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“Lost Girl” recap (4.10): I want to be where the people are

Well, once again Lost Girl flaunts its total mastery of fandom by making all of its disparate ships unite for one common cause. Doccubus and Dybo and Valkubus and the rest all stand together, in unison and total agreement. At last, there is harmony. At last, there is peace. We all hate Rainer.

Bo looks at herself in the mirror as the disbelieving echoes of her friends and loved ones ring in her ears. He is dangerous. He has brainwashed her. He is an out-of-work extra from Game of Thrones. Then we notice blood—blood all over Bo’s face. Hold up. Wait a minute. Did Bo just kill everyone she loves? Rainer walks up behind her and says it had to be done. This is clearly a bait-and-switch, but damn if it doesn’t help solidify our already simmering hatred of Rainer into a full boil.

But, seriously, who is this dude? Why does Bo think he is her “destiny?” Why would she turn her back on her friends for him? And for a guy who has been “wandering” between dimensions for centuries, he certainly seems to have gotten in plenty of time to get in bicep curls. More like He Who Wanders To The Gym, if you ask me.

Team Formerly Unaligned Succubus are asking themselves the same questions. Also, whew, they’re not dead. Dyson is trying to be all Hulk Smash about the situation and wants to bust into her place and get her back. But Lauren understands the none-too subtle signs of not being wanted. Like, for instance, Bo locked them out of her house.

Kenz arrives with coffees bigger than her head and tells Team Dumpedubus to buck up because they have a case. A woman went for a dip in the company pool and came out minus two legs. I know chlorine can be corrosive, but this is ridiculous. Lauren and Dyson are both united in WTF, because this is no time to be looking to pick up freelance work. Bo is their only case. But Kenzi perseveres and then the victim rolls in and it’s hard to say no to a person minus half their appendages.

Back at the Suck Shack, Bo is questioning herself. And rightfully so, young lady. Who is this guy? Why would she go back to the train for him? Why would she go Dark for him? Why would she lock her friends out for him? Dark? She says she needs time now that she’s back to process what they’ve done, because she’s still a gay lady and that’s what we do. Rainer tells her to take all the time she needs, he’ll just be over here not wearing a shirt.

So while Bo processes we flashback to her first arrival on The Wanderer’s Death Train. She is considerably less friendly than she is now. Like pull a knife and let’s get to fighting less friendly. But Mr. Tight T-Shirt remains unimpressed. Can we stop and talk about how unimposing Rainer/The Wanderer is? Granted, this could all be a cover for some big winged Pegasus fury monster, but he’s like some guy you’d find at Cross Fit in Brooklyn. Really, everyone was scared of this guy?

He Who Wanders To The Gym blows Bo off. We get the feeling many—many, many, many—women and particularly brunettes have landed on his train only to be courted and found out to be not The One. So this whole Death Train business is really more like a Love Train. He has been dating his way through eternity? Wait, so this whole thing is just like an old-timey Tinder app?

Back in the real world, Team Dumpedubus has taken the poor, recently legless woman’s case. She tells them she’s Fae, a pixie orphan, who was raised by humans. They decide to go undercover at her company to sniff out the culprit. Dyson has been training Kenz as a Shadow Thief so should they need to steal anyone’s panties, they’re all set. Also, I would not have pegged Lauren as a lacy purple G-string gal. Thanks for putting that image into my head, writers. No, seriously, thank you.

At the office, Dyson is the mail guy and Kenzi a lady in a red suit because of a “mix-up” in the HR department. Lauren is back at Dyson’s place cleaning out flesh-eating bacteria from all the solid surfaces and running intel. The building has some kind of body-heat activated security system which is weird and also like something designed specifically for a deodorant commercial.

The plan, sketchy as it always seems, is to track the mail going to the head honcho with some heat signature tracker and… Oh, who knows. As long as it involves Kenzi calling the corporate setting “a yogurt commercial” and the nasal-y assistants “Man Drescher” and her status as “stalked like a celebrity at a Whole Foods parking lot,” I am just happy to be in on this crazy caper.

Kenzi drops in, literally, on Darren the boss’ office only to find legs—so many legs. They’re all neatly suspended in giant vials and it’s how I imagine Hannibal Lecter decorates his living room. Their sleuthing also finds a pearl in the salt-water pool’s filtration system and some plants also in water vials. Lauren asks for a sample and Dyson obliges with “Flowers for my favorite doctor.” This playful banter between dueling exes elicits a much-deserved eye roll from Lauren. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again—I actually enjoy the back-and-forth mutual admiration/mutual disdain society these two have going on this season. I especially like it when Lauren calls him “pool boy.”

The pearl turns out to not be a pearl, so no earrings for you, Kenz. Instead it’s a crystalized salt deposit which makes Dyson freak out. OK, OK, so they’re fake pearls. Don’t get your panties in a wad about it or Kenzi will have to steal them and you know they’re not nearly as nice—or clean—as Lauren’s.

The crystalized salt deposit is from not a flesh eater or a Sharknado, but mermaids. Yes, kiddies, we’ve gone full-tilt Little Mermaid up in here. Kenzi is beyond excited because everything’s better down where it’s wetter, amirite? But Dyson tells her mermaids are the “psychopaths of the sea” and have no plans of dueting with a crab anytime soon. p.s. Nice combing their hair with forms foreshadowing from last episode.

Before we can go under the sea, we have to go back to the Love Train. We should just rename this show Lost Bachelor and get it over with. Bo tries to stick a fork (fine, a knife) in their burgeoning relationship. Rainer seems pretty over the whole thing, too, until Bo lets her baby blues blaze. And then it’s, “Will you take this rose!?”

Back in Mermaid Incorporated, Kenzi is going to interview sass-istant Tad. Oh, hold up—Tad, like “tadpole.” I just got that. His job is to protect his boss from “the crazies.” He’s fiercely loyal because when he lost his legs to arterial disease in college Darren helped him and paid his medical bills. I don’t know why, but I blame ObamaCare.

On a train without universal healthcare, Rainer is finally revealing himself (not in that way, yet) to Bo. His power was foresight in battle. He used it to fight to end Light and Dark. He saw tyrannical rule on the rise. You know, normal first date chit-chat.

Then Rainer has an emo feelings fit, banging on his organ (not that kind, yet) and talking about how he can’t remember and it’s driving him crazy. Bo naturally falls for him right then and there because who can resist a tortured fixer upper, right? Not these baby brown-blues, that’s for sure.

So, I know that this big reveal is supposed to explain why Bo considers Rainer her “destiny,” and new love monkey. But I still don’t get it. Sure, dude has good delts and decent triceps. Yes, he also wants to tear down the Light and Dark two-party system. But you don’t go voting willy-nilly for some strange new third party candidate when you have two strong and experienced competitors waiting for you at home. Sorry, I’m still a little pissed at Nader voters from 2000.

Right, where were we? Oh, mermaids. Kenzi has snuck back into the place where Rockettes go to die when a weird, cold-as-a-fish signature comes up on the heat monitor. It’s Darren, and he makes Kenzi start to cough up water. Is that their power? Gross.

Kenz tries to explain her presence, and Darren finds the creeper letters she stole from tad. They each contain a crystalized salt deposit. Now it’s his turn to freak out and he claims his crazed sister is coming to kill him. He also swears all his gams were obtained legally (see, this is why people don’t want to sign their donor cards) and all his life he just wanted to be where the people are. It’s his sister who took the woman’s legs (and also rudely returned them). So Kenzi concocts a plan to catch Flipper with “the best bait in town.”

Yep, she meant Lauren. Which means Lauren is in a swimsuit. Which means Lauren is in a swimsuit in the pool. Which means fangirl blackout in 3, 2, 1…

You know how they say plenty of fish in the sea? Well not after you Dangle Dr. Hotpants in the water. Every lesbian would happily be caught hook, line, sinker. And so is Sister Salmon.

Speaking of hooked, Bo is still wandering around the Love Train when she finds a blue butterfly under a bell jar. Then we get a flashback within a flashback of Bo as a child crying over the same butterfly. It’s all very symbolic, but for what I have no freaking clue. Can someone Google “blue butterfly” and “mythology” for me? Sorry, sometimes a gal gets worn out researching all the myths and legends on this show.

Fine, I researched it myself. Looks like it’s a Blue Morpho Butterfly which is said to have mystical powers. It is revered by some South American indigenous tribes as source of light and positivity. Still others see it as a trickster or evil sorcerer. Bo touches the one under the glass and it comes to life. Rainer wanders in and marvels at Bo’s feat. “It…is…you,” he stammers. Add a “whoa” in there and he has gone full Keanu.

He yells at her to get off the train now or she’ll miss her stop. But she returns because, um, damaged men are just the hottest? So they make out and Bo at least has the good sense to ask herself, “What am I doing?” What indeed.

A bright young woman, sick of swimming, ready to stand has been unceremoniously fished from the pool. She can’t stop talking about Lauren’s legs, but who can blame her. Lauren calls her “beautiful.” Hey, the last person she spontaneously called beautiful she ended up having an on-again, off-again relationship with for four years. Now I’m with Dyson, turn her into sushi. Kidding, kidding—save the dolphins and all that.

But fish fingers says she just wanted to be up where they walk, up where they run to find her brother abandoned her on their merfolk Rumspringa. Sort of like the Amish, mer-people get a chance to leave their world and experience life like everyone else. They get magical legs for a year. She returned like she was supposed to, he kept on walking.

She asks them if they have any idea what it’s like to be locked out like that by someone they love. Gee, that sounds so familiar. I know I’ve heard that somewhere before. Dyson and Lauren share meaningful looks. Oh, right, that’s where.

Little fin cries one more big, salty tear, her 18th, which means she has suffered enough to take a life. But it’s not her brother she has come for. It’s her sister who left her to find their sibling, never to return. So for revenge she took her legs. Uh-oh. That means their client is really a mermaid. And the mermaid is minus two walking sticks. And Kenzi is with the mer-siblings. And she has two perfectly good walking sticks.

Dyson, Lauren and the jilted sis arrive just in time for the sashimi course. They try to talk sense into the two walking fish sticks, but instead the siblings convince little sis to jump out of the pond. They’ll all upgrade their legs thanks to present company. And you thought Ursula the Sea Witch was formidable.

But these cold fish didn’t count on meeting a genius scientist/fisherman. Just call her Dr. Gorton. Lauren unleashes a spray of tap water on the salt-water dwellers. Gonna wash those mermen and mermaids right outta your hair.

We then cut directly to a scene I wish I could spray cold water on. It’s Bo and Rainer in post-coital bliss. Sheesh, who knew butterflies were such good pick-up tools. Wait, is that why I see so many butterfly tramp stamps? (p.s. No slut-shaming intended. Sex is natural, sex is good.)

So, here’s a question. Was all this The Wanderer is Bo’s father hinting really a red herring? Or is this show headed to a pretty twisted Electra complex situation here? If it’s the latter, woo doggie, is Bo going to need a good therapist.

He tells her that her friends are close to getting the compass and soon she’ll forget him. But she has a plan. You know the plan. Send a singer to find her. Mail herself smoky black crow. And sign with the Dark. That was she’ll move heaven and Earth to find out what happened to her, rescue him and break the curse. Then he marks her, as an insurance policy I guess. And it’s back to where we started.

Back in the present, Rainer and Bo wander their way Una Mens lair. Una Swinton tells her she has broken their laws once again. Rainer tries some card trick, because that’s how I used to try to break the tension at awkward gatherings, too. But instead Una Swinton calls her a blasphemer and says as punishment they will kill everyone she loves — her claimed human, the doctor, the wolf, the siren — in front of her. And then they’ll kill her.

Apparently the tarot trick only seemed to backfire, because now Rainer has his gift of foresight back. Which makes kicking some Una Ass a lot easier. So they do. A lot. All over the place.

As Team Dumpedubus mops up after a holy mackerel of a case, Dyson calls Lauren a smartypants for figuring out the fresh water would kill them. That’s Dr. Smartypants to you, mister. They actually do make a pretty good team, the three of them. But they can’t help but worry about Bo. She doesn’t write. She doesn’t call. What could she be up to?

Oh, nothing, just systematically executing every single last Una Mens. You know, normal second date stuff. Una Swinton threatens her with a fate far worse than her mother’s. Damned like the spawn of evil that she is. Yeah, I find calling people a “spawn of evil” does not increase their likelihood of wanting to let you live. Alas, Una Swinton, we barely knew you.

All cleaned up from the slaughter, Trick appears at her place. He tells her Rainer will ask her to kill the Una Mens, but he begs her not to. Um, little late for that, grandpa. He says if they are eliminated their power will be amassed in a single seed, the origin seed. The same seed that was stolen from him. And in the wrong hands, well, let’s just go ahead and say it: Oops.

My money for who that bloodied, bandaged hand belongs to is Mossimo. Any other guesses?

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Sorry, Kenzi. Ancient warriors and brilliant scientists can’t get with youth vernacular.

Kenzi: Can I get a what-what!

Lauren: What?

Dyson: What?

Kenzi: OK, not what I had in mind.

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Oh, please, like I’d miss the opportunity to get a little Dr. Hot Cleavage up in this joint.

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