Previously on Glee, the director of the Broadway revival of Funny Girl fainted almost dead away when he found out that McKinley High School produced both Rachel Berry and Santana Lopez, and so he hired the latter to be the former’s understudy, a decision that resulted in a fisticuffs for the ages. Kurt and Starchild drank awesome Jell-O shooters and listened to awesome music and sat around soaking up each other’s awesomeness. And Artie and Tina‘s battle for valedictorian resulted in Blaine Warbler being named valedictorian.
New York, New York
On her day off, Rachel is rehearsing for 14 hours with a full band. She is delighted when Elliott shows up with her dry cleaning and a green tea and a key to his apartment — where she lives now, in his bedroom, while he sleeps in the bathtub with a towel for a blanket — because she’s sure he wants to spend an entire day watching her perform Funny Girl six times in a row. She calls him her new “best gay” and he’s like, “Dude, that shit’s been offensive since the first time Carrie Bradshaw conjured it into existence with her mouth. I’m not your pet monkey. And I’m not your personal assistant either, P.S.” She likes his style. She also likes his voice. They duet on “Barracuda” and even the Wilson sisters are impressed.
Elliott explains for the first of many times that it’s all about the music and the friendship for him, but Rachel refuses to listen.
Santana refuses to listen, too. She is at home putting in her own hair extensions, standing in front of a giant poster of her Yeast-I-Stat ad campaign. It’s the most Santana thing you’ve ever seen. Like of all possible combinations of Santana-ness, the only thing that would make this more Santana is if Brittany was lounging nearby feeding Lord Tubbington a plate of ribs. When she hears the door open, she thinks it’s Kurt, but actually it’s Elliott who has come to collect some more of Rachel’s things. Santana tells him she’s a master at destroying Rachel Berry, and with this new weave she’s going to be 84 percent more effective.
The longer she monologues, the wider his eyeballs get. It’s actually pretty hilarious to see a new/normal person reacting to the fullness of Rachel and Santana’s whole deal. He’s like, “Y’all sound like a couple of psychos, to be honest.” And Santana is like, “Duh, we are a couple of psychos. We just look like we do and sound like we do, so no one really questions it.” She wears him down with her mania until she finally finds the chink in his exceedingly sexy skin armor: He needs a roommate because he needs some money. Santana says if it’s money Elliott needs, it’s money Aunty Snix has.
(Best actual line of dialogue: “I’m here for Rachel’s sheet music. Do you know where she keeps it?” “Up her butt.”)
Santana hires Elliott to run her lines with her at the diner, so of course Rachel loses her mind when she sees them palling around, sitting in her section, requesting her presence. It’s so satisfying to watch Lea Michelle and Naya Rivera play off each other like this, huh? They were just babies when we first met them, soft-volleying everything like an egg toss and now they’re like one of those ferocious Olympic ping-pong matches. They shout about who is better and who will always be better. Elliott’s eyes are seriously about to bug right out of his head at this point, but Kurt is just sitting in the background folding napkins, yawning.