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“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 3.06 “Do or Die”

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The bookworm: Nikki copes with a great loss. The berserker: Pam moves from the Muppet wing to G wing. The beastie: The Julies find a critter to care for.
Good news for the lifers – I wish the first line of every episode could be a Helen Stewart line. Even when the subject matter is ordinary, the delivery is always extraordinary.
Helen: Right. So some of you will have to get packing today, ’cause all the lifers on G wing are moving to single cells on the threes.
The lifers cheer, Nikki included, but I’ll bet she often wants to cheer in Helen’s presence. Shell wants to know whether Yvonne will be moved off the third level since she’s not a lifer. Helen says Yvonne is in isolation anyway, pending the inquiry into Charlie’s death. Sorry, not death; “murrrdurrr,” as Helen says so liltingly.

Shaz doesn’t want to move up with everyone else. She wants to stay in the four-bed dorm to welcome Denny back from the hospital. Wow, look at Shaz’s hair: That is some well-honed gelling technique. Helen says she’ll see how Denny’s doing when she visits her in the hospital that very afternoon. Of course Shaz wants to go along.

Shell: [to Shaz] Oy, bog brush. Get in the queue. I’m first, innit?
Next time you get the urge to stick a nail into someone, Shaz, try the blonde psycho.

Rubbish and rescue – The Julies are taking the rubbish out to the giant overstuffed bins. They hear something: a tiny meow. Behind the pile of black bags, they find a lovely little black cat. I’m surprised it doesn’t scamper away, given the extremely motherly look on the Julies’ faces as they say, “awwww!” Much scarier than a black cat – Helen is moving Pam (aka the psycho who attacked Shell on the Muppet wing) onto G wing. Fenner protests, but Helen suggests he might be the one who needs a counselor. Yeah, it’s sort of a weak comeback, but Fenner is simple-minded, so it gets to him.

Nikki is also moving up to G-3. She has bags of books with her, of course.

Shell: Here comes the mobile library.
Hee! Best. Line. Ever. (And even better with a British accent.)

Nikki passes by some other prisoners who say, “Hello, darling” very flirtatiously. It’s like she’s the Jill Bennett of G wing. Before she and Shell can get into a war of words, Helen arrives with Pam. Shell freezes and then looks down at Fenner. It’s like there’s a chain of fear, binding them all together. That and, um, actual chains, sometimes.

Fenner whines to Karen about Helen’s decision to move Pam onto the wing.

Karen: I’m sick of your anti—Helen Stewart campaign. It makes you sound like Sylvia.
Smacked down again! But Jim plays the sympathy card and says he just has to get a grip in the wake of his injury. Karen insists that a “weaker guy” would have left the service. Make up your mind, Karen: You insult him, you feel sorry for him, you love him, you don’t – hmm, does this remind you of anyone? Employees of the Home Office are pretty good at emotional whiplash.

In her new cell, Pam is spouting some pretty crazy talk about rosaries and decapitation. Helen assures her she’ll be fine, but I wish she’d assure me.

Getting her own assurance – Helen goes right to Nikki’s cell, where Nikki is caressing the copy of Sophie’s World Helen gave her oh so very long ago. Helen knocks, then strides in, her smile a little too broad. Might she have an agenda?

Helen: Nikki. Can I ask you to do me a favor? Nikki: [smiling coyly] Yeah. Helen: Can you introduce yourself to Pam Jolly and take her down to lunch with you? She’s gonna need a lot of support. She’s very scared. And who wouldn’t be, after what she’s been through?
Nikki doesn’t like this favor very much. Can you do me a favor instead, Nik? Get a haircut! What’s going on in the back?!

Nikki: She’s a scary one. Helen: So you agree with Jim Fenner? Listen, 12 years ago, Pam was at college, training to be a teacher. In less than a year she’ll be eligible for parole. The whole time she’s been in prison, I doubt a single person’s tried to have an intelligent conversation with her. I’m just asking you. Nikki: [sighing] All right. But you can’t win ’em all, you know? Helen: [sharply] What is that, a principle for action? Nikki: No. It’s just an “I care about you.”
Helen’s face softens and she asks Nikki to just give Pam a chance. They smile a truce at each other.

I don’t know. I sometimes want to shake Helen and say, “Do you see how much she loves you?” And also, “Do you really think you can save a psycho like Podger Pam?” Oh, and, “Oh, my God, how did you get to be so very gorgeous?!” But anyway.

The Julies’ cathouse – The Julies are putting the cat to bed – in their cell. Yes, they’ve smuggled him in. They decide to name him Tinker. And then it suddenly occurs to Julie S. that what goes in must come out, and they don’t exactly have a litterbox.

Even stinkier than a litterbox – Jim wants to know whether Karen has plans tonight. He suggests they go back to her place, and she assumes this is because he’s still prone to visits from his wife. Despite this apparent savvy, she agrees to meet him after work. Sigh. I’m so disappointed in you, Karen.

Josh, Di and Gina saunter in. They tease Josh about being the “baby screw” and tell him to make the tea. Somehow Di and Gina end up alone in the office, and Gina makes a joke about Karen wanting to be the filling in a Fenner—Josh sandwich. Ick.

Di: Do you have to be so crude? Gina: What you got between your legs, darling? A picture of Jesus.
Nice one, Gina. But let’s not talk about Di’s “down there.” I shudder to think.

Tension and trays – Nikki helps Pam get her food. Everyone’s nervous, and also whispering about Pam. Shaz jokes that Pam is Nikki’s new girlfriend.

Nikki: You got something to say, Sharon?
Oooo. I love that everyone’s so scared of Nikki – and for no apparent reason. When’s the last time she attacked someone? Season 1? But it’s really all about attitude.

Shell is nice to Pam, mostly because she’s terrified. She brings her to the front of the lunch line and then warns her to watch “that lezzie Wade,” who might steal her food. This scares Pam and everyone laughs as she runs back to her cell.

Nikki: You’re a sick bitch, Dockley.
See? Attitude!

Diplomacy – Helen invites Shaz to go along to see Denny in the hospital, as long as she doesn’t tell Shell about it, that is. I know you’ve worn those clothes before, Helen, but that doesn’t make them any less fetching. Helen also asks Nikki about Pam, but doesn’t stay to chat. Do you ever feel kind of used, Nikki? Not that that’s so terrible, if Helen is the user. Sweet dreams are made of this.

The two Julies stop Nikki to talk about compost. Or, rather, manure: Couldn’t she use some? Like, some from a cat?

The worst thing I’ve ever seen – Someone’s setting light to a pile of books. Wait. Isn’t that a copy of Sophie’s World? Don’t those books look kind of familiar?

Gina and Di rush in to put out the flames. The books are nothing but ash by the time they get there.

The hospital – Denny’s out of danger, but the doctor is still in scold mode. Shaz feels bad enough. She kneels down by an unconscious Den and tries to talk to her. Helen looks on sadly.

Denny comes around, of course. Helen tells her not to try to talk.

Shaz: You’re gonna be OK, Den. Just a couple o’ weeks. Helen: [smiling] Then you’ll be back in the dorm with Shaz.
Don’t you love the way Helen seems to have embraced the joy of sapphic love now, and wants it for all people everywhere? Or something like that.

A cat flap – The Julies want to put a cat flap in Nikki’s potting shed. Nikki suggests digging a tunnel instead, so it won’t be so obvious. And when she suggests it, you can see the wheels turning – she loves a good construction/gardening challenge. She’s so handy!

The cat is adorable, but what a silly story line.

Believing against all odds – In her office, Helen is trying to encourage Pam to make the most of her time on G wing. Pam just fondles her rosary as Shell pretends to be interested in being a “good neighbor.” Why is Helen meeting with these two at the same time? It’s like putting Bush and Clinton in the same room and expecting them to be buddies. It’s not working any better than that would.

Di interrupts to tell Helen about the cell fire on G-3. Not just G-3: Nikki’s cell. You can almost see Helen’s heart sink. Shell doesn’t look perturbed in the slightest, of course.

More than she can bear – Nikki sighs over her charred books.

Nikki: [cradling Sophie’s World] First thing you ever gave me. Helen: I’ll buy you another copy. Nikki: I warned you not to bring that fat head case up here. But you always know best, don’t ya? Helen: Everyone on this unit is a suspect, Nikki, including yourself. I’m not accusing anyone till I’ve got proof.
And she gets up and stomps out. Crap, are these two fighting again?! She pauses at the door as if she wants to apologize, but then walks off anyway.

Helen. Try to understand that Nikki has just lost the means to free her mind while behind bars. It’s a tragedy!

The wing office – Karen tells the screws about the cell fire. Fenner is sure Pam is to blame. Helen says Pam has no motive; Jim says Pam doesn’t need a motive because she’s a “nutter.”

Karen: It could just be books make a good bonfire, Helen. We can’t assume – Helen: Well, don’t let’s assume anything. All right?
And she stomps off again. This episode could be called “Helen’s dramatic exits.”

So Helen goes directly to Pam’s cell to talk to her. Pam is in her own world of rosaries and demons and doesn’t answer Helen’s questions. Helen looks around Pam’s cell and notices Pam has stuck sanitary pads to her mirror to cover it up. She goes right to Dr. No-no to ask him why someone would do such a thing.

Dr. Nicholson: The woman’s criminally insane. Helen: I’m sorry, Doctor; that isn’t a diagnosis. That’s an oxymoron, isn’t it? Dr. Nicholson: What? Helen: Well, if she’s insane, how can she be held responsible for a crime? And vice versa?
Woo! Beauty and brains. The doc dismisses her, probably because he know she’s right. You can’t argue with logic, especially not when it’s presented with that accent. They go back and forth a little more, the idealist and the narcissist.
Helen: Can I just clarify a point, Doctor Nicholson? Do you or your staff have any specialized psychiatric or mental health training?
He just sort of scoffs. A woman on a mission is a lovely thing to behold.

Poor Josh – Di wants to take Josh for his first drink in the officers’ club. He says he can’t do it; he has to meet a mate. She tries to tag along and won’t go quietly.

Di: Oh, just say it, Josh. You’re embarrassed to be seen with me.
Well, I know I am, anyway. She apologizes, but he already thinks she’s psycho – and so does the soundtrack.

And poor Karen – Fenner tells Karen he’s in love with her and wants to move in. OK, now I’m the one who needs psychiatric help. That is crazy-making!

Comic relief – Nikki! In a towel! Wait, why does she have spots all over her body?

Nikki: Thanks to your mangy mog, my body’s bit to buggery.
Whoa. I think that means she has fleas, not the other kind of buggery.

She tells the Julies they’ll have to find a way to get Tinker a flea treatment or he’ll have to move out of the potting shed. Guess who’s listening to all this from one of the bathroom stalls? Shell, of course. Nikki promises Shell her face will need surgery if she tells Karen about the cat. Nikki’s a badass even when flea-bitten.

Shell: What are you saying that for? Like I’m not a cat lover? Nikki: I know exactly what you are, doll. And I’m warning ya. Shell: [as Nikki leaves] Don’t have to lick pussies to like ’em, do ya?
Shell sure is getting all the zingers in this episode. And she seems sincere about helping. Who knows what she’s up to?

Gina, Di and Josh – Ugh. This is the most ridiculous love triangle ever.

While the screws are standing around, Shaz asks Josh whether he’s heard from Crystal. Di wants to know what that means. Josh gets all uncomfortable. I can’t decide which of them is stupidest. Uh, more stupid? Wait, I know: It’s me, for recapping this.

Hearing things – Pam is outside by the potting shed, wondering why she hears beastie sounds. It’s the cat, but to her it sounds like the devil.

Meanwhile, Di and Josh stroll by and talk about Sylvia’s stolen anniversary clock. Di says Crystal is the only possible culprit. Josh pretends to be even stupider than he is.

Suddenly Pam lunges at the potting shed, screaming, “Die! Die!” Run, Tinker, run! He does, and he doesn’t come back. Later, Shell suggests Pam has actually taken the cat and gets everyone to suspect her. Buki even gets riled up about it, but it’s not exactly hard to rile up Buki.

They all storm into Pam’s cell, but Pam just giggles and counts her rosary some more. Without warning, Buki jumps on her and starts kicking her, hard. What is going on in this episode?! Book burnings, cats, fleas, assaults? This is what happens when Shell starts stirring things up. Next thing you know, Pam is sobbing on the floor and all the screws are in trouble for not watching her. Jim especially – because he’s been out drinking again, or so says Di. Karen tells him to take some time off and get some counseling. He says he can pull himself together, really, he can, really, honest. Why can’t anyone see through this guy?

Choosing sides – In Karen’s office, Helen tries to defend Pam. But Karen is convinced Pam doesn’t belong on G wing and threatens to go right to Simon to get her moved back to the Muppet wing. How can you question Helen when she’s wearing red? Have you no eyes? Helen wants to get Pam assessed by an independent psychiatrist and promises to take full responsibility if Pam continues to misbehave. Karen agrees, reluctantly. I knew the red would work.

Get your hands off her – Helen meets the independent psychiatrist, Dr. Thomas Waugh. He flirts with her almost immediately. He can’t believe Pam hasn’t been referred to him before. He tries to get through to Pam, even with her demonic fantasies and all, and seems to partly succeed. Helen is very impressed. Ick.

Oh, and by the way, Pam killed a gas man by setting him on fire – because she thought he was the devil. The word nutter does seem kind of appropriate. Dr. Waugh prefers to think of her as a paranoid schizophrenic. Helen, must you be so swayed by his evident intellect? Nikki’s smart too, dammit!

Helen goes right to Karen and reports Dr. Waugh’s assessment, including his opinion of Dr. Nicholson, which is that he’s a quack. Karen and Helen go to Simon to report Dr. No-no’s incompetence.

A homecoming – Denny’s back! Her tongue looks much better. As in it’s not completely swollen and bleeding all over everything. She and Shaz embrace and all is right in the four-bed dorm. A fresh start – Pam is taking her meds and has taken the sanitary pads down from the mirror. Helen stops by to tell her she may even get to go to an “open prison” soon. Well, what an extremely dramatic and rapid recovery.

Nikki stops by too, to invite Pam to do some gardening with her. I guess Dr. Waugh really has saved the day.

Helen couldn’t be prouder of Nikki. And Nikki’s all embarrassed. Awww. Elsewhere, Denny is also trying to make a fresh start, by getting in touch with her mother. But first she has to find her; all she can do now is leave a message with someone (we have no idea whom). After she hangs up the phone, Josh asks her about Hollamby’s clock. He eventually confesses that he and Crystal are living together and are engaged. He swears her to secrecy and she promises to hold her newly pierced tongue. She also lies through her teeth, insisting that Crystal didn’t steal the clock. That’s a good friend.

All’s well that ends well – The Julies cry over their lost cat. They agree it’s time to let him go. But this time Nikki saves the day: She has found little Tinker. And guess what? He’s a she, with kittens! Too. Much. Cuteness. Nikki tells Helen about the kittens, and Helen agrees to arrange for Monica Lindsey to come pick them up. Sheesh, so many rescues in this episode.

Nikki: Gotta apologize to you. You were dead right about Pam Jolly. Helen: Well, you were right. I was puttin’ my neck on the block.
You were right. No, you were right. No, I love you. No, I love you! That’s what I’m reading between the lines.
Helen: I really feel I can change things now. [turning, then pausing] Nearly forgot. [takes out a new copy of Sophie’s World] I know it’s not the same, but …
Nikki opens the book. There’s an inscription: “Until we meet on the outside. — H” Even. More. Cuteness. Nikki gets all misty-eyed. Not me. I would never. Nope.

Some other minor things happen, like Pam suddenly having lots of friends and Di stalking Josh and the doctor getting fired and Shell taunting Jim, but who cares? Helen gave her the book! Again! With the inscription! Swoon.

Oh, and one major thing happens – Helen goes to the wing office to get Pam Jolly’s file. Fenner is there, smoking in the dark, fuming, having been pushed over the edge by Shell. He gives Helen the file and then suddenly slams her against the filing cabinet.

Fenner: Shall I show you what you really want?
He puts his hand between her legs. She’s terrified, but she manages to break free and run out. Oh, my God.

Where’s a broken bottle when you need one? And why did this episode have, like, six endings instead of one? I’m spent.

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Helen tries to heal; Nikki tries to fix things; Bodybag is back.

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