“The Fosters” recap (1.16): “Happy birthday, Judicorn”


Previously on The Fosters, Stef’s father died and Stef, Lena, Mariana, Jesus, Callie, and Jude were sad about it. Brandon proposed that a funeral is the perfect time to announce that Callie is his girlfriend. Lena wanted a baby, Mike wanted the charges against him to go away, and Jude wanted to know if his mom would be all right with the Adams Fosters adopting him. Finally, Callie realized she needed a family more than she needed a boyfriend.

This week we start at Girls United where they are having their final group session with Callie and telling her that she’s lucky to have a family so don’t fuck it up by fooling around with Brandon. Basically, Girls United says what we’ve all been screaming at our televisions for months. They go around the circle and everyone says what they learned from Callie. They all sing a round of “You’ve got a friend in me” before Rita tells Callie that she may be going home but she’ll always be a Rockford Peach.

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When the moms walk through the door with Callie Mariana runs over and gives her a hug. Jude makes an excuse about having a book report he has to work on immediately so, you know, no time for hugs. Jesus is at practice in Ravenwood. Brandon tells Callie that he had to do something for himself (what a change from all that selfless behavior we’ve seen from him!) and is moving in with Mike. Here’s your coat, don’t let the door hit you in the ass, buddy.

After dinner Callie is doing the dishes when the moms come in to talk to her. She apologizes for Brandon moving out and they set some ground rules, most of which have to do with her cell phone. She says she knows that she has to earn back everyone’s trust.

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Callie goes upstairs and looks around Brandon’s empty room. The most unbelievable thing about this part is that none of the other kids moved in there yet. Jesus had his stuff packed at the first whiff of Brandon moving out last time and would probably be all over it again if he weren’t in Narnia. Next door Mariana is helping Jude with his book report. He hops up and skips out of the room telling Callie he’ll see her in the morning. Mariana tries to apologize for Jude giving Callie the cold shoulder but she gets it. You run away, end up and juvie, kiss your foster brother, and end up in a group home the reentry is going to be a little bumpy.

The next morning everyone is discussing Jesus and where he is or isn’t and what he is doing or isn’t doing but can all agree he’s invisible right now. Is this confirmation class or The Fosters? Mariana hands Jude a folder and says his report looks excellent. Mariana wonders what everyone is going to think when she comes back from her suspension. Stef asks if she’s worried that everyone was talking about her and Mariana is like “I wasn’t but now I am.” They shift to talking about what everyone has been saying about Callie. Jude, bless his little heart, asks what the rumors are because even though he’s in the same school rumors do not reach his unicorn ears. Mariana says all the rumors are about her running away with Wyatt and not about her making out with her foster brother. Callie says she doesn’t care what other people are saying and Mariana revels in the idea that they will be notorious together. Callie’s like yeah, being notorious isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Jude reaches into his bag and find a figurine with a note attached to it. Cakes and cuddles! It’s A and he’s targeting Judicorn!

After breakfast, Stef gets served with a summons to appear in the case against Mike. She tells Lena, who can’t see why that’s a big deal until Stef reveals that she wasn’t entirely truthful when she spoke to the investigators after the shooting. Lena says well I can see that Brandon gets his terrible judgment from you.

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Brandon is getting ready for school at Mike’s when out pops a tiny, adorable woman. She says her name is Dani and she’s a friend of Mike’s. Yeah the kind of friend who appears without pants at seven in the morning. She makes it more awkward by fixing Brandon’s collar and touching him like one of the Desperate Housewives touches the pool boy. Ick. Mike comes out of his room and Brandon grills him about his girlfriend. He wants to know if his dad bones all of his sober companions. Those in glass houses, Brandon. Mike tries to give Brandon money for his piano lessons but he says, yeah, I’m not so much into the piano thing anymore, I’m more into being a creepy brooder. Mike pushes back but Brandon convinces him he’s just burnt out and needs a break. Also, I’m channeling all my feelings into stupid decisions these days so I don’t really have anything left for music.

Callie and Mariana walk into a halls of school and find Chase and Kelsey close talking. Mariana snarls about Kelsey and then changes her tune when she worries what she might be telling Chase. Callie says “welcome to the wrong side of the tracks, kiddo.” Zach walks up and asks if Mariana is going to the cast party. She isn’t sure but he makes it clear he doesn’t care about the party, he just wants to hang with her. Ambiguously gay Zach, you’re a keeper so you’re for sure never getting the girl.

Jude gets a candy bar that’s half his size with another word taped to it. Maybe he’ll have a Spencer Hastings fever dream and we’ll get Stef and Lena sexy times. Callie and Brandon meet in the middle of the hallway. She says she’s great and he looks like she just kicked him in the nuts (not that I am rooting for anyone to do that to him). She heads to class and he walks off all sulky.

Mike is on the phone with piano man and is leaving a frantic message about whether he should be worried about Brandon quitting or not. I also try to get my parenting advice from strangers rather than talk to my kids’ other mom, it tends to work out well.

Brandon is sitting on the beach listening to music when he gets smacked in the head by a boomerang. A wallaby and a kangaroo hop by and deliver Vico, the dude who cold-cocked Jesus during school sanctioned hazing. Vico sits down and offers Brandon a hit off his joint and then asks how Brandon can be ditching class when his mom is the vice principal. Then he asks if Callie really ran away with Wyatt and Brandon gets pissed about it because everyone should know the true story of their epic love that drove her to flee the jurisdiction. Mini-Karofsky tells Brandon he’s buying the beer for a party and Brandon should come and blow off some of the steam that is leaking out of his ear like some kind of Looney Toon. Brandon checks out the guy’s fake ID and Vico says he can hook Brandon up with one. This guy knocked your brother out, he is not a friend for you, Brandon.

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Jude and Connor are sitting having lunch when a girl drops off two cupcakes, each with a word on top. Connor gets mad when he finds out that cupcake girl knows that the next day is Jude’s birthday and he doesn’t. Jude tells him that his birth certificate is wrong and that he and Callie kept his real birthday a secret so they could have a thing that was just for them. Connor is all “nice story dude, but can I eat the cupcakes?” Jude wants to follow procedure so they can preserve the evidence and solve the mystery (come on, how great would Stef and Lena look in black and white?). Connor takes a picture with his phone and they dig into the desserts. Looks like A ships Connor and Jude, too.

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