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“Orange is the New Black” recap (2.4): A Whole Other Hole

This episode of Orange is the New Black was kind of like going out for drinks with a co-worker you really like and think you know pretty well, then watching them get black out drunk and confess to robbing an orphanage. You’re like, “Holy shit, you are not who I thought you were at all – but I really love it when we go to Chipotle together on Thursdays. How do I reconcile this?” Oh how do you solve a problem like Morello? How do you hold a wackjob in your hand?

It’s morning, and Morello wakes up early to do her hair and apply her signature red lipstick in order to drive Miss Rose to chemotherapy. CO Fisher joins them and asks Morello about her upcoming nuptials. Morello makes the excuse that the wedding is on hold on account of all the people who want to come and the challenge of calling wedding vendors from prison. “Hello, Carla’s Cupcakery of Secaucus, an inmate from Litchfield Penitentiary is trying to contact you. Will you accept the call? By the way, can you bake a tiny file into one of those cupcakes?” Only Nicky knows that the wedding is not happening, so Morello does her best to save face. Rosa pipes up to reveal that she’s cursed when it comes to weddings. Both her husbands died, so she wouldn’t marry the last man she was with. Rosa gives Morello a little pep talk: She’s get less than five years on her sentence, and she’s still young. Rosa on the other hand knows she will die in prison.

Flashback to Morello still living at home with her family. It’s kind of a shit show. Her bitter older sister’s kids are running around, smacking heir heads on table corners and whatnot, her father just wants to watch his stories, and their ailing mother is ringing a bell and yelling for assistance. Morello ignores it all and locks herself away in her room, which is covered with homemade collages of pictures from magazines. Her fantasy life. In the middle is a handsome male model, wearing a smart sweater, a heart drawn around him. She then gets on the phone and files a false claim for a missing delivery of some designer shoes. Nothing like a little mail fraud to take the edge off.

In the cafeteria, Vee and Suzanne are eating breakfast while Vee observes contraband makeup on some of the inmates. She wonders aloud how it’s getting in, and Suzanne tells her that not much is coming in anymore since Red’s operation was shut down. Vee smiles, knowing her old frenemy was gaming the system. Suzanne tells Vee about the hooch Poussey makes, which sounds a lot like the “sangria” I used to make in my dorm room. Speaking of Poussey, she, Taystee, Watson and Black Cindy sit down to join them. Poussey has come up with an apparatus to let her pee standing up, which Vee finds unpleasant mealtime conversation. It also stirs up the age old controversy, “Where does the pee come from?” Taystee and Black Cindy are firmly on the side of “big hole” while Poussey tries to explain that there is a separate exit. A disgusted Vee leaves and takes Suzanne with her.

In the bathroom, the discussion continues. Taystee is full on spelunking to try and see this elusive “tiny pee hole” but it eludes her. Taystee asks Poussey how she knows all this, and Poussey says she’s aquatinted with plenty of Poussey, ok. Taystee tenses a bit, especially when Poussey innocently offers to show her. Poussey then advises her to find the hole inside the hole. Wow, this is getting really confusing. Thankfully, Sophia shows up and sets them all straight. “You have your vagina proper, and you have you clitoris. The urethra is located between the clit and the vagina, inside the labia minora.” Amen. (One day, I’m going to name my future Vermont B&B, Vagina Proper.) Sophia is an expert on vaginas because she designed her own. She hands Taystee a compact mirror to take another look and viola! Suddenly everyone wants a turn to see their own lady land.

Speaking of lady lands, Big Boo has a bone to pick with Nicky. Nicky is getting it on with all the new girls, leaving no one left for Boo. Nicky is a bit of a heartbreaker, and the girls are too busy lesbian processing to take a ride on the Big Boo train. It’s called Clitorference. Learn this term, for when we become a true Clitocracy. Boo picks up Nicky’s diary of conquests, much to Nicky’s chagrin. Brook is on Nicky’s list, and it becomes pretty clear to Boo that Nicky’s addictive personality shines through all these meticulous entries and conquests. Nicky insists it’s not addiction, but rather a calling: “I’m like a bean flicking Mother Theresa.” Boo challenges Nicky to a friendly competition.

In Piper’s bunk, Soso is asking a lot of questions, and irritating everyone as usual. CO O’Neill pops in to let them know that they will be assigned bunks and to gather their belongings. Soso hopes they will be roommates. Piper hopes that a cinderblock will fall on Soso’s head. Probably. O’Neill and CO Bell pass each other in the hall and it appears their relationship has grown chilly. It’s not lost on Piper. When they enter A block, Piper notices her books and belonging spread out amongst the other inmates. She is totally pissed and starts taking them back. Piper is assigned to Red’s bunk, a fact that is news to Red who hasn’t shared a bunk in twelve years. When Piper asks to have some space in the cell, Red refuses. New and improved Piper takes it upon herself to clear Red’s shit right out of the way and makes room for her own. (Alex would be proud.) With Red’s loss of control at Litchfield, Piper is no longer worried about the repercussions of standing up to her.

Red runs off to Caputo’s office where he’s busy tending to a sick plant. (Maybe stop masturbating in front of them, it’s making them depressed.) Caputo tells her that she’s lucky she’s not in a worse situation after that little smuggling operation she’d been running. Even though it was Pornstache who brought in the drugs, Caputo lays the blame squarely on Red. He tells her to get a hobby.

Back at the hospital, Morello drops Rosa and CO Fisher off and heads to the garage where she’s supposed to sit for three hours until Rosa’s treatment is done. It’s old hat by now, so she does as she’s told…that is until Almost Paradise comes on the radio. It must be like Pavlov’s bell to Morello because she stares off into space and starts crying as soon as the chorus kicks in. She then pulls out a map, and we all know what’s coming next. A flashback!

Cut to Morello at the post office, picking up more boxes than she can carry. She literally runs into a good looking chap wearing the same exact sweater as the dreamboat in her wall collage. They exchange pleasantries, and he jokingly accuses her of running a mail scam. (Hammer, meet nail.) He introduces himself. Christafuh. Well, Christopher actually, but from here on out, he will be Christafuh. When in Rome. He asks her out for coffee as her eyes turn into giant pools of love, like Pepe LePew whenever he sees that one poor cat.

At the hospital, Rosa settles in for her treatment.

In line at the cafeteria, Vee approaches Poussey about her special hooch and tries to convince her to sell it. Poussey isn’t interested in making a profit, she just makes it for fun. Vee tries to worm her way in, offering to tweak Poussey’s recipe and split the profits. Poussey kindly tells Vee no and walks away. Across the caf, Red sees Norma and Murphy and sits down at their table. The women are not happy to see Red, considering she nearly blew Murphy to bits with her oven rigging. Red tells Murphy to quit sulking because she never meant for anyone to get hurt. Norma drops the gauntlet though…quietly, but still…and Red takes her leave of them. Red joins the older inmates, who welcome her. The oldest of the inmates, Jimmy imagines that another inmate is a man, winking at her and that her own pants are missing. The older inmates kindly reassure her and take care of their ailing friend. Just be aware, Jimmy’s hearing is spot on though.

Walking through the cell block, Piper spies Leanne reading one of her books. “Fuck these bitches,” Piper hisses under her breath before ripping the book out of the unsuspecting inmate’s hands. She then takes her radio back from Black Cindy after a short diatribe about how Penny was the real brains behind Inspector Gadget. Et tu, Yoga Jones? Piper snags back her flip flops from the startled inmate. “None of us thought you were coming back,” Jones tells her weakly. Piper even spies a picture of her and Larry in Suzanne’s bunk. (What, she likes the beach) The last straw is seeing Big Boo, wrapped up in Ms. Claudette’s blanket. Things are about to get a little tense when Soso walks in to talk to Piper, distracting Boo. Boo takes a little sniff before Piper orders Soso back to her own bunk. After Soso leaves, Boo suggests perhaps they make a trade for the blanket. And by trade, she means, she wants Soso. Piper considers the proposition. Bad Piper!

In Poussey’s bunk, she’s painting Taystee’s toenails, and they are giggling like two schoolgirls. Not impressed by Poussey’s abstract toe painting, Taystee starts to tickle her. You know where tickling on a bed leads, amiright ladies? Poussey catches her breath and kisses Taystee, who kindly turns her down. They’ve been here before, and Taystee loves Poussey as a friend. However, Taystee likes to get her cuddle on which just makes the whole thing all the more confusing and difficult to Poussey. Vee walks by to witness them snuggling.

Not surprisingly, Morello has gone and made a break for it, all the while telling herself to go back. She speeds off in the direction of Christafuh. In the chemo treatment room, Rosa sits next to a punk ass kid, who dismisses her attempts to chat. When his iPhone dies moments later, he finds himself reluctantly talking with her. When he finds out the she’s an inmate, and a bank robber at that, he’s all in.

At first Morello just parks across the street from Christafuh’s house, but curiosity and a definite lack of impulse control get the better of her. She walks up the steps, and tries to get in, eventually breaking the glass of a back door and letting herself in. She wanders through the house, tears in her eyes as she sees pictures of Christafuh and his fiancé. She goes upstairs and even tries on the fiancé’s veil.

Flashback to Morello’s room, where she’s packing for a weekend trip with Christafuh and talking with her sister about how lucky she is to have met a guy like him. Her sister asks her to bring him to meet the family, but Morello doesn’t want to scare him off. After all, he’s her destiny.

In Red and Piper’s bunk, they discuss the wonders of being a woman. For example, chin hair. Red’s feverishly plucking, while Piper reminisces how Larry named her chin hair “Spike.” When Red asks about Larry, Piper tells her that they haven’t spoken, and in fact, none of her friends have made contact since the whole Alex thing came to light. “People are fickle fucks,” Red announces. Piper laments her selfish decisions, but Red tells her that being selfish is how you survive in prison. When Piper asks if Red’s been dumped by her crew, Red says that she is no longer useful to them and so they can easily turn their backs. In a rare act of friendship, Red hands Piper her tweezers to pluck Spike.

In the outside world, Larry and Polly are grabbing bagels with the baby. Polly is struggling with the baby on her own, while Pete is off in the Alaskan tundra finding himself. An older couple sitting next to them, compliments them on what a fine looking family they make. Larry and Polly decide to play along, and their “love story” comes surprisingly easily. The older woman tells them that it’s clear that they are perfect together. Now, wouldn’t that be convenient?

Red pushes a wheelbarrow across the yard, stopping only to look wistfully at Gloria checking in the kitchen delivery. Red makes her way to the prison greenhouse which has seen better days. While inside, she notices a mouse run through the floorboards and investigates its path.

A tear-stained Morello find herself in Christafuh’s bathroom, where she inexplicable decides to run a bath. Flashback to Morello on trial, and Christafuh on the witness stand. Morello smiles and makes eyes at him, while he sits there, ashen and uncomfortable. Turns out, she and Christafuh only went on one date. After that, she relentlessly stalked him and his new girlfriend. Even restraining orders wouldn’t stop her. It wasn’t until Morello planted a homemade bomb under his girlfriend’s car that she ended up in custody. So, Morello is delusional. I’m so depressed.

Back in the tub, Morello sits in a sort of fugue state until she hears Christafuh come home and start calling for his fiancé. She hightails it out of there through a window, but not before she steals a little teddy bear that says “Love lives here.” Whoa.

Red shows up at Caputo’s office to tell him that she’s ready to settle down and has found a hobby just like he suggested. Knowing his love of plants will help her cause, she asks to start a garden in the greenhouse.

Morello squeals up to the hospital entrance just in time for CO Fisher and Rosa to arrive. She pulled it off. Doesn’t hurt that CO Fisher isn’t the most observant, and also really nice.

In the caf, the “pee hole” conversation is still going strong, just with a different group. Leanne assumes it was like a series of caves, Angie’s got a full on golf course sprinkler situation going. Piper can’t believe that they don’t know their own anatomy, but Yoga Jones asks Piper if she really knows the score. Turns out, only generally. Yoga Jones tries to guilt trip Piper about poor lonely Soso, who is looking for a place to sit and friends to call her own. When Sister Ingalls hears that Soso is in the slammer because of political protests, she gets on her high horse about what “real” protesting is all about. When Piper invites Soso over to fuck with the Sister and Jones, they abandon ship and leave Piper alone with her. Soso just doesn’t understand why everyone is in such a bad mood there in prison. Piper slyly suggests that things could get worse and she should perhaps find herself some protection. You know, like maybe a big, strong prison wife. Enter Big Boo who’s been able to overhear the whole conversation. Soso sees through the ruse pretty easily, and is appalled (as she should be) that Piper was trying to trade her for a blanket, and walks away in disgust. “You know she’s right Chapman. You’re a horrible person,” Boo laughs.

Soso runs back to her bunk crying and finds a sympathetic ear…and other things in Nicky. In the chapel, Nicky is feverously going down on a very naked Soso. Soso keeps talking and talking, knocking Nicky out of her groove. So Nicky gives up, pulls down her own pants, and finds another way to keep Soso’s mouth busy.

Red goes back to the greenhouse, where she now has free reign. She’s excited but not about the plants and veggies they will be growing there. Nope, under the floorboards, she’s found herself a drainage pipe just perfect for smuggling in goods.

Vee saunters into Taystee’s bunk and immediately starts into her about cuddling with Poussey. Taystee reasserts her straightness to Vee, but Vee isn’t letting her off the hook about her closeness to Poussey. “Gay for the stay is for punk ass bitches who aren’t strong enough to stay true to themselves,” Vee tells an uncomfortable Taystee. She shames Taystee into worrying about how she’ll be perceived when she gets out. Then Vee busts out the big guns, poisoning Taystee’s mind that Poussey is not her real friend.

Larry and Polly sit watching TV together, leaning against each other, just shy of cuddling. Polly is grateful for his friendship and company, and kisses him on the cheek for his troubles. Get a room, you two.

Finally, the great “pee hole” debacle is officially put to rest by Sophia and a helpful diagram. It’s an “ah ha!” moment, even for CO O’Neill who pays special attention. Sophia encourages everyone to go and get to know their cha chas.

It’s movie night (The Secret of My Success, starring Michael J Fox) and everyone is watching. Soso is curled up next to Nicky, and still talking. Poor Nicky. Big Boo watches with a scowl. Boo turns to Piper and offers the blanket, but not before rubbing it furiously on her crotch. Piper is indignant. Poussey arrives late to find that for the first time, Taystee hasn’t saved her a seat. Taystee is cold to her friend, and Vee chastises Poussey for being late. In the back of the room, Morello sits clutching the teddy bear and crying. Yoga Jones notices her crying and offers her support. Morello is still stuck on thoughts of marrying Christafuh, and no one knows it’s all in her head.

Follow Dana on Twitter @danapiccoli

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