The victim: Helen grapples with the aftermath of the assault.
The vengeful: Nikki wants to make Fenner pay.
The viewers: Everyone’s watching something, thanks to the annoying presence of a documentary film crew.
Morning at Larkhall — Another day, another shrine to steal for. Di is rummaging around in Josh’s locker. She sniffs his electric razor. Yes, you read that right, and yes, it squicked me too. If only she would use her scavenging powers for something more productive, like voodoo.
Fenner arrives and almost catches her in the act. She pretends to be looking for Gina’s sweater. Because obviously that would be hiding in Josh’s locker. If it’s so chock-full of goodies, could you maybe look for Nikki’s “get out of jail free” card, too?
Beauty surrounded by ominous music — There’s Helen! And there’s Helen’s keychain, or maybe a chain wallet — do we really know for sure? And she’s wearing that leather jacket again too.
Never mind: There’s that slimeball Fenner. In case you missed it, last week he slammed Helen up against the filing cabinet in the wing office and grabbed her crotch. It was vile.
Fenner: Helen.
Helen: Don’t you talk to me.
Yeah, talk about cheeky: He actually thinks they’re on speaking terms after that?!
Fenner: Look, things have been a little tough on me lately. Or had you forgotten?
Helen: [pushing his arm away] Just get out my way!
Fenner: I wake up dripping with sweat every night.
Helen: Oh, my heart bleeds.
Fenner: I have panic attacks every time I walk through those gates.
Helen: It’s nothing you didn’t bring on yourself.
Fenner: Ah, but you see, I blame you, Helen. ‘Cause every time I walk in here, I have to face the evil cow who came that far away from killing me.
Helen: Well, let’s hope the next time she’s that much luckier.
First of all, Fenner, you repel me. Second, it’s remarkable how much sheer hatred you inspire in Helen — she’s usually the textbook bleeding-heart liberal, but in your case she’d probably be all in favor of the electric chair. Maybe that’s just me.
The wing office — Karen announces that a documentary film crew is on its way to Larkhall to do some filming. The company is called Kickin’ Productions, which to me rhymes with jumping the shark. Their footage will air on TV in the form of a series called “Lady Lags.” (Lag is British slang for convict; don’t ask me why.)
Hollamby complains about the idea of someone filming her — I know you’re shocked by the idea that she would complain about something — but she softens (and even preens) a little when Gina teases that this could be her big break.
Helen interrupts and pretty much breaks up the meeting, insisting that she speak to Karen immediately about “a private matter.” Karen looks surprised. Fenner looks ill. I know it’s hard to tell, what with all his natural bile, but he really does look like he’s going to throw up.
Karen’s office — Helen dispenses with the preliminaries.
Helen: So how are you and Jim gettin’ on?
Yet another thing I love about Helen: Though she prefers not to play politics herself, she’s never unaware of them.
Helen asks Karen whether it’s “serrrious” and is dismayed to learn that the two screws in love have progressed to the point of considering cohabitation. That’s enough for her to bite her tongue rather than telling Karen about the assault.
Sigh. I guess that was the right decision for now, though I’d like to think Karen would have risen above her personal dramas in order to defend Helen. But Helen did put Karen on the defensive right away. I think the whole exchange was just proof that even smart, confident women are undone by harassment and assault, which is why (a) It’s so very wrong to blame the victim for any kind of seemingly irrational behavior afterward, and (b) I’d be first in line to kick Fenner into unconsciousness, if I were a lady lag.
The garden gate — Nikki’s in full gardener garb, including a cute hat. She sees Helen at a nearby gate and teases her gently.
Nikki: Hey! Missed you. You don’t write; you don’t phone …
Helen says nothing and has a rather desperate look on her face.
Nikki: Helen … ?
Helen: It’s … nothing.
Nikki: Don’t look like nothing.
Helen: [coming through the gate] I’ll sort it out myself.
Nikki: Might’ve known I couldn’t be of any use.
No, no, Nikki: Don’t get all petulant right now. She sees that it’s not really the right response when she gets a closer look at Helen’s face; the steely Miss Stewart looks like she’s about to crumble.
Helen: Nikki, if I tell you, you’ve gotta promise me it’ll go no further. I mean it.
Nikki: Hand on heart. What’s happened?
Helen: Ah …. [struggling to find the words] … it’s Jim Fenner.
Nikki: Mighta guessed.
Helen: The other night I was in the office, and he was havin’ a go as usual. But … really didn’t expect what happened after that.
Nikki: Like what?
I dunno, Nik: I’m not sure your tone is gentle enough. Helen is close to tears. On the other hand, I’m sure what Nikki really wants to do is hold Helen, and she can’t exactly do that either.
Helen: He assaulted me.
Nikki: What?!
Helen: [swallowing her tears, unable to catch her breath] Between my legs. He said that he knew what I needed to sort me out.
Nikki: I’ll kill him.
Helen: I really don’t think that’s gonna help right now.
Nikki: He sexually assaulted you!
Helen: Calm down. I don’t know what to do. Other than lockin’ him in a cell with Shell Dockley.
Nikki: Have you told Stubberfield?
Helen: No, I can’t.
Nikki: Why not?! Get the bastard sacked. It’s time someone did.
Helen just looks sad, while Nikki looks like she really could rip someone’s head off right now. Sigh. Now I’m the one who wants to hold Helen and let her cry. Well, and do some head-ripping too.
Before they can figure out a plan of action, the scene changes. Why can’t things between these two ever have a beginning and ending?
Spreading the word — Gina is telling everyone about the documentary film crew. The Larkhall kids (e.g., Denny, Shaz and Buki) are excited, of course, but the two Julies aren’t sure they want their kids to see their moms on TV.
Nearby, Di pines for Josh. When Gina calls her on it, Di insists Josh is just as keen on her as she is on him. Yeah? And are you also 5’9″ and svelte when you’re hanging out in your fantasy land?
Speaking of 5’9″ and svelte — Karen is shuffling some papers when Jim drops by to see if she’s ready for their meeting with Simon. She tells him to have a seat and summarizes her encounter with Helen, including the part about the possible cohabitation. That’s all the encouragement Jim needs to go in for a snog, but Karen doesn’t let things get too hot and heavy. This scene was a lot longer than these few sentences would indicate, but I can only watch these two interact for so long before my eyelids snap shut of their own accord. It’s an evolutionary response to emetics.
Preparing for their close-ups — Simon is talking to the staff (including Karen, Jim and a morose-looking Helen, who’s sitting across from Fenner) about the documentary. Stubberfield obviously can’t wait to make his on-screen debut.
He meets with the film crew next. The crew consists of a weaselly, twerpy cameraman; a doughy, douchey boom mike operator; and a pretentious, head scarf–wearing director (let’s call her hippie chick). They’re just as slimy as Simon.
Elsewhere, Helen and Karen march into the cafeteria and are greeted by wolf whistles. Understandably.
They introduce the inmates to the documentary team. Karen warns, “This isn’t cabaret; it’s a serious program.” She tells them to be careful when discussing their crimes on camera. Nikki listens with disdain, if that’s even possible. (Usually she sneers or speaks with disdain; it’s a little more active.) Let’s just say her body language isn’t exactly promising a star turn.
Rolling — Shell flirts with the doughy, douchey boom mike guy while Stubberfield makes his grand entrance. Trouble is, it’s hard to be grand when none of your loyal subjects recognize you. Shaz calls him “Stubby-summint.”
Later, Shell does an on-camera interview in her cell, professing her innocence with every syllable. Fenner eavesdrops and interrupts just as things start to get interesting — that is, just as she starts to suggest that the prison officers aren’t exactly there to protect and serve.
The crew moves downstairs to film Hollamby. Her ridiculous monologue is interrupted by Denny and Shaz, who just want to make out on camera. More wolf-whistling ensues.
Those two are cute, but we’re only 15 minutes in and I’m already sick of this film crew thing. It’s not meta; it’s just dumb. Especially when Buki flashes the camera like she’s on Girls Gone Wild. And when Shell convinces the boom mike guy it’s unfair that she can’t have some perfume brought in. How dumb can he be?
Filing a complaint — In all the hubbub, Nikki slips into the wing office, where Fenner is pouring himself some tea. She says she wants to file a complaint about the TV crew. He thinks she’s just goofing around, but she gets very serrrious.
Nikki: Know what you are, Fenner? A first-class bastard.
Fenner: Yeah? Well, women like that sort of thing. Real women, anyway.
Nikki: Dockley didn’t. Did she? Not in the end. [putting her hand near an empty milk bottle] She had a way with a bottle. Just like me.
Before things can escalate (oh, how I wish she’d escalate that bottle right up to his smug mug), Helen interrupts and asks what’s going on. Nikki pretends to thank Fenner and leaves, with Helen close on her heels. They go to Nikki’s cell, where Helen gives her yet another lecture.
Helen: Are you out of your stupid mind?
Nikki: [mumbling] Sorry.
Helen: There’s your appeal out the window. I’ve been working my arse off to get you out of here, or hadn’t you noticed? All I ask is for you to keep your head down and your nose clean.
Nikki: You didn’t really expect me to say nothing — I have got feelings, you know?
Helen: Yeah, but what kind, Nikki? Anger, jealousy, violence? Those aren’t the qualities that I generally look for in a person.
A “person” — what kind of person, exactly? A person to, um, work with? Have tea with? Get naked with? One very special person who lets you know you were half and now you’re whole?
Helen: Just remember what got you in here in the first place.
Nikki: I didn’t touch him!
Helen: You wanted to.
Nikki: What, and you don’t?
Helen: I am not the one in here serving life for sticking a bottle in a policeman’s neck.
Well, when you put it that way. Nikki has no retort.
Once again, our heroines are torn asunder by their surroundings, whipped against the rocks of fate by a cold, unfeeling wind. Whoops. Clearly I’ve been watching this show for too long and it’s making me get all florid.
Helen storms out. It’s just too much storming and stomping and clomping, Miss Stewart. Nikki can only glare at the door after she leaves.
An alarm — The bells are ringing, calling all the screws to Buki Lester’s cell. She has cut her arm (intentionally) and is bleeding quite a bit. While everyone fusses over her, Fenner goes to Shell’s cell (also intentionally, and equally stupidly). He offers to get her the keys to the TV crew’s van so she can escape. She assumes it’s just a trick, but he’s dead serious — he wants to be free of her once and for all.
He also tells Shell to start keeping a diary, which she’s supposed to do anyway as part of the lifers group. But he doesn’t want her to be truthful, exactly. The idea is to write things that make Helen look very, very bad. Shell agrees, because she’s still just that evil.
More discord — Nikki finds Helen and apologizes for her behavior.
Helen: There are ways of going about things other than violence, Nikki.
Nikki: [brattily] Yeah? You just haven’t thought of one yet? [as Helen turns to leave] Sorry. Sorry.
Helen: Look, I understand how you feel. But this is my battle. Why don’t you concentrate on fighting your own?
Uh, why? Maybe because you’ve just been assaulted and she’s in love with you and nothing’s more important to her than your safety and well-being. Just a guess.
Shady dealings — Stubberfield talks to Buki, who’s been taken down the block. Because that’s what you do to people who are clearly in considerable mental distress: Punish them more severely. But it’s not like Simon really cares about her, anyway; he just thinks it’s a good opportunity to look sympathetic on TV.
Meanwhile, in the wing office, Fenner uses a cake of soap to make impressions of the van keys. Really? A cake of soap? What is this: Miss Marple? Gina almost catches him, but as usual, he gets away clean. Uh, no pun intended.
Visiting hour — Julie S.’s son, David, comes for a visit. She’s concerned about tarnishing her image by appearing in the TV series. They exchange platitudes and talk tearfully about David’s dad. Blah.
Plotting — Shell tells Denny about her plans to escape. She wants Den to go with her, but Den doesn’t want to leave Shaz. Shell warns her she’s not likely to get many chances to make a break. Silly Shell: Don’t you know that love makes people do crazy things, like stay in jail despite every chance to leave it? Just ask the one you so fondly call “Wade.”
A showdown — The TV crew is setting up shop in the library, where the lifers are about to meet. Helen has something to say about that.
Helen: I’m sorry, but you can’t film here.
Hippie chick: [scoffing] This is the lifers group, isn’t it?
Helen: Yeah, but it’s a closed session.
Hippie chick: Oh, he hasn’t told you, has he?
Helen: Who?
Hippie chick: Mr. Stubberfield. He particularly wants us to film what goes on here. Thinks the lifers group shows Larkhall at its most progressive.
Helen: [patiently] Well, Mr. Stubberfield doesn’t run this group. I do. And I don’t want you here.
Hippie chick: Um. You don’t seem to understand. We’ve negotiated an Access All Areas policy throughout the whole prison.
Helen: Not with me, you haven’t. So you can just pack up your things and leave. Now.
Hippie chick: I am only doing my job.
Helen: Not historically a great excuse, is it, Fiona?
In the background, Nikki grins, no doubt proud of her bird. Who doesn’t love bossy Miss Stewart? It’s so nice of the writers to give her some interesting dialogue for a change, and Simone Lahbib’s acting has been nothing but stellar throughout this episode. She makes me cry, laugh, hoot, holler — and that’s just the first time she shows up on the screen.
As hippie chick and her motley fools leave, Helen sees the looks passing between the boom mike guy and Shell. I don’t think Helen approves.
Putting the plan in motion — Fenner has the copied key. He gives Shell detailed instructions for the escape. She’ll find the key taped under a chair in the chapel — that is, if her fake diary is “good enough.” A couple of floors down, Den tells Shaz all about the plan and her own uncertainty. Should she stay or should she go?
Denny: I don’t care where I am, as long as I’m with you.
Shaz thinks the best solution is for her to escape too. Didn’t see that coming, did you?
Shell finds the Julies and tells them just enough of her plan to get them involved. She wants them to create a diversion during chapel the next morning so she can sneak out, key in hand (or, um, elsewhere). The Julies reluctantly agree to help. Why do people so often agree with Shell, reluctantly or otherwise?
The big day — While things (and people) start to hum down in the chapel, Fenner plants the necessary evidence in Shell’s cell: the diary, the cake of soap and the boom guy’s business card. I don’t get how all of this is supposed to shake out, but it’s probably going to suck, if Fenner’s involved.
During a hymn, the Julies grab the boom mike and create a ruckus. A few dramatic sound effects and key turns later (plus a head scarf that makes Shell look sort of like the hippie chick), and Shell, Denny and Shaz are driving right through the front gate in the film crew’s van. I’m surprised Shell can even walk in those weird blue boots of hers, let alone make a break for it.
Back at Larkhall, Hollamby tells Fenner that three inmates are missing. He’s not exactly shocked.
And, of course, the best-laid plans never quite work out, especially not on this show. Although the three escapees got out in the van, they don’t get very far in it; Shell rams into another car — in a brief fit of road rage — and then can’t get the thing going again. As they try to run for it on foot, Shaz manages to hurt herself and has to stay behind. I think I’ve hurt myself too, with all the overwrought drama in this episode. Pardon me while I rewind to the Helen-Fiona face-off.
NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Shell and Denny drop by Hollamby’s house; Fenner proceeds with his plot to ruin Helen.
Fenner: What, not even to apologize? Look, I shouldn’t have blown up like that.
Helen: You assaulted me.
Fenner: Oh, cut the textbook politics, will you?
Helen: Well, what would you call it, Jim? A friendly grope between colleagues?
Fenner: [bristling] Apology accepted, then?
Helen: You’re a s—, Fenner. And if I thought I had an iota of a chance of anyone believing what happened, I’d get you sacked in a second.
Fenner: Finished?
Helen: Yeah. I am for now.
But he’s not. As she tries to leave, he blocks her with his arm, grabbing her shoulder.
Fenner: Look, things have been a little tough on me lately. Or had you forgotten?
Helen: [pushing his arm away] Just get out my way!
Fenner: I wake up dripping with sweat every night.
Helen: Oh, my heart bleeds.
Fenner: I have panic attacks every time I walk through those gates.
Helen: It’s nothing you didn’t bring on yourself.
Fenner: Ah, but you see, I blame you, Helen. ‘Cause every time I walk in here, I have to face the evil cow who came that far away from killing me.
Helen: Well, let’s hope the next time she’s that much luckier.
First of all, Fenner, you repel me. Second, it’s remarkable how much sheer hatred you inspire in Helen — she’s usually the textbook bleeding-heart liberal, but in your case she’d probably be all in favor of the electric chair. Maybe that’s just me.
The wing office — Karen announces that a documentary film crew is on its way to Larkhall to do some filming. The company is called Kickin’ Productions, which to me rhymes with jumping the shark. Their footage will air on TV in the form of a series called “Lady Lags.” (Lag is British slang for convict; don’t ask me why.)
Hollamby complains about the idea of someone filming her — I know you’re shocked by the idea that she would complain about something — but she softens (and even preens) a little when Gina teases that this could be her big break.
Helen interrupts and pretty much breaks up the meeting, insisting that she speak to Karen immediately about “a private matter.” Karen looks surprised. Fenner looks ill. I know it’s hard to tell, what with all his natural bile, but he really does look like he’s going to throw up.
Karen’s office — Helen dispenses with the preliminaries.
Helen: So how are you and Jim gettin’ on?
Yet another thing I love about Helen: Though she prefers not to play politics herself, she’s never unaware of them.
Helen asks Karen whether it’s “serrrious” and is dismayed to learn that the two screws in love have progressed to the point of considering cohabitation. That’s enough for her to bite her tongue rather than telling Karen about the assault.
Sigh. I guess that was the right decision for now, though I’d like to think Karen would have risen above her personal dramas in order to defend Helen. But Helen did put Karen on the defensive right away. I think the whole exchange was just proof that even smart, confident women are undone by harassment and assault, which is why (a) It’s so very wrong to blame the victim for any kind of seemingly irrational behavior afterward, and (b) I’d be first in line to kick Fenner into unconsciousness, if I were a lady lag.
The garden gate — Nikki’s in full gardener garb, including a cute hat. She sees Helen at a nearby gate and teases her gently.
Nikki: Hey! Missed you. You don’t write; you don’t phone …
Helen says nothing and has a rather desperate look on her face.
Nikki: Helen … ?
Helen: It’s … nothing.
Nikki: Don’t look like nothing.
Helen: [coming through the gate] I’ll sort it out myself.
Nikki: Might’ve known I couldn’t be of any use.
No, no, Nikki: Don’t get all petulant right now. She sees that it’s not really the right response when she gets a closer look at Helen’s face; the steely Miss Stewart looks like she’s about to crumble.
Helen: Nikki, if I tell you, you’ve gotta promise me it’ll go no further. I mean it.
Nikki: Hand on heart. What’s happened?
Helen: Ah …. [struggling to find the words] … it’s Jim Fenner.
Nikki: Mighta guessed.
Helen: The other night I was in the office, and he was havin’ a go as usual. But … really didn’t expect what happened after that.
Nikki: Like what?
I dunno, Nik: I’m not sure your tone is gentle enough. Helen is close to tears. On the other hand, I’m sure what Nikki really wants to do is hold Helen, and she can’t exactly do that either.
Helen: He assaulted me.
Nikki: What?!
Helen: [swallowing her tears, unable to catch her breath] Between my legs. He said that he knew what I needed to sort me out.
Nikki: I’ll kill him.
Helen: I really don’t think that’s gonna help right now.
Nikki: He sexually assaulted you!
Helen: Calm down. I don’t know what to do. Other than lockin’ him in a cell with Shell Dockley.
Nikki: Have you told Stubberfield?
Helen: No, I can’t.
Nikki: Why not?! Get the bastard sacked. It’s time someone did.
Helen just looks sad, while Nikki looks like she really could rip someone’s head off right now. Sigh. Now I’m the one who wants to hold Helen and let her cry. Well, and do some head-ripping too.
Before they can figure out a plan of action, the scene changes. Why can’t things between these two ever have a beginning and ending?
Spreading the word — Gina is telling everyone about the documentary film crew. The Larkhall kids (e.g., Denny, Shaz and Buki) are excited, of course, but the two Julies aren’t sure they want their kids to see their moms on TV.
Nearby, Di pines for Josh. When Gina calls her on it, Di insists Josh is just as keen on her as she is on him. Yeah? And are you also 5’9″ and svelte when you’re hanging out in your fantasy land?
Speaking of 5’9″ and svelte — Karen is shuffling some papers when Jim drops by to see if she’s ready for their meeting with Simon. She tells him to have a seat and summarizes her encounter with Helen, including the part about the possible cohabitation. That’s all the encouragement Jim needs to go in for a snog, but Karen doesn’t let things get too hot and heavy. This scene was a lot longer than these few sentences would indicate, but I can only watch these two interact for so long before my eyelids snap shut of their own accord. It’s an evolutionary response to emetics.
Preparing for their close-ups — Simon is talking to the staff (including Karen, Jim and a morose-looking Helen, who’s sitting across from Fenner) about the documentary. Stubberfield obviously can’t wait to make his on-screen debut.
He meets with the film crew next. The crew consists of a weaselly, twerpy cameraman; a doughy, douchey boom mike operator; and a pretentious, head scarf–wearing director (let’s call her hippie chick). They’re just as slimy as Simon.
Elsewhere, Helen and Karen march into the cafeteria and are greeted by wolf whistles. Understandably.
They introduce the inmates to the documentary team. Karen warns, “This isn’t cabaret; it’s a serious program.” She tells them to be careful when discussing their crimes on camera. Nikki listens with disdain, if that’s even possible. (Usually she sneers or speaks with disdain; it’s a little more active.) Let’s just say her body language isn’t exactly promising a star turn.
Rolling — Shell flirts with the doughy, douchey boom mike guy while Stubberfield makes his grand entrance. Trouble is, it’s hard to be grand when none of your loyal subjects recognize you. Shaz calls him “Stubby-summint.”
Later, Shell does an on-camera interview in her cell, professing her innocence with every syllable. Fenner eavesdrops and interrupts just as things start to get interesting — that is, just as she starts to suggest that the prison officers aren’t exactly there to protect and serve.
The crew moves downstairs to film Hollamby. Her ridiculous monologue is interrupted by Denny and Shaz, who just want to make out on camera. More wolf-whistling ensues.
Those two are cute, but we’re only 15 minutes in and I’m already sick of this film crew thing. It’s not meta; it’s just dumb. Especially when Buki flashes the camera like she’s on Girls Gone Wild. And when Shell convinces the boom mike guy it’s unfair that she can’t have some perfume brought in. How dumb can he be?
Filing a complaint — In all the hubbub, Nikki slips into the wing office, where Fenner is pouring himself some tea. She says she wants to file a complaint about the TV crew. He thinks she’s just goofing around, but she gets very serrrious.
Nikki: Know what you are, Fenner? A first-class bastard.
Fenner: Yeah? Well, women like that sort of thing. Real women, anyway.
Nikki: Dockley didn’t. Did she? Not in the end. [putting her hand near an empty milk bottle] She had a way with a bottle. Just like me.
Before things can escalate (oh, how I wish she’d escalate that bottle right up to his smug mug), Helen interrupts and asks what’s going on. Nikki pretends to thank Fenner and leaves, with Helen close on her heels. They go to Nikki’s cell, where Helen gives her yet another lecture.
Helen: Are you out of your stupid mind?
Nikki: [mumbling] Sorry.
Helen: There’s your appeal out the window. I’ve been working my arse off to get you out of here, or hadn’t you noticed? All I ask is for you to keep your head down and your nose clean.
Nikki: You didn’t really expect me to say nothing — I have got feelings, you know?
Helen: Yeah, but what kind, Nikki? Anger, jealousy, violence? Those aren’t the qualities that I generally look for in a person.
A “person” — what kind of person, exactly? A person to, um, work with? Have tea with? Get naked with? One very special person who lets you know you were half and now you’re whole?
Helen: Just remember what got you in here in the first place.
Nikki: I didn’t touch him!
Helen: You wanted to.
Nikki: What, and you don’t?
Helen: I am not the one in here serving life for sticking a bottle in a policeman’s neck.
Well, when you put it that way. Nikki has no retort.
Once again, our heroines are torn asunder by their surroundings, whipped against the rocks of fate by a cold, unfeeling wind. Whoops. Clearly I’ve been watching this show for too long and it’s making me get all florid.
Helen storms out. It’s just too much storming and stomping and clomping, Miss Stewart. Nikki can only glare at the door after she leaves.
An alarm — The bells are ringing, calling all the screws to Buki Lester’s cell. She has cut her arm (intentionally) and is bleeding quite a bit. While everyone fusses over her, Fenner goes to Shell’s cell (also intentionally, and equally stupidly). He offers to get her the keys to the TV crew’s van so she can escape. She assumes it’s just a trick, but he’s dead serious — he wants to be free of her once and for all.
He also tells Shell to start keeping a diary, which she’s supposed to do anyway as part of the lifers group. But he doesn’t want her to be truthful, exactly. The idea is to write things that make Helen look very, very bad. Shell agrees, because she’s still just that evil.
More discord — Nikki finds Helen and apologizes for her behavior.
Helen: There are ways of going about things other than violence, Nikki.
Nikki: [brattily] Yeah? You just haven’t thought of one yet? [as Helen turns to leave] Sorry. Sorry.
Helen: Look, I understand how you feel. But this is my battle. Why don’t you concentrate on fighting your own?
Uh, why? Maybe because you’ve just been assaulted and she’s in love with you and nothing’s more important to her than your safety and well-being. Just a guess.
Shady dealings — Stubberfield talks to Buki, who’s been taken down the block. Because that’s what you do to people who are clearly in considerable mental distress: Punish them more severely. But it’s not like Simon really cares about her, anyway; he just thinks it’s a good opportunity to look sympathetic on TV.
Meanwhile, in the wing office, Fenner uses a cake of soap to make impressions of the van keys. Really? A cake of soap? What is this: Miss Marple? Gina almost catches him, but as usual, he gets away clean. Uh, no pun intended.
Visiting hour — Julie S.’s son, David, comes for a visit. She’s concerned about tarnishing her image by appearing in the TV series. They exchange platitudes and talk tearfully about David’s dad. Blah.
Plotting — Shell tells Denny about her plans to escape. She wants Den to go with her, but Den doesn’t want to leave Shaz. Shell warns her she’s not likely to get many chances to make a break. Silly Shell: Don’t you know that love makes people do crazy things, like stay in jail despite every chance to leave it? Just ask the one you so fondly call “Wade.”
A showdown — The TV crew is setting up shop in the library, where the lifers are about to meet. Helen has something to say about that.
Helen: I’m sorry, but you can’t film here.
Hippie chick: [scoffing] This is the lifers group, isn’t it?
Helen: Yeah, but it’s a closed session.
Hippie chick: Oh, he hasn’t told you, has he?
Helen: Who?
Hippie chick: Mr. Stubberfield. He particularly wants us to film what goes on here. Thinks the lifers group shows Larkhall at its most progressive.
Helen: [patiently] Well, Mr. Stubberfield doesn’t run this group. I do. And I don’t want you here.
Hippie chick: Um. You don’t seem to understand. We’ve negotiated an Access All Areas policy throughout the whole prison.
Helen: Not with me, you haven’t. So you can just pack up your things and leave. Now.
Hippie chick: I am only doing my job.
Helen: Not historically a great excuse, is it, Fiona?
In the background, Nikki grins, no doubt proud of her bird. Who doesn’t love bossy Miss Stewart? It’s so nice of the writers to give her some interesting dialogue for a change, and Simone Lahbib’s acting has been nothing but stellar throughout this episode. She makes me cry, laugh, hoot, holler — and that’s just the first time she shows up on the screen.
As hippie chick and her motley fools leave, Helen sees the looks passing between the boom mike guy and Shell. I don’t think Helen approves.
Putting the plan in motion — Fenner has the copied key. He gives Shell detailed instructions for the escape. She’ll find the key taped under a chair in the chapel — that is, if her fake diary is “good enough.” A couple of floors down, Den tells Shaz all about the plan and her own uncertainty. Should she stay or should she go?
Denny: I don’t care where I am, as long as I’m with you.
Shaz thinks the best solution is for her to escape too. Didn’t see that coming, did you?
Shell finds the Julies and tells them just enough of her plan to get them involved. She wants them to create a diversion during chapel the next morning so she can sneak out, key in hand (or, um, elsewhere). The Julies reluctantly agree to help. Why do people so often agree with Shell, reluctantly or otherwise?
The big day — While things (and people) start to hum down in the chapel, Fenner plants the necessary evidence in Shell’s cell: the diary, the cake of soap and the boom guy’s business card. I don’t get how all of this is supposed to shake out, but it’s probably going to suck, if Fenner’s involved.
During a hymn, the Julies grab the boom mike and create a ruckus. A few dramatic sound effects and key turns later (plus a head scarf that makes Shell look sort of like the hippie chick), and Shell, Denny and Shaz are driving right through the front gate in the film crew’s van. I’m surprised Shell can even walk in those weird blue boots of hers, let alone make a break for it.
Back at Larkhall, Hollamby tells Fenner that three inmates are missing. He’s not exactly shocked.
And, of course, the best-laid plans never quite work out, especially not on this show. Although the three escapees got out in the van, they don’t get very far in it; Shell rams into another car — in a brief fit of road rage — and then can’t get the thing going again. As they try to run for it on foot, Shaz manages to hurt herself and has to stay behind. I think I’ve hurt myself too, with all the overwrought drama in this episode. Pardon me while I rewind to the Helen-Fiona face-off.
NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Shell and Denny drop by Hollamby’s house; Fenner proceeds with his plot to ruin Helen.
