Previously on Glee, New Directions prepared for Nationals by saying the word “Nationals” a hundred times a day, while Sue tiptoed around in the background peeking around corners and twirling her handlebar mustache and promising to tie Mr. Schue to some rail road tracks if he didn’t bring home the big trophy. Blaine and Tina and Sam and Artie felt really sad about leaving McKinley, a deep, deep sadness that took root in the choir room and grew a grief tree as big as a Redwood that they watered with their tears and nostalgia all the years of the senior year of their life. And something about something with Marley and Ryder and Jake.
It’s Nationals time, for real, which means Mr. Schue has decided to start doing choir director stuff. His first order of business is to call Sam into his office and tell him he’s the new Finn, the real leader of the glee club, a thing that is insane because you can’t spring that role on somebody two minutes before they graduate, and also Blaine is the real leader of the glee club, which Mr. Schue would know if he didn’t spend his days trying to impregnate his wife in the janitor’s closet. But hey, it wouldn’t be a Nationals episode if plots weren’t coming out of nowhere for the singular purpose of sucker punching you right in the place where your heart used to be before this show forced you hole up in a cave above Whoville, scowling down at the noise because it’s an echo of a song you used to love. (And by “you,” I mean “me.”)
Speaking of which sucker punches: Burt and Carole drop in on the glee club to talk about how proud Finn would be of all of them and how you only get one chance to live your life and so they should do it now. They sing Randy Newman‘s “I Love L.A.,” and while they’re dancing around, a strand of space-time weaves its way around them and teleports them out to the west coast. Huh. So that’s how all the teenagers and starving New York artists on this show move around the map with such ease. Music makes space and time wibbly-wobbly.
The only snafoozle the group runs into re: The City of Angels is that Special Agent Sue Sylvester has called ahead to the hotel to say that if a middle aged guy with a perm tries to check in with a bunch of teenagers, someone should call the FBI. While Will is sorting that out, Mercedes glides in, looking like the superstar she always was and totin’ a fake chihuahua in her arms. Turns out she was selling her album-“Hell 2 the No,” duh-in a grocery store parking lot one day, and the next: Kanye West’s housekeeper bought and gave it to him and he gave it to Kim and Kim gave it to Seacrest and Seacrest gave it to Sony, and now she’s writing six songs for probably Katy Perry in exchange for her own record deal.
I don’t love a lot about this episode, but I do love the idea that Santana and Rachel, both of whom were always stealing Mercedes’ thunder, took their high school bullshit to New York while she fled in the complete opposite direction and quietly achieved superstardom in like 90 days.
Also staying in New Directions’ hotel is Throat Explosion, led by the French-Canadian vocal stylings of Jean Baptiste. Blaine (of course) knows Jean Baptiste’s whole life story because he (of course) read all about it on the show choir blogs (of course). Jean Baptiste also knows all about Blaine. He gets up in his space, but his intimidation tactics are thwarted by Sam, who says Throat Explosion’s awesomeness will only get New Directions “out of their comfort zones and send them over the top.” They’re so embarrassed for him-even though they’re all wearing black turtlenecks and literally named “Throat Explosion”-that they skedaddle.
Hey, remember Marley and Jake and Ryder’s love triangle? Yeah, me neither, but instead of tossing it like the cliched garbage it is, the writers have decided to trot it out as the final hurrah for these characters they kept slapping us in the face with the last season and a half. Right? I mean, next week is it for Lima, isn’t it? And it’s the 100th episode, so surely that’s going to be 100 percent Dianna Agron and Heather Morris‘ faces, yeah? How sad (and true to form) for these New New Directioners that Glee resurrected the dumbest story to take it exactly nowhere and then leave it in the desert to die. It’s the ultimate irony that the writers spent all that time trying to make the audience sympathetic to these new characters, but the real reason the characters had our sympathy is because they had these writers writing for them.
Anyway, whatever. Jake comes to Marley Rose’s hotel room and chides her for not listing “Singer/Songwriter” as the occupation on her Facebook page, and instead of telling him that she is 16 years old and so she doesn’t really have an occupation, she tells him this is her last dance because some of her songs got rejected from a songwriting competition and now she’s going to join accounting club. He’s like, “What do you mean, rejected? Did you not include enough puppies and rainbows?” Yes, though! She did! Puppies and kittens and sea otters and cupcakes and rainbows and unicorns and balloons filled with stardust lifting us higher and higher into the heavens where the angels are all gay and the streets are made of Laffy Taffy!
Well, Ryder simply cannot believe this bullshit. He goes back to his room and tells Jake, who’s just lounging around without a shirt, that they’ve got to concoct a plan to save Marley Rose.
New Directions break into the theater the night before the competition and creep around with flashlights and talk about destiny. Sam has brought along a surprise for them: The Finn Plaque Rachel gave them at the end of “The Quarterback,” so they can rest easy that he’s watching over them.
I’m actually getting more and more frustrated about this Finn thing the further away I get from the episode. I mean, yes, of course Finn’s death would hang over these kids for a long, long, long time. And of course they’re going to think about him in times like these. But for me, “The Quarterback” was the goodbye Cory Monteith deserved. It was surprisingly understated and classy, and it was organically heart-wrenching in the extreme. To this very day, it’s still jarring to me when a Glee song shuffles onto my iPod and I hear Monteith’s voice. But, I dunno, this episode feels cheap the way it trots out Finn’s memory to anchor the emotion. It’s the last Nationals we’ll ever see and probably the last time the new kids will even get to speak; there’s enough stuff there to play the audience’s heartstrings however you want, without resorting to this kind of manipulation.
But that’s just me. I saw a lot of people saying a lot of nice things about this episode, about how mourning is like this in real life, which is true. It comes in waves and gets you when you’re up and pulls you crashing to the ground. But it feels lazy and cheap to me.
Jean Baptiste interrupts New Directions’ moment to tell them they won’t be showing any mercy just because their leader died, and also he kicks them out so Throat Explosion can march around on the stage like the Von Trapp kids.
The day of the competition, Carole is doing some last minute tailoring on Tina’s dress while she and Sam chatter away about whatever teenage life stuff. Carole snaps that at least they get to have a life, a thing she regrets as soon as she hears it come out of her mouth. Sam’s like, “Sorry, man. Tina is always doing that.” After the kids leave, Carole confesses that watching these seniors compete in their last Nationals is like watching Finn die all over again. It’s very sad. I cried, I won’t lie. And Romy Rosemont is always a marvel. I just begrudge Glee the tears it manipulated me into crying, is all.
Burt and Carole decide to skip out before the competition because it’s just too hard. I hug you, Carole. I hug you, Burt. I love you both.
Sam flips out when they arrive at the theater because Finn’s plaque is missing because Jean Baptiste stole it because of course he did. But Leader Sam will not be thwarted in his mission to lead! He says he still feels Finn’s spirit with them! He’s holding their hands! He’s cheering them on! Why is this making me so mad! I don’t understand!
And just like that, it’s time for actual Nationals.
Actually, wait. I have to tell you my favorite part of the episode. One of the judges is the creator of the exercise sensation that’s sweeping the nation. It’s called Prancercize, and what’s funny is watching her pretzel across the stage while everyone pretzel’s in the audience, but what’s amazing is Blaine’s face when they announce her name.
The Amazonians perform “Vacation” by The Go Go‘s, dressed like Vegas showgirls, with props and everything. Throat Explosion does a pretty killer “Mr. Roboto/Counting Stars” mash-up. Before New Directions go on, Carole and Burt show up because they’re brave as fuck, and also Carole says “horse poop,” which only makes me love her more. With exactly zero hours of practice, New Directions crushes their set of Boston‘s “More than a Feeling” and Neil Diamond‘s “America” and U2‘s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” The last one with scenes of Finn at his very best.
Sam breaks down after the show and Will is like, “What’s wrong, buddy?” And Sam is all, “I did the best I could with the ten seconds you gave me to prepare to be the leader of this group by hanging the ghost of Finn around my neck.”
Marley also breaks down, but Mercedes talks her back from the ledge. She’s like, “Look, girl. I know what it’s like to fail. It took me three entire months after I graduated from high school to land a contract with a major record label. It can be tough. But you can’t wallow around in eternal misery because these writers have no idea what to do with you. Trust me on that. Chin up, soldier on, you’re very talented and very sweet and I miss your hats.”
New Directions don’t win Nationals. They come in second. Everyone is sad. Except Jean Baptists because he is Skylar Astin and Skylar Astin has Anna Kendrick on speed dial.
Back in Ohio, Jean Baptist has mailed back Finn’s plaque. He didn’t steal it. Another Throat Explosioner stole it and got kicked out of the group. Burt and Carole show up one last time to say how proud Finn would have been of a second place trophy.
But who is not proud of a second place trophy is Sue. She summons Will to her office via Becky, who, by The Laws of Ryan Murphy, is well within her rights as a minority to say whatever horrible thing she wants about other minorities. Using the word “gay” as a slur, just for an example. And just like you knew that was coming, you know this is coming: Sue is pulling the plug on glee club per their previous arrangement that Will had to win Nationals or New Directions would perish. This is the seven hundred thousandth time we’ve seen this exact same storyline, but I guess it’s for real this time? LOL, JK. But it is a nice way to bring back Old New Directions for the 100th episode.
At the Starlight Diner, Kurt rushes in to tell Santana and Rachel that Glee in Lima is over, and they look at each other like, “Jeeezus, finally.”
Next week: The gang comes home to say goodbye to Lima. Again.
