Previously on The Fosters, Callie ran away with a hair model but realized there was only room enough in her suitcase for one set of hair products so she ditched him in a motel. Lena got baby crazy and somehow lost her serene, Tami Taylor-esque empathy. Brandon overindulged by heaping his plate from a smorgasbord of bad decisions including, theft, witness tampering, bribery, extortion, and making fake IDs for all of Anchor Beach school for the gifted and well coiffed.
Brandon is playing the piano in the Anchor, Bruce, and Chum memorial music room when Callie walks in and tells him it’s super nice to see him doing something other than skulking in the shadows and trying to hump her leg like a hyperactive dog. She reminds him of the long ago days when she was a new student and he wasn’t a creep and he brought her up there and played her a song about family. He plays it again and adds a nice bit for Jude and then for Callie smashes the keys. He’s joking, and plays his feelings for her until we’re back to creepy town. She tells him they are getting adopted on Monday and he thinks of the 75 ways he can screw it up before then.
Don in the courtyard Callie gets a phone call from Wyatt. The handsome hair model is not in Indiana, he’s right behind her. She beams and hugs him and the crowd roars for the love interest who is not her brother! Brandon watches this scene from his web of spy cams throughout Rosewood the window and looks ready to run Wyatt under with his car. Callie and Wyatt giggle over how funny the word “Hoosier” is and then Callie just has to know if Wyatt was trying to run away from her after he called Stef and Lena. He says he was trying to get out before they got there but with Callie because he L-O-V-E-S her, even if he’s jealous of her hair.
Inside, Jesus is trying to convince Emma to go to the Winter Ball with him during algebra class. She has a date, she doesn’t miss him on the wrestling team, and frankly, is a little sick of these needy Foster boys. Preach, girl. They get interrupted by the teacher, Jesus mouths off, and Emma executes a perfect eyeroll.
Meanwhile, Mariana gets a visit from Zac’s mom who has gone from calling her a whore to shoving a pair of Zac’s tighty-whities in her pocket. Ick. She’s going to help Lena with the Winter Ball. Zac is mortified when he arrives to find his mom with Mariana but brushes off Mariana’s suggestion that his mother needs to see a doctor. Mariana hints that they should go to the dance together but since his mom is chaperoning, Zac thinks he might just stay home.
Stef runs into Mike outside the precinct and tells him she’s not thrilled that he’s working nights and Brandon is home alone all night. Mike says but he’s 16 and Stef says, “I know. He’s plenty old enough to do stupid shit.” Oh you two have no idea. Mike counters that Dani makes Brandon dinner every night with an extra helping of inappropriate. Before Stef can head home, Ana stops her and says that Stef’s son gave her money to change her testimony and if she doesn’t give her $10,000 she’s going to the D.A. Stef leans forward and tells Ana if she ever comes back she will be arrested for trying to extort a police officer.
Jesus is shirtless and doing pull ups for all the teenie boppers who watch this show. Stef walks in and starts doing bicep curls for all the lesbians who still watch this show. She asks if he wants to go back on his meds since he’s flunking classes and kind of being a dick to his teachers. He doesn’t think he’s gotten a fair chance yet so she relents and then asks if he’s seen Ana. All together everyone scream WRONG SON, STEF! She’s got her golden boy blinders on. Jesus learned his lesson in dealing with Ana when Stef got shot, Brandon’s a bit of a slow learner.
Mariana just can’t imagine being such a loser that she would have to go a dance alone. The horror, Kurtz! Callie is going alone. Mariana points out that she could ask Wyatt and his amazing hair and Callie reminds Mariana that he doesn’t even go here. Mariana can’t believe that Zac hasn’t asked her yet and Callie points out that maybe Zac thinks anything short of undies in the pocket is too subtle.
The moms are getting ready for bed and discussing the return of Wyatt. Stef asks, “And how do we feel about him being back?” That’s right, let Lena think for the two of you, because that’s working out really well with the baby storyline. Stef’s not sure if Wyatt is a good guy or not because he let Callie into his car before calling them to say where they were. Oh honey, just wait until you find out what Brandon has been up to, it will change your whole perspective of what “good guy” means.
Lena cranks up her side of the bed and Stef pleads for her to cuddle but Lena has a stack of baby books and she’s not going to stop reading until the kid is born. Stef tells her babies are no biggie. They just eat, sleep, and poop so who needs a book? Lena gives her a warning look but Stef just rattles on and asks for a new bed, or at least to sleep on the same level. But Lena isn’t giving in. Stef would like to “be intimate” with her wife sometime before the baby goes to college. Lena reminds her that they were “intimate” when they inseminated. Oh man, and here we thought Jesus intervened and stopped that shit from happening. Which begs the question, did they inseminate with all the kids at home? Double ick. Stef cracks that there was nothing intimate about a speculum and a cup of co-worker jizz. Lena looks mad, but I’m with Stef on this one.
Brandon apparently didn’t eat much of the tuna noodle casserole Dani made for dinner so she goes poking around to see what his problem is. He totally wants Callie and Jude to get adopted but it would be nice if they could have, after six foster homes, found a different one so his need to boink Callie could be met. Those selfish, motherless, bastards! On top of it all Wyatt is back with his hair and his lack of familial connection to Callie and Brandon is so mad. Dani, the biggest, most inappropriate Brallie shipper of them all, tells Brandon to confess his love and to aid his sweeping gesture she’s going to get Mike out of the house for a few hours so he and Callie can talk and wink, wink, nudge, nudge do whatever else. You, madam, are horrific. Please go away forever.
Meanwhile, Wyatt gets a text from Callie saying he can come back to school and she just needs to know where he’s staying. Turns out this beautiful hobo is staying in his car, by the beach. Hmm, tell me about how your life sucks, again Brandon? The next morning, Wyatt is washing his abs and glorious hair in an outdoor shower (you’re welcome gay dudes and teenie bopper girls). When he goes to get dressed he returns in time to see his car towed. Suck city, population: one hair model.
Mariana walks up to Zac, ready to ask him to the formal but he stops her and walks her to her locker where he has installed a mini door. Behind the door his a picture of him, dressed like James Bond. It’s was his mom’s idea to ask her which is not a thing most girls want to hear, but okay. She says yes because even his overly meddlesome, clinically unhinged mother isn’t enough to deter her.
Brandon walks through the halls to get to Callie and Vico nearly knocks him over with a well-placed shoulder. Callie asks what’s up and Brandon says, “Well he keyed my car and ran into me, so that’s obviously the big revenge he was plotting, right?” He asks her to meet him at Mike’s to, um, hear some music because that’s a normal sibling thing, right? She says well how about the music room at lunch? He scrambles to find a reason to get her to Mike’s and she agrees to come after group. Callie strolls through the halls and hears the announcement for Winter Ball Queen and, surprise!, she was nominated.
Wyatt thinks Callie would make a great Queen but she wants to take her name off the ballot. He says she should own the nomination and turn the joke around. Nice sentiment, but does no one ever watch teen movies? She asks for a ride to group so he has to spill that his car got towed and that he was living in it since his friend’s parents wouldn’t take him in. A kid who doesn’t lie? Am I hallucinating?
Brandon is playing the piano and singing “Callie’s Song.” He sings about his only crime being love. Actually, dude, you felonious actions go way beyond loving your soon to be sister. Callie texts him and cancels because Wyatt is legitimately homeless and Brandon is so mad that he won’t listen to him try to woo her (again) so she can say no (again) that he throws his phone across the room.
Callie is busy asking Daphne to take Wyatt in for a few days. Daphne doesn’t like it but she relents and offers Wyatt some soup and some chips from her BEAUTIFUL LUNCHABLES. He wants to know how Daphne and Callie met and Daphne tells him they met when she beat the ever living crap out of her in juvie. Welcome home, Wyatt, don’t get too comfortable.
Back in the great lesbian kitchen, Callie is informing everyone she doesn’t want to go to the stupid dance or be on the stupid ballot because it’s all just a stupid joke. Mariana is all”why won’t people make me the butt of their jokes?” Check her for a head injury, moms, because last week she was the butt of all the panty jokes. Stef and Lena are all for Callie going to show just how happy and invested she is in her school because popularity is a super important on her P.O.’s report. Lena tells a story about how she used to get called “Oreo” at school and that when they found out she was a lesbian they called her a “Klondyke.” Stef and Jesus snort, because it’s awful but kind of funny, too. Lena, gives Stef a look, and continues with the story of how she brought one hundred Klondikes to school and handed them out. No one ever made fun of her again. She’s all about rising above, and thinks Callie should too. Just remember, moms, this whole thing was your stupid idea, okay?
At the dance Wyatt is serving punch and thanks Callie for getting him the gig so he can afford to get his car back. He’s curious about why Callie is still on the ballot and she tells him this is her rising above. Oh our little Icarus, I am sure all this rising above will end just fine. Lena is trying to explain the incredibly intricate voting system to Zac’s mom who is all “I love lesbians, I’m a liberal, how fucked up was voting Florida in 2000?” Lena backs away slowly while Mrs. Rogers high fives her and yells, “Hanging Chads!” Principal Sanchez doesn’t like that Callie isn’t dancing. Mandatory fun, people! Lena, who has her brain consumed by either baby hormones or zombies, comes up with the bright plan of having Brandon dance with Callie. Seriously, has anyone checked the closets to be sure the real Lena isn’t bound and gagged?
Jesus bitches to Emma about her date and she says, “Well, I sure as hell have done worse.” Emma really is the best. Brandon stomps up to Callie and says “Mom says I have to dance with you.” Which is one of the more brother-sister things we’ve seen so far. Callie leaves her purse unattended and follows him to the dance floor. Drunk black guy tells Callie he voted for her and all the way to the dance floor Callie’s spidey sense is going off like the Swiss Family Robinson pirate alarms. While they walk three miles to the dance floor, Emma’s date disappears into a bathroom stall with a couple of other guys (very Brian Kinney of him) and they pass around some booze and toast Callie.
Zac’s mom cuts in on Mariana’s dance and then starts asking Zac how he can flaunt the fact he screwing Mariana in front of all their friends and then storms off. I’ll take “Early Onset Alzheimer’s” for $200, please, Alex. Callie and Brandon step off the dance floor to chat. She starts saying how much she hates being there and they he goes off about how he hates that he has to be there for her whenever she needs him but she bails on him when he needs to talk to her. She starts to say she was with Wyatt (who was living in his car, Brandon) and he says, “I’m still in love with you.” She explains, using small words so he can understand, that they are going to be siblings in a matter of days so just back off. He counters with the fact that they can be together, he’ll live at Mike’s and they won’t really be siblings. She calls him on the bullshit that is because if they aren’t really brother and sister, Lena and Stef won’t really be her moms. She needs a family, not a puppy dog chasing her around.
He chases after her and she tells him they can’t keep doing this. The boy apparently has a hearing problem where “no” doesn’t penetrate his brain. He says what they have comes once in a lifetime. Then he pleads for her to tell him something to help him get over her. Do you want her to brush your teeth or tie your shoes too? She lies and says she had sex with Wyatt on their trip to Indiana. Brandon storms off and Callie gets called to the stage for the crowning of the King and Queen.
Outside Mariana and Zac are looking for his mom. Callie and Vico get crowned King and Queen and Callie gives a nice speech about rising above and how nice it feels to be wearing these wings everyone made of feathers and wax and they’re holding up nicely under the hot spotlights. Lena, and her broken spidey sense, is smiling and just so darn proud. At least she is until Talya is busy snitching to Sanchez about something. Turns out the drunk girls in the bathroom think Callie bought them the booze so they would vote for her.
Callie knows she’s being set up and Lena tries to convince Sanchez that it was her stupid idea for Callie to stay on the ballot. Callie tell Sanchez to check her purse because she doesn’t have an ID. Vico can barely spell his own name, for him to set all this up strains credulity. Stef arrives and wants to know what the hell is going on. Talk to your son, Stephanie.
Meanwhile, Emma is making out with her date who is getting a little extra handsy. Jesus storms in and shoves the guy against the wall to try to take his keys. Emma informs Jesus that she’s driving and he needs to mind his own business. Zac and Mariana find his mom sitting on a bench, overlooking the water. She doesn’t recognize Zac at all.
When they dump out Callie’s purse they find a fake ID. She says it’s not hers but it has her face on it and her name and none of them think anyone could pull of this elaborate of a hoax, either so they don’t believe her. Brandon confronts Vico, who seems to have all his bases covered. Brandon is pissed and goes at Vico but Wyatt breaks it up and tells him if he knows anything about the shit going down with Callie he better go fix it, pronto. Wyatt, please never leave us again.
A cop is asking Callie why anyone would go through all this trouble to get back at her. Brandon walks in and takes the blame. He was so mad at her for not giving in to his myriad inappropriate advances that he set her up. He tells how he made the IDs and stole her phone and shows off his ID when they ask how he bought the alcohol. He takes the blame because now he understands that Callie never loved him. Oh come on, dude! You don’t get to be the hero here. This is the mess you made, you’re not a martyr. The cop asks what Stef wants him to do and she says “Arrest him.” Jude, you have favorite son sewn up for the foreseeable future, little buddy.
Brandon gets led through the dance in cuffs but before he can go in the back of the cop car, Callie runs up and says that what she told him about Wyatt wasn’t true. At the precinct, Mike says the cops don’t want to do the paperwork on the charges so he and Stef get in the car and start asking questions. Brandon tells them everything, from making the IDs to bribing Ana. Golden boy, you’re in deep shit now.
Next week is the Season 1 finale.
