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“The Fosters” recap (2.01): “You killed Kenny!”

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon fell in love with Callie and moped around when she chose having a family over having a boyfriend. While moping he broke several laws (including bribing a witness), took on the same guy who punched Jesus in the face, and ended up beaten, bloody, and with his delicate piano playing hand smashed in a car door. Callie chose family, thought she was going to get adopted, only to find out her dad wasn’t her dad and she would twist in the wind for a few seasons more. Mike got a new girlfriend who helped him stay sober, tried her worm her way into the family, then raped Brandon when he was drunk and oh right, a teenager. Meanwhile, Stef and Lena decided to have a baby using smarmy Timothy’s sperm. Only Timmy got rather attached to his potential baby and refused to sign away his rights. Jesus went off his meds, onto the wrestling mat, and found himself in a love triangle. Mariana gave a dude her panties, found a boyfriend, and then lost the boyfriend when he got shipped out of state (can’t we trade Zac for Brandon?). Jude remained the greatest teenage unicorn to grace the screen.

We begin as we ended, with Brandon lying on the ground, covered in blood. He struggles to pull himself into his car and starts blowing the horn. Actually, it was all a dream and he wakes up with a splint on his hand back at the Adams Foster home for wayward teens. Down in the dream kitchen, Lena is eating potato chips and spaghetti with a side of pickles and salsa for breakfast. You know because she’s super knocked up by Spermothy. Jude gets mail and it turns out to be his new birth certificate. He won’t let Lena touch it until she’s sanitized her hands. Brandon congratulates him like he wasn’t trying to bone his sister and make the adoption impossible only a few weeks before. Callie wanders in and gives Jude a hug. Stef assures Callie that they are going to get her adoption squared away just as soon as the show stops screwing up her life like some kind of Greek tragedy.

At Anchor Beach Charter School, Dani shows up to talk to Brandon.

Dani: “So, your dad wants me to move in with him.”

Brandon: “You must be shitting me.”

Dani: “Well, after I raped you I helped him clean a shit ton of blood off his hands and I think I can leverage that knowledge into a proposal and probably the wedding of my dreams. So let’s not tell him about that time I took advantage of a drunk sixteen year old, cool?”

Then she throws a ton of guilt his way about keeping their secret so that Mike doesn’t drink again because the last time he did he probably killed a guy (or Ana) and after all the fucking up Brandon has done recently he should really keep this to himself. She tells him to get over what happens and sings a few bars of “Let It Go.” Really, lady?

In court, the Adams Fosters are listening to Donald Jacob tell the court all about how he’s not Callie’s biological dad. Remember Lena telling Mariana that DNA doesn’t make a family? Yeah, well the legal system is here to piss on Lena’s parade. Donald was her father in every way but biology. The judge wants them to try to find Robert Quinn because maybe he doesn’t know what a kick ass kid Callie is and after sixteen years he really should have a chance to come in a mess everything up for her again.

In a flashback, Stef and Lena bomb through the hospital looking for Brandon. He looks horrendous in the bed but the doctor says other that his totally destroyed hand he’s actually in pretty good shape. Lena says “but he’s a pianist.” The doctor kind of rolls his eyes and tries not to say “just be glad he’s not dead, okay?” Stef asks Brandon who beat him up and when he says “Vico” Stef’s jaw tightens and she looks ready to kill. I totally get the instinct. Once a kid pushed my daughter on the playground and I nearly Hulked out on a six-year-old.

Stef pulls out of the flashback at Brandon’s appointment with his orthopedic surgeon. Stef wants to know that her baby is going to be fine, better than fine, able to play the piano like he used to. The surgeon says, we won’t know until he tries. Maybe if he applied the same work ethic to the piano as he did to getting in Callie’s pants area he would be just fine.

Back at school Mariana, now blonde, is in the middle of an extended dance routine. Meanwhile Jesus, and a couple of his wrestling buddies, are being gross teenagers. They stop when Emma bounces up. Jesus tries to kiss her and she tells him to cool it at practice. The coach bitches about the dance team taking up his precious practice time and Lena tells him that if he can’t share they can just cut the wrestling team. She’s the acting principal now so what she says goes until she tells Luke Cafferty’s girlfriend that she doesn’t have to stay pregnant.

The dancers are finally done hopping around and the wrestling bros ask Jesus if he wants to come to their special, no girls allowed, tree fort over the weekend. He feels bad for half a second and then says sure, Emma didn’t just give me a second chance after I was a total donkey’s butt to her, so count me in.

Mariana thanks one girl for helping her with her kick and another says she’s getting so much better but her roots are showing. On days ending in “y” we wear blonde. Mariana says right, I’ll be touching up my hair later.

Stef runs into Mike outside the precinct. He asks about Brandon’s appointment and mentions that Brandon hasn’t called him back in ages. Mike thinks it’s because Brandon got beaten up outside the apartment. Stef says that’s silly. A detective comes out and tells Stef that no one has seen Ana. Mike gets twitchy and tells Stef to leave it alone and stop looking for Ana. Mike, you know Stef has seen Fried Green Tomatoes twelve dozen times (she probably watched it with you on your honeymoon) so all she hears is you telling her “Frank Bennett won’t be bothering you no more.”

Callie walks in and hears Brandon plinking away on the keys and asks how his appointment went. He asks how court was and her news is as discouraging as his. He tries not to look to hopeful at the idea that she won’t get adopted. She says she’s not going to bother with the whole adoption because she’ll be 18 soon and why does she need any more disappointment or heartbreak in her life? But in case he’s feeling too hopeful about his prospects, she asks Brandon to let Wyatt in when he shows up.

At the burger shack, Daphne offers her sympathy about Callie’s court debacle. Callie explains that she’s had too many surprises and would rather not have something else blow up in her face this time. Wyatt kisses Callie and Daphne tells them to cut it out so people can eat.

Emma is tutoring Jesus with his math and announces that the boy will need at least two more study sessions before the mid-term. He tells her that he’s busy with a, um, family thing on Saturday. While he twitches with guilt, she takes it in stride.

Stef bangs on the bathroom door and tells Mariana to hurry up because dinner is ready. Mariana is busy touching up her roots and Stef implores her to give up the foolish idea that she needs to be blonde. When that doesn’t work she offers to pay for her to get it dyed back to brown. Finally, she pulls rank and tells Mariana to get her ass down to dinner or Mama will shave her head.

Stef continues ranting to Lena. She’s in full-on Coach Taylor mode and wants to lay down the law. Lena quickly, but gently points out the ten reasons why Stef is wrong. Lena explains that to her blonde wife, hair is totally no biggie. But, for Lena her hair was a big deal She and her mother fought and fought over Lena’s glorious curls when Lena was in high school. At Lena’s suggestion Stef smartly agrees to let it go. For good measure, she tells Lena she loves her curls, too. So say we all, Lena. So say we all. If Clair Huxtable and Tami Taylor had a daughter that delightful creature would be Lena Adams Foster.

In addition to deciding that they will all have family dinner together regularly, they are also all going to watch Jude be a unicorn by reading his essay in public. Jude tells everyone not to bother coming because it’s just a dumb essay. Nope, Lena says they will all be there to hear him read his award winning essay. Into this heartwarming scene comes Jesus, to say that there’s a social worker at the door.

Stef and Lena did not invite this lady to dinner and it turns out she’s here to take Callie. She says their license to foster kids has expired and since Callie’s adoption has been denied they have to take her out of the Adams Foster house. Callie is becoming Kenny from South Park. Every episode she gets screwed over in some new way.

Callie throws her belongings into a knapsack while Mariana rails on about the injustice of it all. Stef comes in to tell Callie that it sucks and she’s sorry and she promises to get it fixed the next day. Callie says “okay” like she’s had enough grown-ups make promises they didn’t keep.

When Callie walks down the stairs, she asks where Jude is. He bounces down in his coat and wearing a backpack. He’s coming too. Callie and the moms say no. He’s adopted and he can’t go. Callie does that thing where she promises that everything will be fine regardless of whether she believes it. Jude is getting old enough to see through her promises that she’s fine but he nods anyway because all along he’s been the one taking care of Callie. When Prim volunteers to go with Katniss everyone sobs.

Later that night, Emma tutors Jesus and he admits that he doesn’t have a family thing, he’s going to play paintball with the wrestling dudes. She’s annoyed that he lied but otherwise kind of bummed out that she went from being one of the guys on the team to the girl they don’t hang out with because she’s dating Jesus.

At the new foster house Callie is picking at a plate of pasta and telling the lady she has been in six homes in the last seven years. The woman tells her that’s too many and offers her a cookie. Meanwhile, Stef walks into Brandon’s room and thinks he’s playing some beautiful music on his Ross Gellar keyboard. Sadly, no, it’s a recording. He still hasn’t worked up the nerve to see if he can play or not.

She wishes him good night and tells him to call Mike. He brings up that Dani is moving in and Stef does her best not to tell Brandon that his father is a monumental dumbass. He tells her that Mike did break up with Dani but the night of the dance Mike got wasted and came home with blood all over his hands. A light goes off in Stef’s head but she just listens. When he blames himself for his dad drinking and getting in a fight Stef tells him that he’s only responsible for himself and, frankly, they would be thrilled if he just pulled his head out of his ass and stopped breaking laws and trying to have sex with his foster sister.

Callie is sitting on her bed and the cookie woman walks in and asks if she needs the bathroom. Callie says no and the woman tells her that she hasn’t lost a “runner” yet so she’s going to lock Callie in her room. If she needs to pee she should just call for a guard and Pornstache will come let her out. Seriously? If you picked “every time Callie gets screwed over” in the drinking game you’d be dead by now.

Stef is sitting in the courthouse having an unpleasant flashback to the day Vico accepted a plea of two years probation for nearly killing Brandon. Stef stands up and asks someone passing by about seeing the judge but gets waved off.

Back at Paily Anchors Academy, Jesus would like Emma to give him a medal for quitting the wrestling team. Instead to tells him he’s a dumbass and that it’s not his job to fix her life. If she’s unhappy she will damn well fix it herself. She’s going to confront the douchey teammates and tell them they’re being jerks. Find a kitten to rescue, Jesus.

Mariana is walking in the halls when she sees Regina George who tells her that her roots are much better now. Mariana flashes back to the day she found out she made the team and how Regina told Gretchen Weiners that Mariana only made it because she’s Latin and they have quotas to fill. Suck it Regina, and watch out for buses. Who hasn’t tried to fit in only to discover that all that effort only makes you feel like more of an outsider?

Back at the courthouse, Stef runs over to their lawyer who tells her that the judge has an early tee time and is gone for the day. Callie will just have to stay in Litchfield Foster care until Monday. Stef calls Lena and they agree poor Judicorn is going to be devastated but then the judge walks by and Stef bars the door. Stef, you’re familiar with the law, this might not be the best play.

In foster prison, Callie is learning all about the child labor she is going to be doing in the morning. But there’s a knock and it’s Stef and the social worker. Stef says “I’m here for my daughter, bitch”

When Callie gets home, and accepts hugs from everyone. She apologizes for missing Jude’s speech. He says he didn’t do so well since he didn’t exactly feel it without Callie there. But now that she’s home, he gives an impromptu performance of his speech in the living room and it’s a lot of nautical metaphors about family. I think Brandon is the anchor of this family, dead weight and most useful chucked overboard.

Callie tells Stef and Lena that she doesn’t want to worry about getting pulled out of the house any time. She needs a forever family, too. Hang onto your potatoes! We’re going Robert Quinn hunting!

Brandon rolls up to Mike’s house/crime scene. Brandon asks if Dani is there and it feels like he’s working up to telling his dad the truth about his girlfriend. Instead he tells him the truth about his hand. He can’t feel all his fingers. Brandon starts freaking out that he won’t be able to play again and Mike suggests he give it a try. Brandon is worried about who he is going to be if he’s not the piano man. Brandon tries, but he can’t feel the keys.

Stef is sitting in her cruiser when she gets a call from the lawyer. They found Robert Quinn and he’s already be served with abandonment papers. She hops out and runs over to talk to the guy who runs the shelter. He brings out the guy who saw who Ana was arguing with before she went missing. Turns out it was Mike. Either this is some Tim Robbins in Mystic River shit or you might have heard Mike killed a lady.

Back at the burger joint, Callie is telling Daphne that they are going to look for Robert Quinn. Callie hands a customer his order and holy crap it’s Jack McPhee! He leaves a giant tip and watches her from the car. He hands his daughter one of the drinks and she’s the spitting image of Callie. You guys, Jack and Doug Witter had a baby and her name is Callie.

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