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“Lost Girl” (4.3) recap: It was the best of lesbian times, it was the worst of lesbian times

Previously on Lost Girl: Jenny Schecter and Dyson got hit by the Hogwarts Express. Lauren got hit on by Betty McRae. Tiny Tam hit puberty. And that’s what you missed on Fae!

So Cleo and Dyson pass through the Fae version of Platform 9¾ to find themselves on the Death Train. Dyson doesn’t feel so hot afterward, but Cleo blows in his ear and it’s all better. Look, I know Jenny might well be the most hated character in lesbian universe, but I’d probably feel better if Mia Kirshner blew into my ear, too. Girl is aging nicely. And, as already noted, that skin is like buttah.

As an elemental, she can pass through dimensions without its killer side effects, but non-elementals like Wolf Boy can’t. Hence the sweet somethings. Also, put a sticky note on that ear thing because that much exposition always means Key Plot Point. Dyson starts yammering about how they need to find Bo, and the train shakes and shudders like an angry wildebeest. So he says it again to make sure there’s a cause and effect because, just like your neighbor’s golden retriever, he’s cute but not the brightest dog on the block. Yep, confirmed, correlation is causation in this instance.

Speaking of she whose name makes the demon gods shake, Bo is running through the forest in a flowing nightgown. I could take the high road and talk about how nice it is to finally see Anna Silk back on the show in full capacity. And how glowing she looks as a new mother. But I’m also the person who gives you Boobs O’Clock each week. So who the hell do we think we’re kidding? Fuck yeah, post-pregnancy boobs. There, I said it. Like I won’t mention the two enormous elephants in the room. Please.

Bo runs into some abandoned castle-chateau thingie (what do I know, I’m an American, any building older than last week is historic to me) in the woods. Just as she’s getting her bearings a family walks in. There’s mom, dad and bratty teenage daughter Megan Fox. Everyone is all open-mouthed until bratty Megan Fox (is that redundant?) clocks Bo on the noggin with a frying pan. Well, points for proactivity, I guess.

Also being proactive is the handyman in Lauren’s old apartment. He’s fixing the air conditioning for reasons unknown to us all. But seriously, who called in the faulty AC? It wasn’t Lauren because she’s at Ronny’s. It wasn’t the Ash because there is no Ash. And it wasn’t the torture-happy Una Mens because I don’t think they care about keeping a pleasant air temperature in their indentured servants’ housing units. Fine, whatever, maybe it’s routine maintenance. While he’s up there he finds one of the Wanted posters for Karen Beattie hidden inside that has been gumming up the works. OK, hold up. Suspension of disbelief over. There’s no way Lauren kept that information and even fewer ways she kept it and hid it inside her AC. That is unless she’s been marathoning Dexter and in a sleep-deprived haze thought she’d pay homage to him with that hiding place.

OK, fine, back to the plot. Some shapely but scraggly looking legs and bare feet pad into the apartment. We hear a familiar luscious languid voice talking to the maintenance man. Ding-dong, the Morrigan is alive. She’s alive and able to goo-ify her victims. Was that something we knew she could do? Because a) yuck and b) yuck some more.

What a sight for sore eye (see what I did there?) Emmanuelle Vaugier is. I sincerely hope the eye patch is a permanent addition, but I fear it won’t be. Just think of all the pirate/fae crossover fun we could have with her? Avast, matey, give me all your booty and also your treasure.

In the Diner of Lesbian Fandom Crossovers Lauren is being so delightfully Lauren by organizing the condiments. Crystal walks in and smiles because what else can you do when Lauren begins discussing the stability of carbonic acid in the middle of a shitty little greasy spoon? But, no, we won’t be discussing her peasant blouse. Some stuff is better left unsaid.

Crystal pulls of the let-me-reach-over-you-and-casually-graze-your-boob move to get to the newly organized sugar. That old chestnut. And then we’re all like, “Holy shit, Lauren and Betty are totally going to kiss! This is awesome. Wait, I’m a Doccubus shipper. Hold up, this is cross-fandom history. Stop being such a turncoat. Shut up, let it happen.” But in our heads.

Lauren says, “I can’t,” despite the country song crooning “We will be together” in the background. Then Ronny himself rings the bell and declares the break over and moment passed. But Crystal continues to look at Lauren like she’s a cut of prime USDA beef and her loins are a Weber. Also, no, we won’t be discussing her acid-wash denim-cloth skirt. Again, better left unsaid and so on.

Bo wakes up to find Megan Fox Lite and her mama knitting. Yes, knitting. This is what we’ll all be reduced to when the wi-fi goes out and the zombies come. Bo’s brain is a hurting and her head is jumbled with thoughts of a train and Lauren and why she isn’t making love in a train cross-country with Lauren circa 1990 Madonna.

Papa comes in from hanging the strangest line of laundry (all shoes, no socks) up as a perimeter around the house, while walking backwards no less. He’s a little agro and keeps yelling at Bo to leave. Megan Fox Lite notices Bo noticing her dad and tells her to stop staring at him like he’s made of hotdogs. OK, I like her. I also liked the movie Jennifer’s Body. But that’s another discussion for another day.

Back on the Train to Nowhere Dyson does a lot of yelling and sniffing and growling. The maid who Bo snacked on is still passed out and cooing about her kissing abilities. They realize Bo’s no longer on the train and Cleo frets about her well-being because dead Succubi don’t fetch top dollar like the live ones. And since she jumped off without an elemental there’ll be stomach cramping and death. Does one naturally lead to the other? This is making me nervous and want to stock up on Pepto-Bismol in case of aforementioned zombie apocalypse.

Bo is still dazed and confused, but her Spidey senses tell her to snoop around the house. What she finds are three fortified bunker rooms. If this were a bed-and-breakfast the TripAdvisor reviews would read “Quaint. Charming. Dungeony.” The family tells her they’re for their own safety because they’re being haunted by a ghost who comes for them on the same day every year. So they lock themselves away year-after-year to hide from it. Bo tells them “Dealing with weird shit is kind of what I do” and offers her help. She should put that on a business card. Megan Fox Lite is all, OMG, this is ridiculous, but I won’t pass up the opportunity to get locked into a cell with this one for the night. Knowwhatimean?

So speaking of uncomfortable arrangements, the Morrigan has set up shop in Lauren’s apartment. We know it’s Lauren’s apartment because of the naked lady art and leafy green doorway to another dimension. Mossimo the Druid arrives having been beckoned after five years of having not been beckoned by Evony. They share some catty repartee that ultimately boils down to you’d better grow back my damn eye, bitch. Also, Evony goo-ifies the nail girl because why not? Man, Lauren is never getting back her security deposit.

At Holiday Dungeon, Megan Fox Lite is bored out of her mind until Bo bursts in. She shows Bo a family scrapbook showcasing her relatives’ unfortunate habit of getting dead. We’re supposed to believe the dad is crazy and possibly homicidal, but mostly it’s all just an elaborate excuse to get Megan Fox Lite to hug Bo.

I really don’t know what to say about what happens next. It’s one part homage to foot fetish fans, two parts deeply weird and all parts totally funny. All I know is there’s something about Lazy John and monkeys and being buried alive. Long story short, Dyson gets his toes licked by a dude in the ground for information about where Bo went in the woods.

p.s. Sadly, those pink toes are Cleo’s, not Dyson’s.

So Bo springs Megan Fox Lite from her cell with the best of intentions. But then quickly realizes she’s made a terrible mistake because all of the precautions her dad took aren’t signs of a ghost but of a Fae body jumper, or jumbee. So, wouldn’t you know, Megan Fox Lite walks past the shoes and knots and promptly gets jumped into.

A lot of angry familiar drama starts to bubble up—I killed my whole family, blah blah, bah — but the long and short of it is now the body jumper is inside the house and everyone is in deep doo doo. As if on cue Megan Fox Lite goes all Jennifer’s Body — wait, I just got it, is this whole thing an homage to the movie—and floats up using her scariest demon voice talking about how everyone is going to die. Bo turns on the blue light special and tells everyone to run. Me, I go run for some popcorn because, honey child, this is gonna be good.

Lauren is still slaving away at the diner, when Crystal ignores her personal space to slide her her tips. Lauren starts to give her the “It’s complicated” spiel again, but then wants some answers instead. Like why is Crystal here. It’s not that existential why—why are we here, why do we exist, why is this life?—but more of the pragmatic why is a hottie like you in a dive like this. Crystal talks about big dreams and being swallowed whole. Fine, it’s a little existential.

Ali Liebert‘s face through it all is so lovely, open and vulnerable. She’s realigned her dreams to a 10-acre farm with chickens and pigs and an old Palamino named Duke. This is now her own little slice of heaven. Aw, man, Crystal. You’re going to break our damn hearts, aren’t you?

Crystal tells Lauren she knows she’s off the market, but she’s always welcome at her place for pizza and beers and venting. Lauren’s like, but where is that? And Crystal is like, check the napkin, princess. Then Lauren’s face does this, which means we’re all goddamn goners.

So Bo and Megan Fox Lite are having it out when who should swoop in but Dyson. Yeah, yeah, Wolf Boy saves the day. Just don’t touch his feet. The body jumper does just that and Bo gets officially introduced to the madness that is Jenny Schecter. Really, the only way Lost Girl could get more lesbian fandoms excited is if they cast Jaime Murray. Or possibly Laura Prepon. Hint, hint, producers—HINT, HINT.

Dyson and Bo double team possessed Schecter (once again I ask, redundant?) who cackles and wonders aloud if she just accepted a three-way. The body jumper jumps back into Megan Fox Lite and slices her mom’s neck. Mayhem, pandemonium, the usual.

Right, so this is what you came for. This is what you can’t stop thinking about. This is the main freaking event. Are you ready? Are you prepared? Have you taken your heart pills? Because it is about to explode or break, depending upon where your allegiances lie.

Lauren knocks on a door. It’s the door to Crystal’s apartment and lesbian fantasies everywhere. She answers wearing just her tank top, underwear and wine glass. Is that even legal? This is not a drill, people. I told you to be prepared.

Lauren has brought pizza and beer. So they proceed to get drunk and get with the venting. They talk about how they wish they could erase all the bad shit that has happened to them in the past. Hey, weren’t you here for the first episode? You can! They trade war stories. Sexually harassing boss. Wedding dress and combat boot high school fashion statements. Unreported hit-and-runs. Indentured servitude. Again, the usual.

p.s. I totally noticed the wedding dress, combat boot, riot grrl thing and totally loved it.

They look at each other, weary from their disappointing histories, and for a split second can see nothing but their immediate future. Their immediate intertwined and sweaty future. You see, this is how you forget. This is the only way to forget.

Yep, it happens. It happens and it happens good. There’s heaving and writhing and arching and hands reaching down into totally appropriate inappropriate areas. It so happens. I could give you like 200+ screencaps, but sometimes you just want to see the motion of the ocean, ya know?

OK, fine, here are a few screencaps, too. FOR SCIENCE.

Lauren and Crystal fall into a heap in each other’s arms. Crystal tells her, “You know I woulda been just fine with beer and pizza, right?” And Lauren is like, “Now she tells me.” Beer, pizza and orgasms? Is this lesbian heaven? No, it’s Lost Girl. Or is that a yes? Also, someone give Ali a prize for keeping her forearm just so to avoid any exposure of The Palmers. Make that boobie prize. Ahem!

Back in the Jennifer’s Body subplot we’ve all forgotten all about because our brains have just melted out of our damn skulls, Megan Fox Lite is yowling and totally killing our post-coital buzz. Bo takes a hit off her and we finally get the sepia-toned backstory. Jumbee was accused of being a witch in colonial times (possibly western, it’s a little hard to tell from the outfits). Megan Fox Lite’s ancestors separated her from her true love and killed them both. But she was an elemental, not a witch. Did we know water could burn elementals? Does this mean we have to rethink everything we thought we knew about the Wicked Witch of the West?

The jumbee and her fiancé were murdered and separated in death, their bones buried far apart from each other. It’s all very sad, yadda, she vows revenge on all the Jenkins, yadda, she won’t stop until they’re all dead, yadda. I’m sorry, I’m trying to be sensitive but mostly I’m just still thinking about those crumpled sheets.

Did you know Emmanuelle can move her eyes independently of each other? Neat party trick. She employs it with great effect as the Morrigan gets back her gouged eye. She seems pleased with Mossimo’s work. She’s even more pleased that Mossimo helped Tamsin “get rid of her,” her being the unaligned Succubus. So Evony declares it her new mission in life to be less nice and I kind of can’t wait. Hey, I’m a complicated person. Sometimes I root for the bad girl.

Bo continues to have what sound like labor pains. Is this a reenactment? But at least they helped her realize what they have to do to fix this. They need to dig up the jumbee and her fiancé and bury them together. Bo tells Dyson to go do it. Dyson says he won’t leave her. Bo kisses Dyson. The groans of a thousand lesbians play as soundtrack in the background.

Total side note: I know Mia isn’t going to be long for this series, but I just love her assortment of incredulous poses, mostly directed at Dyson.

So Dyson and Cleo run off to go grave digging and Bo stays to fight off the jumbee. It doesn’t go terribly well because her eyes go milky instead of blue. Cataracts isn’t as good a color on her. There’s just no nice way to put what happens next. Bo and Dyson get married. OK, so they’re surrogates for the jumbee and her fiancé. But it’s Bo and Dyson wearing their rings and saying their vows. Thank God Cleo told him to say “Noah” or this thing could be legally binding.

But it works because the jumbee and her fiancé’s bodies float away. Vengeance solved. Humans saved. Divorce lawyer called. Time for our heroes to call it a day, right? Wrong. Lauren walks into the diner the next morning all singing and I-just-had-sex happy. But the phone’s ringing off the hook for someone calling for “Karen.” Lauren high-tails it out of the diner and rushes to Crystal’s place. She tells her she has to leave town and begs Crystal to not tell anyone about her. I’ve heard of creative ways to get out of a second date, but this is ridiculous.

On the road back from everlasting wander, Cleo tries to pull a fast one on Bo and Dyson. She holds Bo at knifepoint and says she won’t blow in her ear to heal her unless she comes with her. Oh, Cleo, her eyes — and ear — are higher. But Bo doesn’t need any of Cleo’s healing, sexual or otherwise. She already had an elemental inside of her (wait, wasn’t there ear blowing required to make this work, I’m confused but that’s fairly normal).

So Bo just turns around and lays the smack-down on Cleo. Right hook. Elbow smash. Succu-suck. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been waiting all recap to say this. OH MY GOD, BO KILLED JENNY.

At least I think she’s dead. Or at least knocked the hell out. Poor Mia, she seems forever destined to die at the hands of hot women.

Lauren is hitchhiking her way out of Dodge. A car rolls up and she runs over to find Crystal. Can this really be happening? Are these two going to Thelma & Louise it, but with more sex? The look on Lauren’s face is so hopeful, so happy. This is fantastic. This is incredible. This is too good to be true. Yep, it’s the latter. Crystal apologizes and a big hand reaches out and chloroforms Lauren from behind. Oh, Crystal, honey—you sold out the cutest, sexiest, funniest girl who just rocked the hell out of your world just for a sad little farmhouse in the country? This isn’t just a sin against lesbian fandom. This is a sin against lesbiankind. I hope Duke kicks you in the heart.

Just so happens Bo and Dyson are driving down the exact same country road at that exact same moment. What, is the highway system that small in Canada? They pass Crystal’s car along the side of the road and see a blurry commotion inside. Bo sits up and wonders aloud if they should help. Dyson looks back and says no, “Whoever that is can fix their own flat tire.” In other words, good luck saving yourself, Lauren.

Wolf Boy, come on. Just when I was starting to like you again you go and do that and now the full wrath of lesbian rage shall come down upon your head. First you kiss Bo. Then you marry her. Then you refuse to help her (albeit ex) girlfriend. I need to rage drink a six-pack and eat an entire pizza. Who is with me?

 

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

No Kenzi this week, so no Kenzism. But, Bo gave us a pretty good introduction of herself.

Bo: Hi, I’m Bo. The unaligned Succubus. How are you? Just a couple things about me. I like leather. Having a good time. And, in case you haven’t noticed, I always meddle in things that don’t concern me.
BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

I mean, at this point it’s almost too easy.

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