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“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: Episode 1.1

Last month we warned told you that bisexual internet sensation Tila Tequila was getting her own reality dating show. Well, the wait is over. A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila premiered this week on MTV, and I’m happy to report that it’s every bit as trashtastic as I thought it would be.

Actually, more.

In her introduction, saucy Tila tells us that the show will help her figure out “do I really like a guy” (cut to her kissing a dude) “or do I really like a girl?” (cut to her cuddling up with a woman). Forget therapy, forget self-help books – get your own reality TV program!

The opening promises “1 Bisexual Bachelorette … 16 Guys … 16 Girls.” By my count, that’s 33 reasons why this show is gonna break crazy. Fast.

Meet the Victims – Tila tells us that she’s super excited because 16 gorgeous straight guys will be coming to the house “just for me,” and they “have no idea that I’m bisexual.” As Tila says “bisexual,” we cut to her adjusting her breasts in an outfit that can only be described as the little black dress’ trashy second cousin.

The men in question pull up in a stretch Hummer and roll out of it as if it’s a clown car. They immediately begin bellowing and pounding their chests, shouting “Tila! Tila!” One of them even turns a sloppy but enthusiastic cartwheel – while wearing a suit.

Tila holds court from her balcony, yelping coquettishly, “Where are my boys?”

Lance, a “professional clown” (hey, maybe that was his car!) from Palmdale, Calif., is so inspired that he begins scaling the wall in her general direction, telling us: “I’m going for it. I’m climbing the wall like Romeo and Juliet.” Or at least that’s how it looks in his head.

From where I’m sitting, it’s more like an outtake from Planet of the Apes. He climbs the wall like a monkey while the remaining monkeys down below pound and stomp the ground and scream encouragement.

Let’s meet Ashley, from Mullens, W.Va. At first glance he looks like a modern-day Crocodile Dundee. Upon second glance, he looks more like the love child of Crocodile Dundee and Z.Z. Top. He’s a country boy and an elementary school teacher, shaping the minds of tomorrow. He tells us, “I’ve never dated an Asian chick before, but I love Chinese food.”

I have no words.

Tila instructs the pack of dudes to grab a key (16 oversized skeletony-looking keys hang outside the house) and head inside. One of those keys might just be to Tila’s heart!

Kings of the castle – As the guys file in, Tila jumps up and down excitedly and tells us: “There are so many things I love about a man. The way he looks in a suit, his strong hands, the roughness of his face …”

Let’s meet some of the fellas from the gallery of rogues:

  • Michael B. is a pizza delivery guy from Warwick, R.I., who sleeps on his mother’s couch.
  • Rob is a former wrestler (alligators? WWE?) from Henderson, Nev., and he thinks that some of the other guys are “weird.”
  • Domenico is a “server” (restaurants? internets?) from Milan, Italy. He wears a variety of Prince-esque hats and scarves that immediately make him suspect to the burly guy-guys surrounding him. At one point, he even ventures to start a conversation about homophobia! I fear that he will be dragged out to the backyard and beaten to death before the end of the first episode.
Gifts that keep on giving – Tila tells us that each of the guys has brought her a gift that will help her get to know them better. This will also keep her floating in free gifts.

These “gifts” include a song from Eddie, a singer/dancer from Gardena, Calif. When he presents the song, he uses the white rose he’s holding like microphone, and it looks, well, like he’s singing into a flower. It’s an original composition that goes like this:

I gotta find a way I gotta find a way I gotta find a way To get into your heart …
Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

As he sings, Tila gets that frozen, clenched smile that we all know translates into, “Next!” But Eddie is oblivious. He thinks Tila could really be his Endless Love! That white rose he’s holding traditionally signifies innocence and purity (so the rose is wondering how the hell it ended up on Shot at Love – and seriously considering getting a new agent), and that makes sense because Eddie is – gasp! – a virgin! Or at least he says he is.

Tila is a little freaked out by this info and immediately accuses him of lying. He insists that he is chaste, and we cut away before we can watch this scene get any more awkward. (And keep her reaction in mind when you’re watching her meet her female suitors in the second half of the show.)

Back to the “gifts”:

  • A set of drumsticks from Canadian musician Michael R., who looks like an emo Ken doll. He tells her that there are only two things he does that make him break a sweat: drumming and … you know.
  • Embarassing clown moves from Lance, who juggles, jogs about and barks at her with his ass. Sigh. Don’t ask.
  • A tea bag from “radio personality” Ben of Allston, Mass. Why this, you ask? So that he can “start by tea bagging you a little bit.” For those lesbians who don’t know some of the more icky sexual jargon favored by jerky straight guys, go here. I’m sad to tell you that this show may teach some of you certain things you never, ever wanted to know. But remember: Knowledge is power!
  • A plate of spaghetti and meatballs from the foppish Domenico. When Tila comments on the “big, chunky meatballs” on the plate, he tells her that he usually makes this dish with Italian sausage. But he will be her “hot sausage” for the night. And if that sweet talk isn’t romantic enough for you, he shares a noodle with her doggy style (you know, like Lady and the Tramp!)
  • A Kama Sutra kit from Greg, who hails from Rahway, N.J. Later, Greg will appear to make some serious progress with Tila when she lets him oil her up with the contents of the kit. But he’s the antithesis of smooth when, mid-massage, he accidentally (?) pulls her top down and exposes her to the camera. Sure, we’ve all seen her stuff a million times over, but Tila wants to dole it out on her terms.
Fight club — During his gift presentation to Tila (walkie talkies), Marcus, a spokesmodel (WTF?) from New Orleans snitches on Domenico for talking about gay stuff. He tells Tila all of this as if she were the teacher of their remedial courtship class at Hetero High.

Is he trying to bump Domenico as an opponent? Is he trying to prove how manly he is in comparison to him? Is he scrambling to come up with something to talk about and this just flew into his head? I have no idea.

But it doesn’t go unnoticed by Ashley and the other guys, who all stand around and watch each other take their turns with Tila, then cluck about it like big hairy hens. Ashley takes it all very personally and begins a whispering bellowing campaign against Marcus for talking trash about Domenico.

Ashley actually approaches Marcus after his sit-down with Tila and tells him that he has “pissed everybody off in this house.” Ashley didn’t get the memo explaining that conflicts are best resolved by using “I” statements. The two of them immediately square off and storm about the backyard, screaming at each other, “Step aside!” and “I don’t step aside!” Tila finally breaks up the fight and chides them for acting like … guys. She tells us that she’s really looking forward to the arrival of her female suitors, because women would never act like that. (Insert joke about ex-girlfriends, pool cues and 50-cent beer night at your your local lesbo dive bar here.)

Time to get gone — After receiving her gifts and having quality time with each of the male contestants, Tila tackles the tough job of deciding who will go home.

I feel her pain. How in the hell will she pick just five? I can think of at least 12 who should go, but then I would probably penalize them for dorky haircuts and tea bagging jokes. Which is why I will never get my own reality dating show (and also why — among other reasons — I am a lesbian).

By the time the dust clears, tea bag-bearing Benny, “Prince Charming” Rob, emo Ken doll Michael, scary clown Lance and Kama Sutra kit guy Greg (aka the Kmart version of The Rock) are sent packing. Tila tells the remaining dudes that they are still in the running and that they will be having a pool party the next day. Then she does a shot with them.

Ladies’ night — In a voiceover, Tila says (with an audible smirk), “Now that the guys are gone, I have my 16 beautiful lesbians coming over, and they have no idea that I’m bisexual.”

She tells us this as she wiggles into her tiny little dress that looks like it’s made of gold doubloons, then checks her look in the mirror by bending over and looking over her shoulder at herself as she shakes her ass. Is she planning to greet them from this angle?

Not unlike the clown car full of guys, when the limo full of lesbians arrives at Chez Tila, a gaggle of women tumble out amidst a cacophony of high-pitched squeals. And while their individual eye shadows may be all the colors of the rainbow, they share a common sentiment: Everyone is surprised that the famous pinup girl Tila is a lesbian.

I wonder if they will be even more surprised when they found out that she’s not?

As they file into Tila’s crib, the women have that first-night-at-the-Top-Model-house reaction to the setting. (And this just makes me miss the high quality — by comparison — programming that is America’s Next Top Model. While Tila is sassy and seems to have a brain, she ain’t no Tyra!)

Odd duck Scout (a personal assistant from Shawnee, Kan.) and smiley Krystal (a “model/student” from Kansas City, Mo.) wax poetic about the digs, while Ashli (a caterer from North Bergen, N.J.) excitedly talks about the social significance of Tila’s little venture with MTV. “This is the first show about lesbians and love! Just to be a part of something as groundbreaking as this is an honor.”

Cut to Tila sashaying down the stairs in her itsy bitsy doubloon dress, greeted by the catcalls of a room full of drunk lesbians.

Ah, progress!

As Tila surveys her new pack of conquests, Amanda (a real estate agent from Portland, Ore.) tells us: “You’d have to be blind, and a little retarded, not to find her hot. Like, she’s unbelievably sexy.”

Wow, a ringing endorsement. Tila needs to put that girl on her publicity staff!

Tila passes out the symbolic keys and then invites the randy pack of dykes out to drink some tequila. Brandi (a mortgage consultant from Costa Mesa, Calif.) proposes a thoughtful toast: “To lesbians!” Oh Brandi, those two little words fill me with dread. Very soon, I suspect you are not going to be very happy with Miss T.

School for scoundrels — Over drinks with Tila, a group of the girls discuss the finer points of lesbian identity.

Scout: A “gold-star lesbian” has never slept with a man. Steffanie: A “silver-star lesbian” attempted to, and didn’t have a damn good time. And knew that she was queer at that moment.
Just then, Amanda (the one who is neither “a little retarded” nor “blind”) joins the crowd and plops down beside on Tila. She is a big hunk of a woman, and Tila isn’t quite sure what to do with her. So she improvises and looks up her miniskirt. Then she squeals with delight over what she sees. OMG — they’re wearing matching underwear!

This fact appears to be somewhat of an aphrodisiac for both of them … and also an indicator that they are “on the same page.” I’m so confused. Are they going to throw down or go shopping?

One on one — As with the guys, Tila makes her rounds and sizes up each of the contestants. And as with the guys, there’s a lone virgin just waiting to be plucked by Tila herself.

Ashli informs Tila of her chastity, but there is no arm-socking, no “you’re lying!” as there was with the other virgin, Eddie. No, Tila gasps with delight and eyes Ashli like a big slab of cheesecake.

Cut to a private moment with Tila, who clasps her hands and looks to the heavens and tells the camera, “My prayers have been answered!” Cut to Ashli, whom she tells: “Nobody’s taking your virginity ever. But me!” Ashli laughs nervously, probably thinking, “Mommy, help!”

Hmm, Tila wants to be a cherry-poppin’ daddy with the girls but not the boys. Why is this?

As further evidence of her different seduction techniques, Tila climbs onto a futon with Rebecca (an entrepreneur from Phoenix, Ariz.), and immediately snuggles up in her arms and lets her caress her bare back. Let’s let Tila explain:

Tila: With females, at first touch, I get light-headed. I love the way they smell; they’re so soft. It’s like this sensuality that you don’t experience with a man.
Is this going to give a female contestant an advantage over a male? Or is girl-petting just going to devolve into brushing each other’s nice-smelling hair (and shopping!) while Tila saves the rough stuff for the guys?

Before there’s time for me to really consider this question, the Rebecca-Tila moment is wrecked by an odd bird named Keasha (an interior designer from Tulsa, Okla.), who likes to say “hey, girl, hey” as a substitute for just about anything. It can mean, “Hello, Tila,” or “Let’s party,” or even, “No I did not step on your foot with my fancy pink pumps!”

She tries to horn in on their interlude, but Rebecca dispatches her handily. Something tells me that just like a foot fungus, she’ll be back.

Tila makes her way over to Sara and Dani, who are engaged in some polite small talk. That is until Tila gets one look at Sara, tells her she’s like a tiger and then immediately starts making out with her. And yeah, it’s kinda hot.

Porn music is cued while Dani, who seems to have temporarily forgotten that she is a contestant and not some dyke who plunked down $40 at a strip club to watch this private show, looks on, mouth agape. She asks no one in particular to bring “more vodka,” but those are about the only words she gets out.

Tila pulls herself off Sara and saunters away, and Dani has her eyes glued to Tila’s ass as she goes. I think if Dani gets sent home tonight, she will still feel like the juice was worth the squeeze.

Back inside, Tila finds a mini-pack of lesbians and quickly inserts herself in their conversation. She asks them what they are looking for in a woman, and wacky Lala (a stylist from Richmond, Calif.) is eager to share. She’s all about keeping it “real,” like really, really “real.”

She thinks that she should be friends first with a girl and then whatever happens between her and that girl, well it’s all good, because they could still go “shopping and dancing.” This whole lesbians-go-shopping thing is some sort of a conspiracy. Or maybe “shopping” is a new euphemism for “foreplay.”

Moving on, Tila approaches a couple of girls, Chaos and Grace, doing what we do best: processing. In fact, Chaos is just about to launch into her tale of woe about her string of bad relationships when Tila stops by. Common sense would dictate that maybe you don’t talk about your string of bad relationships with your new potential love interest. But this is reality TV, and these are lesbians. Those rules simply don’t apply!

Chaos keeps talking and talking and talking. Cut to a separate shot of just Tila, who is suddenly now a dude. Finally alone, she talks to the camera about “chicks” being “too emotional” and grumbles: “We don’t always have to sit around here and talk about our feelings. You’re just gonna drive me crazy!”

Hey, could you get her a beer while you’re up? Thanks.

Tila gets out of the processing vortex as quickly and politely as possible and immediately heads for a couple of super cute girls. She’s not going to get sucked into another therapy session, so she cuts right to it. “Do you guys usually like to please or be pleased?”

Alrighty, then!

“What’s Her Face” (Tila’s pet name for Ellie) immediately answers the question by talking about how dominant she is, but it seems that Tila is already captivated by Vanessa, who says, “See, I like to be dominated …” So apparently, there was a correct answer to this question.

Tila makes out with Vanessa while What’s Her Face awkwardly looks on, then Tila gets up and heads out for her next conquest. Tila laughs and tells us proudly, “I’m such a douche bag.”

Slipping into something less comfortable — Having sampled most of the wares, Tila tells the women that now it’s time for them to change into the “sexy little outfits” that they’ve brought along that best describe “who they are in a relationship.”

Most of the 16 contestants are the kind of women that your mother would call “lipstick lesbians” (and be very proud of herself for even knowing the term). One could also call them femmes. I have an pretty good idea of what their “sexy little outfits” will probably look like — standard slinky fare from Victoria’s Secret.

But two of the contestants, Steffanie and Dani, definitely fall on the butch side of the spectrum. So what are they going to wear? And are they going to feel comfortable strutting their stuff in this environment that has an obvious femme-on-femme vibe? Hmm. What would I wear?

Wait, why am I even thinking about that?

What is essentially a fashion show kicks off with one of Tila’s favorites, Vanessa. Vanessa struts out in an outrageously sexy “naughty Catholic schoolgirl” uniform (this is definitely one of the hell-bound charter schools), tapping a ruler in her hand. Tila squirms in her chair with delight, and Vanessa tells us that she’s “a little bit naughtier than I look.”

Game over. Vanessa wins.

But alas, this is Tila’s show, not mine, so the show continues. Naughty nurses, naughty angels, naughty cats, naughty maids, naughty soldiers, naughty construction workers, and even naughty Girl Scouts make their way down the runway, all for Tila’s pleasure.

Tila tells us that while most are “beautiful, sexy, hot,” there are some “weird” ones. Cut to Steffanie (a photographer from Irvine, Calif.), one of the butch girls, who struts out in a Hugh Hefner-inspired robe. She tells Tila that she’s “the ultimate bachelor,” and that’s when we get some inspired feedback from the non-retarded, non-blind Amanda.

Amanda screws up her face and spits: “I think that a butchy girl is so creepy. Good God!” Funny, Amanda didn’t seem to think that her butch girlfriend, Mel, was “creepy” when they appeared together on Lifetime’s Secret Lives of Women episode about “Lipstick Lesbians” back in June. Women can be so fickle, can’t they? It’s kinda creepy.

The other butch contestant, Dani (a firefighter from Fort Lauderdale, Fla.) comes out wearing nothing but a sports bra and her, um, firefighting britches (do they have a special name?). Tila confesses that she usually goes for “lipstick lesbians,” but there’s “something about Dani …”

Things may just have gotten a lot more interesting around here.

Go home! — As with the men, Tila must eliminate five contestants tonight. To make matters worse, these women have to sit around in their “sexy little outfits” while waiting to get the boot. Being rejected on national television is one thing, but having it happen while wearing only caution tape and a (forced) smile is just tragic! As Tila deliberates upstairs, Amanda tells us, “I have really pretty blond hair, so it would be crazy to kick me off!”

Uh, yeah.

But someone has to go — five someones, to be exact. And those unlucky five are Scout, Ellie, Chaos, Brenda and Hey Girl Hey (Keasha). One by one, they hand over their keys to Tila.

Tila promises the remaining 11 contestants that the next day they will be having a pool party, and they react with as much glee as the guys did when she told them the same thing. Unfortunately, they’re all going to the same pool party.

The deep end — The next day, Tila lounges by the pool as the 11 male contestants vie for her attention. They flex their muscles, they dance badly, they (unintentionally) re-enact the famous Chris Farley/Patrick Swayze Chippendales bit from Saturday Night Live. And they’re all having a blast until Tila calls a halt to the festivities and announces ominously that she “has a secret.” The guys are captivated for a few seconds, until they notice 11 women sauntering toward them in bikinis and high heels (except for Steffanie and Dani, who are, naturally, wearing board shorts).

On the other side of the pool, the women approach and size up the men sitting across from them. Dani says, “I thought it was a bunch of lifeguards.” Vanessa wonders if maybe they’re all gay guys and this is just a “gay bash” (?). Predictably, Amanda says something that gets bleeped and ends with, “Gross!”

Tila dramatically proclaims her bisexuality to all of them, and the reaction shots are priceless. Some of the guys look like they’ve won the lottery, and some of the women look like they want their money back. Next week on A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila: Domenico wears his “Vagitarian” T-shirt, somebody falls off a stripper pole, and the lesbians turn violent with the guys when a friendly pillow fight goes awry.

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