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“Chicago Fire” recap (2.16): “Piece of cake”

Previously on Chicago Fire, Otis wanted to be a member of Severide’s Murder Club but didn’t meet the height requirement. Dawson really wants to be a firefighter even though she and Shay have an ass-slapping good time together. Casey really wants Dawson to stay home where she can maybe knit some sweaters and stay out of harms way. Jones was the worst candidate at 51 since Mills was a wee pup, and Vince Keeler went missing but without the part where anyone missed him.

Severide tromps into the police department to have a little chat with Detective Lindsay. She told him to leave Keeler alone, he listened, so what’s to talk about? Kelly, who cares what you talk about just sit back and listen to that voice. Too bad Erin’s not doing the interrogation. Voight pops his head out of his office and with a voice like gravel in a coffee can says, “Hello, Kelly.” Kelly has the classic, “I was home alone all night” alibi. Voight wants to know if Shay is Kelly’s girlfriend. Severide says she probably would be if she weren’t a lesbian. Oh this is fun, who else? Clarke is a little moody but would make an excellent girlfriend. Severide and Casey have that love/hate kind of bromance. Herrmann is kind of mouthy but he’s got five kids so you know he puts out. If only they were all women. Voight tells Severide that Keeler is scum but until he comes up with a better alibi he’s a suspect.

Herrmann has come up with the perfect twentieth anniversary gift for Cindy. He’s going to get a vasectomy. Everyone thinks this is a terrible idea but Herrmann, once again, is out to prove everyone wrong. Casey finds Dawson in the locker room and tells her he found the perfect place for them to live. It has all the things she told him she didn’t want. Either he’s a terrible listener or his noggin is still broken. She is free to look at places after she drops off her paperwork for the next firefighter’s test. Casey says “well you have to wait until the first test of the new year unless that year ends in a number and then you have to wait six months longer and then you can take the test only if pigs fly.” But you know he “totally” supports her.

Severide calls a meeting of the Squad 3 brain trust in the equipment/sexy times closet. Clarke and Capp have not been contacted by the CPD so Severide tells them we never talked about maiming Keeler, mmkay? Otis finds Severide and starts playing twenty questions about what the CPD knows. He sounds a little crazy. “Did she mention me? Did she say I look cute in orange? Did she say she likes me at all?” Otis this is missing person investigation, not an eighth grade dance.

The crew gets called out to a car accident where one car is halfway through the wall of a house. Inside, the driver of one of the cars is trying to keep the car from crushing a girl and a baby. Mills grabs the baby while Severide does is best Superman impression by holding up the car until the truck crew can pull it out.

Back at 51, Mills tells Jones she’s doing a good job but it will take a while to get into the circle of trust with the rest of the guys. He says she should try to make the first move. Oh lord, next time hand a lighter to a pyromaniac, Millsy. Meanwhile, Cruz and Mouch are trying to tell Herrmann that flowers make a nice anniversary gift, women never say no to jewelry, but a vasectomy seems like another of Hermy’s stupid ideas. Herrmann jumps up and reminds Mouch of his decision to wear red man-panties. Herrmann has it all planned, he’s going to reveal his decision (and hopefully not his actual junk) at Molly’s. Too bad Dawson has already reserved Molly’s for the topless tapas party for her extended family.

Otis gets a call from CPD and runs out to try to talk to Severide. Severide doesn’t want to know anything from Otis and welcomes the Chief to interrupt. They both leave Otis standing alone. Man, no one wants Otis on their team.

Shawson gets called out and finds a guy shot next to a dumpster. They get him into the rig and start working on him when Dawson get a call to get the hell out of there because the shooters are on the way back. The shooters start banging on the back of the rig and shouting for Dawson to open the door all while waving their friendly looking guns around. Shay starts making chit-chat with the guys while Dawson slips into the driver’s seat. The radio voice directs Dawson to a warehouse and the bad guys go zipping past. While they work on the victim, the bad guys circle back. Shay jumps out to get in the driver’s seat and gets shot at for her trouble. The cops finally show up and Shay guns it for the hospital while Dawson tells the radio guy that they owe him a beer.

When they get back to 51, Shay looks like a lady who has been shot at, hit by a truck, gotten a needle stick, and held at gunpoint (twice). Herrmann rushes over to give Dawson a hug. Shay, you’ll get nothing and like it. Herrmann tells Dawson he thinks they should do a combo party. Nope, Dawson doesn’t want her tapas party anywhere near his “I got snipped” party. Jones calls everyone into the lounge. Jones presents Herrmann with a very special cake to commemorate his last day before he gets neutered. Shay has some feelings about what she can’t unsee.

Everyone, but Carol, laughs and then the Chief clears everyone away from the HR department’s worst nightmare.

Otis finds Boden to say he’s heading out to get questioned by a pretty lady. He looks about as nervous as I am around pretty girls. Boden quotes Shakespeare, because of course he does, and then has to explain it like some human Cliff’s notes to Otis. Don’t say too much, Brian. Detective Hairporn asks about Otis last phone call to Katie before she was abducted. They were dating, see? It was perfect and lovely and then Keeler ruined it. Otis admits he drove by Keeler’s house the night keeler went missing but says he grabbed a brew and sat on a bench overlooking the lake. Erin says, “in March?” the way Gilbert Blythe says, “Fishing for lake trout?”

Lindsay checks in with Voight and they agree to set Otis free while she does a full work up. It’s supposed to sound ominous but I think there are plenty of ladies who would give their left arm to get a full work up from Det. Hairporn.

Jones is called into talk to Boden and Casey about what’s appropriate in the workplace. Someone complained that Jones was creating a hostile work environment and now the Chief has to write it up for her file. As a bonus, Boden and Casey will get to have a meeting with Papa Jones after their shift is done. When Jones walks by, Carol says “have a nice day.” Don’t mess with Carol, folks.

In the locker room Cruz asks Otis if there’s anything he needs. Otis thinks for a second and says “oh, yeah I need an alibi, you got one of those kicking around?” Cruz says, sure buddy, whatever you need. I guess when you’ve already killed a guy, what’s a little lie between friends?

Dawson walks into the fire department offices to drop off some paperwork so she can retake the physical test. The broad behind the desk gives her shit for quitting and tells her that the next test is three weeks past never. Dawson name checks a guy who got an exception for being sick and the lady pretends she doesn’t have a clue. So Dawson goes, “You down with RBG?” and lawyers the crap out of it. She cites precedent (the usual suspects, Marbury v Madison, Brown v. Board of Ed. etc), before dropping her paperwork on the desk. Clearly, this lady didn’t know who she was deal with and caves. Nicely done, Ms. Darrow.

Mouch is Herrmann’s ride to his vasectomy. No one would blame Herrmann for not wanting another kid. Herrmann objects. He would love another kid, he just doesn’t want to take anything away from the ones he already has. In the office of father of the year candidate Chief Jones, Boden and Casey are subjected to some really cute sexism. Chief Jones says he daughter has been the academy, ridden on a truck, and now it’s time for her to give up her dream and take the job he wants her to have doing PR for the fire department. Boden and Casey try to explain that Jones isn’t a problem but her dad doesn’t care. Dangerous work is not for women and it’s not for his daughter. He tells Boden to kick her out so she’ll accept the transfer.

Back at the Dawson-Casey love nest, Dawson is filing a brief with the Supreme Court. No, that’s just the application. Casey walks by with a bottle of ketchup, a cup of steaming coffee, some sticky buns, and a plate of nachos. Dawson tells him to take his messy snacks and clumsy hands elsewhere. If he spills on her paperwork she’ll never get to be a firefighter. He dumps the whole load on the forms. Just kidding. He says he can make all the paperwork disappear with one call to Jones’ dad. Then he tells her all about how he and Boden have to get Jones dinged from the program. He’s still confused by Dawson being unhappy about a woman being forced to do something against her will. Bitches, am I right?

Severide walks into his apartment to find Benny and Shay feasting on a fish called crappy. Benny caught it ice fishing with Norm “Son of a” Gunderson. Didya know that Margie made Detective? Oh you betcha. Anyway, Benny says some cryptic shit about people getting lost way out in the wild and frankly, I might order take-out on the off chance that you spell crappy K-E-E-L-E-R and Benny’s running a Fried Green Tomatoes thing. “Secret’s in the sauce.”

Herrmann looks like he rode a horse bareback for one hundred miles. So much for being pain free. Dawson begs him to tell his wife and leave her tapas party alone but when Herrmann commits to something stupid he won’t stop until he’s finished (or sterilized). Mills is giving Jones some more advice because the last round was spectacular. He tells her to go apologize to Boden. She’s confused because “I’m sorry” isn’t in her vocabulary but through a combination of talking slowly and hand gestures, Mills gets her to understand. It’s a little like watching someone give tourists directions in a foreign language.

Benny walks into CPD looking for Voight. He seems a little shaky and leaves his number with the desk sergeant and asks Voight to give him a call. Meanwhile, the crew is called to help a guy stuck on a collapsed stairwell. Jones volunteers to get lowered down since she’s the lightest. She get to the guy and unhooks her line to let him go down alone. Then the structure shifts as she tries to get reattached. She reaches the line and gets out safely.

Back at 51, Jones apologizes to Boden and Casey and tells them that being a firefighter is a lifelong dream and she won’t do anything stupid to jeopardize it. Or at least she won’t do anything else stupid. After she leaves Casey asks the Chief is they really have to kill Bambi. The Chief says, feel free to tell her dad to shove it but I like my job.

Benny and Voight are drinking Scotch and chatting about murder. Voight says, “Go home take a rest. You must be tired from all that killing.” Then he tells Benny he’s a good dad. There are a lot of different ways to be a good dad, but I’m not sure there’s a card for “Thanks for all the murder, Pop!”

It’s time for the anniversary/vasectomy/tapas party at Molly’s. The two families are standing opposite each other just staring like it’s the dance in Footloose. Dawson just got the good news that she can retake the test and Casey goes and tells her he made a phone call on her behalf. Way to make her feel good about her accomplishments, douche. Thank god, Herrmann interrupts Dawson and Casey sucking face to tell everyone he got his junk snipped. He has Cindy open her present. It’s a dick (cake) in a box. Everyone sings, “Step one, cut a hole in the box, step two…” Cindy is thrilled. Finally, sex without the fear of creating more Herrmanns.

Everyone dances, including the adorkable Shawson. They chat about what part of the cake they got and Shay makes a joke about it being the first time she had a johnson in her mouth. This lovely moment is broken up by the voice on the radio. He appears, gives Dawson a icky hug, and ask for the beer he was promised. Smells like stalker to me. Otis hurries over to Severide and is really worried about the fact that Keeler is still out there somewhere. Severide summons his best Idgie Threadgoode and says, “He ain’t out there anymore, Otis.”

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