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“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: Episode 1.6 “The Cat Fight”

You’ve had worse things in your mouth – Vanessa marches down the stairs wearing a fake big smile, as if she were a normal person. What’s the good word from Tila today? “I’m an exotic girl. It’s time to prove you have exotic tastes. Are you ready to step up to the plate?” I’m hoping thinking this has something to do with edible underwear.

As the gang marches out to the back yard for their next Tiladventure, Steven mutters, “It’s gotta be better than the pie – oh dear God, what is that?”

Cut to two large banquet tables, atop which are perched skinless cow’s heads complete with glassy, gray eyeballs and enormous fake-looking tongues lolling from the mouths. Did Rob Zombie direct this episode? Amanda jumps around screaming in her silver lamé bikini, as does Domenico (mercifully, sans bikini – the dead cow head is scary enough!). Dani appears amused by it all, taunting – not verbally, just pointing and laughing – the container full of vermin.

Dani: There was a jar full of maggots and friggin’ cockroaches. The big cockroaches – the come-by-and-steal-your-wallet cockroaches.
Tila is loving it. She tells, “I know they were freaking out and stuff, but I had to put it all in perspective.” Cut to Tila making her little speech to her Pepto-Bismol-hungry masses.
Tila: So for my career, my lifestyle, I have to travel the globe all the time, all over the world, and I can’t always have the foods that I want. And I want to make sure that you guys can handle life on the road with me. Under your platter, you’re going to find a bull’s penis and some testicles.
Some testicles? Whose testicles? That statement, Tila, is far, far too vague.

It’s men against women again, and the one from each group who eats the fastest will proceed to the “next round,” with the final prize being a private “champagne bubble bath” Dita Von Teese-style with Tila. And, Tila assures us, she’s “ready to get down and dirty.”

Tila tells them that they’re going to have to “really man it up this time, literally,” and Ryan confesses, “I really didn’t plan on eating a bull’s penis and testicles.” Liar.

Oh, boo hoo. The girls have it worse, as far as I’m concerned. They’re lesbians! Brandi cuts up her bull parts in an attempt to make them more sausage-like, and Vanessa complains about the manure and formaldehyde bouquet emanating from her plate. But the one I feel really bad for is Dani, the gold-star lesbian. She says just what I am thinking: “So this the first time I’ve ever had c— in my mouth, and it’s the last time I want to choke on it.” Vanessa concurs: “There are some things that I can’t do, like get a penis and balls down my throat. Not even for Tila.” Funny, that wasn’t the impression I was getting last week when she was trying to seduce Bobby, but maybe she was just “acting” then. Or something.

While everyone barfs and gags and cries and complains, Bobby calmly chows downs and dabs at his mouth with a napkin like a little old lady enjoying a (non-sex organ-filled) Sunday brunch. Tila cheers helpfully, “Deep throat that penis for me, Bobby!” Amanda, overcoming her 15-year abstinence from red meat, finishes her “meal” first and is the winner among the women. She and Bobby move on to the next round, and the “losers” don’t look even a little jealous of them.

The special dish Tila has prepared for them includes eyeballs (“because you only have eyes for me”), a heart (“because this is about love”) and a shot of blood (“to help you get it all down”).

They yank the covers from their platters and Bobby digs in, licking his fingers, chomping eyeballs, breaking momentarily to ask, “Are we going to be serving this at our wedding?”

But next to him, Amanda is slipping into a catatonic state. Dani is trying to get her to pretend that they’re at a bar and toss back the shot of blood like tequila. But it’s not working. Amanda forfeits, and it hurts because “I compromised my ethical, like, stance. You know what I mean? [snorts] Besides that, I probably ate like 5,000 calories of fat!” Bobby’s not counting calories. He gloats and then starts speaking about himself in the third person: “Bobby is getting a champagne bubble bath … and I deserve it.”

No. For that you deserve a champagne bath with Tila and Dita in Paris, while several cases of champagne are lovingly poured down your throat by Audrey Tatou, Juliette Binoche, Eva Green, Catherine Deneuve and Isabelle Adjani as they dance around you like nymphs. Naked.

I think we need to make a little paste – That night, the losers crowd into the kitchen to show off their culinary skills by making desserts for Tila.

(This challenge was recently issued by New York to her hapless suitors on I Love New York, but she made them use a cup of ranch dressing in everything, regardless of the recipe. And that was disgusting. Not as gross as eating cow weenies, but still pretty nasty. I have been watching way too much reality TV.)

Dani starts a flour fight with her little buddy, Domenico. She was probably thinking it would look like this: But the melee that ensued ended up looking more like this: Why? Because these drama queens (and yes, I’m including the guys) turn the smallest interaction into a family intervention scenario that would make Dr. Phil pee himself with glee.

Yes, it’s all fun and games until Steven starts rubbing himself on a lesbian. Again. Or pulling a butter knife on a lesbian, for that matter. He says that he was just going to wipe some whipped cream off the knife and onto Brandi’s face, but she freaks out and throws things at him.

If it were anyone but Steven, I’d believe him. But I’m not buying his little Matthew McConaughey act. This dude is Damien. In addition to being chronically arrogant, he’s also a little scary. He says he’s not going to play around anymore with “a dramatic lesbian who likes to fight while she’s on her period.”

Vanessa is loving it. She sneers at Brandi, “And I’m the angry bitch?” Brandi makes a snappy comment about Vanessa’s drinking habits, and Vanessa retorts: “I drink vodka, you act like a slut. That’s fine.” Really? Now we have lesbians throwing the old “slut” acorn at each other too? Now I need a drink!

Vanessa brags about how well she’s “controlling herself,” and the editing gods treat us to a rapid fire montage of all of her past violent outbursts. She tells Brandi that when she and Tila are together, they will both kick Brandi’s ass.

I’m thinking that neither of these things will happen. Vanessa is the male Ashley, and, just like him, she is guaranteed to go down in flames. And possibly leave the crib in a straitjacket.

Bottoms up Bobby hauls his ass downstairs for his champagne “bath” with Tila, and promptly slips and falls in the glass as he’s climbing in. I laugh at his expense. (I’m still pissed about his comments to Ashli last week.) Apparently getting “down and dirty” to Tila means complaining about how lonely it is to live the rock star lifestyle. Bobby melts. He tells her wants to take care of her. Tila melts. He whispers to her that he loves her. Tila thinks of the “other people” (i.e., Dani) whom she’s starting to fall for, but she kisses him anyway.

And though she does wrap herself around him like a koala bear, it’s still pretty tame considering what the guy shoved down his throat for her. 32 flavors and then some – After her bath with Bobby, Tila skips (literally, and it’s very cute) out to the back yard where the losers have assembled along with the desserts that were miraculously completed despite the domestic spat that went down in the kitchen.

Tila is impressed with Amanda’s tasty chocolate cheesecake, though I think Amanda would have been completely justified if she’d slipped some vile, non-chocolate item into the cake just to pay Tila back for the cow penis. Hmm. Maybe she did.

Tila’s also impressed that Amanda was willing to compromise her integrity (the 15-year abstinence from red meat) for her. And isn’t that what we’re all looking for?

Domenico is particularly excited for Tila to sample his concoction, but when she does, she spits it out because it “tastes like s—.” He is shocked because he doused it with cream of tartar, and that’s good stuff, right? Dumbass. Afterward, she snuggles with each of her chefs under the moonlight. Especially Dani. Tila is latched on to her like a fungus when she asks, “If we could go on vacation right now, anywhere in the world, where would you want to go?” But before Dani can answer, sleazy Steven climbs onto the bed with them and starts talking about the cow penis he ate earlier in the day. And sweet, mild Dani gets pissed. She tells him that he’s being “awkward” (not the word I would have chosen, but then they would have edited out my word, anyway) and that she would never do the same to him.

Much to no one’s surprise, Dani “standing up for her woman” is a turn-on for Tila. So when Dani exits gracefully (with merely a “you suck, get your own bed”), and Steven mounts Tila and tries to kiss her, Tila ain’t feeling it. Not for him, anyway.

Tila’s alone time with Brandi is similarly contentious. Tila is squeezing her cheeks and telling her how cute she is when Vanessa slithers over and inserts herself in the equation. But she’s more hellbent on thwarting Brandi than she is hot for Tila, and Tila picks up on it.

Our hostess indulges Vanessa for a short time, but she’s sick of all the “drama.” Queen Tila retires to her chambers for the evening and devises a plan of her own.

The truth, or something like it – The next morning, Domenico finds the Tila mail, which reads: “It’s time to put up or shut up. Meet me in the living room.”

The contestants gather there to find boards marked “most compatible” and “least compatible,” and they exchange panicked glances. Tila tells them that she wants their honest opinions about who are the best and worst candidates for her (besides themselves).

When it comes to most compatible, Bobby and Vanessa pick Brandi (keep your enemies closer, right?); Steven picks Bobby; Brandi picks Amanda; and Domenico, Ryan and Amanda (and all of us) pick Dani. Dani’s reward? A date with Tila! (For the record, she and Tila look equally thrilled about Dani’s win.) But that’s the easy part. Everyone whips out their hankies when the “least compatible” picks are read. Vanessa picks Ryan. Steven and Ryan pick Domenico. Brandi hates Vanessa and it’s no surprise when she picks her for that role, but apparently almost everyone hates Vanessa (or maybe they’re all just terrified of her?), because the remaining contestants all agree.

Vanessa and Domenico cry. Brandi cries – but then, Brandi always cries. It’s a nightmare. Vanessa tells Tila that Brandi said she doesn’t know if she wants a guy or a girl. I’m not sure why she thinks this would be offensive to Tila (who proudly calls herself “a bisexual”), but I guess she had to say something to deflect the bad press.

This scene makes me think of my favorite line from House of Yes: “Oh please, if everyone around here is going to start telling the truth, I’m going to bed.”

But alas, I cannot retire. I have to stay up and watch as Vanessa screams and cries about what an honest person she is. And then she learns that her “punishment” for being the least compatible is a date with Tila!

Yes, it seems unfair. But what better way to find out if someone is truly a bad apple? Time together that must be spent conversing and not just groping is an excellent way to discern someone’s true character. Or so I’ve heard.

Guess who’s coming to dinner – For maybe the first time, I feel bad for Tila. I watch in horror as she listens to Vanessa go on and on and on about how she’s “real” and she knows who she is, and how she doesn’t care about what other people think. It’s like watching someone on an actual bad date.

Tila smiles politely and eats in silence as Vanessa talks incessantly – and exclusively – about herself. I think Tila is genuinely bummed that they aren’t out at a restaurant, because there is no waiter to summon for a check and no fake “emergency” phone call from a friend to answer. Her only way out is to finish the date. Vanessa, however, thinks they got on fabulously and that she has secured her place in Tila’s heart forever.

OK, I’ll say it. Check, please! For the love of God, please!

Tila’s date with Dani, however, is a breath of fresh lesbian air. Dani looks dashing in her jeans and loosely worn tie, and she feeds Tila bites of food from her own plate as they lie by the fire. Tila tells us: “I’ve never been with a butchier-type girl like Dani. She’s got a little bit of androgynous in her, and that’s awesome. I get the best of both worlds.”

Cut to Tila grabbing at Dani’s broad shoulders, playing with her comb-over, and climbing all over her. We watch as they kiss, and Dani tells us, “There’s no way she’s sending me home, man.” And I am inclined to agree. Dani is gonna win this puppy. I love you to death – At elimination that night, Amanda (and I) are shocked when she receives the first key of the evening. I like cheesecake as much as the next person, but does it really top a hot date with Dani?

Bobby is called up to take the next key, and inexplicably hobbles back to the sofa holding his ass. What happened in that champagne glass? Dani and Ryan collect their keys, leaving Steven, Domenico, Vanessa and Brandi to wait for the axe.

Christmas comes early for me this year when Tila picks Domenico over that smug bastard Steven. I love the fiery indignation that flashes in his eyes. I want to roast marshmallows over it and feed them to … eh, nobody on this show really turns my crank. Oh, well.

Nevertheless, I am overjoyed that this entitled jerk loses out to some little cream of tartar-loving freak. I am almost as happy when Vanessa gets the boot. Well, happy isn’t the right word. I’m actually relieved. And when she pops her cork and jumps Brandi before Tila can even give Brandi her key, I’m not surprised.

It’s like watching the first and last episode of When Exotic Dancers Attack! Everyone jumps into the fray and tries to pry the two girls apart, and I fully expect to see large clumps of hair (or weave) come flying from the center of the pileup. They finally pull them apart and pin Vanessa to the wall, where she still manages to break a bunch of glasses on the bar – while professing her love for Tila. As they remove the screaming, cursing Vanessa from the room, a bedraggled Brandi cups Tila’s face in her hands and whispers: “I’m in love with you, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take the key.” She sits down on the floor and cries, while Vanessa collapses onto the hot pink shag rug at the bottom of the stairs. The words “To be continued” flash across the screen. Which is too bad, because, like Brandi, I really can’t do this anymore.

Next week on A Shot at Love: Girls and guys are different. Wow.

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