“Orange Is the New Black” recap (2.5): Low Self-Esteem City


You know, there is nothing worse that getting shampoo in your eye, right ladies (and a half dozen gents). Actually, there is something worse. Shit bubbling up from the drains like some sort of fecal geyser. Unfortunately, that’s what Gloria and the kitchen ladies are rudely greeted with before their breakfast shift. Gloria instructs the kitchen staff to head over to the other block of bathrooms, where Cindy, Poussey and a score of other inmates wait to hit to the showers. When Gloria tries to pull rank (no showers, no breakfast) Vee appears and instructs Gloria and her crew to get the hell out. Gloria is a little concerned about the fact that Vee already has an established a crew after just a few days at Litch. Things get heavy when Cindy and Flacca exchange insults and a few shoves. When Flacca goes down like a soccer player with a skinned knee, CO Maxwell steps in a starts handing out shots. Maxwell then gives a very perturbed Gloria the ok to take her shower.


Flashback to Gloria’s bodega, where she’s running the show. A disgruntled customer comes in, furious that his St. Peter candle didn’t help him land a job like she told him it would. He missed the part where you actually have to look for a job, but those are the breaks. Gloria goes in search of Lourdes, who is in charge of all things mystic. Lourdes is in the middle of a ritual, and agrees to help rid the customer of dark forces when she’s done. Back in the bodega, Gloria’s boyfriend Arturo has showed up and they are smitten kittens for each other. He’s worried that the back door to the bodega doesn’t lock, but Gloria leaves it that way for her little ones to come and go to their apartment upstairs from the shop. As he’s helping stock the shelves, a customer comes in and hands over his food stamps for cash. Gloria yells at the man that she doesn’t do that sort of thing, while slipping him a fifty. I guess one doesn’t exactly want to shout from the rooftops that they are committing fraud. When her boyfriend advises her not to be rude to customers, she comments on his always empty wallet. He surges with rage and slaps her hard across the face. Gloria is stunned.


In the cafeteria, Chang outlines the rules and points system of the “bang off” that Nicky and Boo have entered into. Rules: 1. Must be on prison grounds. (Done) 2. Must be human. (cough, peanut butter, cough) 3. Said lady must come. Nicky, she of the orgasm gift registry, asks if multiple orgasms score extra points. No! (Boo. Not Big Boo. Just boooo.) According to Chang, different girls count for different point values. Piper is appalled to only rake in a mere three points, proclaiming that she is not “easy.” Big Boo points out that Piper slept with her worst enemy, so yeah, totes not easy. Piper explains that she and Alex weren’t enemies at the time, and like their Facebook statuses state, it’s complicated. Pennsatucky slithers on over to their table, wanting to know what they are up to. Bad timing, Tucky.

Also in the caf, Vee and her crew are eating breakfast, and complaining about the bathroom takeover. Vee starts reminiscing about the good old days when she ruled the roost, but the other women scoff and roll their eyes. Vee tells them that if they don’t stand up now, Gloria and her girls will walk all over them. Just like my fifth grade piano teacher would tell us: Bitches need to learn manners. Suzanne gets what Vee is saying. It’s all about the cutlery placement.


In the greenhouse, Red and her crew are damp and shivering as they get started cleaning out a space for their new garden. Poor Jimmy thinks it’s 1948, so Red sends her to pull some weeds and stay out of harms way. Healy interrupts them to steal Red away for a minute for some Russian wooing advice. He wants to take his new wife Katya to see a high school production of Our Town, which sounds like the kind of torture that would happen in the Saw franchise. Red gives Healy the boot, letting him know that she no longer cares to be his go-to gal for insipid advice. When he gives her his pathetic puppy face, she relents and tells him to take his wife to a romantic Italian restaurant.

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