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“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 3.01 “Back From the Brink”

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The brokenhearted: Nikki faces the prospect of life without Helen. The bleeder: Shell returns a little of the pain Fenner is so quick to dole out. The brayers: All the inmates yell. A lot.
A reminder – Let’s see, where were we? Oh, right: Nikki escaped, and she and Helen totally did it. And Helen said, “Nikki! What the ffff—,” and Shell aimed a broken bottle at Fenner, and Bodybag got all messed up on ecstasy, and everything added up to me being gobsmacked and goofy – that is, until I started screaming with the agony of wondering what happened next. So here’s what the ffff— happened next.

Shell’s bordello of blood – As he slides his slimy self all over Shell, Fenner hears a noise in the hall. He decides it’s nothing and they’ll be fine if they’re careful. Speaking of that, I wonder whether he ever uses a condom? Sorry; it’s not nice of me to give you that mental image right at the beginning of a recap.

Helen’s boudoir of bliss – Helen hangs up the telephone. Remember? The phone? The one she was going to use to report Nikki’s jailbreak? She’s not going to let her principles commandeer her heart! She’s not going to ruin everything! Well done, Miss Stewart. We knew you couldn’t really turn your bird over to the coppers.

Then she does something that’s probably best described as “steeling herself.” Only with Helen, it’s more like “gilding” because it very much enhances her appearance. She keeps her face as still as she can as she turns to face Nikki, who’s now back in her nurse uniform. Damn: The nakedness was so very brief.

Nikki: Did you get a cab OK? Helen: Nikki, you’re not gonna get to San Francisco. Nikki: Huh? Helen: It’s a 12-hour flight. Think. Nikki: I’m not gonna go direct. Helen: It doesn’t matter. Your passport’s gonna be red hot wherever. Nikki: [getting exasperated] It won’t be my passport. I’ll use Trish’s. I’ve got the wig. Helen: [sighing and looking grim] Nikki: [tugging Helen’s hand like a child] Helen, please: All I need is a cab. Helen: [sternly, like] Nooo. Nikki: Well, if you’re worried about calling one here, I’ll – Helen: I am trying to get you to think things thrrrrough. What about the nurse, if you’re not back tomorrow?
My, does her accent get deliciously thick when she’s anxious.
Nikki: It’ll be those piss-head screws in the s—. There’s nothing they can pin on her. She’ll be on a plane herself in a few days.
Helen keeps looking up and away as if there are some answers in the ceiling somewhere. Or as if she’s watching the steam rising from her own angry head.
Nikki: [facing Helen, holding her gaze] Darlin’, it’s us we gotta look after. Helen: Which is why I’m begging you: Don’t be stupid. Nikki: You’ll soon know I’m safe.
Nikki has that whole calm-in-the-middle-of-a-storm thing going on, sure that she’s doing the right thing. And, well, there’s the fact that she was very recently in Helen’s bed. That’ll make a girl feel confident, I expect. Helen searches Nikki’s eyes and sighs, as if she sees there’s no way around that kind of resolve.
Nikki: [amusedly] Can you lend me 20 quid for a cab? Helen: [brusquely, pushing Nikki’s hand away] I’ll drive you. Nikki: [calling after Helen, who has clomped off to get dressed] Love it when you’re bossy!
It’s so weird when the writers read my mind like that. Isn’t that what we were all shouting at the screen just then? That, and “Love it when you’re extra Scottish!”

Fenner’s folly – I cannot stand the sight of Fenner’s hand on Shell’s thigh. Oh, good, Karen’s there to relieve my eyes. Hmm, her hair looks shorter. Guess she got it cut; she had plenty of time to do that between the end of the party and now, which is, uh, immediately after the party.

Karen talks to the guards on duty and learns that Fenner hasn’t closed up shop the way he’s supposed to. So she stomps onto the wing, looking for a fight. She soon gets one, in the form of an inhuman howl, which is apparently the sound Fenner makes when a broken bottle is plunged into his considerable gut.

Shell smiles and twists the bottle before pulling it back out. Soon the whole wing is alive and yelling as Shell taunts her prey. Karen goes right to the source of the sound and starts to unlock the cell door, but Shell pushes the nearest piece of furniture in front of it and waggles the bottle at Karen through the peephole, spitting, “Piss off, you bitch!”

Hey, Shell: Gutting Fenner like a fish is one thing, but calling Karen a bitch? Too far.

During the montage of everyone waking up in their cells, we get a little glimpse of Denny and Shaz, spooning in their tiny bunk. Aww. We also see Yvonne, who is happily lighting a smoke and saying to herself, “She’s got him.” Elsewhere, Barbara looks down at an empty bunk and hisses “Nikki!” at the unresponsive air.

Shell kicks Fenner off the bed so she can move the bed in front of the door too. Whoa – she kicked him, bleeding and shrieking, off the bed! She’s such a sadist, and such a gleeful one.

Karen starts to try to get a handle on the “hostage situation” while Shell hollers from her cell, saying she won’t talk to anyone until Fenner admits he’s a rapist. Fenner tries to reason with her, desperate to save his own life.

Shell: Do you want another poke in the pudding?
I shouldn’t giggle. I can’t help it. But I must admit he’s not looking too healthy.

We’re on a road to nowhere – Helen drives like an old lady and stares ahead without speaking. Nikki sits in the passenger seat, wearing her bad wig and trying to make small talk. It’s like they’ve already been married 40 years and are on their way to the grandkids’ school for the holiday concert. How will Helen be able to rrroll her R’s when she has dentures?!

Nikki: It’s gonna be hell, waiting for you. Probably be months, won’t it? Listen, Helen, if you ever … [interrupting herself as a horn honks behind them] I forget I look a total prat. Dusty Springfield’s ugly sister, eh? [smiling] Worked all right on your gormless gateman, though. He thought I was a right dizzy blonde. Helen: Do you really think you’da gone back to prison, Nikki? Nikki: What? Helen: If you hadn’t seen that letter. Nikki: Why; do you wish you hadn’t shown it to me now? Helen: No, I mean if we still had hope for your appeal like we did, and we’d spent this night together, do you honestly think you’da gone back to prison? Nikki: [pensively] Yeah. I would’ve, yeah. Helen: Why? Nikki: ‘Cause I really did think we were gonna win it.
Helen just looks stunned and sort of moves her tongue around aimlessly in her mouth. She’s probably checking the seal on her dentures.

On a more serious note, the close calls on this show are maddening. How can so many things go ever so slightly yet so very horribly wrong? Lorna almost gets away with bringing drugs in for Shell; Monica’s son dies just before his mum is released from prison; Yvonne almost has a threesome with Nikki and Helen. OK, except for that last one.

A fountain of Fenner – Jim thinks he’ll soon bleed to death, but Shell says it’s not as much blood as women lose in childbirth. She does have her own inner logic, doesn’t she?

A fork in the road – Helen and Nikki are at a stoplight. Nikki tells Helen to make a right turn, then goes back to ruminating about how things would have been different if she still had hope for her appeal.

Nikki: I’d have been more determined than ever, now I’ve got you.
Helen lurches the car forward, not making that recommended right turn. She locks the doors, which doesn’t seem very friendly to Nikki.
Nikki: What?! What’re you doing? Helen: I’m taking you back to Larkhall. Nikki: Huh? Helen: There’s-no-escape-I’ve-already-called-the-police
OK, wait. It’s all very suspenseful, yes, but I have to comment on a couple of clunky lines. First, whenever Nikki says “huh” like that, she seems like a bratty adolescent. She even grimaces like one. Silly. Second, I put those hyphens in Helen’s line because she says it so flatly and robotically, without any kind of punctuation or inflection. I know how that goes, Helen: I can’t really carry on a conversation while I’m driving either.
Helen: If you give yourself up at the gate, I’ll say that you only escaped to make a protest to me about your appeal. Nikki: Noooo. Helen: I promise. Nikki: [shouting] Noooo!
Nikki grabs the steering wheel and makes them swerve into the right lane, which is not the right, er, correct, lane in the U.K. They almost have a head-on collision, but granny-driver Helen manages to get the car back under control. But not before the police notice.

Soon the sirens wail and Helen and Nikki pull over, awaiting their doom. But look at that copper. Looks friendly, wouldn’t you say? Not in the sense of affable, but in the sense of which cricket team she bats for. Helen gets out of the car to talk to the copper. Wow, if you get out of the car in the U.S., you’re pretty much guaranteed to get slammed up against it, to the tune of “spread ’em.”

Officer Butchly: You been drinking, madam? Helen: No, I haven’t. I saw a cat; I thought it was gonna run out in front of me. Officer Butchly: [mocking] A cat? Helen: Under a car. That’s why I swerved. Look, I’m very happy to take a breath test.
Really? Have you forgotten those vodka shots you and Nikki were doing in your post-coital bliss? Maybe only Nikki was doing those; after all, she was the one who had to somehow cope with the mind-blowing sight of Helen in the buff.

Officer Butchly strolls over to the passenger side and peeks in at Nikki. Something in her seems to soften a little.

Officer Butchly: You nurses?
Helen nods and smiles. Officer Butchly looks over at the other police officer, who is also simultaneously stern and, well, friendly. They nod and exchange what can only be called knowing smiles.
Officer Butchly: You’d better get home to your bed, then, girls. Helen: Cheers. Officer Butchly: Go careful. [winking]
Oh, come on. It was interesting while it was subtle, but she actually winked!

Helen just smiles and gets back in the car, knowing better than to look a gift dyke in the mouth. She and Nikki wait until the police car pulls away, then get back to disagreeing.

Nikki: [bitterly] Why don’t you turn me in? Helen: Shut up.
Woo! Nikki rips off her bad wig in disgust. Helen reminds her that the plan is for her to turn herself in at the prison. Her phone rings before she can say more: It’s Karen, asking Helen to come to Larkhall to help them with the “major incident” that is Fenner’s exploding innards.

Helen pulls away ultra-carefully, checking her mirrors about 18 times and rolling on in her geriatric way. It’s almost like Simone Lahbib had to learn to drive just in order to do this scene.

Helen: This is a perfect cover to get you back inside. Nikki: What? Helen: I thought I was gonna have to drive around till morning. It’ll be mayhem now. Nikki: Just a second. Helen: Look, no one knows that you’ve escaped. I didn’t call the police. I still can, and will if you try and make a run for it. Nikki: What do you mean, you didn’t call the police? Helen: I dialed 999 but I couldn’t go through with it. I just want to get you safely back to your cell. With any luck.
Nikki just sighs and fumes. Helen tries to comfort her, stroking her cheek, but Nikki pulls away.
Helen: Nikki, if we want a future, the only chance we’ve got is to keep fighting for your appeal.
More silent steaming from Nikki. That is one tense, glacial-paced Peugeot.

Hollamby’s house – Bodybag looks like her moniker; she’s passed out on the couch in her party dress. But the phone is ringing, and she eventually identifies the source of the sound. It’s Larkhall, of course, summoning her to duty.

Even higher tension – Karen is still barking orders and trying to figure out how to get Fenner some help and Shell some restraints. The cool-as-a-cucumber Wing Governor holds out her own hand and watches it tremble. It’s OK, Miss Betts: I’d be shaking too, with Shell in full psycho mode like this. Unhinged has taken on new meaning. Karen peers through the peephole of Shell’s cell and sees Jim at death’s door. She calmly entreats Shell to use her brain, but all she gets in return is bluster. Shell calls her a “two-faced slag” for getting involved with Fenner. Fair point.

Shell stuffs a rag in the peephole. You’d think they’d have encased that somehow, wouldn’t you, so that couldn’t happen?

Outside, Sylvia and Di check in for crisis duty. So does Helen, pulling up to the gate and asking for “number two keys” without missing a beat.

In what would appear to be full view of the gatehouse and every other guard anywhere nearby, Helen opens the passenger door so Nikki (who has been lying low in the back seat) can calmly make her way back into Larkhall.

They just walk in slowly, passing flashing lights and a gaggle of guards – and even Sylvia and Di. This is crazy suspense. But you know why they’re able to just stroll in? Because Helen is wearing her death-defying, heartbreaking leather jacket! And a low-cut red shirt underneath. Submit! Obey the power of the leather-cradled cleavage! Helen finally directs Nikki to a “staff loo,” where she is to wait 10 minutes before going to her cell. As Helen goes through a gate, putting bars between herself and her beloved once again, Nikki seems to panic. She grabs the bars, pleading with Helen with her eyes. Helen just says, “Nikki,” and the con with the heart of gold silently turns and goes about getting herself back into prison.

Scaring the life out of Barbara, Helen unlocks Nikki’s cell without a word and then steadily walks away. This scheme is so harebrained, it just might work.

Saving Not-So-Private Jim – Karen gives Di and Sylvia their orders. Sylvia’s task is to get into riot gear in preparation for breaking through the cell door. She protests, but Karen’s not interested in the details of her incompetence.

Karen is startled to see Helen there so soon, but then seems to accept the superpowers of the leather jacket and red shirt. She and Helen discuss the latest methods in hostage crisis resolution. Maybe they can co-author a paper when all this is over.

Helen doesn’t like Karen’s plan to “go in hard” and threatens to pull rank. I feel warm all over.

More death-defying stunts – Nikki, now out of the staff loo and on her way back to her cell, saunters past Sylvia and several guards. I was going to say that must be a really good wig, but I think the point is that it’s a really bad one. Bad hair can get you far in life, as many a lesbian will testify. People get sort of blinded and confused and just do whatever they must in order to hasten themselves away from the hideous coiffure.

Nikki makes it to her cell and slips in, tearing off her wig and uniform (hey, nice bra!) and asking Barbara for a trash bag to put it all in.

Barbara: [handing her a bag] Bag. And if you don’t tell me what’s going on, I’m probably going to throw up in it.
But Nikki and her pretty bra don’t say a word.

Negotiating with terrorists – Helen tries to play good cop and get Shell to trust her.

Helen: Look, I’ve come in from home especially to try and help you. Shell: Yeah? Well, that’s your sad life, then, i’n’t it? Don’t dump it on me.
Off to a good start, then. But isn’t Helen lovely when she’s negotiating? When Helen asks Shell why she’s doing this, Shell tells her to ask Miss Betts. Oh, the thickening plot.

Nikki’s cell – Now that she’s back in her cell and her clothes and her cursed little life, Nikki is smoking and brooding. Barbara tells her she’s being stupid and points out that Helen must care a great deal about Nikki, considering all the risks she took. You don’t know the half of it, Barbara – you should have seen those police officers. Why, Nikki and Helen could have found themselves in a foursome!

Barbara encourages Nikki to focus on her appeal, but Nikki doesn’t think the “pricks in wigs” will change their minds about that. Or was it “prigs in wigs”? Nah, I think Nikki favors precision over rhyme. She does seem to be giving up, at any rate, and says Helen has too:

Nikki: We had one chance to share a life together. To take a huge bloody risk and go for it. And that’s it now.
She’s about to cry. You can tell because she’s frowning in a Beakerish way. I make that face and say “meep!” when I want to make my girlfriend snort with laughter.

Facing facts – Karen calls Jim’s wife (very estranged wife, remember) to let her know that Jim might not make it. Marilyn susses the whole thing right away: “It’s that Dockley.” Again, I don’t know how such a smart woman ended up with Fenner.

Meanwhile, Helen convinces Shell to try to stop Fenner’s bleeding. And she asks Shell for her conditions, which include that “confession” from Jim, acknowledging he’s a rapist, as well as “at least a hundred fags” and a “whole box of Kit Kats.” Oh, Shell. You can’t even do a hostage crisis right.

Helen takes it all very seriously, obviously hoping she can keep Karen from taking any kind of violent action against Shell. That’s our Miss Stewart: always principled and optimistic. She is the epitome of having your heart in the right place.

In their cell, Denny and Shaz get curious and yell out the window to Shell. They swing a bag to her so she can use it to get all the goodies she’s requested. Joining the fray, Yvonne yells at Shell to “stick it in again and give it a bit of wrist.” Uh. I … nope. No words.

Yvonne is actually in the two Julies’ cell; she was moved there when the whole fracas started because it was unsafe (or perhaps inconvenient) for her to be next to Shell. She takes a moment to tell the two Julies about her cheating husband, Charlie. She’s done with him. About time!

More and more suspense – Denny and Shaz and any number of random inmates manage to get the “swinger” (the bag swinging from window to window) to Shell. Meanwhile, Di takes her post down below Shell’s window to wait for the swinger to come down so she can stuff it with Shell’s conditions. That sounds vaguely wrong.

Let me take this moment to note that I live across from a playground, and I keep confusing the inmates’ rioting and hollering with the shrieks from the kids on the swings. I don’t really know which is worse.

In Shell’s cell, Shell tries to get Fenner to sign the “I’m a rapist” paper while Fenner says a lot of things that sound like “zza grrg blurrr zzah shhw ffarf gllrb.” I think he’s trying to tell her that everything between them was mutual and that she’s special to him, but her psychosis is making her smarter than usual and she doesn’t buy a word of it.

On the other side of the door, Helen asks Shell to unblock the spyhole so they can see how Fenner’s doing. Spyhole? I’ve been calling it a peephole. I’m not sure which is more prurient. More important, check out Helen’s nails; are they really in keeping with her newfound identity? The even more surprising thing is that Helen asks Shell to give up her weapon (the broken bottle) in order to prove that she’s trying to cooperate and doesn’t intend to hurt Fenner further. When Shell resists, Helen whips out a little legalese:

Helen: Look, a confession signed under duress means nothing a-tall. Shell: Hey?!
Shell’s exclaiming at the meaning of Helen’s statement, but I’m exclaiming because Helen said “a-tall” rather than “at all.”

Helen’s winsome ways can charm even Shell. She agrees to send down the broken bottle in the swinger.

Di is waiting down below, and Karen’s waiting outside the cell, so twitchy she can barely keep both feet on the ground. Di radios Karen to say she has her hands on the swinger. Karen leaps before she looks, giving Shell a threat and an order and nodding to the guards. They start to crowbar their way in. Shell realizes she’s about to be taken by force and whips the swinger back out of Di’s hands.

Again, ever so slightly yet so very horribly wrong.

The other inmates whip themselves into a frenzy and raise their chants a few decibel levels. Helen stands by ruefully as the guards (led by a helmeted, off-the-rails Hollamby) force their way in and proceed to abuse Shell. Once in a while, this show really does give us a glimpse into the harshness of prison life. (If you haven’t read our recent Mandana Jones interview, make sure you do – you’ll see how a soapy drama can take on deeper meaning.)

Helen admonishes the guards to “be careful with her,” but nearby, Denny and Shaz know the situation is dire. Yvonne starts a chant of “Shell, Shell,” and soon all the inmates are united in protest of their collective powerlessness.

The medics rush in to help Jim and ask Karen to get the prison doctor. Karen looks like she’s going to hurl; for some reason, she still cares about this vile man.

Nikki’s cell – Barbara tries to write in her journal as Nikki tries to quell her headache. It’s your heart that’s hurting, Nik; no palliative will soothe that ache.

The aftermath – Helen wants to inspect Shell’s cell. She asks Karen for permission to do a “rec.” Her big question is what Jim Fenner was doing there in the first place. Karen is skeptical but ultimately willing to turn everything over to the one in the low-cut red shirt and foxy leather jacket. As anyone would be. The guards kick and punch Shell and call her a bitch as they take her down the block. Because that will keep her from acting out in the future.

In Denny’s cell, Shaz chooses this moment to get jealous of Den’s history with Shell. Uh, good timing. Denny assures her she’s her baby, but can only offer a weak smile when Shaz tells her to get back into bed. Note to self: Do not express insecurity while your girlfriend’s ex is on a murderous rampage.

And back in Shell’s cell, Helen doesn’t like what she sees. I can’t figure out why, exactly, but it seems like something’s not adding up or there’s been some departure from procedure. Either that or she’s just realized she left the coffee pot on.

Speaking up – As all the inmates yell, Nikki starts to lose her cool. She screams at them all to shut up. Barbara tries to calm her down, but she’s beyond comforting.

Nikki: I want my life back!
She pushes the panic button that will call the screws to her cell and then just wails and shrieks and bangs on the door, begging them to put her on report and out her in solitary. A guard makes a move to do just that, but Helen sails down the staircase and says she’ll deal with the situation.
Helen: Stand back from this door!
That certainly shuts Nikki up. Helen unlocks the door and says, “Get out here,” as coldly as she can. When Nikki doesn’t move, Helen screams, “Now!”

Just like that, they seem to be back to prisoner and jailer. It’s so sad, I can’t even enjoy Helen’s bossiness.

They go to the wing office. Helen barks at Nikki, saying “shut up” and “move it” as if she’s screaming at Shell. But once they’re in the office, her tone softens.

Helen: Just tell me one thing, Nikki. What have you told your cellmate? Nikki: Huh? Helen: I’d forgotten that you shared a cell. Nikki: She knows it went ass-up. Helen: No, I mean what does she know about me? Nikki: [silence] Helen: [grabbing Nikki] For God’s sake, tell me! Nikki: Why? What’s it matter? Helen: Oh, God. Nikki: Well, how’d you think I – Helen: I didn’t think! I just imagine you in bed on your own. Nikki: [taking Helen’s shoulders] Darlin’, it’s OK. Helen: [shrugging Nikki off] No, it’s not OK. Nikki: I didn’t tell the nurse about you. Helen: I didn’t think you told anyone. Nikki: You told Dominic McAllister. Helen: It’s not the same. Nikki: Why? ‘Cause he’s not a con?
She doesn’t phrase that as a question, exactly; it’s more like an acknowledgment that the bars make all the difference, and she’s back behind them for good.
Helen: Because I told him about my feelings. You told a prisoner that I broke the bloody law. Nikki: Well, she’s not gonna dob you in it. She thinks you’re a saint. Look, it was doing my head in! I told her it was all over between us. I don’t have to say any different.
Cue the music. Uh-oh. I don’t like the look on Helen’s face as she steels herself again.
Helen: It is all over. Nikki: What? Helen: It’s got to be. Here am I, judging Jim Fenner for having an unprofessional relationship with Shell Dockley. And look at me. Nikki: Don’t be mad. Helen: I am being a total hypocrite! Nikki: He’s a total bastard! Helen: [voice breaking] I can’t hold it together anymore, Nikki. Neither can you. It’s too strong, what we feel and what we need. It’s impossible. We’ve gotta let go. We have no choice. Nikki: This is just s—, Helen. Helen: It’s how it is. Nikki: Not for me. No way. We make our choices. [seeing Helen’s face] You coward. You don’t need me. All you want is an easy life. Helen: Fine, if that’s the way you want to see it. [opening the door, waiting for Nikki to exit] Then hate me for it.
That was some stunning acting. They both seemed so desperate, trapped in their own heartbreak, terrified.

But please, Helen, take it all back! Actually, I don’t know if I really want her to; she seems to be doing only what she must, being true to herself. They both are, and that’s always the best and the worst thing about them.

Nikki stomps back to her cell and puts the verbal nail in the coffin:

Nikki: It’s OK, Barbara. You can put it down in writing now. N and H, R-I-P.
Outside, Helen cries and tries to hold herself together. If that doesn’t move you a little, you’re made of stone. Fenner’s fate – Fenner’s wife rushes in as the doctors try to put Fenner back together again. Yvonne and the two Julies hope for the best, and their best is pretty much the opposite of what Karen and Marilyn are hoping for. Guess whose side I’m on?

Next time on Bad Girls: Life in Larkhall gets back to the normal level of mayhem.

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