Previously on The Fosters, Wyatt asked Brandon, the love expert, for help understanding Callie. It went about as well as asking an actual bunch of rocks. Jesus and Mariana tried to sell the bed that killed sex but it took Stef to seal the deal. Stef and Lena named the baby Frankie, Jude broke his silence, and Stef and Lena broke all of our hearts when they had to terminate Lena’s pregnancy to save her life.
Morning in the Adams Foster home for hormonal teenagers begins with the dulcet tones of Jesus screaming at Mariana to hurry up and get out of the bathroom before he pees on the floor. Stef wants to be double sure that Callie knows how to swim, that Jude knows how to tie a hitch and a bowline, and that they are sure they don’t want Stef to chaperone their trip on the S.S. Minnow. On her way out Stef tells Lena that if they can get Brandon to leave they can have an empty house for the afternoon. Lena decides that an empty house means it’s time for Brandon to to tell what happened with Dani.
At school, Jesus pins Emma at wrestling practice and then she yells at him for having the nerve to hook up with another girl after they broke up. He tries to explain the concept of being broken up but she’s beyond logic. If he wants to date Brooke Davis it just shows that he never really gave a hoot about tutor girl in the first place. Hayley hears it all because she hanging out in the gym, just lounging in a split, as you do.
Callie and Jude make their way to the yacht. When Sophia appears Callie says, “Yeah, the resemblance is freaky but you’ll get used to it.” Sophia is so excited to meet Jude that she tells him how glad she is that he’s meeting their dad. Callie corrects her and says that she and Jude have a dad. Dr. Quinn can’t handle the awkward so she sweeps Sophia away to help her set out the lunch their cook made.
Stef comes home and calls for Lena. The poor thing, has no idea that her quiet afternoon is about to become an episode of Jerry Springer (if Springer was a serene, brilliant, biracial woman). Brandon and Lena are sitting in the living room. Before Stef can use her crack detective skills the doorbell rings. Come on in, Mike, this is going to be fun. The tension in this scene is great. It’s unbearably awkward, like watching someone come out when you know it’s not going to go well. Lena says no one leaves until we figure this out as a family. After Mike and Stef stop interrupting long enough for Brandon to speak, he’s finally able to tell them that he and Dani had sex. They reward him for his candor by screaming at each other. Brandon gets up and leaves and Lena tells them that they need to grow the hell up and stop blaming each other. Lena, I don’t exactly know how you’re this awesome (particularly after losing Frankie a week ago) but please, never leave us.
Back at school, Jesus tells Hayley she is going to have to go without him for one night because he has a wrestling team dinner. Regina George is busy telling the dance team that they don’t have enough money for everyone to go to their meet so everyone better, Step Up, Bring it On, and Stick It, if they want to stay on the team.
Back on the yacht, Jude is steering and listening to Robert tell stories about the time he got lost in a storm and Dawson Leery rescued him. Robert assures Jude that he knows that Callie and Jude share a father, he just wants to get to know them better. By the way, here’s a hundred bucks, you know, just because I respect your family bonds.
Back at dance rehearsal, Mariana sucks hard. When Tia shows Mariana how to do one of the moves and offers to help until Mariana says that this style of dance just isn’t her thing and that it must come naturally to Tia and maybe it would be better if Tia stopped making everyone else look bad. Tia says maybe she should dye her hair, too and become Hayley and Caitlin’s puppy.
Stef finds Brandon in his room and explains that grown-ups who have sex with 16-year-olds are criminals. Yes, I see a question in the back. Oh, hi, you’re from Pretty Little Liars, go ahead, I thought you might have some questions. Brandon tells Stef that he knows what he did, he doesn’t feel like a victim, and she needs to stop treating him like one of her cases. He feels humiliated and refuses to cooperate with the police. Stef, you need a Lena-approved game plan for these talks.
Back on the boat, Sophia wants to hear all about the glamour of being in foster care and going to seven different schools. Stability and money are just so boring and she hates all the trips to Europe she’s been on with her school and wishes she had a hot boyfriend like Wyatt. Before Callie can explain that she broke up with Wyatt due to the complicated repercussions of being raped, Jude pulls her away to check out the poop deck.
Mike is thrashing around, looking for anything that might make sense of this mess. He wants to talk to Dani, but Lena tells him he can’t leave until they sort it out. Stef walks in and says Brandon doesn’t want to press charges and Mike can’t believe she’s calling Dani a rapist. Brandon’s 16, he’s a guy, of course he wanted this to happen! When it comes to statutory rape, Mikey, there is no grey area.
Mariana and the dance girls are hanging out talking about how Stef and Lena aren’t her real moms and wondering how it is that she doesn’t want to know who her real parents are. Mariana lies and says she doesn’t know anything about her parents and certainly she was not selling her brother’s meds to help out her drug addicted biological mother. Speaking of money, maybe she can get Lena to send some cash to the dance team so Mariana won’t get cut.
Back at boating with WASPs, Jude decides to stay on the boat while Callie, Sophia, and Robert head back to Capeside for supplies. When Robert leaves the two girls in the boat, Sophia gets to talking about how weird it must be to see Robert as a dad and wonders what their lives would be like if he never left Callie’s mom like a big fat coward. Callie says but then there would be no Jude and that would be like turning off the stars in the sky. Back on the ship, Jude is playing Go Fish with Dr. Quinn. She’s trying to figure out if Callie is happy and if the lezzers still want to adopt Callie. Jude says yes, they are just waiting on you to sign the damn papers.
In the halls of Bruce, Chum, and Anchor Academy, Mariana is pleading with Lena to let them have a bake sale for the dance team. Nope, Lena isn’t going to let them break the rules. Mat walks up and suggests that perhaps if Mariana wants to be on the team she should practice more and spend less time dying her hair and whining to her mom. He offers to chat more about it on their date. She says no to him and no to the date and storms off in the fit of someone who knows they are wrong but aren’t ready to give up stomping yet.
Stef is ranting around the kitchen about Mike. Lena tries a dose of empathy for how humiliated Mike must be. Stef says he’s always had terrible taste in women. He married a lesbian! Lena gives it right back by reminding Stef that she married a man. Stef sputters but Lena’s got her number. Stef is hard on the people she loves but harder on herself because she thinks any time someone else makes a mistake she should have been able to prevent it. Add to all of that Stef’s guilt over leaving Mike and you have a potent feelings cocktail. Lena tries to convince Stef that it’s not bad to love people so hard but Stef points out it’s the reason Brandon talked to Lena first.
Tia is still practicing when Mariana walks in and asks for help with her moves. Here’s hoping Tia is the one person on the dance team who isn’t an ass.
Stef heads out to the backyard to talk to Mike. He blames himself and she tells him that it’s not his fault. The problems in their marriage weren’t all his fault, her Florence Henderson mullet bears some responsibility. Stef reminds him that Brandon isn’t to blame for this either. Mariana is almost 16 (wasn’t her quinceanera a couple months ago?), would Mike feel the same way if she were having sex with a teacher? Just for grins, let’s call him Ezra Fitz? He would lock up the teacher. So, why the double-standard, Mike?
Callie is looking at old pictures of her mom while Robert tries to convince her to take the college money he is offering. Her mom wanted to go back to college but never really made it through. He pleads with her to let him give her the money, it’s what her mom would have wanted. My guess is her mom probably would have wanted not to be left pregnant and alone, but that’s just me. When he mentions how hard it must have been to lose her mother so young Callie nods and deflects by thinking him for including Jude and for the college fund. She’d be stupid to turn it down, she says.
Back home, the doorbell rings and Jesus thinks it’s his ride to the wrestling dinner. Nope, it’s Hayley and her parents just broke up in time to keep him from seeing Emma. He says he will skip the dinner to comfort her. Throw this one back, buddy.
Brandon is playing piano in the garage when Mike walks in and sit down. Brandon apologizes for everything. Mike tells him he has to be careful drinking and that he’s made some bad choices when he was drunk. Brandon misunderstands and apologizes again. Mike tells him that what Dani did was illegal and that she is an adult and is responsible for what happened. It took him a while, and a couple of conversations but Mike got to the right place. It’s not easy being a parent and sometimes you whiff at the first pitch. But, I think, good parents listen and admit when they’re wrong.
Upstairs, Mariana asks Jesus about the dinner. When he tells her that he spent the time comforting Hayley she tells him that her parents have been broken up for months. In the middle of their chat he gets a text from the team showing that Emma is the new team captain. Bow down, bitches.
Callie asks how Brandon’s day was and he says that it was long before retreating to his room. When Callie goes to talk to Jude, he tells her that he wishes she didn’t find out about the Quinns but that he can learn to share Callie with Sophia. Across town, Sophia and Robert are out walking their golden retriever and Sophia is wishing that they could adopt Callie. Who cares that she found a family who loves her and where she feels safe and happy? It sure would be nice to have a sister so get me one, OK Daddy?
Dani answers the door and finds to police officers. They escort her to the car and Mike watches Dani roll out of his life. Say hi to Litchfield for us. Stef walks into Brandon’s room and lies down next to him. I don’t look forward to the days when a kiss isn’t all it takes to fix a boo-boo.
