“The Fosters” recap (1.16): “Happy birthday, Judicorn”


Mariana finds Brandon at a table and asks how things are going at Mike’s. Brandon tells her about the new girlfriend and Mariana says well his life is pretty shitty so maybe he deserves a girlfriend. She blames herself for everything that happens and wonders if she should talk to Ana. In the only sensible thing Brandon does all evening he tells her not to and she says “you’re right, she’d only ask me for more money.” A tiny lightbulb goes off and Brandon scurries home to grab a wad of cash from his bedroom.

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On his way out he runs into Stef, who has come home to change out of her uniform before she talks to the DA. Brandon asks if it’s all going to go away and she says “sure, it’s just politics.” You two are both terrible liars. Down in the kitchen, Connor and Jude rip apart the kitchen looking for more clues and then try to work out what the message means. They rearrange candy and household objects until the message makes zero sense.

Chase is walking along when Mariana catches up to him and blathers on about the hat and stolen merchandise and Kelsey. He’s like, I only missed you working on the play and your smile and the way you fawn all over me. See you at the cast party? She smiles and promises to be there.

Stef is being sworn into her deposition. She states her name “Stef Foster” oh man, there’s her first lie. Has everyone forgotten she and Lena changed their names? Does “no hyphen” ring a bell? Anyway, they come to the part where she has to corroborate her earlier testimony or come clean and of course she tells the truth.

Meanwhile at a diner on the corner, Brandon orders two coffees, and one is for Ana. Brandon has graduated from lying and stealing money from his dad to witness- tampering and suborning perjury. He tells Ana that if she ever wants to have a chance to have Mariana and Jesus forgive her she better tell the DA she was with Jesus at the shelter and not at the house when the shooting happened. When she says “But if I do that they might cut off my food stamps,” he hands her a wad of cash. I’m sure this all going to end well. Well, if it all goes as badly as possible maybe we can send him to Girls United. I think a dose of Rita could work wonders on this guy.

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Mariana is outlining all the reasons why Lena should let her go to the cast party. The words “I want to hook up with Chase” do not pass her lips. However, she goes into a full PowerPoint presentation about how she needs chances to prove how trustworthy she is and if Callie is going to make friends she needs to get out of the house. Lena sighs and says she’ll talk it over with Stef.

Jude calls Callie over to ask if there are more clues. She says what clues would those be, young sir? He says are there thirteen? She smirks and says “Maybe. Did you figure out what it says?” Aha! He’s got her cornered. Except them she says “Who do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the babe.” Okay Sir Didymus, time to mount your trusty steed and to get to the bottom of the mystery.

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In the kitchen the moms are going over the worst case scenario. if Stef loses her job they won’t have a baby. Hmm, did they decide they were having a baby? Maybe we missed that very important decision because of all of Brandon’s truly fascinating bad decisions. Mariana walks in and asks if they have talked about it and can she go to the cast party. Stef sighs and rolls her eyes because when you’re a parent it’s never about your shit, it all cast parties and foster siblings making out. Mike walks in floating on air because Ana recanted her testimony and he’s in the clear. Stef’s like “Are you kidding me? I might lose my job for nothing!” But yeah, good for you, Mike. Brandon bops in and is like “Ana recanted? That is brand new information.” Lena goes for some bubbly to celebrate. Know where that would be great? In the tub with your wife.

But no time for the moms because of Brandon, of course. Piano man calls Brandon to find out why his dad thinks he’s just stopping now when he’s actually not been going for some undefined amount of time. Brandon asks piano man to give him some time to tell his dad and Mariana walks in and demands to know everything. She tells him it’s a good thing he didn’t actually spend the money, particularly not on something that is a felony, and can just give the money back. Bad decisions lead to more bad decisions. Do these kids not watch television? This Pretty Little Liars 101. I don’t buy it. Stef and Lena totally #BooRadleyVanCullen.

At the small, intimate cast party gathering of one hundred people, Callie is a little bewildered both by the size of the party and the kegs rolling by. Zach tells her that there are only four people in the cast so that wouldn’t be much of a party. Mariana runs along to drool over Chase and leaves Callie to apologize for messing up his public pining over Mariana. Meanwhile Mariana is stroking Chase’s ego and telling him how brilliant he was in the play and he honestly says “I always wanted to change lives.” Kelsey appears with a couple of beers and heckles Mariana for her poor history of getting drunk at parties. Chase scurries away and Kelsey and Mariana go a few rounds before Zach shows up and makes a crack about a catfight. Mariana tells him he’s being sexist before stomping off. High five to the feminist moms!

Brandon arrives and makes his way to the kitchen where he finds Callie and Vico. He is indignant that Callie is not home weeping into her pillow. She explains she’s there with Mariana and he’s like what is my sister doing here? She tells him that this party is the cast party and he can’t believe it. Vico gives him a beer and Callie hurries away from Brandon and his simmering crazy. Vico asks Brandon if he’s staring at Callie’s ass like that because he has a thing for her but Brandon switches topics and asks when he can get his fake ID. Vico says they can make the IDs at school because they have access to the ID maker in Lena’s office. Brandon says “isn’t that (and everything else I’ve done so far today) a felony?”

Talya walks over and gives Mariana a hug and some boy advice. She tells her about that one time when she wanted to get with a boy and she took off her underpants and put them in his front pocket. Mariana is horrified but not as much as I am and asks if this story involves her sulky older brother. Talya gives a smirk and walks away. Excuse me while I go take a shower.

Talya walks into the kitchen and has a friendly chat with Brandon about what a loser he is for following Callie around like a puppy. He flips and tells her off. He tells her all about how they kissed and how Callie ran away so Jude would still get adopted and how they only reason they aren’t humping on top of the keg right now is because she needs a family more than a boyfriend. Stay classy, Brandon.

Chase is stuffing his face with pizza when Mariana walks up and slips her underpants in his vest pocket and tells him that if he’s interested in a tea party and some stimulating conversation she’ll be upstairs waiting.

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