Workin’ on their fitness – Are you ready for a montage? It’s been a while since I’ve seen one of those. The last time was probably on South Park, when they were making fun of montage sequences in a … montage.
This particular montage consists of a series of shots of a shirtless (natch) Aiden slugging away at a punching bag, intercut with Madison twirling around like she’s at the Stevie Nicks Cheer Camp. I hate most sports, and I don’t really pay much attention to Aiden, so whether he’s a realistic pugilist or not is completely lost on me.
But as a Madison aficionado and a person who will gladly drop everything to watch a hot girl dance, I can say that Madison does not look like a professional dancer in the making. Yeah, she’s like a younger, hotter Paula Abdul, but she just does the same moves over and over, shot from different angles. If the show is going to present Madison as the next Ginger Rogers, they should really invest in a choreographer or hire one of those Beals-tastic doubles.
After a lot of mutual sweating, the two run into each other on the steps outside the gym. Sparks fly. Ah, young lust. Will their not-so-eternal flame be rekindled?
You can’t do that on television – Cut to Aiden’s jeep. Madison and Aiden are giggling conspiratorially like the schoolgirls we all wish they were. It looks like she’s bringing her head up from his lap. What the heck is going on in there? They’re talking about how good “it” was. And I don’t think they’re talking about their workouts.
Suddenly, Madison starts babbling about being “out of shape.” What? She’s a maniac. A maniac on the floor! That girl has a sick body, and luckily Aiden tells her so. (He’s nice to lesbians, and he tells cute girls that they really aren’t fat. It’s hard to find fault with the guy.)
He tells her that he’s been stressed because he hasn’t heard back from USC’s Marshall School of Business about his application. Um, Aiden doesn’t strike me as business major. But then again, I guess people can make businesses out of all sorts of ridiculous ideas.
Aiden tells her that he’s not looking for anything serious, and Madison quickly shoots him down. Yeah, he was just a booty call for her too. Then, out of nowhere, Aiden references Douglas Coupland and his term for “hookups between friends” – “fighting crime.”
Girl on film – Back at Chez Davies, the Creepy Sex Blogger is doing a “photo shoot” (is the lens cover even off his camera?) with Kyla. He’s barking orders at her: “Go crazy! Be creative! Flip around!” But somehow saying all of this to Kyla seems more like playing Simon Says with a 9-year-old.
She giggles and turns upside down on the couch as he snaps away. It’s not sexy; it’s disturbing. It’s just so not Kyla.
They stop to make out, and sweet little innocent Kyla suggests that maybe it’s time to turn the camera off. Oh no, Creepy Sex Blogger tells her, there are people on the East Coast waiting to see these photos so that they will know how to dress themselves like an L.A. “it” girl.
Kyla, who started drinking her own Ego-fueled Kool-Aid a couple of episodes back, buys into this nonsense. She is giggling and proclaiming “We are the party” when the sister who would know her way around a racy photo shoot enters the room.
“‘Scuse me!” Ashley barks, “What’s up with the kitchen?” CSB has covered the kitchen floor with a tarp for the photo shoot (WTF? Is he planning to hack Kyla up into little pieces and shove her into his computer bag?), and now Ashley can’t get to the food. He rolls his eyes and goes to clean up the mess, and Kyla gives Ashley a lecture about being a “buzz kill.”
Ashley snarks at her for letting him “cop free feels” (should he be paying?) when Kyla retorts, “Ever since I found the Eternal Spirit within me, I filter out all sarcasm.” I’m not sure what this means, but if it’s true then she hasn’t heard a peep from Ashley in weeks. Or from me, for that matter.
Then Kyla breaks it down:
Kyla: You need to tune into one simple fact. If I get hot, you get hot. We’re sisters!
Though it sounds like a tagline for a feature at the TomKat Theatre, there is probably some wisdom behind this sentiment. The world loves a trashy sister act.
CSB snaps a picture of this family moment, and Ashley threatens him with a lawsuit. She’s so sexy when she’s feeling litigious!
The girl in the bubble — Irritable, litigious and, I’m guessing, still hungry, Ashley calls Spencer to bitch about her charmed life. She whines, “I feel like I’m trapped in my own apartment.” I resist the urge to reach into my TV set and give her a whack upside the head.
Spencer says that maybe Ashley’s just jealous of all the attention that Kyla is getting from CSB, but before Ashley can protest, she gets another call. It’s Ethan, her late father’s “gopher” who is pestering her, she says with exasperation, about “producing some CD with him.” God, I hate when that happens!
Spencer fawns all over her, just like the olden days. “What’s wrong with that?” she says sweetly. “You’ve got the talent, you’ve got the passion. You could be a total rock star.”
She does? She could? Ashley hasn’t tried to be a singer since the first season of SoN. I thought she was over that.
“I have no interest in being famous,” Ashley snaps. And that’s when Spencer tells her how it’s not about the fame, it’s about the music, man!
Her naïve, heartfelt plea gets through to Ash, who relents and agrees to meet with the gopher, on the condition that Spencer goes with her. Sensible Spence sighs and says: “Yes, I will go with you. Call him back.” She is wife material. I heart her. And so does Ashley.
Drugs are bad — Downstairs at the Carlin abode, Glen is frantically searching for his key card for work. His dad comes downstairs and asks him why he’s not at work yet. Glen tells him and Arthur asks, with unprecedented sarcasm (Paula usually hordes that for herself), “What, are you on drugs again?”
Was he trying to be funny? It wasn’t. Was he trying to be mean? It was, but why would you bring out that kind of heavy artillery over such a small thing? It’s just not like him. Uh oh, I fear that Arthur has caught Identity Crisisitis from Kyla, Madison and Paula. No SoN character is safe! Spencer, run! Save yourself now!
Glen is understandably hurt. “Why do you guys always think I’m on drugs?”
Arthur tells him, “I’m just trying to find a logical reason for why you’re so irresponsible.” Because he misplaced a key card? Jeez, if Arthur had to deal with my antics, he’d think I was a crack head!
So long, sucker — Back at King High, Chelsea asks Spencer if she’s talked to Carmen recently, and rather than say something along the lines of, “No, but my mama made her a big fat knuckle sandwich and I really want her to come and get it,” she stammers out an embarrassed “no,” as if she, and not Miss Fistacuffs, had done something wrong.
Chelsea is baffled because she received a “goodbye text” from Carmen, saying that she’s moving to San Diego. Spencer looks relieved, but that’s her little secret. When Chelsea asks if something happened between them, Spencer says pensively, “It doesn’t matter now; she’s gone.”
Nah, the real nutbags are relentless. Spencer hasn’t seen the last of her yet.
She changes the subject to Chelsea’s little spawn o’ Clay. Chelsea tells her that the baby hasn’t been moving, but then tries to convince Spencer (and herself) that this doesn’t mean anything might be wrong. She rattles off a bunch of gothic “old wives’ tales” about doomed pregnancies, then adds with considerable perkiness, “If you take care of yourself, the baby does, too.”
Um, if that were true in this case, would we really be having this conversation? I think this is the pregnancy equivalent of “I heard a noise. I’m going to go check it out — you stay here. I’ll be right back.”
This can’t be good — Glen goes to King High in search of Chelsea, hoping she has found his mythical key card at her studio. Glen whines, “I can’t tell them I lost it already.” Before you can say “heavy-handed foreshadowing,” an eerie trill of music erupts and Chelsea stoops over in classic “My baby!” posture, clutching the wall and moaning in pain! Oh noooooooo!
Paging Dr. MILF — He may be a sober, key card-less lame brain, but at least Glen knew enough to get Chelsea to the hospital. She’s sitting with him in the waiting room doing the whole “I’ll be fine!” routine, just about to get up and go home, when Mama Carlin enters the picture. She tells Chelsea that it wouldn’t hurt to “run some tests,” and carts Chelsea away.
OK, Chelsea needs a new pregnancy pillow. It’s like they’re not even trying to make it authentic. In that dress, it just looks like she’s got a giant hacky sack strapped to her torso!
Not having the time of her life — Spencer is hovering over Clay’s shrine at King High when Carmen sees her and makes her way over.
Carmen: Waiting for someone? Someone who’s not me apparently. It’s cool, I’m unarmed.
Yeah, dumb ass, you were “unarmed” when you threw her up against the wall last week, too.
Spencer doesn’t say anything at first, and she looks genuinely afraid of Carmen. Something about seeing Spencer scared of some dumb brute brings out the “Nobody puts baby in a corner!” urge in me. I feel like I should leap into the air and toss my perfectly coiffed blond mane about while fondling Jennifer Grey.
Maybe later.
Anyway, Spencer asks Carmen her own sweet version of “WTF are you still doing here?”
Carmen: I’m sick of moving. I was thinking I could find somewhere to crash, find a way to stick around. That is, if I have a reason to stick around. I know I got a little crazy the other night, but it will never happen again, I swear.
Spencer: Losing your temper is one thing, but Carmen, you were completely out of control. You hit me.
Carmen: I didn’t mean to hit you.
Spencer: You can’t even admit it.
Carmen: [raising her voice] It was one time!
Spencer: Until it’s another and another and — I’m sorry but I can’t —
Carmen: It’s OK, it’s OK. I get it. I guess it’s San Diego or bust.
Yeah, or bust your chops, jerk. Scram.
Much to my surprise, Ashley rolls up on her black steed/sports car to save the day. She calls out, “Hey sexy, looking for a ride?”
Which quickly turns Spencer’s frown upside down.
Have you any dreams you’d like to sell? — At the Farmer’s Market, Aiden is yammering about USC again to the cute Psych major from UCLA. I don’t even believe him when he says he wants to go, or that he thinks he will be accepted. But he’s insisting that the shooting inspired him to follow in his father’s (and grandfather’s) footsteps.
Aiden’s a sensitive guy, so it only takes a couple of minutes for him to admit that what he’s really looking for is some free therapy from a hot, unlicensed nonprofessional.
He admits that he’s been having violent dreams and that he’s paranoid. That’s when Madison arrives and sees him at the table with the cute coed. The look on her face makes it clear that she is not happy about their little meeting. We all know Madison can break a little crazy, so maybe Aiden’s having premonitions?
Back in the olden days — Ash and Spencer walk into a fancy bar for their meeting with the gopher, who greets them with an archaic, “Ashley Davies, as I live and breathe …”
The gopher looks kind of like that irritating little snarkster, Mo Rocca. Ugh. Now I don’t like him.
Hey! Wait a minute! I know him! The guy playing the Rocca-like is Sean Wing! He’s a really good actor and a sweet guy. And his wife, Mara Marini, is a really good actor and a total bombshell. Vavoom! I love living in Los Angeles. You grocery shop with the stars and see your friends on TV with shocking regularity.
Anywho, the gopher (who is suddenly a lot less annoying to me) tells Ashley, in not so many words, that she sure did grow up nice. He’s looking her up and down as Spencer watches, clearly uncomfortable. Ashley introduces them to one another, but Spence is obviously the third wheel. She offers a lame, “Um, I’ll go mingle,” and heads over to the bar. Alone. Uh, there is no one there to mingle with, sweetie. She’s surrounded by glassware. Hmm, maybe Spencer’s got a little music in her blood too?
Sing, sing a song — The gopher tells Ashley that her dad (played by former Poison front man C.C. Deville in the first two seasons of SoN) gave him his start in the music biz, and that’s why he wants to produce a tribute album of his tunes recorded by those closest to him.
He asks about the condition of her “pipes,” and Ashley leaps to her feet for an impromptu recital.
She belts out part of a baleful little tune before he stops to ask what she’s singing. Why, it’s an original composition. Um, thanks but no thanks. He wants to hear her take on one of her dad’s songs. She obliges, and he is obviously pleased. Something tells me she didn’t sing this one.
Rejected and dejected — At the gym, Madison is making a production out of telling Aiden how much it didn’t bother her that he was having lunch with another girl.
She’s being characteristically bitchy, and I’m glad to see that she seems to be recuperating from her bout of Identity Crisisitis. The downside is that she blabbers on about it and some other stuff until poor, PTSD-stricken Aiden snaps at her. He apologizes, explaining that he’s upset because he was rejected by USC.
Everything’s gonna be all right, rockabye — It looks like Chelsea and her little one are in the clear. Dr. MILF gives her a clean bill of health (apparently Chelsea has “small kidneys”), and tells her to take it easy.
Chelsea squeaks, “Thank you, Paula — um, I mean Mrs. Carlin,” and Paula allows her to continue to draw air. Chelsea places Paula’s hand on her hacky sack so that she can feel her grandchild kick, and Paula gets all teary. Aww.
As Glen and Chelsea prepare to leave the hospital, a hit-and-run driver (Lindsay Lohan? Britney Spears? Paula Abdul? George Michael? It could be any of them) slams into Glen’s car.
The bad news is that Chelsea is sitting in the front seat when it happens. The airbags deploy, the car alarm bleats, Glen screams”No, no, no!” and I’m pretty sure we’ve just seen the last of the “Chelsea’s Pregnant!” story line.
My, that was tidy.
Baby I’m a star … kinda — It looks like Ashley is going to get to be a big music star after all! The gopher is rushing about to get the rights to the perfect song for her to sing, and Spencer is right there by her side to tell her how amazing she is and how much she deserves it.
As they stand at the bar discussing Ashley’s amazingness and planning her eminent future of rock debauchery, Spencer’s hands start to wander to Ashley’s shoulder, then her face, they move closer together, and … and …
And the gopher returns with some bad news. For Ash, that is. The investors aren’t interested unless Kyla and her Eternal Spirit show up to sing along with Ashley. Apparently her “fashion blog” (?) is all the rage. So no Kyla, no dice.
This is the end — As I suspected, this has turned into a Very Special Episode of South of Nowhere. Chelsea lost her baby, and Paula, of all people, is comforting her in the hospital room where she’s recovering.
Paula tells her that it would have been a baby girl, and the two embrace. The story line was predictable, but they’re both such good actors that the moment is genuine.
Next time on South of Nowhere: Aiden channels his inner Sean Penn, and Spencer goes to the movies with — gasp! — a boy!
The video blog (We’re Getting Nowhere) for this episode will be posted on Thursday, so check back for it then!
