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“Top Chef: Boston” recap (12.3)

Previously on Top Chef: Boston, the angels wept when sweet Joy was sent packing for undercooking veal. Aaron was the douchiest of the (mostly nameless and faceless) white men.

In the stew room (immediately after last week’s elimination), Ron is pretty pissed that Aaron and Keriann acted like children throughout most of the challenge, and yet neither of them went home. I agree, Ron. What Ron doesn’t say is that he feels guilty about Joy, because it was his addition of vanilla that made their dish extra-terrible and set her up to go home. I’m pretty sure that’s how he feels, though.

It’s a new day at the Chef house, and Swayze and Aaron are bonding about how they both came from “broken homes.” I’m not sure if this segment is meant to humanize Aaron, but it’s really just making me like him less. He may have had to work hard to get where he is, but he still acts like an entitled asshole. Aaron actually says, “If my mom had the money to put me through CIA (Culinary Institute of America), I’d be Bobby Flay.” It’s interesting to me that he chose Bobby Flay as the icon he would be most like, because Flay is also kind of a douchebag. At least the guy is consistent, I guess?

Quickfire challenge: It’s another Sudden Death Quickfire! No one is safe for long on this season of Top Chef. For today’s challenge, the chefs have to prepare a dish that highlights tea, because they’re in Boston and one time this thing happened there called the Boston Tea Party.

(Side note: I’m going to try my hardest to power through this particular Quickfire, but I have a long, sordid, and emotionally trying history with the Tea Party. When I was five, my family visited Boston and we went to the Tea Party boat/museum. Both my older brothers got chosen to throw bushels of tea off the side of the boat, but I didn’t. I’m still not over it.) The chefs all scramble to grab a random flavor of tea and start cooking. Gregory is pumped to get a strawberry white tea, and he’ll be pairing it with raw tuna- which is very smart for a time-sensitive Quickfire Challenge.

Aaron wasn’t quick enough to grab the protein he wanted, so he’s stuck with Monkfish cheeks. He’s acting very mature about it- acknowledging that he’s part of a competition where sometimes he will have to improvise. JUST KIDDING! He’s complaining again! Meanwhile, Rebecca got a very floral tea, so she’s going to make a vanilla cake. Apparently, she’s trained as a pastry chef, but Top Chef has conditioned me to get nervous whenever anyone makes a dessert. Probably one of these days I’m going to go out to a restaurant, and cringe when the server hands me a dessert menu like, “Ooooh, are you sure the chef thinks that’s a good idea? It’s pretty risky.”

Melissa ended up with a toasted nut tea, which she’s going to incorporate into her rice. Sounds delicious. We also get to learn a little more about Melissa’s past, which I’m happy about because she’s cute and queer and hasn’t been on the screen enough IMO. She grew up in a traditional Chinese household and wants to prove to her dad that she’s an accomplished chef. Time’s up and the judges start tasting the food. There are a lot of nice dishes: Melissa, Katsuji, Katie, and Gregory all have strong showings. Ron made a mole sauce out of chocolate tea (which sounds awful), and Padma gives him a very Padma-esque backhanded compliment: “I hate the tea that you got … (dramatic pause) … but I love how you got its essence in a dish that I didn’t hate.” She didn’t hate it. God, I love Padma.

Aaron’s monkfish is overcooked- hah! Yes! Adam the hipster vegan made a play on ceviche and called it a tea-viche. I want to hate him, but word play is one of my weaknesses. Rebecca’s cake ended up not really packing a lot of tea punch. I told you so, girl!

Padma (unnessarily) reminds the chefs that the loser of the Quickfire will be up for immediate elimination. Thanks, Padma. The favorites are Melissa’s duck, Gregory’s tuna and Ron’s mole. Gregory snags the win! He’ll have immunity for the elimination challenge.

At the bottom we’ve got James’ beurre blanc salmon, Aaron’s overcooked monkfish, and Rebecca’s cake. Aaron is the loser (YAS), and he has to choose someone to throw down against in a sudden death battle. Instead of choosing Keriann (who he told last week that he could “cook under the table”), he chooses Katie and verbally abuses her a little bit. What a guy, this Aaron!

Jerkface McGee is doing a play on a spring roll, while Katie is going with a pasta. Unfortunately, I have a feeling Katie is playing this one too safe to knock Aaron out of the competition.

Aaron, meanwhile, takes this opportunity to turn his shitty Quickfire performance into some kind of commentary on a working class revolution. He wants to win for all the kids who didn’t have the money to go to culinary school. Win is kind of a relative term here, though, because all he’s going to win is not being the absolute worst. Set that bar high, buddy!

Anyway, Aaron doesn’t lose and everyone on the show cries and screams about the injustice of it all (or I guess that’s just what I did, oops).

Elimination Challenge: Some concession guys enter the kitchen, complete with peanuts, popcorn and various other ballpark snacks. The chefs are going to Fenway Park! As a Yankee fan, it pains me to say this, but Fenway is my favorite place to see a baseball game. The chefs will need to create a “fine dining” dish based on a concession stand snack. Ron says he’s making “popcorn soup,” which sounds really gross. Katsuji went for the fried dough, and I’m very intrigued to see what he does with it.

Katie gives us a little glimpse into her past: her dad was a Twins fan, but he passed away and she’s going to dedicate this dish to him. I’m feeling pretty uncomfortable about that, because if her dish is terrible I’m going to get really sad.

I’m actually nervous about quite a few people in the kitchen today. Keriann is trying to braise short ribs, which is a bold move in a short period of time. Adam has decided to poach his fish a day ahead, because he doesn’t know what the kitchen will be like tomorrow. Rebecca thinks this is the dumbest thing and so do I. Katie’s Crème brû lée hasn’t really set and it is looking rough.

The next day, the chefs head to Fenway Park and I have multiple flashbacks of getting too drunk and very lost within the bowels of the stadium. College, am I right? Good times. The kitchen is small, so the chefs are staggering their cooking and plating. Katie is absolutely just freaking out. Nothing seems to be going right for her and she is running around trying to get her plate together.

The first batch of chefs bring their dishes out. Aaron has made some kind of fake hot dog in a pretzel bun. The judges like his use of the pretzel, but wish he had put an actual hot dog or sausage inside because its too soggy. Ron serves a very rich popcorn soup (ew) with a giant “baseball” croquette of garnish on top. No one really likes it.

Katie introduces her dish by apologizing and telling the judges that she made a huge mistake in technique. Listen, I completely understand being hard on yourself, but, girl, sometimes you have to try and sell it. The judges actually all like the dish a lot! Katie gets a little choked up thinking about her dad, and Padma awkwardly tries to comfort her. The next group of chefs serve their food. Napoleon (Doug is his real name, if you were wondering) has prepared a seared scallop with corn/popcorn garnish. Overall, it’s well-received. Kariann presents her beer-braised short rib and it’s both undercooked and lacking pretzel flavor. Ruh roh.

Katsuji made a bread pudding with pork belly, which was a good idea. However, the pork is poorly cooked and there is just too much going on in the dish. I’m just SHOCKED that Katsuji made something too complicated.

Another group of chefs approach the judges with their food. Stacy has cemented herself in my mind as a true New Englander by getting choked up about cooking at Fenway and then saying, “I didn’t know I had this many emotions.” Classic.

Melissa has made a corn and ramp soup. She was a little nervous about the color not being green enough, but the judges all love it! Yay! Mei’s pork is a little overcooked, but the judges like everything else on her plate a lot. Stacy’s scallop is solid and they really like her pickled peanuts. (Try saying that five times fast! Actually, don’t, because it just sounds like “penis.”)

The last set of chefs serve the judges. Rebecca made salmon with a mustard glaze to go with her pretzel. The fish is really well cooked and the judges like it. Swayze made a lobster cake, which tastes good, but the cake is too mushy. Adam made a watermelon curry, but he really overcooked the fish (DUH). Luckily for him, the broth kind of saves the dish. Gregory made another really great dish, which Blaze calls “moneyball.” OK, Blaze.

In the stew room, everyone is venting about their dishes, but Katsuji keeps making little side comments after everything Aaron says. I think it’s funny, but Aaron gets pissed off and they start fighting. Oh weird! Look! Another fight involving Aaron! To break the tension someone in the background says, “I hear high heels,” and then Padma appears. It’s hilarious to me, and I think I’m going to start saying, “I hear high heels” whenever anything gets awkward. At judges’ table, the top dishes belong to Gregory, Katie and Melissa. I have to say, when Katie was freaking out in the kitchen I really thought she was going to go home. Good for her! Melissa’s soup was surprising and delicious. The judges loved the balance of Gregory’s dish and he gets the double win today! He is really killing it.

Ron, Keriann, and Katsuji are on the bottom. They all made pretty basic mistakes and I’m not really sure who they’re going to send home today. Keriann is trying to stand by her dish, but her meat was super tough. The judges tell Katsuji he needs to be a better editor and, in other news, the sky is blue and water is wet.

Tom impressively works in two baseball-related puns, telling them he knows they were “swinging for the fences,” but one of them “struck out.” Well done, Tom. Well done.

In the end, Ron gets sent home and he grumbles about how the “kids” these days are making miniature entrees! I didn’t hate him, but I also didn’t care about him-so we’ll call this week a wash. Next week on Top Chef, we’re going to go where everybody knows your name! Cheers, bitches!

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