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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.15): We say to Frankie, “Relax! Don’t do it!”

Jane is sleepy. I always assume when Jane is sleepy that another long, non-sleep-filled night at Maura’s place is the culprit. Work hard, play hard — that’s what I always say. The problem, Frankie claims, is her lack of breakfast. Well, sometimes you also need to get in a quickie before work. It’s the most important meal of the day, depending on what you eat. Ahem.

Tommy comes running in with great news, waking everyone up. He passed the plumber’s apprenticeship exam. Now he only needs three more years of study, training and examination before he can legally fix Maura’s toilet. But it’s not Tommy’s only good news. He is also going to ask Lydia to marry him.

Everyone is thrilled, but Frankie has a roving eye. He has spotted Officer Britney Spears (come on, there’s a resemblance) and has chosen his brother’s big announcement as an opportune time to try and hit that. Tommy sees his brother’s game and is like, son, please. So he goes over as well because sibling rivalry is a powerful thing. Jane is the only Rizzoli who knows not to act like a mangy dog. Plus she already has steak at home so why go begging for hamburger?

Jane teases her girlfriend and says perhaps the Rizzolis aren’t cut out for marriage. See, now that same-sex marriage has become legal in more and more states, the commitment-phobic among us have to come up with more and more creative excuses to get out of making an honest woman out of our women. Just then their phones ring and rob Jane of more “processing” (her gay word, not mine) time with Maura. And it’s off on another fun, flirty murder!

Our happy couple arrive on scene and Maura immediately recognizes the victim, Chef Holden, as the winner of the reality show America’s Best Chef and gets all excited. Is it possible to fangirl over a corpse? Because girlfriend is doing it. She and Frost both geek out about the show, and the two survivors who were the second and third place finishers. I am also suddenly very, very sad because I believe this is the last full episode Lee Thompson Young shot. The finality of it all is simply terrible.

Right, so back to the comparatively happier place of fake murder and grisly death. Maura examines Chef Holden’s body and sniffs him for good measure. What she smells sends her in a panic and makes her nose bleed. She is especially adamant about Jane getting back. Nothing can hurt Jane. SAVE JANE AT ALL COSTS.

Hazmat gets called out to deal with the toxin on his body. Everyone checks out OK, including Maura. Though Jane remains worried about her lady and wants to send her to the ER. Overprotective Jane is always on. But, of course, she balks at taking similar precautions for herself like, say, having to strip down again to take a Silkwood shower. Again. Oh, ladies, don’t even pretend you’re not used to naked shower time together by now.

But they all have to strip, which is a slightly less fun mental image. Frost and Korsak arrive back in the office in their complimentary Tyvek jumpsuits. But Jane and Maura are, and I quote, “changing in the car.” Sure, there’s an entire police station with functioning and private restrooms to use. But, noooo, they’d rather change in front of each other. Plus, we all know they keep spare clothes in the car for those overnight stays when they forget to pack a bag.

Maura heads back in first. They have to keep up appearances and all. (Though, come on, everyone knows.) She stops in the lobby where Frankie is awaiting and there are a bunch of strange packages with foreign postage have arrived for her. So, she picks one up but it makes a strange clicking sound. There’s a bomb on the bus police department lobby. Keep it above 65 miles per hour. Wait, these might not be the correct precautions. She yells for everyone to leave and call the bomb squad, but Frankie refuses and says he is staying with her because if Jane knows he let something happen to her girlfriend he’s as good as dead anyway.

The bomb squad arrives (what, no BT the BT?) and Jane is frantic behind the barricade. That’s Maura and Frankie in there, but mostly Maura. Inside, Maura’s arms are starting to hurt. Um, I kind of thought with all her yoga and self-defense and core strengthening she’d be doing better than Frankie. But whatever, continuity.

Jane watches from her tablet outside because, of course, there’s a crystal-clear live stream of the whole incident. Sure, I can’t find a live feed of anything that doesn’t buffer and pixelate every 30 seconds, but sure. Fine. I’m not bitter. It turns out Jane wasn’t watching to see what was happening as much as keep an eye on her little brother. Because all of a sudden she lets out a “What the hell?” because, seriously, WHAT THE HELL?

Well, now the bomb doesn’t matter because Jane is going to blow up Frankie anyway. With her bare hands. But looks are somewhat deceiving because Other Rizzoli was just allowing Maura to use his beard stubble to scratch her itchy nose. Yes, I know. The beard upon beard metaness is killing me, too. My theory is that this is all just a very elaborate and potentially dangerous way to make Jane jealous.

Frankie tells Maura he loved working on the CafĂ© Racer bike with her. Bonding over fixing an engine throttle together? Super heterosexual. An X-Ray of the package jogs Maura’s memory. And then it all becomes clear. It’s not a bomb. It’s just a fancy coffee maker and its fancy coffee pods she ordered off of Amazon. The look on the bomb tech’s face says it all: “Are you kidding me with these white people problems?”

So. Yay. Crisis averted. Right? Why is Frankie making those puppy dog eyes at Maura and talking about remembering this forever. Francesco Rizzoli Jr., you get those thoughts right out of your head. You hear me? OUT OF YOUR HEAD.

Naturally, Nose Nuzzle Gate does not go unnoticed by Jane. She pointedly questions Maura about hearts and toxins and disastrous outcomes. I love how even though Maura is head-to-toe in a hazmat suit with a full respirator, she knows where the real danger is. Warning! Warning! Mad girlfriend! Very mad girlfriend!

Maura tries to explain it away with the scientific term for “itchy nose,” but Jane gives her the, “Honey, there is SO MUCH to process later”-look.

On the off chance anyone actually cares about the case and not this weird Frankie likes Maura thing this episode has going on, the organic chef was killed by pesticide. Now that’s ironic, and not in the Alanis Morissette way.

Jane leaves but runs into Frankie coming down on the elevator to see Maura. She’s like, “Hey, thanks for trying to protect my girlfriend. Also, stay the fuck away from her. Cool?” Frankie spews some garbage about having liked her for a long time. Never mind that he has never once before in four years given us even the smallest inkling of an indication that he had done any such thing. But Jane just responds, “She’s my family. You’re just my brother. Shut it down. Capiche?”

This whole Wrong Rizzoli mess is enough to put a person off his delicious GMO cookie. Right, Korsak?

OK, let’s breeze through the exposition. Chef Holden won the contest, hired his second and third place rivals to work for him. Chef Third Place was also his recently broken-up-with girlfriend. Chef Second Place ran his food truck. Both said he was a great guy and true believer who would never sell out to the pro-GMO forces of corporate darkness. But, twist! Chef Holden lost his ability to taste in a car accident. So clearly one of the two other chefs did it. Can we please get back to the story that matters?

Jane returns to the station and is accosted by Hope. You remember Hope, right? Maura’s biological mother who thought she was dead because her gangster kingpin boyfriend told her so and then took a bunch of his blood money to open her clinics and also took one of Maura’s kidneys for her “real daughter.” You know, in a nutshell. Anyway, this time she wants Maura’s forgiveness. But Jane is ever the overprotective girlfriend and tells her to go suck it. But slightly more politely. Slightly.

Red Herring No. 1 is Third Place Chef. She was driving the car in the crash that severed his sense of smell. But she didn’t do it because love or something. The only reason this plot isn’t totally annoying me is because it showcases Maura’s adorable foodie fangirl side. Also the amazing fact that Maura watches reality TV. Oh, also they used the term “tasting beard.” So they do know what a beard is. Interesting.

Speaking of Maura, she is back in her lab taste testing hot sauce. See, I told you it was adorable.

Maura “I can smell a fart in New Hapshire” Isles is still troubled by Chef Holden’s inability to smell the pesticide on his chef coat. She realizes his compromised palate extends to his own product, namely his signature hot sauce. She makes Jane try them which is probably a very unsubtle way of making her lick her own fingers. Ladies, get a room.

The taste test doesn’t reveal much, but Maura’s science does. The chef’s new batch of hot sauce contains GMO saffron (at $10 a pound vs. $5,000 a pound for the real stuff). Cue dun-dun-dun noises. This makes Jane hungry so she grabs Maura for an impromptu date.

Frankie and Tommy are already at the Dirty Robber bemoaning the lack of grease and taste on the menu these days. Frankie spits it out (not the food, his feelings) and tells Tommy he thinks he likes Maura. Tommy does his own spit-take in response.

Bless his little heart, Tommy automatically blurts out, “YOU CAN’T LIKE MAURA!” I mean, sure, she’s hot and smart and has a great ass but she is YOUR SISTER. That’s what happened when Jane claimed her. I have never felt more solidarity with Tommy before. I am going to get a giant neon sign that reads “Stop! You can’t!” and flick it on anytime the writers try to hooking up a Rizzoli whose first name isn’t “Jane” with Maura. Won’t help, but at least it will make me feel better.

Tommy tells Frankie he should just forget it because he could never scissor the way Jane scissors. And that’s the end of that because even Frankie realizes it’s true.

So when Jane and Maura arrive Frankie leaves to go buy Officer Britney Spears a beer. Yeah, go hit on someone who isn’t your sister. This isn’t Flowers in the Attic.

Tommy beams as he shows them his huge amethyst engagement ring (because Lydia loves purple, awww) and they make the appropriate cooing noises. But then after he leaves to go show Mama Rizzoli, Jane immediately senses a disturbance in the Happy Girlfriend Forcefield. Hey, if you’ve been in a longterm relationship you know it’s a real thing. And you know the importance of scanning for any blips on the radar in case of sudden feelings sneak attacks.

Maura tells Jane she’s jealous. Oh man, here it comes. I told you, Jane, you should have gotten her a ring. But wait, it isn’t the stereotypical, I-wish-I-was-getting-married-too jealousy. It has nothing to do with her wanting a wedding or hoping her prince (or in this case princess) will come. It’s about her wishing she had a close relationship with her mother. Everyone get up. That deserves a slow clap.

Granted, being adopted doesn’t automatically make people long for their “real” parents. I certainly don’t. But given Maura’s situation you could see how she’d wish for something more. Of course, the obvious response is, “Maura, you already have this. You have Mama Rizzoli.” But Jane is too distracted. Her eyeline has been otherwise engaged this entire conversation.

Jane reveals that Hope came to see her, and Maura pretends it’s no big deal. But even Hope knows to get to Maura you have to go through Jane. So, really, it is a big deal. Also, Jane tells Maura she is her advocate. Really, Jane is her everything.

The next morning Frankie swings by Maura’s office. *clicks on neon sign* Maura offers him some of her bomb-ass coffee and then lets him down easy by saying, “Sometimes we think that something is more than it is.” He suddenly realizes Jane is going to kicks his ass. So he runs off without coffee. *clicks off neon sign*

Since there’s still like 15 minutes left in the show, Red Herring No. 2 emerges. It’s a gangbanger who has been shaking down the food trucks. But at least they got a tasty lunch out of the deal. Maura emerges to give them more fun facts, which of course breaks the case because now there are only 5 minutes left and we need to save the last moments for the Big Gayzzoli Ending.

The Second Place chef did it so he could sell his GMO-laden sauce to Big Industry. Money, greed, secret sauce — it’s the same old story. This one was so easy Jane didn’t even break out the Ponytail of Righteous Justice for the arrest.

Back at the Isles Estates, Jane and Maura walk in. That they are constantly at each other’s houses doesn’t even register on the Gayzzoli Scale these days. It’s just how things are. Mama R is testing out wedding cakes. She says it’s for Tommy, but we know in the back of her mind she’s hoping to finally use that two brides topper she bought after Massachusetts legalized same-sex marriage.

Something tells me Maura knows about the secret cake topper and can’t wait.

There’s a knock at her door and Jane goes to answer because the whole “mi casa es su casa” thing is no joke. Hope doesn’t seem at all surprised when Jane answers. Like I said, at this point everyone knows. They’re just waiting for Jane and Maura to acknowledge it themselves. Hope asks Jane if she can enter Maura’s house. (See!) She also tells Jane and Mama R to stay while she talks with Maura. (See! See!)

Hope wants, needs Maura’s forgiveness. She says she is closing her life-saving clinics to make amends. This offer somehow does not sway Maura. But Mama R does. She talks to her about family and change. And then Jane pipes in about happiness and non-judgment. Is this a PFLAG meeting?

Maura decides to believe in people’s ability to change for the better and literally has Hope start fresh. She sends her outside to knock again. And then opens the door on their second chance. It’s so touching I feel like pouring myself a cup of panda poop tea and having a good happy cry.

You know Mama R is going to have one while polishing off the sampler wedding cakes later.

Jane decides to go out and get some celebratory one-big-happy-family frozen yogurt to commemorate the moment. Everyone orders chocolate and vanilla swirl, because they love Crazy Eyes as much as we do. Maura of course goes Meg Ryan from When Harry Met Sally and asks for hers unswirled (and even better yet, not touching). Jane gives her the look of a girlfriend of a picky eater, and smiles the knowing smile of someone who realizes that love is stronger than the annoyed look of food service professionals when requesting a special order.

And then she leans over and kisses Maura tenderly on the cheek. Yep. Love means never having to say you’re sorry for placing your girlfriend’s weird-ass fro-yo order. And then they have sweet, sweet eye sex because their mothers and mother-in-laws are standing right so the real thing will have to wait.

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