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“The Fosters” recap (1.12): “Totes the worst”

Previously on The Fosters, just a lonely girl, living in a lonely world, Callie took the Wyatt train going anywhere. She ran away with Wyatt before running away from Wyatt. Lexi said good-bye to Jesus, Mariana, and the good old U.S. of A. Sharon gave Stef and Lena a new bed and Jude magicked his way into his Grandma’s heart. The Moms blamed themselves for Callie running away and worried about her safety. Jude blamed himself for Callie running away and worried about her safety. Brandon blamed himself for Callie leaving and worried that she was shacking up with Wyatt. Callie rode the Knight Bus to Ravenswood, met some prostitutes, found out her dad was out of prison and not looking for her, and took control of her life via the classic sandwich, soda, candy bar trifecta.

We start this episode with Callie in juvie. Last time she was here she got beaten up before being released to the heavenly Lena. This time she is being led to a room where she meets, Ed, her new probation officer. He confronts Callie with the fact that this is her second trip to juvie, the first being the time to played whack-a-mole on the hood of her foster father’s car. She says, hey he was beating my little brother! Ed asks if she loves her brother and then wonders if two weeks ago she said she liked her foster home what the hell happened to make her run away. Callie says she’s sixteen going on seventeen and she doesn’t need any adults. She wants the Adams Fosters to adopt Jude but they should send her somewhere else. She doesn’t care what happens to her as long as Judicorn is adopted.

Around the dinner table (no pizza boxes so we know Mike didn’t cook), Stef is telling everyone she is heading back to work. Mariana wants to know if Stef is scared. Stef says, no, are you? Stef took psych 101 and knows the question tells you a lot about the person asking it. Mariana is scared and they have a chat about just how safe it is to be a cop. Did you know that it’s safer than being a guillotine tester? Phew, what a relief! Jude wants to know what is going to happen to Callie. Stef explains that Callie will go before the judge who will decide whether she gets more probation or if she has to go back to juvie. Brandon wants to go to court. Hold on there slugger, the moms aren’t sure if they are going to go. Jude looks so sad at the thought that they don’t want Callie anymore. They assure him they want to adopt him and his sister but Callie may not want anything to do with them. Brandon growls and picks at his food and says she didn’t run away without a reason. Jude shakes his head but Brandon can’t help himself and admits he kissed Callie and that’s why she ran away. Stef glares at him like she might like to knock his stupid head off (get in line lady).

Stef and Lena take Brandon out back and yell at him. Stef gets in his face and wants to know when, where, and what the holy hell he was thinking. Lena tries to get Stef to calm down. Lena, I kinda think you should let Coach scream at old Brandon here. Lena asks if Callie ran away because she didn’t feel safe? Lena, I love you. Can we take a second to remark on the fact that Lena is bringing up the subject that Callie may have felt triggered or otherwise unsafe in this house? Triggers can work in unpredictable ways. It’s not a mathematical equation. There’s no “if A and B, then C” about it. It can be slippery and elusive and one second she’s kissing a guy she likes and it’s fun and exciting and the next she can’t breathe properly and she can’t make her mind stop spinning out of control. So, let’s just take a second to appreciate the fact that Lena asks that question.

Brandon says no and sputters about how Jude saw them and she ran away because she didn’t want to screw things up for Jude. Hey now, cowboy, just because Jude feels like he is to blame doesn’t mean you can shift your part in all of this to him. Lena tells him that if CPS knew they would take Callie and Jude away from their house. I would watch Lena and Stef set Brandon straight over and over.

I may be 145 years old but I do remember being a teenager. Teenagers are stupid. Their brains aren’t fully formed. They have no impulse control. They say things like “Callie freaked out” and need to be told, “No, actually Callie was right, she and her brother could have been taken from this house because you kissed her, numbnuts.” Brandon throws in a “We can’t help how we feel,” and Lena sends him inside so the moms can chat, and possibly drink their weight in wine.

Brandon stomps upstairs and is met with the righteous anger of Mariana Foster. She yells at him, calls him a creep, compares him to Liam and tells him he’s selfish. He snaps, “Screw you!” And with the best comeback of the night Mariana says, “I’m surprised you haven’t tried.” He growls that he didn’t grow up with Callie, she was only suppose to be in the house for a short time and he was fine with her being adopted because he wanted her to be happy. You think she’s happy now? Mariana asks. Mariana your status as the worst is revoked. You may now take your place as the best kid right behind Judicorn. Brandon whines that he’s not surprised Mariana doesn’t understand because she’s never had a boyfriend. Screw you, dude. Having a boyfriend doesn’t make you smarter. Just ask Lexi “let’s chance it without a condom” Rivera. Brandon tries Jesus but Jesus is like, “Yeah, I dug Lexi a lot but she wasn’t going to be my new sister, bro.”

Back downstairs, Stef is wondering how the hell she missed this clusterfuck brewing in her house. Hmm, could it be because you were shot? Planning a wedding? Or, as Lena suggests because you are now the parents of squirrelly, secretive, teenagers? Let’s go with Lena, it’s good practice because she’s always right. Jude appears and they call him over. He says he’s sorry he didn’t tell them and they shush him and smother him with mom love. Jude, you are not the problem, buddy. You are Matthew Saracen in a teenage wasteland of JD freaking McCoys.

The next morning a bailiff leads Callie into court where she scans the room for Kalinda Sharma because who wouldn’t hope to see that boot wearing goddess? The judge wants to know what Callie has to say. She says nothing and is surprised to hear that Stef and Lena are there in the court room. You knew they would come through! Stef stands up and talks about how much they love Callie and how much she changed and grew while living with them. Her voice shakes as she describes the way Callie brought joy into their home and how they think she deserves a second chance. Then she drops the bomb. Stef and Lena are not ready to bring Callie home yet. WHAT?!

Meanwhile, at Paily Anchors Academy Mariana finds her way to a table for one before being joined by Chase. We know he’s cool because he wears a motorcycle jacket and can roll the ‘r’ in Mariana. He is also in the school play and wants Mariana to help out. Fool proof plans 101, get the hot guy from the play to ask underclass girls to help out. Works every time (except on the lesbians, although I am a little jealous of his jacket.)

On the other side of the quad under a tree Brandon is helping Talya run lines for The Glass Menagerie. She’s got this Black Sails thing going on with her outfit. Maybe they are having pirate day? He’s stilted and bored (I can understand the feeling) and then he gets huffy and tells Talya they have to break up. She asks if it’s because of Callie and, dammit, she wants the truth. He says yes and she storms off. Next time maybe channel your inner pirate and make him walk the plank.

In the theater room Mariana walks in a stares at Chase while Zach, gay freshman overachiever, yammers in her ear about how sending Chase out to recruit was the right strategy since the room is lousy with starry eyed teen girls. Zach’s a little starry eyed himself while they both watch Chase make announcements and butcher the English language. Mariana raises her hand to be the costume designer but so does crazy Kelsey. I love crazy Kelsey, she would drive me bananas in real life but her particular brand of nutty is a welcome change from Dawson Leery’s mooning. Looks like these two will be working together to get into Chase’s pants make the costumes. Mariana tells Kelsey that they can’t work together because Kelsey blamed Callie for stealing Jesus’s meds. Kelsey reminds Mariana that no one knows Mariana was her dealer because Kelsey kept her mouth shut. Oh I know this one! Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

Mike is fixing Lena’s Volvo, while Stef is inside with Lena’s vulv-*ahem*. Brandon’s not interested in helping to fix the car because he’s only into things that are all about him. Jesus says he’ll help Mike if Mike can beat him in a game of one on one.

Stef and Lena are putting away groceries in their courtroom attire. Bacon and women in suits, it’s lesbian Christmas. Brandon bombs in and starts talking, “Where’s Callie? Is she here? Can I talk to her? Can we make out? Where’s Callie?” Dude, simmer down. Stef says Callie isn’t coming home just yet because they have to sort out how they can possibly have these two under the same roof. Brandon volunteers to go live with Mike. How about we try a boarding school back East while you’re at it? Sadly, shipping him to an all boys school in Connecticut isn’t an option. Lena explains that Callie need to learn coping skills because her impulsive behavior isn’t going to cut it. Brandon starts lecturing the moms about how sending Callie to a group home is the worst idea. No, Brandon, you are the worst idea. He wants to see her. Good grief, dude! Stef and Lena are much calmer that I would be in this situation. They tell him that he and Callie need some time apart and he shouts, “We will never be over each other! We’re IN LOVE!”

Callie is getting out of a car at a house that may have been the set for the latest iteration of Ryan Murphy’s land of nightmares (I don’t know because I’m a scaredy cat and do not watch such things). Thankfully when they ring the bell it’s the welcome sight of Rosie O’Donnell gracing our televisions. She’s Rita, and she’s not going to take any of your shit, Callie. Mrs. Garrett invites Jo in to meet Blair and the rest of the girls. One of the girls is familiar because in the first episode she gave Callie a very special send off from juvie by punching her face in. The girls go around and tell a little about themselves and why they are there. Callie claims she doesn’t belong there because she didn’t do drugs, or kidnap anyone, or belong to a gang. But just like at Shawshank, everyone here says she’s innocent, too.

Brandon walks over to Jude’s room and leans against the doorway. Jordan Catalano he is not. He starts talking and Jude gets off his bed and shuts the door in Brandon’s face. We are all Judicorn. Brandon just can’t help himself and walks back to his room to google the places where Callie might be staying. Duuuuuuude. You are stretching the limits of my empathy with your creepiness. This is not the way to win Jude back (or Mariana, or Jesus for that matter).

Outside Stef is standing on the sidewalk and looking amazing. Mariana bops down and says Lena wants to invite Mike to stay for dinner. Stef says, “Really? Why?” Mike scores and she calls him out for traveling. Stef, please heckle your ex-husband more often. Stef multitasks like a pro and hears about Mariana working on the school play while thinking of her next burn for Mike. Jesus scores and then collapses to the ground gripping his chest. Stef sends Mariana to get Lena because she has a Ph.D. in literature? What? Stef and Mike you are both cops. Did we learn nothing from Stef getting shot? CALL 911!

Inside Jesus is sipping water and Lena gets off the phone with a doctor. Weird, this looks nothing like the ER. Lena says the doctor thinks that it was probably just a side effect of upping Jesus’s meds. Mike sticks his two cents in and wonders what in the world is in the meds that might make Jesus’s heart race. Mike, I like you. I like that you showed up and took care of the kids last week. I mostly think you’re a good guy who got dicked over by a world that made Stef marry a guy she didn’t love to conform to some heterosexual ideal. But man, this is not your kid. Your kid is the one upstairs brooding about how hard his life is since he went and fucked things up for Jude and Callie. If one of my siblings or friends questioned my parenting decisions in front my kids, I would be super pissed. But obviously, this is to segue into Mike recommending that Jesus try a contact sport to get some of his aggression out and work his way off the meds. Lena says hell no to football and Mike suggests wrestling. Jesus says he’s not going to grope dudes. Oh this was me in high school. No dude groping for me either Jesus. Mike explains how wrestling isn’t just about groping, it’s about snazzy singlets (don’t call it a unitard, bro) and take downs and strategy. Strategic takedowns with snazzy uniforms? This sounds a lot like the A team. Where’s Vanderjesus when you need her?

Back at Girls United, Cole is overseeing the KP and catching flak from Becca who calls him Nicole and refuses to use appropriate gender pronouns. Daphne takes Callie out back to show her where the trash goes and reminisce about that time she punched Callie’s lights out.

Back home Brandon is listening to loud, angry music because he is full of feelings and rage over not being reunited with Callie. Life is pain, highness. Mike sits down to explain to Brandon that he understands how he could fall for Callie but that he needs to understand that Callie ran away with another guy and hasn’t contacted Brandon since. Maybe he needs to focus on letting her go instead of stomping around and ruining other people’s lives. Brandon snaps at Mike and tries to deflect him with teenager crankiness. Mike doesn’t take the bait, maybe he learned from Lena, and stays calm which only pisses Brandon off more.

Callie’s roommate Chiara explains how to get her privileges so she can have visitors and how to get points deducted for bad behavior/not sticking the landing. Callie complains about the house being worse than juvie and Chiara says it may be hard but people care. Rita stops by and tells Callie that there will be someone downstairs all night in case she needs anything. Callie wants to know how she gets her privileges and Rita says the other girls vote on it. Callie snaps, “So what’s your job?” Remember when she asked, “So, you’re dykes?” Oh little Callie, we see you. Rita explains she’s basically the referee. Chiara assures Callie that if she does her jobs and participates during group the other girls won’t stop her from seeing her little brother.

Speaking of Judicorn, he appears in Mariana’ doorway and stares at Callie’s bed. He claims he just needs another pillow. Oh little Jude, so unwilling to put anyone out for your own comfort. Thankfully Mariana sees this and tells him that she misses having someone else in the room and would he like to sleep in Callie’s bed for the night? Character growth!

The next day Kelsey (who hasn’t read the play or anything else this year but the instructions on her herpes cream) and Mariana are at the vintage store trying to find just the right look for virginal, insecure, crippled, Laura. Kelsey is like “she totes sounds like you Mariana” and pulls out a Little House on the Prairie inspired ensemble for Mariana to try on. Mariana balks but Kelsey says went commando so she’s definitely not trying anything on. While Mariana tries the dress on Kelsey states her plan to sleep with Chase before opening night and shoves a fedora in Mariana’s backpack. They get stopped by the security guard on the way out of the store but he only wants to check their purchases, not Mariana’s backpack.

It’s group therapy time. Becca is detailing her multigenerational drug and sexual abuse history. The other girls push Rita to share. She tells she dabbled with weed in her youth and that her addiction is to food. Gabi says she’s not addicted to anything but the others think she’s addicted to her boyfriend. She turns her sights on Cole. Becca says she’s addicted to being a boy. Rita immediately corrects Becca’s improper use of pronouns. Cole says he should be in an LGBT home and Rita says she’s working on it. Cole wants to know what’s up with Callie? Callie searches but can’t think of something she’s addicted to. She says she ran away because she kissed her foster brother but that she needs her privileges not to see him but to explain to Jude why she ran away.

Stef walks into Mariana and Jude’s room and tells him that Callie earned her privileges and he can go visit her tomorrow. Mariana wants to know if she can go too but Stef says Jude should get Callie all to himself. Brandon creeps like a regular Ezra Fitz outside and listens in. Go away Brandon! After Stef leaves Mariana makes fun of herself for doing homework on a Friday night. She opens her bag and find the hat Kelsey slipped in at the store. Maybe it’s time to realize that Kelsey, while hilarious in a train wreck kind of way, isn’t a good friend.

Becca walks in to borrow lotion, and to give Callie shit. Callie storms out and accidentally walks into the bathroom while Cole is getting changed. Cole yells for Callie to leave and shoves her and then Callie shoves him back. He stumbles into the shower door and the glass breaks everywhere. Rita sits Callie and Cole down on the sofa and wants to know what the hell happened. They both say it was an accident, Cole slipped and fell, because if she knew either of them pushed the other they would both be kicked out of the house. Instead Rita takes a page from Anne of Green Gables and makes Anne sit with Gilbert. The indignity!

The next morning Stef and Lena find Jude ready to go visit Callie. He’s wearing a coat and a tie and could not be any cuter. They have to tell him that Callie lost her privileges and they can’t go see her today. The moms say that Brandon is at his piano lesson (NOPE) and the twins are fine for a bit so they would like to take Jude out to do something special. Jude says, “No thanks” and looks so sad. Lena’s face nearly broke my heart. Is there a worse feeling than not being able to help your kid? This kid can’t catch a break and there’s nothing that the moms can do about it. Why can’t all the kids be more like Jude?!

Mariana stomps up to Kelsey and confronts her about the stolen fedora. Mariana tells Kelsey to sneak it back into the store until Chase comes over and tells her that it’s “totes the thing he needs to create his character.” Eye roll. Guys, when I was in high school I often felt like other teenage girls were aliens, and being older than dirt has not changed that. This guy? Really? In the immortal words of Quinn Fabray, “That’s why girls experiment in college.” Totes.

Jesus is watching groping wrestling practice and notices there’s a girl. Jesus doesn’t think it looks so hard until Emma, the aforementioned girl, pins his face to the mat in less than half a second. She tells him “nice effort” and pats his little tush on her way back to the line.

Back at Girls Semi-United Callie stares out the window while Rita tries to get her and Cole to come down for ice cream. Cole only needs to hear “chocolate sauce” before he springs off his bed and hurries down for treats. Rita says she’s sorry Callie won’t get to see her brother and Callie snaps about Rita taking away her privileges for no reason. Oh Callie, Rita’s not stupid. She can smell your BS story a mile away. She tells Callie she better learn that her actions have consequences before she finds herself back in Azkaban. Callie stares out of the window some more and sees Mr. No Boundaries standing there like a creep. She runs outside and across the street so she can leap into Brandon’s arms. The girls stand on the porch. Some are delighted, Daphne shakes her head in disgust (I’m with Daphne) and Rita can’t believe what this girl just did immediately following their discussion of behavior and consequences.

Alright, let’s discuss. What did you think of this week’s episode?

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