Previously on The Fosters, Lena wanted to make a baby, Stef wanted to make Lena happy, and Timothy wanted to fertilize the world with his magical Rhodes Scholar sperm. Brandon made all the bad decisions. Jesus told Lexi he would wait for her and then met Emma who is cute and not in Honduras so he tried to break up with Lexi. But she came through the immigration vanishing cabinet Malfoy fixed up for her and arrived in the lesbian kitchen in time to mess with Jesus before breaking up with him. Mariana had a sorta date with not gay Zac and they kissed and then he told her he didn’t have time for dating. Stef and Lena found Callie and Jude’s father and Callie claimed she wanted nothing to do with him but then showed up on his front step while Stef and Lena got after it on the living room couch.
Donald Jacob invites Callie to come in but she wants to know what he plans to tell Jude about why he didn’t call or write or even let them know he was out of prison. He needed time to get a job and a place to live and do all the things necessary to get his kids back. It will confuse Jude if he says those things, Callie tells him. Callie, you can hide behind your brother as much as you want but we see what you’re doing.
Callie walks in with Stef and Lena asks how group went. Callie skipped it but says she sat in the lobby and did her homework. They remind her that group is part of her probation and she says she’ll make it up. Callie nearly knocks Stef and Lena over with hugs before running off for her dinner. The most shocking thing in the house is not Jesus and Lexi having sex, Mariana playing Oprah with her undies (“You get a panty! And you get a panty!”), or Brandon breaking one hundred laws, it’s Callie giving a hug. Both are flabbergasted, and look nothing like people who just got busy on a couch. Lena can’t believe Callie doesn’t want to process all of her feelings. Stef reminds her that some folks need a little more time.
Jesus is rummaging around in Brandon’s room like Paige McCullers on a mission for a coconut cupcake. Mariana barges in and take umbrage at the suggestion that Jesus is taking over Brandon’s room. Stef’s ears are attuned to the sounds of teens bickering and breaks it up by saying Brandon’s room will remain a museum, she ordered the velvet ropes that morning, and no one will touch a thing until the prodigal douche bag comes home.
Downstairs, Callie is picking at a mountain of green beans when Jude pops by and says, “Can I have those?” Callie slides the plate of nutrition his way and asks what Jude wants their father to say when they meet. Jude says he just wants a chance to say goodbye. Callie tries out several scripts she has prepared to slip her dad to memorize. She asks what Jude will say if Donald won’t sign away his rights. Jude says, “Well, he is our dad, right? Callie, you better get processing because there are feelings just falling out of your ears.
Over at Mike’s house, Brandon is wearing some Care Bears on his shirt and telling Dani he will pay her back. She waves off his money, all she wants it for him to say yes when she comes to him and asks for a favor. Right now that favor is playing the piano while his eggs get cold. Dear god, she’s a monster. Mike wanders in and demands to know if Dani imperiused his son into playing. “Oh that,” she says. “Some call it bribery, parents call it positive reinforcement.” Mike says she was right about all that upheaval at the lesbian pancake palace taking a toll of Brandon and tells her that Brandon shouldn’t have to share Mike at all. Sorry, evil Dani, your plan has backfired!
At school Mariana is getting texts from Zac that he is home sick with embarrassment after his mom screamed at him in the parking lot. Mr. Helpful Brandon walks up and she says she got kissed and dumped in one afternoon. He asks if she slipped this guy her undies, too and they reminisce about the good old days when Brandon lived at home and appropriately teased his siblings rather than going all Felonious Monk on San Diego. She asks if he’s moving back and she says yes, but only after he stops being on “lockdown” for taking the money from Mike. Oh dude, with the crimes you have committed you’ll be lucky if that’s your only lockdown.
Inside, Jesus is trying to copy an entire textbook’s worth of material off the board and freaking out about his impending test to Emma. She makes a crack about how having sex with Lexi surely cuts into the study time but he tells her that Lexi went back home after they broke up. He asks Emma to explain math to him but she has no time for him now.
Outside Jesus wants Mariana to help him convince the moms to let him have Brandon’s room so he can “study” with Emma in there. They barter while he steals some kid’s lunch and settle on two months of chores. Zac’s mom shows up and Jesus skedaddles leaving Mariana alone with Carol Hudson-Hummel. Zac’s not really sick, he just needs a little cheering up, you know the panties in the pocket kind. And you thought your mom was inappropriate.
Inside Lena’s office Timothy is telling the moms that he just had his annual sperm donation physical and his junk is in tip-top shape. Stef wants to know why the hell Timothy wants to do this, mostly so she can decide if she does because this is one of the stupidest ideas anyone has had and that’s saying something. Oh it’s because they are such lovely people and the perfect parents. Barf. They ask him to sign a contract saying that they are the parents and he’s the English teacher and nothing more. Also maybe don’t mention it to our other 47 kids during class, mmmkay? Lena asks, so are we really doing this? Stef croaks out a “Yes.” Did you know that baby fever can destroy your ability to pick up social cues? Well, if Lena is a case study, it obviously can destroy all empathetic sense entirely.
Stef runs into Mariana who is impressed that Stef is upping her romance game with a little midday delight. Stef bristles at the notion that there’s anything wrong with her game. Just ask the couch. Mariana asks if she can eat at Zac’s house and Stef says they are having a family dinner, including Brandon to check in, see who has broken the law recently and break down just how a couple of ladies go about making a baby with the hockey-haired English teacher. Mariana says, “Well Brando is grounded for witness tampering, or was it theft, or maybe making fake IDs, or maybe accessory to BEAUTIFUL KINDLE theft.” Anywhoodle, you might want to check in with Mikey.“Game? My game broke the couch, young lady.”
Over at the Peach Pit, Callie is grabbing a malt and a burger and waiting to ambush Daphne. Callie pleads for forgiveness and Daphne eventually relents because they both come from the land of misfit toys. Callie blurts out that she saw her dad. Some people just need some greasy food to get the processing going.Meanwhile, Stef is at Mike’s working out her control issues over the Spermothy by yelling at Mike. He says Brandon is totally on the right track after admitting to the smallest of his crimes. Admitting one lie to cover the others is a classic Neal Caffrey maneuver. She reminds him that she has legal custody and must be consulted on every parenting decision. “Hiya Stef, we’re having eggs for breakfast, is that OK with you?” Dani slithers over and says, “You know, maybe he should just go now so I can move in.” Mike says he won’t be manipulated by Stef any more. Dani agrees because she’s an obsequious little toad.
Stef walks into the kitchen looking like she could use a beer or six. Instead, Lena says, “Hooray! I’m ovulating!” Stef would rather drive splinters under her fingernails but she smiles and reminds Lena that they need to draw up a contract and Lena, who has clearly lost her mind, says, “Who cares? Let’s do this thing!” Remember when we thought they were smarter than Bette and Tina? Nope, someone is getting kidnapped out of Canada soon. Jesus interrupts these two by saying Mariana is cool with him moving into Brandon’s room. The mom are not cool and Jesus says it’s bullshit that the golden boy gets two room and he has to share one with a unicorn. Lena says maybe we should wait until next month and Stef says, “No, let’s do it now.” I got my law degree from Apple Jacks University so it will be fine when we get the contract signed later.
Back at the Shake Shack, Callie wants to know why it took her dad so long to get his act together. Daphne says it’s not easy to find a job and make a home when your most recent address is Litchfield. Callie planned to tell her dad to take a hike but when he opened the door her was still her dad. Mostly, she doesn’t want him confusing Jude but Daphne knows what’s up and says it sounds a whole lot like Callie is the confused one.
Mariana knocks on Zac’s door and surprises the hell out of him. She brought flowers for his mom since she asked her out on this date. Oh, this poor boy. Mrs. Rogers went to the same school for awkward and terrible dinner parties as Stef and Lena and asks Zac to dance with her, pours the kiddos some wine, mixes up what year it is, and asks who cooked the dinner. Zac is in hell and Mariana thinks she’s died and gone to fun mom heaven.
Jesus is trying to study but he is off his meds and hasn’t eaten for three weeks other than the processed garbage in the Lunchable he stole which is basically the opposite of the organic, dye free stuff he is supposed to consume. Anyway, Jude wants to talk about his dad who he barely remembers. Jesus says to be careful because meeting bio parents often leads to moms getting shot.
Callie arrives at her dad’s again to chat. He offers her a juice box but she wants to know why he stopped writing to them. He explains that he gave up hope of getting out and thought they were better off moving on without him. He waited for Callie to write and accuse him of murdering her mom. She objects but he says he got drunk and drove and her mom is dead because of it.
Back at the Rogers home for uncomfortable parenting, Amanda is filling glasses with wine and making a toast to the anniversary of her husband leaving her. Zac tells her it was ten years ago not two and she stomps out, muttering “Son of a bitch” under her breath. Psych consult, please. Stat. Zac is embarrassed but Mariana assures him that she likes his mom even though she’s kooky. Oh dear, time to explain the difference between “kooky” and mental illness to Mariana. Coming out about his mom is a powerful aphrodisiac so he kisses her.When Brandon comes home, Dani is serving roasted bunny and painting his room and bribing him with emo band posters and new sheets. He isn’t planning to stick around so she ups the ante. She thinks he got a bum deal with the whole making out with your foster sister sitch. She doesn’t see why he can’t date her down the line if he isn’t living there. Brandon suggests Mikey might not like that and she gives him a smarmy smile and says, “You’d be surprised the things Mikey likes.” Does no one have appropriate boundaries anymore?!
Back at Donald’s dimly lit apartment he wants to know about Callie. She tells him the truth and says they have been in six different foster homes and they all sucked until this one. He’s sad to hear she went to juvie. She rubs her nose and looks away. He smiles and reminds her that when she was little she would suck her thumb and rub her nose to soothe herself. They tried to break her of the habit but he’s pleased that it didn’t work. He is sorry for failing her and for her being the one who tracked him down instead of the other way around. He promises that he’s here for her now, that she can count on him. But he knows he’s out of time and will tell Jude whatever she thinks he should. She asks him to tell the truth. Man, it as beautiful to watch these two see something unexpectedly familiar in each other.
Back in the International House of Pancakes and Processing, Jesus refuses to Mariana’s chores because he didn’t get his single with a view. Jude says he doesn’t want to see his dad anymore. Callie says she’s totally changed her mind and would like to see Donald for the very first time. The moms are supportive, of course, but are weirdly not concerned that Callie had an industrial accident in her shirt. When everyone leaves Callie stays behind to tell the moms how much she and Jude love the moms and how nothing will ever change that. First hugs and now all this love stuff? Moms your spidey sense better be tingling.
Out on the beach, Brandon tracks down Callie fresh off his talk with Dani. It starts out nicely and then he reverts to creepy, bully Brandon when Callie tells him she’s not sure about the adoption. He tells her that she can’t keep changing her mind. She can’t change her mind about what, Brandon? he can’t change her mind about you? Does it piss you off that she kissed you but decided she didn’t want to do more? Man this is some “Blurred Lines” bullshit right here. She tells him to fuck off and storms away.
Stef and Lena are having a relaxing afternoon at home surrounded by lad mags, a speculum (worst sex toy ever), and a Mr. Wizard chemistry set. Stef is pissed Lena won’t let her preview Timothy’s reading material before he spreads his seed in their bathroom.
Jesus has run out of ADHD meds and can’t find Spencer, Andrew, or Wei Wei to hook him up. Emma wanders over and starts talking math but Jesus can’t concentrate and tells her he has to grab something. Meanwhile, Stef and Lena are giving Spermothy tips on how to do his part for the war effort, as it were. It’s only slightly less awkward that the dinner party on The Office. Stef and Lena head out back giggling like a couple of teenagers and Timothy heads upstairs and tries to ignore the pictures of his boss everywhere.
Jesus comes comes home to hunt for some meds, not knowing that there is baby making going on. Remember last time he interrupted mom time with his morning after pill debacle? I like this interruption much better. Jesus runs into Timothy (they don’t shake hands, thank goodness) and Timothy tries to cover with an excuse of a parent-teacher conference. Timothy runs out back to warn the moms while Jesus goes digging through their bathroom for his meds. He discovers Timothy’s little swimming and screams, “MOMS!” He tries to explain what he found and they say they know and it’s time to break the news to everyone.
When they explain they are trying for a baby, Mariana gets all excited and asks for a girl. They break the news that Lena wants to carry the baby and Jesus jumps in to tell that Timothy is the donor and mimes how he almost walked in on Timothy walking the dog in moms’ bathroom. Jesus is indignant that he isn’t getting Brandon’s room because of a baby. The baby will sleep in the moms’ room Stef says and they want everyone on board because it’s really important to Lena. Yeah, time to get a clue, Lena. Your wife isn’t onboard. Brandon says Jesus can have his room for now and then gives Stef a lingering hug and says, “Don’t let go.” They say that developmentally toddlers and teenagers are basically the same. They struggle with wanting and fearing independence. This is what I try to remind myself about Brandon. He’s basically just a large toddler and right now he wants his mommy.
Mariana is playing the “no you hang-up” game with Zac. When he finally gives in and says good-bye she gets a call back and thinks he’s being all cutesy. Instead she gets threats from Mrs. Rogers. Ahh, now Mariana gets that this isn’t kooky, this is diagnosable.
The next day Jude is fiddling with his pocket knife while he and Callie, and the moms, wait for Donald to show up. Callie hurries to open the door and Donald pretends he hasn’t seen her in six years. He tells Jude he got tall and thanks the moms who are guarded but leave for the kitchen to let the Jacobs talk. Donald asks Jude what he’s holding and Jude looks a little disappointed his dad doesn’t remember immediately. It comes to him and Jude asks if his dad wants the knife back. Donald says no, he wants Jude to have it. He pulls out the paperwork and says he signed away his rights so they could get adopted. He wants them to know that he’s proud to be their dad and loves them more than they could ever know.
It was a hard scene to watch. I can’t fathom not recognizing my kids or having to give them up for any reason. The way the scene works is that Donald Jacob never thought he would either. He can’t compete with Stef and Lena. He doesn’t have a nice house to offer so it seems right to give them a chance to have something better. Jude asks for a hug and nearly breaks everyone’s heart. Callie walks him out. He says he thought about fighting for them. He’ll always be their dad but he’s just not a parent. “Take care of each other”, he says and Callie assures him, “We always do.” Excuse me, I ran out of tissues, be right back.
Callie goes back in and we can see the moms hugging Jude as she gives a last look after Donald before shutting the door.
