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“Chicago Fire” recap (2.3): “Is she hot?”

Previously on Chicago Fire, Casey got himself a couple of kids while Heather Darden is doing laundry with Alex Vause. Dawson continues to have shitty taste in men. Renee took her bun and went to Person of Interest but kicked us in the gut with her gorgeous, teary face before taking her leave. Severide solved the arson case through some sort of miracle of advanced thinking. And Shay, oh Shay you adorable pocket gay. Shay fumbled all over herself trying to sort out if the realtor was hitting on her. It’s cute when gorgeous people have no game, isn’t it? She and Severide made plans to move back in together in a three-bedroom and we all poured one out for the loft. I’ll miss you most of all, spiral staircase.

At Casey’s home for orphaned children, he’s learning the hard way why kids are born cute and not as surly tweens. Griffin is taking his anger about his dead father, murdering mother, and lack of cinnamon sugar pop tart out on his backpack. Casey snarls and Griffin snarls back and it’s a big cozy family, isn’t it?

Outside 51, Dawson is waiting for Smarmy Jay to drive up with her purse. She tells him she was in this relationship that fell apart because the guy was a big, pouty baby and she was in love with another guy who was a choke artist when it came to their dates. Then she tells Smarmy Jay she owes him one for returning the purse and to come by Molly’s. Dawson, the world owes you one for looking like that so let’s just call it even, OK?

Inside 51, Otis comes bounding up to Severide like a puppy who has been in the house all day. He wants to be Severide and Shay’s roommate. Cruz and Mouch come over and all three start yapping about why they all deserve the spot in the house of hotness. Severide tells them “this isn’t cheerleading tryouts” and sends them off to work it out.

Severide leaves the Three Houseketeers to chase down the Chief and lay out his theory that Hadley is the arsonist. His well-constructed, detailed, fool-proof theory consists of “I just have a feeling, Chief.” The Chief is unimpressed by Severide’s spidey sense and tells Severide he needs more before he accuses someone of being a Death Eater.

The team is called out to an underwater rescue. A car has gone into the drink and Scuba Severide is on it. He drops into the water and then his rope gets caught before he can grab the guy trapped in the car. By the time he pulls the driver out it’s too late, not even the magic healing touch of Gabriela Dawson can save him.

Back at 51, Otis and Cruz are explaining the theory of “residual tail” to Mouch. These dimwits think that there will be tons of chicks just hanging around at Shayveride’s because Shay and Severide are always hooking up with the ladies. Where have you two morons been? Shay has been wandering around in a dry patch the likes of which we haven’t seen since Moses went camping in the desert for 40 years. Severide just found out the kid wasn’t his and cried and was so sad, oh wait, yeah, he’s totally going to get laid.

Herrmann bops in with the fantastic news that the beer distributor is giving them a couple of free kegs of beer. Otis is excited but Dawson is wary of this free beer. She wants to be sure that’s it’s a nice microbrew, preferably something seasonal, maybe a pumpkin spice wheat beer. Dawson, your gay is showing again. Mouch whines about not having the signatures he needs to get on the ballot and Dawson offers up her “friend” (and former lady lover) Isabella to help him out. Shay asks “is she hot?” Dawson shoots her down with “she’s straight.” Straight like you’re straight, Dawson, or actually not at all in love with her best friend so dating men who are totally wrong for her straight?

Severide finds Mills mopping the bathroom floor and asks if it’s OK for his dad to come in the house. Mills tells him to keep Benny outside but changes his mind when he hears that Benny is there to help with the arson investigation. Mills walks outside, shakes Benny’s hand and tells him to catch whoever torched the restaurant. The Severide boys meet with the Chief to lay out why Hadley is the arsonist.

The Houseketeers are thinking up stupid ways to decide who gets the room. Mouch suggests drawing straws, but Otis, being a monumentally stupid man, suggests the cinnamon challenge. This requires a person to eat a spoonful of cinnamon in under 60 seconds. This is a real thing and it’s really stupid and it can kill you. In the middle of this meeting of the fraternity Beta Gamma Dumbass, Shay spills the beans to Mills and everyone else, about Severide’s theory that Hadley is the one starting fires. Mills storms off. Shay, you will be wearing the cone of shame for the rest of the day.

Casey gets a phone call and has to leave work. The Chief doesn’t like it and Clark the narc is listening in and taking notes. Casey is called to the actual principal’s office to talk about Griffin who, apparently, slugged a kid. The principal is outlining the ways in which Casey is screwing up as a parent when Dawson pops in, flips her hair, grabs Casey’s hand, and says all the right things. While up on her white horse, Dawson tells Casey that if he tries to do battle with an eleven-year-old he’s going to lose and maybe he should try less snarling and more kindness.

Boden walks into his office and Gail McLeod is sitting in his chair, stroking a white cat and cackling softly to herself. She wants to know why Hadley was chucked form 51 since the Chief wasn’t exactly thorough with his paperwork. She implies that having an arsonist as a former firefighter somehow reflects badly on Boden and then disappears in a poof of black smoke, Maleficent style. She really is delightfully evil.

Cruz pops down to invite Clark to come have a few drinks with everyone after their shift is over. He notices Clark’s wedding band and tells Clark to bring his wife. Clark immediately calls Capp over to cut the ring off. Dude, you can bring your husband, they’re a-OK with the gay at 51. He makes some excuse about his wife having moved out. Sure she did, buddy.

Shay and Dawson are in the rig driving to a call and Dawson tells Shay “so I totally just pretended to be Casey’s girlfriend. It was so easy and there were no feelings involved.” Shay makes the most unbelievable face and says it must be easy because Dawson is just so into someone else. She says Smarmy Jay but we all know Dawson really loves Shay.

They arrive to find a genius who has nailed his own arm to a board with a nail gun. The guy’s friend can’t bring himself to cut the piece of wood so Shay becomes the Lezbionic woman and weilds the circular saw like a champ. She leaves these two idiots with a reminder to always wear eye protection. Leslie Shay, renaissance woman.

Outside Molly’s the beer is flowing, Cruz is trying to impress Otis’ cousin with a mix CD, and Otis is ready for the cinnamon challenge. Mouch bows out right before Cruz discovers that Otis bought cumin by accident. Holy shitshow Batman. Dawson introduces Mouch to her friend Isabella. Mills enjoys the view of Isabella’s face but not so much the view of Dawson looking very happy with Smarmy Jay. The cops arrive to tell Herrmann that they can’t serve unlimited drinks for a set price. Methinks the cops were sent by Omega to break up this Delta party.

Benny is helping Severide and Shay move into their new place. When they hint that he should leave and go back to his wife and kids he says that Kelly needs him since his life has gone to shit. Kelly calls him on his bullshit and it turns out Benny and his wife are taking a break. Oh lord, looks like we have a winner for the third bedroom.

Herrmann and Dawson are cleaning up the bar, which made a grand total of sixty-two bucks off of its big promotion. Dawson tells Smarmy Jay that they owe Arthur a piece of the profit too. Herrmann leaves and Dawson locks the door. Smarmy offers to help her wash the glasses and she slides over to him and says they could just let them soak a while. Dawson, you are an incredibly sexy and attractive woman and on behalf of gay ladies I would like to say, “Really? This guy?” Perhaps Shay can lend you her cone of shame for your stupid ass decision.

The next day, Dawson is little out of it from her sexcapades the night before. Isabella is showing Mouch how to tweet and he’s giddy at his first retweet. He scampers off to find Herrmann leaving Isabella to seek Dawson’s blessing to go after Mills. Dawson nearly laughs in her face and stumbles over 47 ways to say “take him, girl, I don’t want ’em.”

Boden comes in to say that from now on, anyone who needs to leave the house will need the hall pass, advanced, written permission, and a note from a doctor, priest or rabbi. Looks like the narc has struck again. Boden isn’t done. He lights Otis up for being a stupid git who thought a cinnamon challenge was a good idea. Otis pees his pants and promises to try not to be monumentally stupid ever again. Herrmann gets himself exercised over the fact that there’s a snitch in the house (he’s pissed that as the Hufflepuff seeker he can’t find the damn thing) and storms out into the garage. He yells at Clark and it looks like they might come to blows until Clark stands up and Herrmann realizes that he’s a hobbit next to this guy.

This display of testosterone is interrupted by Hadley who is at the house to say “hi,” buy a T-shirt, and establish an alibi for when the alarm goes off calling everyone to the fire he started. He stands there, looking a lot like Keith from Some Kind of Wonderful, who was played by Eric Stolz who also starred in Mask with Cher (the answer to Clark’s crossword puzzle question). The fire appears to be in an abandoned building so they aren’t going in until a guy flies through a window. His girlfriend is inside so in they go to rescue her. They find her and narrowly escape the inferno. Hadley is lurking at the scene and Severide nearly takes his head off.

Casey is taking the Darden boys to see their mom at Litchfield. He explains that it sucks to see your mom in prison, shows them his visitor’s punch card, and tells them they need to be brave to help their mom.

Severide is telling Shay all about how he got yelled at by the arson investigator and his dad for going after Hadley. She’s listening because they’re bros, but offers a better solution to all his whining, going out and getting drunk. At Molly’s, Otis is showing Herrmann the glorious sight of their competitor, Game Day, being shut down by the fire marshal. Delta House strikes back! Cruz tries to woo Otis’ cousin with a mix CD. She pats him on the head, takes the CD, and pops into Severide’s car. Yeah, see Cruz, at Shayveride’s House of Mesmerizing Eyes there’s not a lot of hot lady action left for anyone else.

Casey and the boys are eating ice cream by the water. Ben wants Casey to promise he’s not going to leave like his parents. He promises, which is nice in the moment but, you know, breaking a promise to a kid will get you sent straight to hell.

Back at the bar, Otis is substituting the “eat six Saltines in a minute challenge” for the more deadly cinnamon challenge. He stuff them into his mouth just before Cruz says that he wants no part of living with the greek gods of gorgeous. Mills flirts with Isabella who asks him to celebrate with her. He looks a little sad when she tells him that Gaby is just fine with them dating. Mouch gets all the signatures he needs to get on the ballot and everyone celebrates for half a second before Arthur walks into the bar. He asks for his share and Dawson dumps out the tip jar. He says, “Oh no, you silly girl, Smarmy Jay has been telling me all about how well you guys are doing. So we’re going to have a new deal.” Dawson loses it over and kicks Jay out of the bar. I think he deserved a swift kick elsewhere, but that’s just me.

You fucked with the wrong Marine, bucko. Dawson, girl, maybe it’s time to see how the other half lives. Shay’s single and not a spy for the mob.

Next week it looks like Shay and Dawson are breaking up and someone points a gun at Shay.

So, what did you think of “Defcon 1”?

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