“Couples Therapy” recap (4.6): The Celebs Are Not Alright


Happy Friday fagguettes! That salutation was inspired by a baguette I am happily gnawing through. Back to black aka the Couples Therapy household. We left off with Kelsey tossing a drink at Ghost’s selfish cheating ass. NOW, of course, Ghost is like, “GIRL WE IN THERAPY LETS THERAPIZE HUGGG FEMALE” and poor lovelorn Kelsey allows herself to be wrapped up in Ghost’s husky embrace. Ghost looks happy. He seems to thrive in Kelsey’s jealousy. I’ve never seen him more excited than when Kelsey’s jealous.

Sada and Kelsey chat attractively by the pool. Sada is like “Girl, you don’t have him.” Sada leaves to do whatever it is Sada does in her free time, and Dr. Jenn sends a non-threatening white dude shrink to talk to Kelsey about Kelsey and Ghost: The Saga. Kelsey is not alright, says Kelsey. Feelings. Moving on.


In the kitchen, Farrah tries to start a friendly conversation with Whitney. Whitney isn’t rude, but she gives a bare answer then smirks at the camera when Farrah walks away. The house v. Farrah situation seems to be escalating. Sada’s problem with Farrah’s lying spills over to Whitney. A counselor comes to talk to Farrah, the sad reject camper. This might sort of be a personal issue, but as someone who PAINFULLY struggled to make friends at camp one time, I feel sorry for Farrah. I remember the counselor coming up to me and being like, “You OK?” and me angrily muttering, “I’m FINE everyone’s just a butthead,” like Farrah. Not a great time in my life.

Later that night, the shunning continues. Jon Gosselin, no doubt sensing a way to belong, has happily boarded the Farrah hating train. How wonderful to see a father of eight tormenting a girl barely out of her teens and all alone. Sada chain smokes ominously. I’m pretty sure she spearheaded the “Farrah is a liar so we can be mean to her” mission. Vile stuff, guys. You constantly prove yourselves to be a fundamentally nasty lot. I’m not saying Farrah is a great person, I’m saying she’s a person, and shouldn’t be treated like a 6th grade outcast. Sincerely, a former 6th grade outcast.

Back in my day we didn’t call this bullying, we called it “not having many friends” or “not connecting with the other children.” Damn this lot for making me relate to Farrah. Taylor drunkenly chain smokes and sneers about Farrah. When Taylor is being sincere, she’s being a nasty, aging mean girl.

Taylor: She dresses like a nun every single day because she’s trying to portray something that she’s really not. The ballet flats and floral skirts are not working for me.

Taylor is dressed as an expensive elderly hooker in leather leggings and six-inch super skinny stilettos ideal for inserting in John’s anus. Farrah and Dr. Jenn meet for a one-on-one. Dr. Jenn pushes Farrah to discuss the sex tape, but Farrah confesses she can’t talk about it because of a contract. Dr. Jenn takes off the mic, gets rid of the camera men, clears the room, and has a true one-on-one with Farrah, free from our prying eyes and legal ramifications.

Day 12, bright and early. Dr. Jenn summons the group for session. She tells her smug audience how horrific Farrah’s secrets were. The topic of today’s discussion is secrets. Dr. Jenn says that the things Farrah said were some of the most horrific things Dr. Jenn had ever heard as a therapist. Wealthy old mean drunk John interjects arrogantly to say that Farrah lives in a bubble and doesn’t listen to anyone. Dick move. John is incredibly condescending. Whitney jumps on the train. I guess everyone is going to take this as an opportunity to tell Farrah what they hate about Farrah. Whitney tells Farrah she’s annoying and goes off.


Whitney: I feel like some of us have smelled bullshit on Farrah since day one. What’s true? What’s not true? I’m just calling it out now because I don’t care. You’re on here solo, this is couples therapy, and now not only do you not have a couple to sort out, but you have a gigantic situation that you can’t talk about.

Farrah cries and says she would tell the truth if she could. People start to feel bad for Farrah and make amends. Even mean queens Sada and Taylor apologize for judging and promise to move on. Dr. Jenn moves on to Kelsey and Ghost. Ghost’s secret is (obviously) that he has another steady girl. Sada busts in and is offended to see Ghost coming at her for not understanding how MENZ BE, YO. If that sentence was really confusing, I apologize, but this situation is highly confusing.


Ghost: This is what men do.

Whitney: This is not what men do, this is what you do.

Ghost: Men want to fuck everything. Women just don’t understand what a man is thinking, or feeling, or what a man goes through.

More debate about the vast complexity of MENZ, YO. Kelsey is still obviously leaning towards sticking by Ghost. I don’t think she’s going to leave him. She likes the perks. Session over! Secrets revealed! Clarity achieved! Self-actualization actualized! J/K not really.

Farrah seems elated and giddily talks with Ghost about being over the drama. Farrah is wearing a truly hideous mom blazer, I’ll give her detractors that. Dr. Jen has contacted Latrice, and Latrice is down to go on the show. Kelsey is ok with Latrice coming aboard. Yay, drama! Latrice is coming today! Awesome!

Latrice, Kelsey, and Ghost finally meet face-to-face. Latrice comes in with a big smile, wearing a tight red dress. Latrice has pretty hair. Latrice was under the impression that she and Ghost were in a monogamous relationship. Kelsey basically spouts sweet nothings to Latrice, saying they have a special relationship because she “does whatever I say.” Gross. Gross gross. Kelsey sits quietly, looking beaten.

Kelsey: If you love love this chick, and you’ve known her for so long, why even just pull me in?


Latrice is eerily calm. Kelsey and Ghost scream. Ghost won’t stop screaming until Dr. Jenn shouts, “Enough!” and throws down. She asks Ghost how he could disrespect Kelsey like this after he’s been sitting around saying how wonderful Kelsey is for over a week. Kelsey begins to shout, but her face crumbles. “Now,” Kelsey says, sobbing, “I know who he really is.”

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