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“Top Chef: Boston” recap (12.1 & 12.2):

Well, hello there, and welcome to the newest season of Top Chef. I’m very excited to be recapping this season, for a few reasons:

  1. I live in Boston, so I can check out any restaurants that look awesome on the show.
  2. Padma Lakshmi and Gail Simmons.
  3. I really, really like food.
Now that you have my credentials, let’s begin. Top Chef: Boston kicks off in the usual dramatic fashion-ominous music, quick cuts, and chef voiceover intros. I can’t help but notice there’s a hometown Boston girl, which I’m already excited about. I know a lot of Boston girls and, boy oh boy, can they be feisty.

Padma welcomes the new chefs and introduces Richard Blais, which I guess means he’s going to be a judge this season. Blaze (I like to call him Blaze) has always kind of bugged me (I feel like he’s trying to be too clever for his own good), but I’ll try to give him a chance. OK, let’s meet some of the chefs:

Katsuji Tanabe – Mexican-Japanese chef with a kosher restaurant. he’s got a lot of jokes.

Mei Lin – Michael Voltaggio’s sous chef. Something tells me she’s probably going to be a ruthless bitch in the best possible way.

Adam Harvey – NYC. Worked at a vegan spot. Basically too hip to function.

Joy Crump – Awesome name. Awesome hair. Adorable and self-deprecating.

Let me hold you.

Quickfire challenge: TWIST, y’all. Today’s quickfire is sudden death, and it’s a mise en place relay race. I’m a big fan of these, because, invariably, some idiot doesn’t know how to chop an onion and happens to be on the team with the most competitive person. Then competitive-guy either yells in onion-guy’s face or seethes really loudly just behind them. It’s always a good time. Today the chefs will have to prep some classic New England ingredients as quickly as possible and the slowest individual on the slowest team will be up for elimination.

So, you know how some people (aka racists) are always like, “Black people all look the same!” That’s kind of how I feel about generic white guys. I can not tell them apart, so the beginning few episodes of Top Chef are always a struggle for me. Anyway, one of the white guys (George) tries to pawn the clams off on Gregory, but Gregory is like, “Nah, man, I’m all set with this here mackerel.”

The competition begins and Mei is all business-she is absolutely just crushing the lobsters. I’m not going to lie, she’s kind of turning me on. We’re onto the oysters and-oh no!-Joy, one of my initial crushes, is not looking too good. She just (adorably) referred to herself as “Shaky McGee,” and I’m worried for her. Meanwhile, some other white guy (Doug) actually utters the words, “Because of my short stature, I gotta be Napoleon in the kitchen. Just gotta be bigger than everyone else.” That is just the definition of a Napoleon complex, but, okay buddy, whatever you need to tell yourself to help you sleep at night.

Some chefs have moved on to the fish and, “Holy mackerel!” Blaze earns some points in my book by uttering what is, I believe, the first food pun of the season. Also, one of my favorite things about cooking shows is when the hosts/judges stand about 20 feet away from the chefs and rag on them. Blaze remarks, “Katsuji is BLOWING it for the blue team right now” and the dude is standing right there trying to work!

The green team is storming right past Katsuji BLOWING it, and we have our first reference to the 2004 Red Sox/Yankees series that I still don’t like to think about. Great, I’ll keep a tally. It’s not upsetting at all, and I’ve never had to deal with it before as a Yankee fan living in Boston. JK yes I have.

Katsuji, amazingly, does not totally BLOW it, and it turns out that the red team is the slowest. That seems about right, because they all kind of sucked except for the hot, queer girl with the undercut who hasn’t really been introduced yet (Melissa, I have since found out is her name).

George is the slowest, so he gets to choose any other chef to compete against in a sudden death cook off. If George wins, they’re both safe, but if he loses he’ll have to go home. George is still feeling pretty meow-y about Gregory taking the mackerel, so he becomes George’s unlucky victim.

To be honest, I’m hoping George goes home because he’s kind of annoying, but mostly because of the way he just pronounced kalamata. Gregory, meanwhile, darts about the kitchen and prepares a trio (it’s our first trio!), all the while shaming George about only using one protein.

The risk of the trio pays off and Gregory is declared the winner. George is told to pack his knives and go, and I’m not mad about at all because it’s one less white guy I have to keep track of.

Elimination challenge: The chefs will be hosting the first ever Top Chef Food Festival (which, OK-if you say so, Top Chef, but I feel like they’ve done this type of thing before). They’ll be working alongside lots of famous culinary folks, and they have to serve an updated version of the first thing they ever remember cooking.

The chefs do their shopping and get into the kitchen to start prepping. Katie is doing some kind of broccoli salad as an ode to her adoptive grandma (who apparently played baseball, you know-some “League of Their Own crap”). One of the dudes (Aaron) is super judgy about Katie making a salad, so I hope she nails it. He, meanwhile, is updating bacon and eggs by preparing pork belly, which seems pretty obvious to me.

Another dude (Michael) is using a lot of fancy molecular gastronomy tactics, which means I think he’s probably going to fail. He seems to be more concerned with his look and style than he is with his food, so maybe he should change careers.

Tom enters the kitchen with Blaze. Tom! I’ve missed you and your bald head. He’s doing his usual Tom thing- walking around the kitchen, distracting chefs, generally just making people nervous as fuck.

Katsuji tries to explain what he’s making to Tom and Blaze, but there are about a million ingredients and he can’t even remember them all- a Top Chef red flag. Tom and Blaze both make a face at him, so I think they agree with me.

After a last minute/pack up montage, the chefs arrive and start setting up and-IS THAT KRISTEN KISH? ZOMG it IS. Guys. I really hope this isn’t the only episode she’s in, because I love her. She and fellow queer Top Chef alum Tiffany Faison razz and joke with the Boston girl a little. The festival begins and the judges arrive, all looking fantastic as per usual. (Gail, I missed you, bb.) They start tasting food and there are some hits (Joy!) and misses (Katsuji, duh). Melissa made some banging looking pork that Richard doesn’t want to stop eating.

Michael serves an interactive, pour-it-yourself soup, because of course he does. Tom and Gail don’t like it, but instead of accepting the criticism, Michael wonders what is wrong with their palates. Michael, dude, pull your head out of your ass for just a second. It’s not them, it’s you.

YES-bacon and egg guy’s pork belly is fatty. I feel so vindictive, but I can’t even help it, I’m so happy. Padma actually spits it out and tells him to clean up his act and his station. She calls it a “mess, mess, messy mess” and I’ve never loved her more, which is really saying a lot. Cut to the stew room. Padma informs the chefs that the judges want to see everyone. How curious! Turns out the judges are going to do critiques in front of the whole group this season. The top dishes belong to Doug, Mei, and Gregory, and Mei is the winner! Love to see a lady reppin’ it from the start.

Katie, Katsuji, and Michael are on the bottom and Michael is asked to pack his knives and go. Moral of the story here: Tom’s palate is better than yours. Michael is still hating on Tom with his last gasps of breath on the show. BYE.

Obligatory season preview montage. It’s important to note that at some point, Padma will wear overalls and knock things over in a Whole Foods. Episode two jumps in right where we left off: stew room post-judge’s table. Mei brushes her win off like true boss. Katsuji’s got some more jokes, and Aaron continues to be the only white guy I can really remember, because he is a total douche.

It’s a new day in the Top Chef house. OH MY GOD, one of the other non-Aaron white guys has a huge Patrick Swayze tattoo. I need to learn his name ASAP, because he might be my new favorite. (It’s James, FYI.) Quickfire challenge: The challenge is based on Paul Revere’s famous quote, “One if by land, two if by sea” and, predictably, the chefs will have to make a surf and turf dish (which is a phrase I still can’t hear without thinking of Panda from Skins and giggling).

When one lantern comes on, the chefs have to pick an ingredient off the “land table” and when both turn on, they have to choose from the “sea table.” It’s all first come, first served and the ingredients really run the gamut of weird to great. There’s no immunity, but the winner will receive $5,000.

The chefs begin cooking, and have to go to the land table twice before the sea table. Most of them are annoyed by this, because they want to plan out their dishes. Vegan hipster Adam doesn’t notice when the two lanterns are lit, so he’s stuck with dried crab snack which sounds really, really unappealing. The land lantern goes off again and the chefs are scrambling to finish.

The judges actually seem to mostly like everything, but Joy and Stacy end up on the bottom. Sorry, ladies. The judges’ favorite dishes are from Katsuji, who is used to throwing together a billion ingredients, and SwayzeLuvr96 (which is what I decided James’ AOL screenname probably was). James wins! We quickly learn a little more of his backstory: He grew up with a single mom in a trailer park.

Elimination challenge: The chefs will be cooking as teams to prepare one cohesive dish. They’ll be cooking for Boston Police and Fire Department first responders, so the chefs aren’t going shopping. They will have to respond to whatever ingredients are in the kitchen (GET IT???).

Mei is paired with Katie and Katsuji (who were both on the bottom last week) and her face is just like, “Fuck me-I’m’a try to be polite about this, but I have absolutely no faith in either of you idiots.” It’s hilarious and makes me love her more. The teams are back at the house, discussing strategy. Aaron and Keriann get into it, because she has pastry experience and Aaron thinks that if they get a dessert basket Keriann should take the lead. She doesn’t want to commit to anything until they see the basket. Aaron then condescendingly explains what gelatin is, and I want to knock his stupid hat off his stupid head.

At the restaurant, the red team (Mei, Katsuji, and Katie) are cooking first. Mei and Katsuji both want to make a sauce. Miraculously, Mei relents so Katsuji is probably going to throw 23 things in a blender and give it a whirl.

Rebecca, Adam, and Gregory (blue team) come in next. They want to do a surf and turf (GIGGLE). They seem to be working really well together.

The grey team, Napoleon (Doug) and Swayze (James), seem to also be vibing well with each other. They go for the pork chop box, thinking that blue collar guys will dig that. I agree.

Melissa, Joy, and Ron (the yellow team) are making some veal. My girl Joy is in charge of grilling the veal chops, and the fact that they are spending so much time on that fact makes me think she’s going to fuck it up. Ron seems to just be tossing suggestions out left and right (vanilla?), and I am nervous as hell for two of my favorite ladies.

Aaron, Keriann, and Stacy (the green team) are left with chicken and short ribs. After arguing yesterday for-fucking-ever about dessert, it looks like that is now a non-issue. Also, Aaron has decided to incorporate some molecular gastronomy shit, even though he got pissy at Keriann only yesterday about that very topic.

(Aside: This isn’t my first Top Chef or reality show rodeo, so I know that they always edit these shows to make people look more villainous than perhaps they truly are. HOWEVER, Aaron keeps saying terrible things and, until proven otherwise, I’m going to keep assuming he’s an entitled white bro douchebag. Sorry not sorry.)

The judges arrive and start chatting with some of the police officers and fire fighters and-oh shit!-I think I know the girl sitting next to Padma! Oh my god, I do! And I’m insanely jealous of her. The red team presents first and they have a solid halibut dish. The judges are happy with their teamwork; they’ve really presented a cohesive plate. Somehow, Katsuji’s sauce is delicious!

The blue and grey teams are next and they both also have great plates! This is actually going pretty well for everyone.

Things take a turn for the worse as the yellow team serves and, what do you know, the veal is undercooked. The judges also feel like the addition of vanilla is overpowering and weird. Which is also what I thought was going to happen, so basically I guess I’m a culinary genius.

The green team is plating and, man, it is a goddamn trainwreck. Aaron and Keriann are freaking out at Stacy, who is basically just like, “Calm down, y’all. It’s just chicken.” Aaron’s marmalade is watery and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen two people who just met bicker more than he does with Keriann.

They serve the judges and, of course, Stacy’s chicken is amazing. Both Keriann’s corn and Aaron’s bacon jam are, in Tom’s words, “terrible.” Aaron goes ahead and cements his place as a douchebag by trying to throw Keriann under the bus. In the stew room, Aaron and Keriann continue to be terrible to each other while everyone else just kind of awkwardly watches. Woof.

At judges table, everyone is called in to watch critiques again, so I guess that’s a thing this season. The red team (halibut) and blue team (surf and turf!) are on top for this challenge, and the blue team gets the win! Obviously, yellow and green are on the bottom. Tom calls them all out for their various grievances and I just want Aaron to go home so badly it physically pains me. Unfortunately, Stacy’s perfect chicken saved Aaron and Keriann, so the yellow team is deemed the worst.

Sadly, my girl Joy is sent home. Joy! No! I only just got to know you, and I was starting to love you. I wish Ron had gone home for his stupid vanilla, but I understand that you can’t undercook a veal chop and stick around too long.

Next week on Top Chef: The chefs are cooking at Fenway, so I’m probably going to have to add to my 2004 Yankees/Red Sox reference tally. Can’t wait.

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