take turns sliding down, just like you would want to do if you ever got to tour a firehouse.

Then Tila gives a demonstration of proper pole technique, and she doesn’t bust her head doing it like Vanessa did back at the crib a few weeks ago.

They watch with admiration as she spins, twirls and slides, and I suspect that they will think of her every time they slide down the pole from this moment forward. I also suspect that Dani will have a pole installed in their home if she and Tila ever settle down together. Wouldn’t you?

They invite Tila to stay for dinner, where they sit around the table together and grill her just like blood relatives would. Well, not Ryan’s blood relatives, but more like the nice kind who wouldn’t think you or your girlfriend’s queerness would be contagious (or a criminal offense).

But the best part is that all of the guys take the opportunity to brag on Dani. They love Dani even more than you randy lesbians do, and they tell Tila that she should feel honored that Dani wants to be with her.

Tila is surprised, but not at all offended. You can see the little (red) light bulb go on over her head. Yeah, she appears to be thinking: Maybe I should feel honored.

After dinner, Tila and Dani head out to meet her biological family, aka The Women. Dani’s mother, grandma, aunt and two cousins are there to greet them, but only Dani’s (male) cousin recognizes Tila from the internets.

In introducing Tila to her family, Dani realizes that she forgot one small detail. She neglected to come out to her grandmother, Pat. So she does it as sort of an addendum to the introduction.

It’s clear that Dani’s charm is inherited (or, as they say where I’m from, “she gets it honest”), because her beautiful grandmother simply replies sweetly, “Honey, Grandma knew.” She later tells us with a smirk, “I had suspicions – I wasn’t born yesterday!”

Tila does her standard coming out as bi thing, then asks if any of them have ever felt bisexual. Grandma tells us, “I’ve always been feeling toward the male sex, and never toward the female sex.” Which, I’m thinking, is a “no.”

But it’s clearly not an “eww, gross” no, because when Tila offers her a lap dance, Granny is happy to receive it. In fact, she catcalls Tila, swigging some wine and saying: “Come over here and bounce on me! Put that little butt on this knee!” Tila does just that, and Granny looks like a pretty little pimp, shaking her cane as Tila grinds her.

Dayum, Grandma!

If Granny had been holding her coin purse, I think Tila might have even walked away with some dollars!

Luckily, someone keeps their wits about them and asks the right questions instead of ordering a private dance. Like her firefighting pals, Dani’s mom, Karla, wants to know what Tila has to offer to Dani. And she also wants to know that Tila is sincere (and not using Dani to get more MySpace friends or something) because “Dani only deserves the best.”

Mom gets weepy, and she and Tila take a little walk together and have a heart-to-heart. When they return, Tila tells us, “This is what a real family feels like.”

Granny is just as cool as her daughter. She tells us that she “doesn’t judge and doesn’t want to be judged.” So I guess I should stop calling her a pimp.

By the end of the evening, everyone is weeping and talking about how much they love Dani and just want her to be happy. Tila is clearly moved by the display of genuine love and affection.

Tila and Dani exchange “goodbyes” and loving kisses, but Dani doesn’t jump her like Ryan did, which could hurt Dani at eliminations. But I still think she’ll be safe because Grandma Pat took care of that for her.

We are not family – Back at the crib, the whole gang reconvenes and swaps stories about their experiences with Tila and their families. Each one of them thinks their home visit sealed the deal for them with Tila.

Yes, even Bobby and Ryan, whose mothers probably still have that “I smell something stinky” look on their faces. In fact, Bobby thinks Dani and Amanda are “overconfident” about the whole thing. I can’t wait for him to see the footage and compare his mother’s reaction to that of Amanda and Dani’s families. Jerk.

At eliminations, Bobby is, inexplicably, the first to get a key. Huh? Tila says that she wants to “teach him so many things about life.”

Dani gets the second key, and Tila tells her: “When I met your family, for the first time in my life I felt like I had a real family. And that meant a lot to me.” So suck on that, Bobby! (Tila also tells us that Dani has caused her to change her mind about being attracted to “that type” of girl. Futch power!)

It comes down to Ryan and Amanda. Ryan says that Amanda is fake, and he lists all of her fake, um, assets. Though he’s right about all of Amanda’s bionic parts, I think a much better example of “fake” is the smile plastered on his mother’s face all night when Tila visited their home.

Despite his assessment, Amanda gets the final key and Ryan is sent packing. He is shocked and insulted, feeling “slapped in the face.” His conservative family blew it for him, and it is a real pleasure to see the consequences of their “family values.”

After Ryan departs, Tila tells the final three to pack their bags because they’re all going to Cancun!

Next time on A Shot at Love – Amanda fans the hopes and desires of lesbians everywhere when she accuses Dani of being promiscuous.

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