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“Once Upon A Time” recap (3.08): Ship on a ship

Previously on Once Upon A Time, literally nothing. We’ve been chasing Peter Pan around Neverland in the most drawn-out storyline in television history. Seriously, this “Save Henry from Peter Pan” business has been going on longer than Ryder’s catfishing storyline did.

We open a long, long, long time ago, where a cute little boy is watching a man do a magic trick on the street. The man’s sleight of hand is revealed, and the gentleman who was swindled pins the magician to the wall. The little boy says it’s his father, but the man steals their money anyway. The magician tells the boy they’ll be alright. And calls him Rumple.

Rumple’s dad takes the little guy to a house, telling him that he’s going to stay with the nice ladies with the spindles who I have decided are a sweet old lesbian couple because why not. Rumple doesn’t know these women from a hole in the wall and would much rather stay with his father. His father gives Rumple a little doll and tells him to give it a name, because names always make things better, they make them real. Thus begins the legend of Rumplestiltskin, his knack for spinning, and his obsession with names.

Back in present-day Neverland, at Camp Lost Boy, Peter Pan asks Henry for the thousandth time if he’ll save magic, once again parading Wendy and her dramatic cough for leverage. Henry is like “Yes, I will help you save magic, like I told you four episodes ago. Can we please get on with it?”

Meanwhile, Team Storybrooke is (finally) getting ready to take some action. Mary Margaret is totally ready to abandon Emma again to stay in Neverland with David (to be fair, she’s known him longer) but Emma believes there must be another way. And for once, she out-optimisms her mother. During their traipse, they run into Regina and Rumple. Neal reveals Rumple’s prophecy about Henry being his undoing, and Regina takes a visible step away from him, the one she thought she was most like. They all draw their weapons on him and he’s like, “Seriously, guys? Still with this?” He offers to pinky swear that he is not going to kill Henry, but Neal says he can just hand over Pandora’s box instead. That way they don’t even have to trust him. Seems like a raw deal, but Rumple agrees.

Flash back to Little Rumple being taught to spin by his new mommies. As it turns out, he has a gift for spinning. The tiny boy is surprised to hear this, because he didn’t think he was very good at anything. And he’s sure if he can be the one to make the money, his father would stick around. (Sorry for all the noise, that was just my heart breaking into a thousand pieces.) The women take pity on the boy and offer him a magic bean. They tell him that his father is definitely not looking for work, and that he should go off to another land and lead a fatherless life. Little Rumple is quite determined to spend his life with his dad, so he goes off in search of him. Just as the women predicted, he was in the pub and not job hunting. He shows his dad the bean and, after putting his foot down on the idea of selling it, says they can start over together. His dad giggles just like grown Rumple does, wiggly hands and all, and says he has an idea. They can go somewhere he used to go in his dreams. The toss the bean down and jump on in, being sure to think lovely thoughts as they do.

In Neverland, Emma pulls Hook aside mid-march and asks if he’s sure there’s no cure for dreamshade. Rumple overhears and says that he might be able to make an elixir…for a price, of course. Neal steps in and says no dice, he does it out of the kindness of his heart or he doesn’t do it at all. Rumple agrees, but he makes the same face I did when I promised my friend I’d go see Twilight with her.

Tink! Bless Tink. How she’s put up with these commoners this long is anyone’s guess. Anywho, she’s found a way into Camp Lost Boy! They had made a no-magic rule for Rumple, but Regina doesn’t have to abide by it. Rumple asks Regina if she remembers the spell and she looks at him like “bitch, please” and knocks all the Lost Boys out in one fell swoop. They look at all the bodies but they don’t see Pan or Henry among them. Suddenly they hear a cry for help and Emma finds Wendy in her cage. Wendy looks genuinely surprised to see adults on the island and it suddenly occurs to me what a twisted, lawless, child-run island this was before we even got here. Neal tells Wendy that he’s Baelfire all grown up and he asks her why she’s here. She says that she came back to save him because he told her that he didn’t have a family. Rumple is a bit put off by this, and I’m sure Wendy is a little miffed, too.

Wendy feeds Pan’s lies to Emma, but Rumple can see right through them. He growls and pulls out his sword and everyone else is like “Dude, it’s an eleven-year-old girl in a nightgown, calm down.” She admits she lies for Pan because it’s the only reason he’s keeping her brothers John and Michael alive. Regina tells her that they trusted them, by way of Belle, and knowing that her brothers are okay, Wendy fesses up. She says that Peter Pan is dying and that he needs to absorb all the magic to become immortal. Worse still, if Peter Pan lives, Henry will die.

Cut to the terrible twosome, rowing their way towards Skull Rock. Peter Pan puts up a protection spell and leads Henry through the Rock to a giant hourglass, which he says is counting down the seconds until magic is dead.

Back on the mainland, Team Storybrooke make a plan to split up. Mary Margaret and David are going to get water from Dead Man’s Peak for Rumple’s elixir; Emma, Regina, Rumple, and Neal are going to save Henry; and Hook and Tink are staying behind because they don’t want to watch Mary Margaret and Charming make out and they won’t fit in the rowboat.

Flash back to Little Rumple and his dad landing on the beaches of Neverland. Rumple’s dad tells him that anything you believe is real on this island, and Little Rumple conjures up some cake. His dad tries to fly but ends up landing face-first in the sand before remembering he needs pixie dust.

Little Rumple’s dad finds the tree that grows pixie dust and scurries up it and doesn’t even wait to climb down before sprinkling it on himself and wishing to fly. When it doesn’t work, ShadowMan arrives and tells him that he doesn’t belong.

Present day, Swan Queen, Neal and Rumple are in a rowboat. They get off on Skull Rock but are stopped by Peter Pan’s protection spell. That is, everyone but Rumple. It’s meant to keep out anyone who casts a shadow, so only Rumple can go in. Regina gives him Pandora’s Box and a menacing threat and sends him on his way.

Emma quickly realizes that sitting there with Regina and Neal could get love-triangle levels of awkward any minute, so she suggests they cover the moon. (Probably inspired by the fact that she covered her arms at the beginning of the episode and everything has felt a little darker since.) Neal watches jealously as Regina and Emma work together to cause an eclipse. Back in time, Little Rumple is crying at the base of the tree his father disappeared into, when his dad appears and says that he’s fine. He always says that this island is just for children. Little Rumple doesn’t care where they go, as long as they’re together. Rumple’s dad is like, “Hm, sorry you feel this way, because I sort of just promised you to this ShadowMan.” ShadowMan turns Rumple’s dad into Peter Pan before taking Little Rumple away. Should have just stayed with the lesbians, Rumps.

In present day Skull Rock, Pan senses that Rumple has passed his barrier, and sits Henry down to wait while he deals with something. He confronts his son, who now looks significantly older than he does, and says they’re kind of the same. They both abandoned their sons for something selfish. Rumple says there’s one major difference. HE regretted abandoning Baelfire the second he let go of his hand. Pan looks at Rumple and asks why he thinks he calls himself Peter Pan, but Rumple isn’t moved. Pan says they can still be together, but Rumple has another fresh start in mind. He tries to open Pandora’s Box, to no avail. Peter Pan laughs. He has the real Pandora’s Box, thanks to a little sleight of hand. Once a magician, always a magician.

Little Rumple shows up at the spinning ladies’ doorstep, crying. They tuck him into bed and tell him to kiss his dolly goodnight. What was his dolly’s name, by the way? Ah, yes. Peter Pan.

Present day Peter Pan tells Henry that, in order to save magic, he just needs to give Pan his heart. Henry is like “Believe in you forever and ever? Yay!” and Pan is all, “No, literally, I need the organ in your chest to be in mine.”

Henry isn’t so sure he likes this plan, but Pan says the word “hero” over and over until Henry decides he must do whatever it takes to save magic. Pan gives his hand the fiery power of heart-ripping and Henry digs in and pulls out his own heart.

Just then, his two moms and Neal show up in the cave. They try to expose all of Pan’s lies, but Pan is deep in Henry’s head. Pan says his parents are lying because they don’t want to lose him, they’re being selfish. All adults lie. They promise they’re not lying and they keep shouting that they love him. Henry tells all three of them that he loves them, but that he needs to save magic. He shoves his heart into Peter Pan’s chest and falls unconscious to the floor. They all run to Henry’s lifeless body, as the newly empowered Peter Pan flies off into the night.

What did you think of “Think Lovely Thoughts”?

Here are some of our favorite #queerytales tweets from this week:

#queerytales Don’t Emma and Regina need to be touching to do ‘our’ magic? And also, naked? #SwanQueen – Galadriel Roc (@GillyRoc) November 18, 2013
HOLY MARY MARGARET MOTHER OF PLOT TWISTS #queerytales

– Mary Kay Knight (@MKAmericanHero) November 18, 2013

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