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Best. Lesbian. Halloween. Ever.

If you’re a horror fan like me, then Halloween trumps all as the most wonderful time of the year. Sure, there are plenty of awful movies out there, but I’m an optimist when it comes to horror films. I simply love a good scare and the adrenaline rush it provides. Even better? There are tons of horror flicks (and a few TV shows) with lesbians in them.

That’s why I’ve put together this handy guide to lesbians and bisexual women in horror.

From the tried and true (Buffy, of course!) to the rare and scary (Robert Wise’s The Haunting, for instance) and everything in between (including an almost-forgotten appearance by Amanda Bearse in Fright Night), this guide takes you beyond the lesbian vampire and into the gory world of murdered sorority girls, slumber party massacres and lesbian camping trips gone very, very bad.

So light up your jack-o-lanterns and get your spooky punch ready, because now you can make this the Best. Lesbian. Halloween. Ever.

NOW THAT’S A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE! With all the vampires, monsters and other assorted baddies, every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is like a Halloween episode. (Besides, Buffy fans can always find an excuse to watch the show: “Is it Bastille Day already? Sweet! Put in Buffy!”) In Season 2, however, there was an actual Halloween episode, cleverly titled “Halloween.”

Thrill! to the exploits of the Scooby Gang as they put on enchanted costumes that take over their lives: Buffy becomes an 18th-century damsel in distress, Xander becomes a soldier, and Willow becomes a ghost with some sexy underneath. But (with apologies to Willow fans) I think the best Halloween specials in the history of ever are It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (starring the subject of endless “is she or isn’t she?” speculation, Peppermint Patty) and all those amazing Roseanne episodes. My favorite? The one from Season 5, when Darlene (Sara Gilbert) appears done up as Tippi Hedren from Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, complete with a crows-gouging-eyes ensemble.

THE AFTERELLEN.COM HORROR 100 You’d be hard pressed to find an actress on AfterEllen.com’s Hot 100 list who hasn’t made a horror film. Everyone from Emily Blunt (Wind Chill) and Jordana Brewster (Texas Chain Saw Massacre: The Beginning) to Naomi Watts (Children of the Corn IV) and Katee Sackhoff has, at one time or another, dipped her toe in a big pool of red Karo Syrup, it seems.

Wait, you say. Katee Sackhoff? What movie was she in? Well, a long, long time ago (2002), a little movie titled Halloween: Resurrection came along and caused heartbreak amongst horror fans the world over, what with its Busta Rhymes vs. Michael Myers karate fight and all. The film is even more pathetic when one considers the fact that the Halloween saga jumped the shark no less than four sequels before this one.

After viewing Halloween: Resurrection once, I vowed that I would do all I possibly could to forget that it even exists. Yes, folks, the film is so bad that I decided I’d rather punch myself in the face with flaming fists rather than ever set eyes on it again. But then in 2003, something happened. Along came the new Battlestar Galactica, you see, and with it the Viper pilot known as Starbuck (Katee Sackhoff). I loves me some Starbuck.

A year or so after Battlestar premiered, I managed to put two and two together (hey, sometimes it takes me a while) and I realized that Sackhoff had a role in Halloween: Resurrection. Not remembering her whatsoever, I began to think: “Hmm. Gee, I wonder what she looked like in Halloween. Wait, why did I hate that movie, again? It wasn’t so bad …”

The next thing I knew, I was loading the DVD in search of Sackhoff … and shortly afterward, I was threatening to punch myself in the face again. Please, my friends: I know it’s a temptation to watch the film, but I beg of you – take this screencap and back away from Halloween: Resurrection slowly. You’ll thank me for it, honest.

Having portrayed vampire slayer Faith on both Angel and Buffy, Eliza Dushku was no stranger to horror when she appeared on the big screen in 2003’s Wrong Turn. No one could have predicted it at the time, but Eliza soon proved to be a pioneer in horror fashion; her longish brown hair and white tank top look would be copied by fellow Hot 100 honorees Jessica Biel (in 2003’s Texas Chain Saw Massacre) and Elisha Cuthbert (in 2005’s House of Wax). Though my vote goes to Biel, clearly Dushku wields the most powerful Tank Top Fu – it’s so strong that it distracts even the grodiest of inbred cannibal weirdos. Before they teamed up as lovers in the featherweight lesbian romantic comedy Imagine Me & You, Lena Headey and Piper Perabo teamed up as elite super sexy cave-diving scientists in the disastrous monster movie The Cave.

The film is a train wreck that both actresses would rather forget, but come on. I don’t care how bad the movie is: (1) it’s horror, and (2) I said Lena Headey and Piper Perabo. Why they’re so ashamed of this film, I have no idea – surely Piper Perabo had to mine the deepest depths of her soul as an actress to reach the right level of emotional vulnerability to deliver such lines as: “Did you get a shot of that? It’s sick, dude! Totally rockin’!” Last but not least, do I need to mention Jodie Foster‘s Oscar-winning turn in Silence of the Lambs when I talk about lesbian icons in horror films? Probably not, but I will anyway. Any excuse for a little gratuitous Jodie Foster!

THERE ARE ONLY MONSTERS IN THIS CLOSET! Long before she was introduced to Ellen DeGeneres and/or the notion of tweezed eyebrows, the lovely Portia de Rossi made an appearance as a sorority sister in Scream 2 (1997). Unfortunately, Scream 2 is one of those horror films where the sorority sisters don’t engage in topless pillow fights. What’s up with that? I thought that’s why girls pledged sororities in the first place!

Out actress Jessica Graham (2 Minutes Later) has also taken on the genre in Devil Girl, an indie horror flick picking up a lot of buzz on the festival circuit; I took in a screening not so long ago at Shriekfest, in fact. Graham plays Fay, a muscle car-drivin’ woman who gets stranded in the middle of nowhere when said car breaks down and a psychotic clown steals her wallet. She takes a dancing gig at a local strip club to earn some dough, and eventually she has sex with the mysterious (and titular) devil girl who shows up from time to time. I’m not drunk – that’s really what happens in the movie. Check out Devil Girl when you can; it’s sure to be released any minute now, and both the film and Graham have style to burn.

OK … you know I have to bring up BloodRayne (2005), right? Now, don’t let the words “Uwe” and “Boll” fool you – BloodRayne doesn’t even rank in IMDb.com’s Bottom 100. That’s right: It’s better than that. Don’t get me wrong, it’s … not good. But is it the perfect movie to play during your leztastic Halloween party? Of course it is!

First of all, it’s written by out screenwriter/actress/director/producer Guinevere Turner. Secondly, if the film is simply background noise, then you only need to pay attention when Rayne (openly bisexual actress Kristanna Loken) and Katarin (Michelle Rodriguez) engage in their underwater knife fight (yes, I said “underwater knife fight”), or perhaps when Rayne finally gets her bite on and goes after Katarin. Surely we’ve all had worse dates than that, yes?

Now then, take my hand as I sit on my Wayback Couch and travel to the mysterious and exotic year known as “1985.” Before Married With Children, before The Big Gay Sketch Show and before she was out, actress/director Amanda Bearse starred in the cult fave horror comedy Fright Night. Amy Peterson (Bearse) might be sweethearts with nice guy Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale), but before long she finds herself on the dance floor being seduced by charismatic vampire Jerry Dandridge (Chris Sarandon). IS THAT A THREE-FOOT POWER DRILL, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME? Guinevere Turner isn’t the only lesbian/bisexual woman to work behind the scenes of horror films. Before she began writing mystery novels with her cat, noted feminist and lesbian Rita Mae Brown penned the screenplay for The Slumber Party Massacre (1982), a slasher film that both satirizes and typifies the subgenre. The film, also known as How Many Vaguely Lesbian Handywomen and Utility Workers Can One Town Possibly Have?, walks the line (or rather, leaps back and forth across the line) between exploitation and social commentary as a sweaty male killer brandishes a massive power drill against a house full of teenage girls. He mutters date-rape speak as he faces off with the Final Girl (“C’mon baby, you know you want it”), but she manages to save herself by turning the tables and castrating an inch or two from his drill.

For all the girl power subtext, however, there are also plenty of horror film stereotypes (your average nudity, lengthy shower scenes and the like). In all honesty, Slumber Party Massacre features more bare breasts than any other slasher film that comes to my mind, and it’s written and directed by women. So does the movie play into male fantasy, or is it all “feminist” somehow because it’s created by women? Check out the trailer (Warning: NSFW!) and decide for yourself. Ultimately, Slumber Party Massacre proves that there’s nothing inherently wrong with mixing sex and horror.

NOTHING SAYS LESBIAN HORROR LIKE CAMPING Out director Sharon Ferranti has called her lesbian slasher flick Make A Wish (2002) “quintessentially lesbo,” and that’s absolutely appropriate, right down to the fashion. Birthday girl Susan (Moynan King), who’s slightly cranky, sporting a straw hat and definitely the outdoorsy type, has invited a bevy of ex-girlfriends along for a weekend of camping, hiking, tent-hopping and bickering.

Among her exes, there’s the one who’s “straight” now; there’s the one who chants, casts spells and most likely smells of patchouli; there’s the rich bitch femme who thinks camping is stupid; there’s the athletic, butchy one who makes out with everybody; there’s the “aggressive vegetarian” who laments the lack of soy milk and wheat germ before she meets the pointy end of the killer’s knife.

This blend of Friday the 13th and Go Fish is refreshing in that the lesbians in the film look like, well, lesbians – not the silicon-enhanced kind that one often finds in horror films. Make a Wish is definitely for lesbians, by lesbians. The bad news, however, is that this flick isn’t nearly as scary as either Friday the 13th or Go Fish.

Though it’s dazzlingly inept as a horror film, Make a Wish is worth seeing strictly for the novelty factor, kind of like paying to see a three-headed goat. It’s not life-changing, necessarily, but it’s something to talk about with your friends (I mean, it is a lesbian slasher movie, after all). Your conversation might go something like this:

You: So last night I watched this lesbian slasher flick. Your Friend: Oh yeah? You: Yeah. Hey, do you have any gum?

WHY YES, I DO LIKE TO WATCH. Of course, Make a Wish isn’t the only horror film that features lesbian and bisexual characters and their on-screen shenanigans. Sure, there’s plenty of exploitative on-screen action available, particularly in this genre (more of that in a bit), but you may be surprised to learn that some of these movies feature well-adjusted women who just happen to be queer.

A surprisingly progressive example of this comes courtesy of one of my favorite films, director Robert Wise’s The Haunting (1963). Based on the novel The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson, the film is a masterful exercise in using minimalist techniques to achieve maximum scares – this is definitely a movie to watch while huddled under blankets with a loved one.

The story is simple: Four people stay in a house (a house, they say, that was “born bad”) to document the paranormal goings-on. Theo (Claire Bloom), a lesbian gifted with ESP, quickly takes a shine to fellow investigator Eleanor (Julie Harris). Watch this scene as Theo employs a classic approach (booze her up and make your move!) and implies far more than you’d think possible in a single “No”:

Because there’s really only the implication that she’s homosexual, there’s very little negative commentary on Theo’s sexuality, which is rather remarkable given that The Haunting was made in 1963. At one point, however, Eleanor lashes out at Theo, calling her one of “nature’s mistakes.” While you might consider this to be an insult, I myself do not. In my experience, I’ve found nature’s mistakes to be strictly awesome, like that time I was eating Cheese Nips and I pulled three connected crackers out of the box. Boy, what a day that was!

Another film that takes a surprisingly casual (and wonderfully welcome) approach to a character’s lesbianism is the 1978 made-for-TV thriller Someone’s Watching Me!, directed by John Carpenter (and recently made available for the first time on DVD). Lauren Hutton stars as Leigh Michaels, a television executive who starts a new job in a new city only to find herself harassed – and eventually outright threatened – by an aggressive Peeping Tom. When she first meets her new assistant, Sophie (Adrienne Barbeau), there’s the briefest mention of Sophie’s preferences:

BAD TO THE BONE As you can probably tell, I have a deep well of optimism when it comes to horror movies. This means that I always have faith that the next horror film I watch will be the best one I’ve ever seen (even though I’m almost always disappointed in the end), but also that I can usually find a glimmer of something compelling in even the worst of the worst. Such is the case with Class Reunion Massacre (1978; aka The Redeemer: Son of Satan!).

Class Reunion Massacre isn’t by any stretch of the imagination a “good” movie, or even a remotely scary one. It is, however, incredibly bizarre and so bad it’s good, if you know what I mean, and sure enough, it features a Lesbian Couple.

We meet the Lesbian Couple early on when they’re having a bit of a domestic dispute: One of them is heading off to, yes, a class reunion, and she doesn’t want to bring her girlfriend. The girlfriend is naturally put off by her partner’s seeming embarrassment, and it’s a surprisingly sweet and realistic scene in the most unexpected place: a trashy supernatural-flavored slasher flick. Well, as realistic as it can be in the face of some spotty acting, anyway.

If you’re looking for quirky indie cinema, Angela Bettis seems to be the go-to girl. Though she first made an impact alongside Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted (1999), Bettis is best known for her roles in the horror genre, having appeared in such films as Carrie (2002) and Toolbox Murders (2004).

She’s proven herself to be an incredibly versatile actress, as she bravely tackles such potentially unappealing roles as a bisexual weirdo who makes out with Anna Faris (May, 2002) and a lesbian weirdo who makes out with Erin “Misty Mundae” Brown (Masters of Horror: Sick Girl, 2006). I highly recommend both May and Sick Girl, though neither is for the faint of heart! And though I’m about to recommend it to you, I have an admission to make: I’ve never actually seen The Unborn (1991). There, I said it. I’ve never seen it, but oh, how I’ve longed to! I mean, the film features an evil scientist conducting evil experiments on patients of his fertility clinic. Not only that, it also includes women driven mad by their evil unborn children, and – here’s the icing on the cake, my friends – it features pre-plastic surgery D-Lister comedienne Kathy Griffin as a lesbian who gets bludgeoned to death by her recently evilly impregnated partner.

Does The Unborn not sound like the best movie ever? Oh yes, I think it does. Now I just need to see the freakin’ thing. Who wants to come over on Halloween and check it out?

A BLOODY HELL OF A GOOD TIME Speaking of “not for the faint of heart,” I absolutely need to mention the love-it-or-hate-it French film High Tension (2003). Perhaps you’ve heard of it, and more likely than not, you’ve heard people complaining about the infamous twist ending. I don’t want to give anything away here, but this gruesome (and wow, do I mean ga-ruesome with a capital “boy, that’s a lot of blood!”) tale of two girls stalked by a vicious knife-wielding maniac in the remote French countryside is worth a viewing if you’re at all interested in queer cinema.

High Tension is positively rife with subtext about women who fall in love with their best friends, about self-loathing lesbians, about what love and living in the closet can sometimes do to a person. It’s a brutal film, to be certain – not to mention really really scary – but it’s also one that begs for analysis. (I’ve weighed in with my thoughts on it in a highly spoileriffic review you can read right here.)

Invite a bunch of your friends over and watch it for yourself; then in the light of day, when you’re no longer terrified, you can all put on glasses (they make you look smarter, you know) and discuss it. It’ll be just like Oprah’s Book Club! But with way more blood. And, um, it’s a movie.

EXCUSE ME, BUT YOUR FANGS ARE IN MY NECK … As you may know, lesbians and vampires go together like peanut butter and jelly (for a primer on lesbian vampire flicks, read AfterEllen.com’s Top 10 Lesbian Vampire Flicks). Let’s face it: It’s a subgenre that just won’t die.

The actual “lesbian” content varies greatly from movie to movie. In the ’70s, even the most “notorious” films contained little more action than naked women running through a fog-enshrouded forest while “oooEEEooo” music plays. Then maybe they’d go back to a castle and stare at each other for a while, and then they’d kiss. Despite their reputations, these films (such as Nude for Satan) tend to be as slow as molasses and rather dull. The newer films, such as The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing (2004, and yes, you read that right) lean decidedly more toward the soft-core end of the spectrum.

Vampires aren’t the only monsters that lesbians in horror films associate with, though. I mean, there’s Satan himself to befriend! In Alucarda (1978), orphaned Catholic schoolgirls Alucarda (Tina Romero) and Justine (Susana Kamini) strike up a friendship that quickly evolves into a romantic relationship. Once that happens, you know what comes next: meaningful gazes and pacts with Beelzebub. As Satan’s Little Helpers, Alucarda and Justine wreak all kinds of nude havoc all over the convent and really put the her in hirsute, if you know what I mean. Alucarda is ridiculous, outrageous, over-the-top, and an exceedingly fun slice of ’70s Mexican horror cinema.

MY WORK HERE IS DONE Well, kids, I think I’ve given you just about all the ingredients you need to make this Halloween a truly lezerrific one. What you do with all this information is up to you. Will you stay up all night with your girl watching scary movies? Will you spend Halloween bickering with all your ex-girlfriends out in the woods somewhere?

How many of you couples are going to dress up as Willow and Tara? Or maybe you’ll just rock the longish brown hair and white tank top. (“Who are you supposed to be?” “Duh, I’m Eliza Dushku. I mean Jessica Biel – no wait, I’m Elisha Cuthbert!”) Happy Halloween!

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