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“House of Cards” recap (2.5): The Bloody Angle

Oh, Shesus, what an opening image. On a balmy morning, drapes blowing in the breeze, a man is tied to a mantelpiece and there are sounds of physical exertion. A plastic bag is over the man’s head. It’s impossible to tell if it’s torture, murder, or sex at first. (Spoiler: It’s sex.) Another man and a woman are helping out, and one of them finally pulls the wrapping off the recipient’s head. Hey, hey, a plastic bag is not a toy! Doesn’t anyone read the warning labels anymore?

Into the woods we go, with a Civil War re-enactor. Oh, criminy, let’s go back to the near-lethal sex. There are cannons and those bunched-up, truncated hats. Do you think some Civil War visionary designed those hats so we would always immediately know which war was being depicted? (Ah, they’re called “kepis.” Now we’ve all learned something today and can go back to savoring depravity with clear consciences.)

There are a surprising number of spectators at this re-enactment, including Frank Underwood, who looks at us knowingly, with just the right amount of can-you-believe-this-shit boredom.

A knock on the door and Mr. Feng, now wearing clothes and not wearing a plastic bag on his head, is summoned to a meeting. His lackey pays Feng’s helpful asphyxiation pals then thousand somethings. I don’t want to make assumptions about monetary units. Or units in general. It’s impolite. Speaking of impolite, the asphyxiation pals are gauche enough to count the 10,000 right there. That better have been one hell of a dual-person oxygen-restricted blow job. Though I guess that must be true by definition.

Frank speaks to the crowd and it turns out they’ve been watching the lead-up to the surrender at the Appomattox Court House. That’s got to be a tricky day for a South Carolina man. Well, you’re the Vice President of the Union, now. No hard feelings, Frank. Holy crap, that’s a three-day event. Of watching people pretend to die horribly. Which did you enjoy more, the gangrene tent or the syphilis booth?

Frank speaks to us and explains that he’s no fan of the Confederacy. Or of starting wars you can’t win. And of raising flags for asinine causes like slavery. Hey, Frank’s on the right side of that one!

Hello, Claire! Claire is calmly saying that people will move on from the abortion interview, Connor isn’t so sure. He’s understandably concerned that the abortion Claire spoke of in her interview happened five years after she claimed it did and someone might notice. Claire isn’t worried. She says there are no medical records and there were no nurses there, just the doctor, and he’s dead. I’m a little surprised that Claire is this lackadaisical about it.

Connor wants to get out ahead and shape Claire’s image, since the assault she survived is part of it now. Claire does not wish to talk about it. She brings Willa back into the room to ask how things are going with the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The Chairman is unavailable, but the director of the Joint Staff is. 11 a.m., tomorrow, Frank’s office. That sounds like a fine place for all or part of Hell to break loose, yes. Claire would also like Congresswoman Brooks and the First Lady on the phone. And then Claire pulls out her second-longest and -sturdiest spoon, the one she uses for shit-stirring.

Doug and Frank are in a nice, clean, dim car, so happy to be away from woods and gunpowder and simulated lice. Omniscient Doug offers Frank a briefing on everyone in the summit with the Chinese, but Frank says that what Secretary of State Durant is doing in Washington is a sham-the real deal will be with Feng. Let’s hope he doesn’t choke during negotiations.

Xander Feng has deep ties to the Democratic Party and is big in telecom and has a net worth of $50 billion-which dwarfs Industrialist Tusk’s fortunes by quite a bit. Doug doesn’t know of any ties (heh) between Feng and Tusk other than the rare earth business, so he’s curious to know what Feng wants. Frank knows that Tusk is an opportunist, because it takes one to know one. And Frank would like the opportunity to undercut Tusk.

Frank walks past a moderate-sized gaggle of reporters who want comments on the upcoming summit talks. Um. Feng is waiting for him. Frank offers tea and pleasantries, and then they get down to business. Page 4 is the rare earth refinery that Feng intends to open with Tusk; Frank pushes him to open the deal up to other bidders. For appearances.

Photo by Nathaniel Bell. Image courtesy of Netflix.

Next is a bridge over the Long Island Sound. Who knew that bridges would be such a political hot-button issue this year? Feng has one little issue that he wants to discuss before they can get down to bridging: A currency manipulation lawsuit against China. Frank offers to back off the suit, but actually Feng wants him to make sure the lawsuit is pursued. He says China needs it to look like America forced a World Trade Organization ruling, not that China gave in. Frank asks for a little time to brief the President. Frank explains to us that back in Gaffney, the key to diplomacy is to shake with your right hand, but hold a rock in your left. Feng seems to have handed him a rather large and pointy rock.

Connor walks into the hotel lobby past some of the press pool. They are bored out of their goddamn trees with the Civil War stuff and crave meat.

Photo by Nathaniel Bell. Image courtesy of Netflix.

Frank and Doug confer. Frank wants Doug to tell Secretary of State Durant the exact opposite of what Feng said-that they need to drop the WTO lawsuit before they can discuss the bridge. Feng and Tusk want the suit to keep going, but does Beijing? Frank knows that Feng and Tusk (Could this pairing of names be any more delightful?) profit if the suit goes through. Doug knows that forcing Beijing’s hand could throw the summit, which, yes, is what Frank has in mind. Frank would like a nice, tidy leak about dropping the suit with just a soupçon of Feng.

(Yes, there are a lot of international business deals and treaty negotiations this season. Remember when you could just send a sitting Congressman an escort and douse him in alcohol? Good times. But, hey, bigger plans call for more complex set-ups, so we must bide our time a little.)

Ooh, time to go to the Hacker Lair! Bosch/Gavin/The Parrot cuddles Cashew the Guinea Pig while Lucas practices slipping his (fake) evil thumb drive into an industrial server.

Lucas feels good about his sneakiness mojo and pushes Gavin to hurry up and finish coding so he can let ‘er rip. Gavin puts Cashew back in her cage and gives Lucas a really good chance to back out. Lucas machos about having faced death threats instead of listening to him. And now it is time for some dick-measuring over journalists vs. hacking soldiers. Gavin gives Lucas one more chance to not get thrown in jail forever, but he won’t take it.

Out in the beautiful Spotsylvania countryside, Connor leaks like he in the care of my former building manager. He says there’s a Chinese businessman who’s back-channeling the negotiations, and oh, P.S., maybe the nice reporter he’s leaking to will remember this little favor later. Psst. Reporter. You should maybe look up this former colleague named Zoe.

Doug gives a progress report on the leaking, which Frank doesn’t care for because it’s too many degrees away. He wants Doug to meet with Feng himself tonight, which should be no problem because Doug only has to manifest in like six other places. Oh, and Lucas is thiiiis close to committing some cyberterrorism, so no worries there. Frank wants it clean, like all of his kills.

Claire is at her Power Women’s luncheon, talking military sexual assault. Claire and Congresswoman Brooks-who, it turns out, is head of the Congressional Women’s Caucus-corner the First Lady into adding her media might to their cause. They want the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs to take notice. (Oh, and stoke Claire’s power like a locomotive engine.) The First Lady has some good self-protective instincts and hesitates. She uses the excuse that she hasn’t been through the same experience. Does she even have the right to speak about that? Claire boosts the First Lady’s confidence in her right to speak with one hand while tying her up into a neat little package with the other.

A Shifty Young Man comes in to visit a very pleasant older Southern lady, Susan Marbury. Oh, dear. She pours him some coffee while she admits she’s been looking forward to this all day. Anyway, Shifty is claiming to be from Planned Parenthood, and he wants to name a fund after her late husband. Shifty says he has some… delicate questions. Back in Washington, Claire opens a single eye and sniffs the new ill scent on the breeze.

Shifty wants to know if the late Dr. Marbury ever performed illegal abortions. Mrs. Marbury won’t discuss that. She starts to give him a quick schooling on how women used to die from unsafe abortions, but Shifty is also rude, and he interrupts her. He wants to know if any prominent figures ever came to the Dr. Marbury. Specifically, Claire Underwood.

Claire? Get your fireballs ready. Mrs. Marbury is properly indignant.

She says it’s not true and directly tells him he can march out of there, which is how you can tell when you have gotten a southern lady well and truly mad at you. And it is about then when you really should get your ass marching. But Shifty gives his real name, finally: Seth Grayson, and he’s not from Planned Parenthood.

Feng is meditating-he is all about controlling the breath-when an assistant comes in and warns him that the speculation that he’s the one wheeling and dealing behind everyone’s back has reached two different papers in China. Does her want her to call Frank Underwood? Feng, in a very scary voice, asks her to get Tusk on the phone and let Frank come to him on his own.

Mrs. Marbury is disgusted with Seth. He’s evidently told her that he works for Claire Underwood, and she accuses him of being some right-wing fanatic instead. Seth essentially threatens Mrs. Marbury with the press hounding her if this all gets out… and then weasels her husband’s journal out of her. Just to be safe. Wow, it’s not even in a box in the attic or anything. Just right there in the desk. Seth says he needs to take the whole journal, 60 years-apparently very tightly summed up into one book-of her late husband’s life.

Back in the woods! There are people around, so probably no one is getting murdered at the moment. Probably. Like 70% sure. Frank is getting a tour of the battlefield while fake soldiers fake lounging around. Really? They re-enact the resting parts too? They make it to the Bloody Angle, which is where the topography forced the two sides together and also a great name for a hardcore all-girl punk band.

And then, as a special surprise for the Vice President, Corporal Augustus Underwood, Frank’s great-great-great grandfather, comes up from the underbrush. Augustus shakes Frank’s hand and, as a greeting, says “I died here in this battle.” Anyone using that on a blind date or client meeting, please keep me informed of the results.

Frank thinks there has been a mistake; his grandfather never mentioned any Underwoods in the war. Augustus, stubbornly staying in character even though this is clearly creeping the shit out of the Vice President, says he was 24 and Frank’s great-great grandfather was two years old and they never met. Augustus points to the edge of the woods where his skull was bashed in with a rock and settles me on the theme of my next dinner party.

The park ranger accurately assesses how badly this has gone over and starts to lead Frank away, but he turns back to the soldier and says “Tell me more.” (Psst! Frank! That is not your actual grandfather. It is some dude who goes to the woods in terrible butt-itching undergarments and pretends to get his skull bashed in with a rock every weekend. And he doesn’t even get to catch fish or pretend to be an elf. Not that that necessarily means he didn’t do his research. Just that you might want to get a second source on this one.)

Augustus says it was the middle of the night and they were out of musket balls and he didn’t even have a bayonet, just his bare hands to fight with. And it was so dark. Augustus says a Yankee brushed against him and he bit him so hard he could taste the bone. (Um, as documented by whom? Has anyone done an evaluation of Augustus lately? Maybe a quick visit to the laudanum tent?) And then the yankee smashed in Augustus’s head with a rock. That he was carrying around in case of Confederate werewolves, I guess. Good back story, Augustus. B+.

The press, bored out of their own caved-in skulls, take pictures of Frank and Augustus. Frank snaps out of it and notes that Augustus is taking this whole thing rather seriously. But he still looks back at Augustus one more time.

Oh, no, Green is at the Hacker’s Lair, because of course he heard every word of GavinBosch the Parrot trying as hard as he could to get Lucas to run without actually saying it. Green makes fun of The Parrot’s silk pajamas and then-No, you monster-takes Cashew out of her cage. BITE HIM, CASHEW. GO CLAIRE ON HIS ASS.

Gavin begs Green to put Cashew down and Green puts her on the floor-and then pins her with his foot. Green presses hard enough to make Cashew squeal as he machos about how he wouldn’t even worry about the mess on the shoes if he squashed her. Gavin has tears in his eyes as he begs Green not to hurt her. Green makes Gavin kneel before he lets Cashew go She runs straight to Gavin for comfort. I hope Frank and Claire put Agent Green on their To Destroy list.

Holy crap. Gavin starts to bark at Green and I hope he’s about to turn werewolf and bite down to the bone himself, but he’s just demonstrating that, yes, he’s the FBI’s pet. Green goes through like 15 more dog metaphors because dickheads are not big on creativity.

Doug visits Feng. Feng mixed an Old Fashioned exactly wrong-Muddle, damn you! If you can’t bring yourself to do it, have your asphyxiation pals come in for an evening-and notes that his grandfather was in the Revolution, back when sugar was scarce. Feng is about as big on shilly-shallying as he is on muddling. He dives right in and says that he’s seen the news and he’s pissed about the lawsuit being dropped. Doug points out that the American government is having a hard time believing that Feng and the Chinese government are really rooting for the same thing. Oooh, Feng calls Doug an errand boy and then question Frank’s pull with the government. Doug, in turn, questions Feng’s legitimacy. Seeing as how the Chinese delegation doesn’t support a single thing Feng says and all.

Feng shifts the conversation to his $40,000 a bottle whisky. That’s four dual-person oxygen-restricted blow jobs! He asks Doug, an alcoholic, if he misses drinking. Doug swats a hand job’s worth of whiskey straight onto the floor. Doug is rattled in a way we usually don’t see him. Interesting. But also: Really? He isn’t used to these kind of pissing matches by now?

Feng says no lawsuit, no bridge. He elaborates that there will be members on the standing committee who will protest when the lawsuit gets reintroduced, but he’ll handle them. He also asks Doug to remind the Vice President that they’re both here on behalf of Tusk, and that Feng would be happy to bypass Frank. Sheesh. Tusk had better go down in a room full of fireworks, bulb horns, and jinglebells after all this buildup.

Back in Frank’s hotel room, Doug reports back. Frank is on the floor reading up on Appomattox, and brings up General Longstreet, who was accidentally shot by his own men in the dark. (He survived.) Frank says the President will be greatly upset. Which Frank wants-he just wants the President upset with Tusk, not with Feng. This is one hell of a long and complicated game. Doug goes off- Because who needs sleep? Not Doug-to have the State Department crew bring up the bridge but not the lawsuit, just to see if Feng is bluffing. And then they’re going to put their index fingers really near to Feng but not actually touch him, just to see if he gets irritated easily. And then they’ll give him that little bitter piece of paper to see if he’s a supertaster.

Frank tells us we need to learn from General Longstreet, who rode too high in the saddle. He intends to do some ducking and slouching tomorrow. While riding a Shetland pony.

Photo by Nathaniel Bell. Image courtesy of Netflix.

FINALLY, we are back to Claire. She welcomes some highly bemedaled military men to Frank’s office for a chat. The Joint Chiefs say they have been super awesomely open to listening to concerns about military sexual assault. Congresswoman Brooks would characterize their responsiveness a little differently. Claire throws her weight behind Brooks and one of the generals just manages to interrupt her. Enjoy your nards while they’re still attached to your body instead of hanging from Claire’s rear view mirror, General.

The Generals want to keep jurisdiction over sexual assault reports under their chain of command (Everyone sees the problem with that, yes? Good.) and they’re just fresh from refusing to turn it over to civilian jurisdiction when the First Lady sweets her way in and the generals get a sense of just how big a media wallop this thing might have.

Claire suggests civilian oversight instead of civilian courts, and the generals scoff until the FLOTUS brings the hammer down and reminds them that her civilian husband oversees their asses. And what were they suggesting about that, exactly? The generals admit that, yes, that civilian guidance is just swell, so the First Lady very demurely suggests that they shut their medal-encrusted spamholes and listen to Claire for 30 seconds. I like the First Lady-she’s revealing a little more moxie than she seemed to have at first.

Claire points out that the military’s own sexual assault literature is pretty messed up, and the generals make worried faces and wish they were somewhere safer, someplace less scary, someplace without so much Claire in it.

Back in the Spotsylvania hotel, Connor’s contact tells him that Feng has been charged with corruption twice back in China, and that conviction carries a death sentence. She’s skeptical that Feng is really a legitimate part of the Chinese delegation. So say we all.

Frank is taking another raftload of guff from President Walker. The President needs that bridge for his infrastructure program, and he needs foreign investment in it for the deficit reduction. We switch sides in the conversation to see that Tusk is right there in the room with the President. Tusk breaks into the conversation and we switch back to Frank so we can see the distaste wash across his face.

“Here comes the bullet,” Frank says, and he’s correct. Tusk tattles that Feng says Frank hasn’t been conveying his messages properly, that he’s been saying the opposite of what Feng wants. Frank ducks, catches the bullet, and whips it back, accusing Tusk of backchanneling his backchanneling. Then Frank accuses Feng of telling him and Tusk completely different things, because if bullets are flying, why not spread a little fog?

Frank expertly connects Tusk’s profits from the rare earth refinery to the problems over the bridge. The President wants that bridge, and no more damn backchanneling with Feng from anybody, so just stay away from him. Frank admits that he took a little grazing to the cheek, but he doesn’t seem worried. He immediately disobeys a direct Presidential order and tells Doug to get Feng on the phone.

…But Doug has been on the phone with Seth Grayson.

Claire swirls elegantly into her office to meet Grayson, casally picking her teeth with one of General McGinnis’s femurs. He’s pretty cold-blooded himself, opening with the real date of Claire’s abortion. He says Claire should trust him because there was evidence Connor failed to destroy-and he, Seth, brought it to Claire instead of selling it to the press.

Seth wants to be the Underwoods’ publicity manager instead of Connor. Claire wonders why the hell he didn’t just apply like a sane person back when she was taking applications. Seth says that Claire’s assistant Willa doesn’t like him, and says the journal he strongarmed away will serve as his résumé. Uh, Claire? You’re going to do some more checking on that, yes?

She does point out that this is extortion, but Seth finesses that. And he has a plan for him to work with Connor until Connor can’t stand it, and then arrange for a job offer elsewhere. Cripes, Seth has deceit and danger rolling off of him like cigar smoke. Claire wants to know what will keep Connor from telling what he knows and Seth vaguely says he’ll handle it. Oh, Underwoods, you’ve got to murder this one, and quick.

Seth says that it’s far easier for Claire to destroy him than the other way around, which is an accurate statement, but I don’t think Seth believes or understands the full truth of it as he says it. Claire says she needs to run this by Frank and seethe into her scrying pool for a bit. On his way out, Seth lies that he didn’t make any copies of the journal. Right.

In the trailer for Season 2, we saw Claire say “Let’s make him suffer.” I keep wondering who the object of that statement will be, and the show keeps throwing new candidates at us.

In a bar that is way too spacious to be a real D.C. bar, Lucas and Gavin make the pass of the thumb drive. Lucas is confident and feeling great. Gavin not so much. He buys Lucas’s drink, then makes eye contact with Green, who is across the room stiffing the bartender and wishing there were more children in here to scare.

Claire discusses Grayson with Frank. She wants Doug to look into Grayson before they hire him, but Frank wants Seth safely inside their tent instead of outside and potentially pissing in. Claire doesn’t like it. And she sure as hell doesn’t trust Grayson. Good.

Frank tells Claire that his negotiations could go either way and that he’ll be back tomorrow. They exchange an “I love you,” which I believe is true, perhaps in ways the rest of us can’t understand.

Frank goes out to the re-enactment camp, where everyone is eating bug-infested hardtack and gristle-and-boot stew for authenticity. Frank waves away the press lights and the ranger takes him to see Augustus, who is playing “Hard Times” on a violin.

Oh, criminy, Augustus insists on answering in first person as Augustus, and won’t tell Frank his real name, because this is his reality while he’s here. Frank asks Augustus to show him the exact spot where he died, and Augustus is way too into that job. Frank goes deep into the trees to pay respects to his ancestor, so if Augustus and the press and Secret Service could just give him a moment, that would be terrific. Frank just wants to be alone with his thoughts. Oh, and maybe with Feng, who’s here too. They compare dead ancestors to say hello.

Feng says the fear of death motivates him to keep achieving. Frank feels they’re kindred spirits. Feng accuses Frank of sabotaging the negotiations; Frank counter-accuses Feng of using them for his own ends. Feng says this is the right course of action (that will earn him billions). Frank sends a message to Tusk that he’s not his puppet. Feng threatens that the bridge deal is dead and Frank searches all his pockets for a fuck to give.

Feng warns that the bridge failure will land at Frank’s feet and Frank steps in to deliver a history lesson. Grant defeated Lee because he had more men and was willing to let them die. Frank isn’t intimidated by Feng and Tusk’s billions when he has a Federal budget at his disposal. Feng has a history lesson of his own: Mao didn’t start out with the strongest army, but he took over half a continent. Frank points out that Mao is still just as dead. Feng counterburns that Frank’s ancestor fought for the losing side. Then he spits on Augustus’s death spot.

Lucas takes a Big Corporate Tour of the facility that houses AT&T’s servers. Oh, Lucas. We’re suddenly in a room full of computer servers in cages. Silicon is the new black.

Tusk demands to know if Frank was with Feng last night. Oh, Tusk, a gentleman never tells. Frank loudly denies it. And wonders how the hell Tusk heard such a thing unless he had contact with Feng. Frank goes balls-out and says this is all a test to see how hard the Chinese can push us. He suggests ending the talks and walking away rather than “kowtowing” to the new superpower, and casts aspersions on Tusk’s allegiances just for good measure, all while eating his breakfast and tying his tie.

President Walker is pissed at both Frank and Tusk-at Frank for miscommunications, and at Tusk for bringing in a business partner. The President yells at both men and says he has no choice but to pull out of negotiations and cuts off the conversation. Tusk is stunned. Walker hasn’t hung up on him in 20 years. Frank plays “Hard Times” on the tiniest violin in the world and Tusk is all “bite me,” but he knows he’s in trouble. Frank knows he’s let some troops die, but he’s up for the butchery that’s starting.

Over in Chained Heat Sinks, some complete patsy just opens a cage and lets Lucas in to see one of the servers up close, and maybe stroke it and open up the casing and lick the circuit boards if he wants. Lucas, who is not noticing this surprisingly lax attitude toward security, leans his butt up against a server reeaaallll casually and slips the drive in, and suddenly everything in the room transforms into an FBI agent, including his tour guide. Oh, Lucas. Lucas eats some floor and thinks about his choices.

Back at the battlefield, Doug totally couple-whispers to Connor that they have to discuss something, but later in the car, as Frank gives his speech to people who are <em>still</em> dressed up as Civil War dudes. I wonder how many of them have trench foot at this point. You know, just for the sheer magic of it.

Frank starts to break earth on the new Visitors’ Center, and then has Augustus do it instead. As everyone bows their heads for a moment of silence and prayer, Frank palms his old college ring off his right hand and buries it in the earth. (Frank? They’re going to be digging right there. That’s kind of the point. Your ring tree will never grow.) Augustus side-eyes Frank’s maneuver with the ring and Doug steps in to whisper that they got Lucas. A cannon goes off and Frank and the crowd salute each other.

Hey, so what’s up with burying that class ring? It’s the one that Frank used to tap on tables and things to both knock wood and toughen his knuckles for a fight, as his father taught him to do. It could be that Frank is planning to fight bare-handed, like Augustus did. There’s an interesting theory on Reddit that when Frank was tapping his ring on tables before, he was only toughening his knuckles symbolically; now he knows things are getting serious and he needs to toughen up for real. Whatever your theory, I think we can take it as a good indication that things are only going to get more nuts.

In the meantime, get your muskets and goober peas in order and I’ll see you next week.

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