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“The Fosters” recap (2.4): Men behaving less badly

Previously on The Fosters, Stef and Lena went away and left Callie and Brandon in charge. The Adams Foster kids threw a rager, Jesus had sex with Hayley, Mariana babysat a drunk girl, and Brandon turned his creepy foster sister love song into a kind of catchy tune. Connor said he couldn’t hang out with allegedly gay Jude, but snuck over and almost kissed his little face during spin the bottle. Callie found out she had a half-sister/twin and that her biological father is a creepy stalker.

In order to make room for Brandon’s ego or band or whatever, the family decides to clean out the garage. In it they find a beer bottle from the party, some ugly crap, a bicycle named after Stef’s ex-husband, and Lena’s genealogy. Hey look at all your kids with your family history, you should appreciate it because Jude and Callie have a picture in a handkerchief they tied in a bandana when they traveled with Smokey Lonesome and the boys. In the midst of cleaning euphoria, Lena lets slip they are having a girl. Callie shows Jude a picture of her clone/half sister and they engage in a spirited debate about the meaning of family and how genetics figure in. It boils down to the fact that twinsy McQuinn is her half sister and Jude is technically her half-brother but Callie considers him her number one brother, always. Sometimes the names we have for things don’t adequately reflect their true meaning.

At school the next morning, Connor comes over and sort of apologizes for lying to Jude and then for not being able to stand up to his dad. Jude sort of looks at Connor but then walks away. Some lady is telling Lena about how awesome she is and how well she is going to do as the new principal. Timothy, the angel of death to all that is good, swoops in to tell Lena he has hired an attorney because he wants that baby, dammit! Next week, he’ll be kidnapping little Angelica from a botched lesbian wedding.

Mariana is shocked to find that someone has taken the fall for the dance team getting bombed at the Adams Foster party. Of course it’s not Regina George, rules are only for her minions. Time for tryouts to find who wants to be Anchor Beach’s next back-up dancer. Across the gym, Emma thinks Jesus is looking at her and starts up an awkward chat. Really, he’s looking at Hayley because they did the sex in the previously unclean garage. Hayley, tells Mariana that she can’t believe Jesus hasn’t called her after they hooked up at the party.

Back at home, Mariana is pissed because Jesus’ penis seems to only pick the girls who she is friends with. She challenges him to date a girl in science club for a change. Yep, science is exactly what he and Hayley were up to in the garage. Jude walks in and Jesus tries to get some sympathy but Jude just glides on by without saying a word.

In a tangle of glorious hair, Wyatt and Callie and making out with each other’s faces on the beach. He wants to make sweet, sandy love to her (in spite of Emma’s PSA on the pitfalls of getting down in the sand). She tells him that having sex with him is a violation of her parole. The sound you hear is a million teenage lesbians jotting down the perfect excuse not to have sex with their boyfriends. He tells her that he will wait forever and that he loves her and she’s like “Gee thanks, Lloyd Dobler, have a pen.”

Brandon is taking out all is sensitive feelings on his keyboard. Callie walks in and tells him it sounds good and, by the way, she’s going to meet her half- sister. Lou barges in and Callie leaves. She cracks that Callie isn’t Brandon’s real sister, and the guy who spent the better part of last season trying to get with Callie has the audacity to get riled up about Lou insinuating that they aren’t really family. Twenty-five episodes you act like a dope and now you finally get it and we’re supposed to roll over and thank our lucky stars? Sorry, Brandon, I don’t downshift that fast.

Lena is hiding her bump this week with a text book. While she reads to Stef about how kids do better when you talk to them (DUH!) Stef wants to know why Lena won’t talk about Spermothy. Lena pulls out her “get out of processing free” card and slaps it on the bed. She has to think about her interview in the morning, not Timothy and his hair full of conniving. Stef is ready to Miss Marple the crap out of her visit to the Quinn’s house of stalking and manipulation.

Lena is sitting on one side of a table putting on a show like Spencer Hastings at a quiz bowl. Timothy consults the law, then chucks it out the window when he asks her about being pregnant. This is so blatantly illegal I just starting shouting at the television. Lena handles it well (she does not yell at anyone) and, of course, wins over everyone at the table. In science class, Jude is continuing to exercise his right to remain silent. His grade may suffer but he’s not talking. The dance team holds the longest tryouts in the history of teen television. Caitlin’s friend in good, but the black girl is better and Mariana is left trying to figure out whether friendship or diversity or talent wins.

Lena finds Timothy by the kayaks (which hide her bump so well) and confronts him about asking illegal questions, being smarmy, and his complete lack of integrity. He claims he was surprised when he read the contract that only put on paper everything Lena already told him. She goes all Tami Taylor on him and tells him that if he had any integrity at all he would keep his word. Come on, y’all. Just come on.

They are counting up votes and Mariana was the only one who didn’t vote for the better dancer. She stammers about how hard it is to fit in to the group if you aren’t white and blonde and how she was trying her best to fit in by dying her hair and trying to mold herself to meet their expectations. No, actually she gives the most awkward speech but my second-hand embarrassment won’t let me write about it.

Stef and Callie stop by the Quinn’s fortress of money to find out a little more about where Callie comes from. Stef tells her it’s natural to be curious and to want to know why your elbows are weird or why you can’t sing for shit. Apparently, Callie comes from is the land of clones because Sophia could be a Madame Tussaud’s sculpture.

Mariana runs into Lena and is like “the girl we picked for the dance team is black!” Lena gives her the side-eye and a gentle reminder that diversity is great but they don’t have quotas at Anchor Beach. Mariana backpedals better than she dances and switches over to asking if it’s okay for Hayley to come over. She leaves out the part where Hayley is coming to have sex with Jesus.

Back at the Quinn’s WASP fortress, they are discussing everyone’s astrological sign as if that proves they are not uptight. Mrs. Quinn, who I will refer to as Dr. Quinn because why not, asks how long Callie has been with Stef and her partner. Callie jumps in to say Stef and Lena are married. The Quinns quickly add that they love marriage equality and threw a fundraiser just last year. They also have a token black friend. Callie and Stef look at each other and go “how much time is supposed to have passed on this show?” Six months? Sure, let’s go with that. Callie and Sophia make a getaway to Sophia’s room. When they leave Dr. Quinn asks when they are going to adopt Callie and Stef, god love her, says “As soon as your dumbass husband signs the papers, lady.”

Sophie’s room is filled with trophies and ribbons and spare parts to fix her when Small Wonder breaks down. She does school for fun and competes in everything else. She’s fascinated by the idea that Callie has a boyfriend. She wants to know if Callie loves him and she says she does but she hasn’t told him because it’s weird when you were kind of, sort of, once in love with your foster brother too. Sophia just wants a sister because it’s the only thing mommy and daddy couldn’t buy for her and is desperate to hang out again.

Downstairs, Robert is explaining his stalking. He just wanted to see that Callie was real for himself. He tells the story of how he and Callie’s mom were torn apart because his family is rich and kind of evil. Remember when Jack McPhee told his dad to suck it and went to live with Jen and Grams? Yeah, this dude is a pale, sad version of that kid. He offers to set up a college fund for Callie and Stef says she’ll talk to Lena about it.

Mariana is hanging with Hayley, who helps herself to Mariana’s brother and her toothbrush. Mariana asks about how she made the team and Hayley explains that with Mariana on the team they figured Lena would never cut their funding. Speaking of Lena, Timothy is thrilled to tell her that she will not be the next principal. He claims he asked the illegal questions so Lena could address the board’s concerns. The lawyers are going to love that, Timmy. He has that same ridiculous hangdog expression he has had for a while. Buddy, when you are the problem you don’t get to pout. Before leaving, he hands Lena an envelope. Jesus and Hayley are making out in his room and she tells him that she would like to keep him a secret. He’s totally fine with that because he doesn’t have Jude’s sass or confidence to say “I’m nobody’s secret!” Mariana is playing guard dog downstairs. When Lena walks in she asks about more budget cuts, her spot on the prestigious dance team depends on it. But Mama isn’t going to be in charge anymore. So long dance team.

The doorbell rings and Mariana opens it to find Emma. She lies and says Jesus is not home and totally not impregnating Hayley so maybe Emma should bugger off, okay? No Emma, stick around. Mariana is the twin who does well with direct instructions. While they chat, Lena opens the envelope from Spermothy.

Stef rushes into her room and comforts a very sad Lena who has made a pillow fort to disguise her bump. Lena says she was “tainted by Karina” and I have a name for my new band. Lena says maybe being pregnant was a reason they didn’t pick me but look, Timothy is totally redeemed because he signed the donor contract. No. Timothy is still an ass. Stef says, well hey, maybe it would be good to have Timothy in the baby’s life. Stef, I beg of you, do not be an idiot. She was so touched by Robert “well, my family might have been upset so I didn’t do it” Quinn’s speech about Callie that she thinks it’s a good plan to let Timothy have a chance. There are seats for you at the Bad Decision Brunch Club. Go on over, they’re expecting you morons.

In the other room Brandon asks Callie what Sophia is like as a segue to ask if he can use “Outlaws” with the band. She tells him not to worry, Lou can have the song. She calls Wyatt and tells him that she loves him and his stunning locks. Inside, the moms want to know when the last time was that Jude spoke to Callie. The little bug has been mute and when they try to talk to him, he won’t say a word. He won’t even talk to Callie. Any chance we can get some of the other teens to go silent for a while?

What did you think of this week’s episode?

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