Poor, sad Rachel comes home from her soul-sucking telephone job. She ices her neck and tries to get a little relief from the air conditioner. Hello, authentic D.C.-area weather! Rachel takes a look at her power bill and her life manages to get a tiny bit worse. She snaps the unit off and grabs the whole ice cube tray instead.
Frank is listening to Tusk bitch at him over the speakerphone again, this time about an energy crisis. Tusk is wearing his safari hat to go birding, which must be a difficult hobby when you spend your quiet woodland time yelling into your phone. Tusk is currently yelling about samarium, which is a rare earth element used in air conditioners, while Frank brushes aside fault for negotiations with Feng breaking down.
Tusk whines that the President doesn’t like his advice so much anymore. Frank claims to be in the same boat even as he is inwardly butt-dancing around the room at this statement. Tusk asks Frank to work with him and talk to the President, and Frank says he’ll try, but no guarantees. Frank hangs up and tells us that Tusk is on the ropes, and now is the time to hit him with a combination. Oh, just put a bullet in him already. I love this show, but I’m wearying of the monster-international-negotiations-to-bring-down-Tusk plotline.
Big Meeting! Secretary of State Durant says there’s no way the Chinese will lower the price of samarium while they know they have our whole country by its very sweaty nards. Walker is big on his Getting Tough role playing lately, and suggests offering the Chinese a great big gift basket of nothing. Frank advises against “going soft” because he knows how much of politics is just thinly-veiled dick-swinging.
Frank suggests cutting the Chinese out and buying samarium from a third party and then stockpiling it. Looks like it’s time to piss off Pakistan, a nuclear power, by buying nuclear materials from India, a nuclear power, in order to deliberately piss off China, a nuclear power. What could go wrong?
Oh, Lucas. He’s in an orange prison jumpsuit refusing to take a plea, and goodness, does he ever need to take a trip over to Orange is the New Black for some of Sophia’s hairdressing magic. And also some sense-talking from Yoga Jones or the Sister, because Lucas is refusing to take a plea; he wants to go to trial so he can shout accusations about Frank in open court on the public record.
The government lawyer-who is kind of an awesome bad-ass even though we aren’t really meant to be rooting for her-points out that the many nude photos of Zoe that showed up in Lucas’s place could be taken as evidence that Lucas was (is) obsessed with Zoe, which… OK, is not actually far off, except for the part where he’s right.
Agent Green takes notes on the session, because he is a creep. Bad-ass offers a deal-just a quick seven years in prison-and Lucas’s lawyer asks for the cameras to be turned off while they discuss it.
Claire and the First Lady are meeting about the military assault problem and Christina walks in to touch base on President Walker’s schedule. It takes Claire almost no time to seize the opportunity and poison the well, making sure to mention that Christina slept with her last boss, but, hey, if that very attractive young assistant is good at her job, that’s all that matters, right?
A hairline flaw starts at the corner of the First Lady’s mouth and spreads crackling through her body like a fracture on an iced-over pond, undermining her marriage in just a few quick seconds. Claire is all fairness and concerned smiles. It’s one hell of an efficient scene-Claire drives a spike into Tricia’s decades-long marriage in about 30 seconds. Well played, both actresses. That was great.
Lucas’s lawyer is having the worst day (so far) of his career, stuck with a very guilty client who thinks he’s on the side of the angels and would like nothing more than to further incriminate himself. Lucas’s lawyer begs him to take the deal, but Lucas demands to talk to Tom Hammerschmidt before he’ll take anything.
Back at Murky Towers, Remy is getting his metals detected. He takes off his tie to show his neck chain with his mother’s cross on it. Frank offers Remy a drink while one-upping on miserable Southeastern summers, an entirely accurate depiction of a local indoor sport.
Remy is not into the nation toughing out a miserable summer, and dives right into some A/C-saving samarium-talk. I am already tired of typing “samarium,” especially because my brain at first thinks they’re battling over Sumerians every time. Which would also be an awesome show, but different. OK, yes, I digress.
Remy is not into subsidizing the Sumerians, and wants something Tusk can get behind. Remy points out that this international dickering is holding up Tusk’s rare earth refinery in China, not to mention the fact that completing the refinery would get us all the Sumerians we want, maybe even Gilgamesh. Frank does not care about Raymond Tusk’s profits. Remy tries the threat that Tusk isn’t someone to tangle with because he doesn’t know that Frank has an ongoing murder count tattooed on his inner thigh.
Remy asks what the hell Frank actually wants out of all this and Frank plays innocent. Then he finally says he’s sending a message: Stubbornness is far more costly than obedience. It’s what Frank has tattooed on other people’s inner thighs.
Hey, Rachel is doing yet more grueling work! She’s now surrounded by sticky, medium-bored children, reading them a story about a male bee, only the drone has lots of friends and honey instead of just having sex with the queen and dropping dead. Oh, the things we’ll do for a cute lady and strange new feelings. Lisa from the bus is here, also working with the kids, so this must be the church day care center. Because it is this show, the day care center is decorated like the lounge in a 70’s prison show and lit like they might be worried about air raids. Try to stay cheery, kids!
Rachel has the kids pretend to buzz like bees and Lisa, buzzing a little herself, gives Rachel a happy laser beam look.
Frank is practicing his pitching in the yard at Murky Towers. Claire declares that it’s too hot for this nonsense, but Frank needs to get up to scratch and he’s not going to practice out in public where the press can spot him.
Claire brings up a first pitch that Frank threw out back in Greenville in days of yore, and he is not amused. Turns out Frank flubbed his release and ended up bonking himself in the head. Meechum, Frank’s catcher, (Not a metaphor.) (Yet.) makes a joke and Frank totally beanballs him and breaks a pot. Ah, the delightful Underwood sense of humor. Claire totally heard all of that from up in the third Dragon Tower. Frank had better oil her scales especially well tonight.
Lisa and Rachel come giggling out of the FUCKING INDUSTRIAL KIDNAP SHED where they are clearly holding all these children hostage. Daycare, my ass. Also, based on the level of darkness, it’s like 10:00 at night. They laugh at how one of the boys painted his boybits blue. Oh, boys. Hmm. I wonder what alternatives there might be?
Rachel and Lisa talk about what they want to do for dinner as though they’ve had quite a few comfortable dinners together and have just settled on the Experimentation-Lover’s pizza when headlights turn on and Doug manages to start his car in an ominous way. Piss off, Doug. We want to see Rachel and Lisa eat a slice of pizza from both ends like Lady and the Tramp.
(Yes, I know they eat spaghetti in Lady and the Tramp. If you had your fingers poised on the keyboard to fire off a humorless correction, do 20 push-ups and practice throwing a baseball until you have settled down. If you were not planning to fire off a humorless correction, reward yourself by posing like Claire until you can’t handle the heady rush of power anymore.)
Rachel hastily begs off of plans, and Lisa seems exactly as scared of Doug as she should be. She does manage to work in a question about whether Doug is Rachel’s boyfriend, and then nervously asks if she can meet him. Rachel says Doug is shy, and she’ll see Lisa tomorrow. Goddammit, Doug.
In Doug’s Doomcar, Doug gets all up in Rachel’s grill about “interacting” with people, and Rachel defends her right to go to any house of worship with nice music and a strangely intriguing lady in it. Frank doesn’t want her interacting with anyone, because what if someone’s sister’s brother’s cousin comes up from Lynchburg and has an old yearbook with him? For once, Rachel is really asserting herself, saying she likes the Fellowship and does not like confining herself to her terrible job and sad little apartment with no pizza and no Lisa in it. Doug tells Rachel to be “strong” and just live without joy. So Rachel’s options are Lisa, a very nice girl who seems to be involved in a very nice cult, and Doug, A.K.A. Captain Creepylove. SAVE UP FOR A PLANE TICKET, RACHEL.
Hey, we’re back in prison! Lucas still has not signed up for those online Not Sounding Crazy classes. Tom showed up, though, because he’s a good egg. Tom says he’ll do some digging on Lucas’s behalf. Lucas wants to see Tom’s article on his case before he takes a plea. Lucas’s lawyer must be going home and punching straight through his shower door at night. Tom says he’s going to do the article like a real reporter, and Lucas may not like what he writes. Deal. Oh, dear. Sorry you just cut into the line to get murdered, Tom.
Lucas takes the Prison Walk back to his cell, and another inmate spits blood on him. Oh, please, Lucas. Come crying to us after you’ve been served a Tampon McMuffin. That said, Lucas certainly seems to have been maliciously housed in the Dangerous Guy wing.
Frank and President Walker are in conference. Frank says that a bunch of power companies are on board with the subsidies… But not Tusk’s companies. Walker immediately concludes that Tusk is trying to embarrass him. That’s two long, trusting partnerships the Underwoods have torpedoed so far and we’re not even a third into the episode. Frank encourages the President to put pressure on the energy distribution side to make Tusk fall in line. Frank, of course, has a discreet plan to offer up.
Oh, yay, Congresswoman Sharp is back. She’s having some drinks with Remy, who expositions just a bit to remind us that we’re in an energy crisis and everyone’s electric bill is outrageous. Jackie has an amendment coming up that’s going to piss off Tusk a whole bunch. Remy spills that he worked for Frank and Jackie says that explains a lot. That said, they’re getting along way better than they used to. Jackie announces she’s going to wingwoman Remy with the waitress and orders more drinks.
Frank pulls up at Freddy’s for some early morning ribs. Meechum guzzles iced tea while Freddy bitches about how weird the heat makes people-and how horny it’s making his neighbors. Freddy says they’re having sex all over this place in this heat, in a sequence I do not believe for a minute. That kind of heat and humidity, all you want to do is lie motionless except for your fanning hand and using your other hand to press a glass of lemonade to your jugular like a Tennessee Williams character. Nevertheless, in this world, it’s giving a case of The Randies to Freddy’s entire neighborhood.
…And to Hill employees! Good morning, Remy and Jackie, waking up together! Jackie says this never happened and Remy is not getting any special treatment (too late!). Goddamn, Remy has a nice apartment. And some nice pecs. You should think over breaking this off, Jackie. Remy says he loves Jackie’s voice and suggests a round two before business as usual, but Jackie leaves anyway. Jackie takes a moment for Had Some Good Sex Mona Lisa smile out the car window, then gets a text from Remy — Tusk says he’ll see her at the Supreme Court. Jackie calls Frank. Meechum radios ahead to let the White House know Frank is coming. Frank’s Secret Service name is “Little John.”
Once again, Frank and Walker are talking. Frank opposes letting Tusk back into their talks and suggests a price-fixing investigation to get Tusk against the wall. Frank’s insistence is a step too far, and the President moves to call Tusk. Frank knows he has to do some undermining, and fast.
Speaking of undermining, Christina waits with the face of someone who’s been summoned to see Claire.
Claire worries that the First Lady hasn’t fully adjusted to her role yet, and suggests that Christina offer herself as a source of help. Damn, Claire likes to keep things stirred, and stirred briskly. Claire assures Christina that such an approach will in no way be too brash as she whisks the potential tension into a glossy meringue.
In a lonely country house, Tom investigates and starts connecting dots between Frank and poor dead Russo. He leaves some futile messages for Janine.
Meanwhile, Doug and Agent Green fret about the fact that Tom is on the case and has been calling the Vice Presidential press office all day. Green says he’s having some trouble clamping down on the investigation because of “First Amendment” crap. Doug want to know why the hell Lucas isn’t taking a plea, and Green says 35-to-life doesn’t seem to be scaring him. Doug tells Green that it’s time to “remove hope from the equation.” Doug is one scary mofo when he wants things tidy.
Doug reports back to Frank. He hadn’t counted on Tom, which will teach Doug to slack off and only manifest in six places at one time. He says that Janine hasn’t talked to Tom on the phone yet, because of course everyone involved in this is being surveilled right up to their eyeballs. Frank doesn’t want Tom to publish, because then this whole thing will go to trial.
Frank wants a full-frontal attack, so he and Doug can hold the line. They decide to invite hard-drinking D.C. newspaperman Tom to the White House to intimidate him. Um. Doug starts to go, then takes a moment to try to apologize. Frank verbally backhands Doug straight through a wall, leaving a pleasing Doug-shaped hole.
Tom waits while Frank reads an outline of his article. Frank takes them off the record. And then he pulls out Tactic #34: Deep umbrage. Frank also doesn’t think Tom’s questions at the end are fair. He says, “Why don’t you just ask me when I stopped strangling people’s pets?” (Answer: Because we all know that was in Season One.)
Frank calls Russo a friend whose suicide left a deep hole in many lives, and then takes a moment to sidewind his way to calling both Tom and his article shameful. Frank claims the article will give him a headache for a day, tops, and professes his sympathies for Lucas’s “mental illness.” Tom knows Lucas may be obsessed, but he’s not mentally ill.
Frank registers that whiff and tries to keep swinging, but Tom counter-attacks: He knows that Rachel and Kapeniak exist, even if he can’t find them right now. And he’s not backing down on the magical disappearing DUI. Frank compares Tom’s theory to Area 51.
Tom asks Frank a direct question: “Did you kill Peter Russo?” and gets “Tom, you’re embarrassing yourself,” instead of a direct denial. Does Frank have scruples about lying, or does he just know it’s easier to trip yourself up when you commit?
Tom fires again: “Did you kill Zoe Barnes?” Frank starts the process of throwing Tom out, again without a direct answer. Tom appreciates Frank’s time. Start appreciating your own time too, Tom! Smell some roses! Eat a peach! Frank lets Tom out and Doug in, ordering Doug to put this to bed. He would also like Doug to alert him to developments with Tusk and the President, to make sure Remy gets over there before he leaves town, and to manifest a Fabergé egg filled with hummingbird tongues and genies’ tears, just for the fuck of it. Might as well keep Doug sharp.
Oh, dear. Christina puts Claire’s very sensible-sounding advice into action. She buttonholes Tricia Walker to say hey, now that I’m working so closely with The President, please let me know if there’s anything I can do to make your life easier. Thanks to Claire’s excellent groundwork, however, what the First Lady hears is “I am pounding your husband like he’s tonight’s veal cutlets.”
Hey, Janine Skorsky, how’s that quiet, safe life you carefully put together? Sure seems to have a lot of Agent Green in it. Janine says Lucas hasn’t been trying to contact her lately, but Green is nothing if not thorough. After intimidating Janine out of calling her lawyer, he tries to tie her to Lucas in about six different ways. Green wants Janine to sign a statement in front of a U.S. Attorney calling Lucas a liar and to give that same story to Tom.
We may have hit Janine’s limit on what she’s willing to throw aside for a little peace and quiet. She explains that Lucas isn’t a criminal and she’s not going to knuckle under to harassment. Oh, Shesus, so many people in line to get murdered. Green takes that in and then threatens Janine’s mom, just in case we have forgotten for a moment that his is a scumsack.
Back at Murky Towers, Meechum detects Tusk’s metals, but Frank waves him through. Frank is refreshingly direct about the fact that he and Tusk hate each other, and they get down to business. Frank claims to be making an end run around the President to help Tusk out and “avoid conflict.” Oh, that’s sort of adorable. Tusk protests that the President isn’t a good liar, and Frank claims that the first trick to being a really good liar is making people think you’re bad at it. Tusk lashes back that he knows the President’s talents far better than Frank does, not that this is getting homoerotic or anything.
Tusk says he’s not intimidated by an investigation, threatening grid overloads and brownouts in retaliation. Frank is rude enough to bring up Tusk’s price gouging and Tusk goes all blah blah free market Ayn Rand blah.
Tusk accurately accuses Frank of making this whole thing personal and Frank says he’s just trying to protect the President and us all… And then something clicks and Tusk tumbles to the whole thing. He gets it, all of it: This is all about Frank being pissed over the Secretary of State nomination and trying to destroy the President as payback.
Frank denies, denies, denies, but Tusk is on his way out, a live grenade. Tusk runs into Claire on his way out the door, because she has side tunnels and trap doors and knows when Frank is in danger. He says Mrs. Tusk is an admirer of Claire’s work. And that he, Tusk, is all for anything that prevents unnecessary violence. Which is too bad, because guess who just rocketed to the top of the murder list. Tusk wishes Frank sarcastic good luck for his first pitch tonight, and suggests he actually get the ball to the plate this time. Ouch.
And here we are at Camden Yards, and someone sprang for the extra money to use the Orioles’ colors and logos, so good job there. Frank is anxious and bitching about how none of his practice pitching was in a kevlar vest. He snarls at Doug for just manifesting here instead of in the sixteen other places he’s supposed to be, but Doug has never been to Camden Yards, and he would like to take a break and watch himself some baseball.
Time for Frank’s pitch. He gets a big round of applause, even from the Orioles’ mascot. Frank compliments the singer and down homes it into the microphone and then shamelessly panders to the Orioles fans. We get a bunch of southern-fried anticipation music and Frank takes his place and starts to wind up… And then the power goes out to the entire stadium. No, wait, the entire city. To the state? Whoops! Looks like there are some downsides to pissing off an energy titan. And now Baltimore looks as dark as the rest of this show.
The Secret Service rushes out, flashlights at the ready, to hustle Frank away. Walker is on the phone to Tusk, asking what the hell with no power to a major city and when is it coming back on and is this on purpose or what?
Tusk is simply gobsmacked that the President would even think such a thing, even as he is sitting there holding an enormous loose electrical plug that says “Baltimore” on it. The President says this coincidence is pretty darn suspicious. Tusk pshaws such a thing, then threatens to accidentally-on-purpose trip over the cords for Tennessee and Georgia as well — golly, it’s just this darn heat wave making him all woozy. Could be outages for a few days in a row. Walker just can’t figure out why Tusk would do such a thing.
Frank pulls the shiv out of Tusk’s back and then quickly jams in about six more, making Tusk look like he’s been playing Frank and the President against each other. Frank escalates just one more step, but it’s a big one: Suggesting an emergency government takeover of Tusk’s power plants. And then he machos the President into standing firm against Tusk.
Lucas, grey-skinned and sweaty again, reads Tom’s manuscript up against the prison-visitor glass and complains that it makes him sound like a complete jabbering nutball. Tom explains that this is the gentle edit-down from “dangerous jabbering nutball.” He advises against trying to run it. Lucas asks Tom to go and Janine to stay, then he calls Janine on lying to Tom and everyone else. Janine says she’s just trying to save them both and begs Lucas to take the plea. Lucas and Janine both know Frank is going to get away with murdering Zoe.
Back at Freddy’s, Tusk joins Frank. He bitches that Frank can’t seize his power plants, which Frank knows the government totally can. Frank severs the “partnership” that he and Tusk had. He orders Tusk to accept the Sumerian subsidies and call Linda Vasquez on a predialed burner phone to let her know he agrees. To drive his point home, Frank says Tusk may have money, but Frank has men with guns.
They both swung their dicks hard, but Frank’s the one who rang the bell. Frank tosses Tusk a souvenir baseball on his way out.
Rachel comes home to find someone in her apartment who isn’t Lisa. Goddammit. It’s Doug, who is doing an awful lot of recreational manifesting lately. Doug explains that Lucas took the plea, but Rachel has to stay in her apartment because Doug wants to come over and rub her feet and watch her while she’s slee — er, make sure that no one is still looking for her even though he can’t think of a good reason why anyone would be. Oh, and he wants to make sure Rachel doesn’t go to church tonight.
Rachel, no dummy and a former professional at this, cuts to the chase and grabs Doug by the junk. She asks him if sex is what he wants, which, duh, but Doug says this is different and pushes her away. Rachel talks about the Rachel of the Bible, who was worth working for and whose son became a king.
And then she asks Doug if he’s hungry.
We’re all hungry, Rachel. We’re hungry for Frank to push Tusk into one of his own industrial turbines and for you and Lisa to get together and order some Hot Fresh Discovery Pizza and for Claire to destroy the next marriage in a new personal best of fifteen seconds, because she is always striving to be better.
But it looks like we’ll have to stay hungry until next week. See you then.
