Melissa’s House
Another day, another Jersey mcmansion echoing with the cries of battles past. Teresa brings her kids over to see their cousins because they are not yet old enough to despise each other. Soon the herd of screaming brunette children are roaming about the place like wild cats, clawing up overwrought lighting fixtures with chaotic glee. Teresa is creating a hair care line and Melissa is “supportive, which is nice and refreshing” because the woman cannot simply say “Nice.” Melissa shows Teresa a mock up of her book cover and Teresa sort of chokes out “Aw yeah.”
Penny: I should say who but I won’t. I’d rather take the blame because that’s just the kind of person I am.
Melissa: Well then it sounds like you’re being used and abused honey, and I’m not being rude.
Oh. SNAP. +30 to Melissa for smacking that bitch up. Penny is clearly holding back, but Melissa sees that Penny isn’t going to say anymore so she is faced with a choice: either keep fighting and risk escalation for no real purpose, or just move on. And Melissa, miraculously, decides to move on. Melissa tells Penny that she’s very happy, to please stay out of her life, and to enjoy the party. By ending the debate with Penny, Melissa effectively boots Penny out of the spotlight and her accusations with her. By not getting nasty on TV, Melissa avoids any more nastiness being thrown at her. Now she can control the story, and her story is that Penny is a crazy liar out to mess with Melissa. No matter what Penny or Jan say about Melissa’s marriage, Joe was standing right behind her the entire time, and their marriage does seem happy. People can say what they want but ultimately truth is shown through actions, not words.
Melissa taught us all a valuable lesson tonight. By treating people who spread rumors about you as crazy and meaningless, you effectively render those people crazy and meaningless.
Whoa.
Hookah Bar
Everyone except Chris (who is staying home with the kids) come out to smoke a little hookah and talk a little shit. Joe G tells Melissa about taking her to a spa in Arizona for her birthday with all of their friends. And Teresa. Melissa is annoyed at the idea of spending her birthday with her (supposed) tormenter, but Joe G is insistent. Everyone congratulates Jacquline on the debut of her new and improved stomach and face, then begin eagerly sucking down smoke. Rich makes a phallic joke about the hookah because Rich has all the sophistication and wit of a boy at his Bar Mitzvah.
When Joe Gorga asks everyone (including lesbian spinster RoRo, yay) on vacation, the gang eagerly agrees. “Everyone gets along on vacation,” Joe Gorga says happily. But I kinda feel like if there’s anything the RH franchise has proved, it’s that people DO NOT always get along on vacation. Vacations actually start mad shit.
Melissa’s HouseGorga family frolics in the snow. Teresa calls to invite Melissa to the launch party for her new line of hair products. Jan and Penny, the women accusing Melissa of cheating, will be there and Teresa suggests Melissa confront the devious duo. Teresa tells Melissa that her party will be the perfect opportunity for Melissa to interrogate the rumor mongers, which is pretty odd considering it’s why would Teresa want drama at her own event? Oh yes, because she’s Teresa. That’s why. “I’ll definitely have your back,” Teresa tells Melissa, and Melissa is like “Uh OK,” because she does not trust Teresa one bit. Teresa looks gleeful. The woman can smell blood, and she likes the scent, whoever it comes from.
Caroline’s Apartment
Kathy and Caroline discuss/diss their husbands, who are both a little too bossy. Caroline points out that at least she has a break from Al. Rich is around Kathy constantly. God. What hell that must be. Poor, poor Kathy. Kathy talks about Rich trying to control her business, and Caroline tells Kathy she’s got to stand up to him.
Teresa’s House
Milania wears Teresa’s bra and preens, as very young girls tend to do. Nefarious shit-stirrer Kim D arrives to get ready with Teresa for the launch that evening. Kim D was there when Penny and Jan told Teresa that Melissa had cheated on Joe.
Nail Salon
Melissa talks about how Jan stabbed her in the back. Jan and Melissa used to be best friends, and both were in each others’ wedding. How times have changed, and with time, loyalty.
Kathy’s House
Kathy stands up to Rich about his bossy takeover of her baking business. Rich had leased an enormous test kitchen in a bad neighborhood without telling Kathy. Kathy detests the test kitchen and just wants to cook at home, an economical and smart choice for a fledgling business. Rich is pretty dismissive, acting like he knows it all even when since it’s Kathy cooking it’s Kathy’s choice on where to cook. Rich is just trying to participate in the time-honored housewife tradition of husbands pimping out their wives for personal profit rather than actually working a job.
Launch Party
Melissa arrives and immediately spots Penny and Jan lurking ominously in the corner of the room. She ignores them. Jan looks fucking evil, and Penny looks like only half of the lights are on upstairs. The two loudly talk about Melissa in the corner because it’s the only thing they have to say that the world shows any interest in. Jan in particular is on a venomous roll, talking non-stop about Melissa’s personal life and supposed cheating. The woman, a pretty woman, is practically foaming at the mouth and comes off as a spiteful thing. Kim D approaches Teresa and Melissa. Kim D, being a clever sycophant, can tell that the tide is turning for Teresa and Melissa. Now that Teresa and Melissa have made up, there’s no one of note to back up Penny or Jan’s claims. Kim D isn’t looking to fall out of Teresa’s oily embrace, and sweetly asks Melissa if they can move on from the past. Just like that, Kim D has switched sides.
Jan approaches the group, rearing for a fight. “Hey girls,” Jan coos while Melissa stares at her former bestie blankly while scratching her nose. Jan congratulates Teresa on her project and then, seeing Melissa isn’t down to rumble, begins to walk away. Teresa can’t have that. “Don’t you have something to say to her?” Teresa asks Melissa and Melissa looks frightened and is like “What?” What a sissy. I kinda expected better from Melissa.
Jan throws the gauntlet by being all like “I heard you were saying stuff about me,” and Melissa is all “That’s funny, because I heard you were saying something about me,” and just like that the battle has begun. Melissa starts in slowly, and I can’t help but wince at her weak demeanor. Finally Jan gets Melissa going by straight up saying, “You were meeting up with your ex” and Melissa’s eyes go all wide. Excellent. When a housewives eyes get big, shit gets real.
Melissa’s tactic becomes clearer, and it’s a solid if not particularly inspired one. Stay stoic, repeat over and over that Jan is lying, and plaintively remind Jan of the friendship they once had. Melissa keeps mostly away from personal digs, but manages to hold her own by emphatically and believably denying every accusation. When Jan brings up Penny, the woman who first brought accusations of infidelity to light, Melissa states that Jan once told her Penny was just a crazy lady obsessed with Melissa.The result is we all feel bad for Melissa because her BFF turned on her, and the BFF looks like such a massive bitch no one wants to believe what she has to say. It’s good stuff. Finally Melissa tells Jan to go away, and off Jan goes. She’s got no more ammo, but someone else does.
Now it’s Penny’s turn to attack. However, Melissa’s description of Penny has crazy and obsessive makes her statement less believable. As does Penny’s vacant eyes, plaits of fake platinum hair, and stringy shimmer dress. Penny’s garb does not suggest “this 40 something woman is totally trustworthy and stable.” Penny also happens to be the cousin of the man who accused Melissa of being a stripper. So that’s shady. Melissa, who has never met Penny, calls out Penny for talking shit. Penny admits that she said those accusations, but says she was confronted with certain questions and simply answered them honestly. Teresa begins to but in aggressively, and with a really creepy fake smile, making Penny repeat that she and Teresa had only met once and therefore could not possibly be in cahoots.
Teresa doesn’t give a fuck about Melissa’s reputation or current argument. All Teresa cares about is, as usual, Teresa. For some reason she feels Penny has totally released her of responsibility, and now assumes the attitude of a deeply slighted but kindly forgiving woman. Teresa butting in to make the conversation about her, and her innocence, isn’t just self absorbed- it’s questionable. It seems like every time Melissa tries to get a straight answer out of Penny about who pried her for info, Teresa buts in. Penny is sticking to her story, but not telling the whole story.
Penny: I should say who but I won’t. I’d rather take the blame because that’s just the kind of person I am.
Melissa: Well then it sounds like you’re being used and abused honey, and I’m not being rude.
Oh. SNAP. +30 to Melissa for smacking that bitch up. Penny is clearly holding back, but Melissa sees that Penny isn’t going to say anymore so she is faced with a choice: either keep fighting and risk escalation for no real purpose, or just move on. And Melissa, miraculously, decides to move on. Melissa tells Penny that she’s very happy, to please stay out of her life, and to enjoy the party. By ending the debate with Penny, Melissa effectively boots Penny out of the spotlight and her accusations with her. By not getting nasty on TV, Melissa avoids any more nastiness being thrown at her. Now she can control the story, and her story is that Penny is a crazy liar out to mess with Melissa. No matter what Penny or Jan say about Melissa’s marriage, Joe was standing right behind her the entire time, and their marriage does seem happy. People can say what they want but ultimately truth is shown through actions, not words.
Melissa taught us all a valuable lesson tonight. By treating people who spread rumors about you as crazy and meaningless, you effectively render those people crazy and meaningless.
Whoa.
Joe Gorga: As far as Melissa goes, I love her boobs. The only thing I would do over is get them a little bit bigger.
Aw. What a sweet sentiment. Joe Gorga wants to do something special for Melissa’s birthday so Chris suggests he take her on a spa vacation. Joe G decides the whole group should go. They debate inviting the Giudices but Joe G decides he’s forgiven his sister and the entire crew should take another opportunity to bond.
Caroline’s CondoThe Manzos debate rug placement until Albert and Caroline get locked into a passive aggressive married person power struggle. Caroline is getting annoyed with Albert always getting to call the shots.
Greek Restaurant
Less flashy Manzo child Lauren dines with her boyfriend of three years, Vito, who looks exactly like the other men on this show. Vito is older than Lauren and wants to get married, but now that Lauren has her own business she’s not so gung ho about settling down.
Lauren: Vito just wants to sit on the couch, eat, and watch TV but I don’t want to get fat and bored.
Damn, girl just dropped some major truths. You see, before getting into the fast-paced world of hair and makeup, young Lauren had been eager to marry Vito. Now, three years in, she’s still young but he’s getting older and wants to know why Lauren’s feelings on the subject of marriage have so drastically changed. Like Caroline, Lauren has discovered the joys of a life not totally centered around your man. And like Caroline, Lauren isn’t trying to go back in time. Vito used to be first on Lauren’s priority list. Now he’s second, and less than thrilled. “When I wasn’t working, I had a ring picked out,” Lauren says, “Now I really don’t care.”
Hookah Bar
Everyone except Chris (who is staying home with the kids) come out to smoke a little hookah and talk a little shit. Joe G tells Melissa about taking her to a spa in Arizona for her birthday with all of their friends. And Teresa. Melissa is annoyed at the idea of spending her birthday with her (supposed) tormenter, but Joe G is insistent. Everyone congratulates Jacquline on the debut of her new and improved stomach and face, then begin eagerly sucking down smoke. Rich makes a phallic joke about the hookah because Rich has all the sophistication and wit of a boy at his Bar Mitzvah.
When Joe Gorga asks everyone (including lesbian spinster RoRo, yay) on vacation, the gang eagerly agrees. “Everyone gets along on vacation,” Joe Gorga says happily. But I kinda feel like if there’s anything the RH franchise has proved, it’s that people DO NOT always get along on vacation. Vacations actually start mad shit.
Melissa’s HouseGorga family frolics in the snow. Teresa calls to invite Melissa to the launch party for her new line of hair products. Jan and Penny, the women accusing Melissa of cheating, will be there and Teresa suggests Melissa confront the devious duo. Teresa tells Melissa that her party will be the perfect opportunity for Melissa to interrogate the rumor mongers, which is pretty odd considering it’s why would Teresa want drama at her own event? Oh yes, because she’s Teresa. That’s why. “I’ll definitely have your back,” Teresa tells Melissa, and Melissa is like “Uh OK,” because she does not trust Teresa one bit. Teresa looks gleeful. The woman can smell blood, and she likes the scent, whoever it comes from.
Caroline’s Apartment
Kathy and Caroline discuss/diss their husbands, who are both a little too bossy. Caroline points out that at least she has a break from Al. Rich is around Kathy constantly. God. What hell that must be. Poor, poor Kathy. Kathy talks about Rich trying to control her business, and Caroline tells Kathy she’s got to stand up to him.
Teresa’s House
Milania wears Teresa’s bra and preens, as very young girls tend to do. Nefarious shit-stirrer Kim D arrives to get ready with Teresa for the launch that evening. Kim D was there when Penny and Jan told Teresa that Melissa had cheated on Joe.
Nail Salon
Melissa talks about how Jan stabbed her in the back. Jan and Melissa used to be best friends, and both were in each others’ wedding. How times have changed, and with time, loyalty.
Kathy’s House
Kathy stands up to Rich about his bossy takeover of her baking business. Rich had leased an enormous test kitchen in a bad neighborhood without telling Kathy. Kathy detests the test kitchen and just wants to cook at home, an economical and smart choice for a fledgling business. Rich is pretty dismissive, acting like he knows it all even when since it’s Kathy cooking it’s Kathy’s choice on where to cook. Rich is just trying to participate in the time-honored housewife tradition of husbands pimping out their wives for personal profit rather than actually working a job.
Launch Party
Melissa arrives and immediately spots Penny and Jan lurking ominously in the corner of the room. She ignores them. Jan looks fucking evil, and Penny looks like only half of the lights are on upstairs. The two loudly talk about Melissa in the corner because it’s the only thing they have to say that the world shows any interest in. Jan in particular is on a venomous roll, talking non-stop about Melissa’s personal life and supposed cheating. The woman, a pretty woman, is practically foaming at the mouth and comes off as a spiteful thing. Kim D approaches Teresa and Melissa. Kim D, being a clever sycophant, can tell that the tide is turning for Teresa and Melissa. Now that Teresa and Melissa have made up, there’s no one of note to back up Penny or Jan’s claims. Kim D isn’t looking to fall out of Teresa’s oily embrace, and sweetly asks Melissa if they can move on from the past. Just like that, Kim D has switched sides.
Jan approaches the group, rearing for a fight. “Hey girls,” Jan coos while Melissa stares at her former bestie blankly while scratching her nose. Jan congratulates Teresa on her project and then, seeing Melissa isn’t down to rumble, begins to walk away. Teresa can’t have that. “Don’t you have something to say to her?” Teresa asks Melissa and Melissa looks frightened and is like “What?” What a sissy. I kinda expected better from Melissa.
Jan throws the gauntlet by being all like “I heard you were saying stuff about me,” and Melissa is all “That’s funny, because I heard you were saying something about me,” and just like that the battle has begun. Melissa starts in slowly, and I can’t help but wince at her weak demeanor. Finally Jan gets Melissa going by straight up saying, “You were meeting up with your ex” and Melissa’s eyes go all wide. Excellent. When a housewives eyes get big, shit gets real.
Melissa’s tactic becomes clearer, and it’s a solid if not particularly inspired one. Stay stoic, repeat over and over that Jan is lying, and plaintively remind Jan of the friendship they once had. Melissa keeps mostly away from personal digs, but manages to hold her own by emphatically and believably denying every accusation. When Jan brings up Penny, the woman who first brought accusations of infidelity to light, Melissa states that Jan once told her Penny was just a crazy lady obsessed with Melissa.The result is we all feel bad for Melissa because her BFF turned on her, and the BFF looks like such a massive bitch no one wants to believe what she has to say. It’s good stuff. Finally Melissa tells Jan to go away, and off Jan goes. She’s got no more ammo, but someone else does.
Now it’s Penny’s turn to attack. However, Melissa’s description of Penny has crazy and obsessive makes her statement less believable. As does Penny’s vacant eyes, plaits of fake platinum hair, and stringy shimmer dress. Penny’s garb does not suggest “this 40 something woman is totally trustworthy and stable.” Penny also happens to be the cousin of the man who accused Melissa of being a stripper. So that’s shady. Melissa, who has never met Penny, calls out Penny for talking shit. Penny admits that she said those accusations, but says she was confronted with certain questions and simply answered them honestly. Teresa begins to but in aggressively, and with a really creepy fake smile, making Penny repeat that she and Teresa had only met once and therefore could not possibly be in cahoots.
Teresa doesn’t give a fuck about Melissa’s reputation or current argument. All Teresa cares about is, as usual, Teresa. For some reason she feels Penny has totally released her of responsibility, and now assumes the attitude of a deeply slighted but kindly forgiving woman. Teresa butting in to make the conversation about her, and her innocence, isn’t just self absorbed- it’s questionable. It seems like every time Melissa tries to get a straight answer out of Penny about who pried her for info, Teresa buts in. Penny is sticking to her story, but not telling the whole story.
Penny: I should say who but I won’t. I’d rather take the blame because that’s just the kind of person I am.
Melissa: Well then it sounds like you’re being used and abused honey, and I’m not being rude.
Oh. SNAP. +30 to Melissa for smacking that bitch up. Penny is clearly holding back, but Melissa sees that Penny isn’t going to say anymore so she is faced with a choice: either keep fighting and risk escalation for no real purpose, or just move on. And Melissa, miraculously, decides to move on. Melissa tells Penny that she’s very happy, to please stay out of her life, and to enjoy the party. By ending the debate with Penny, Melissa effectively boots Penny out of the spotlight and her accusations with her. By not getting nasty on TV, Melissa avoids any more nastiness being thrown at her. Now she can control the story, and her story is that Penny is a crazy liar out to mess with Melissa. No matter what Penny or Jan say about Melissa’s marriage, Joe was standing right behind her the entire time, and their marriage does seem happy. People can say what they want but ultimately truth is shown through actions, not words.
Melissa taught us all a valuable lesson tonight. By treating people who spread rumors about you as crazy and meaningless, you effectively render those people crazy and meaningless.
Whoa.
Teresa: I think Melissa looks beautiful on the cover. But where the hell is my brother?
Oy. Teresa can and will be offended by anything. Literally anything. A paper towel could offend Teresa. A candle could offend Teresa. A puppy. A cupcake. A fish. Anything. Melissa then brings up the rumors of cheating, which rather sketchily emerged once Melissa began writing a book about her successful marriage strategies. Life and Style even published a cover emblazoned with “Melissa Cheated on Joe!” Teresa tells Melissa to ignore it. However, Teresa did have dinner on national television with women claiming Melissa cheated on Joe, so ya know. She hasn’t said it, but she hasn’t in any way contradicted the accusation.
Jacqueline’s House
Jacqueline is coming back from CALI CALI with her new neck and stomach. Yay! Her boys and husband are super happy to have mom back.
Grocery Store
Kathy and her used prophylactic of a husband are scouting the local cannolis. That was a weird sentence to type. When Kathy tries to ask the bakery staff questions about their selection of Italian desserts, Rich keeps butting in because he knows everything and therefore should be in charge. Like many assholes of his ilk, Rich is convinced of his own superior intelligence and would happily tell anyone, anywhere, how better to do what they do. Rich might not have any discernible career but he sure as hell knows how to run everyone else’s.
Cigar Place
Like the gentlemen they clearly are, NJ housewife hubbies like to let it all hang out vis-a-vid hard liqour and stogies. Rich is all, “What are we doing in a cigar bar? I thought that was code for a strip club” because he must constantly bring up sexxxx to prove how cool he is. Rich, you are not cool. You have never, and will never be cool. Accept it.
Joe Gorga: As far as Melissa goes, I love her boobs. The only thing I would do over is get them a little bit bigger.
Aw. What a sweet sentiment. Joe Gorga wants to do something special for Melissa’s birthday so Chris suggests he take her on a spa vacation. Joe G decides the whole group should go. They debate inviting the Giudices but Joe G decides he’s forgiven his sister and the entire crew should take another opportunity to bond.
Caroline’s CondoThe Manzos debate rug placement until Albert and Caroline get locked into a passive aggressive married person power struggle. Caroline is getting annoyed with Albert always getting to call the shots.
Greek Restaurant
Less flashy Manzo child Lauren dines with her boyfriend of three years, Vito, who looks exactly like the other men on this show. Vito is older than Lauren and wants to get married, but now that Lauren has her own business she’s not so gung ho about settling down.
Lauren: Vito just wants to sit on the couch, eat, and watch TV but I don’t want to get fat and bored.
Damn, girl just dropped some major truths. You see, before getting into the fast-paced world of hair and makeup, young Lauren had been eager to marry Vito. Now, three years in, she’s still young but he’s getting older and wants to know why Lauren’s feelings on the subject of marriage have so drastically changed. Like Caroline, Lauren has discovered the joys of a life not totally centered around your man. And like Caroline, Lauren isn’t trying to go back in time. Vito used to be first on Lauren’s priority list. Now he’s second, and less than thrilled. “When I wasn’t working, I had a ring picked out,” Lauren says, “Now I really don’t care.”
Hookah Bar
Everyone except Chris (who is staying home with the kids) come out to smoke a little hookah and talk a little shit. Joe G tells Melissa about taking her to a spa in Arizona for her birthday with all of their friends. And Teresa. Melissa is annoyed at the idea of spending her birthday with her (supposed) tormenter, but Joe G is insistent. Everyone congratulates Jacquline on the debut of her new and improved stomach and face, then begin eagerly sucking down smoke. Rich makes a phallic joke about the hookah because Rich has all the sophistication and wit of a boy at his Bar Mitzvah.
When Joe Gorga asks everyone (including lesbian spinster RoRo, yay) on vacation, the gang eagerly agrees. “Everyone gets along on vacation,” Joe Gorga says happily. But I kinda feel like if there’s anything the RH franchise has proved, it’s that people DO NOT always get along on vacation. Vacations actually start mad shit.
Melissa’s HouseGorga family frolics in the snow. Teresa calls to invite Melissa to the launch party for her new line of hair products. Jan and Penny, the women accusing Melissa of cheating, will be there and Teresa suggests Melissa confront the devious duo. Teresa tells Melissa that her party will be the perfect opportunity for Melissa to interrogate the rumor mongers, which is pretty odd considering it’s why would Teresa want drama at her own event? Oh yes, because she’s Teresa. That’s why. “I’ll definitely have your back,” Teresa tells Melissa, and Melissa is like “Uh OK,” because she does not trust Teresa one bit. Teresa looks gleeful. The woman can smell blood, and she likes the scent, whoever it comes from.
Caroline’s Apartment
Kathy and Caroline discuss/diss their husbands, who are both a little too bossy. Caroline points out that at least she has a break from Al. Rich is around Kathy constantly. God. What hell that must be. Poor, poor Kathy. Kathy talks about Rich trying to control her business, and Caroline tells Kathy she’s got to stand up to him.
Teresa’s House
Milania wears Teresa’s bra and preens, as very young girls tend to do. Nefarious shit-stirrer Kim D arrives to get ready with Teresa for the launch that evening. Kim D was there when Penny and Jan told Teresa that Melissa had cheated on Joe.
Nail Salon
Melissa talks about how Jan stabbed her in the back. Jan and Melissa used to be best friends, and both were in each others’ wedding. How times have changed, and with time, loyalty.
Kathy’s House
Kathy stands up to Rich about his bossy takeover of her baking business. Rich had leased an enormous test kitchen in a bad neighborhood without telling Kathy. Kathy detests the test kitchen and just wants to cook at home, an economical and smart choice for a fledgling business. Rich is pretty dismissive, acting like he knows it all even when since it’s Kathy cooking it’s Kathy’s choice on where to cook. Rich is just trying to participate in the time-honored housewife tradition of husbands pimping out their wives for personal profit rather than actually working a job.
Launch Party
Melissa arrives and immediately spots Penny and Jan lurking ominously in the corner of the room. She ignores them. Jan looks fucking evil, and Penny looks like only half of the lights are on upstairs. The two loudly talk about Melissa in the corner because it’s the only thing they have to say that the world shows any interest in. Jan in particular is on a venomous roll, talking non-stop about Melissa’s personal life and supposed cheating. The woman, a pretty woman, is practically foaming at the mouth and comes off as a spiteful thing. Kim D approaches Teresa and Melissa. Kim D, being a clever sycophant, can tell that the tide is turning for Teresa and Melissa. Now that Teresa and Melissa have made up, there’s no one of note to back up Penny or Jan’s claims. Kim D isn’t looking to fall out of Teresa’s oily embrace, and sweetly asks Melissa if they can move on from the past. Just like that, Kim D has switched sides.
Jan approaches the group, rearing for a fight. “Hey girls,” Jan coos while Melissa stares at her former bestie blankly while scratching her nose. Jan congratulates Teresa on her project and then, seeing Melissa isn’t down to rumble, begins to walk away. Teresa can’t have that. “Don’t you have something to say to her?” Teresa asks Melissa and Melissa looks frightened and is like “What?” What a sissy. I kinda expected better from Melissa.
Jan throws the gauntlet by being all like “I heard you were saying stuff about me,” and Melissa is all “That’s funny, because I heard you were saying something about me,” and just like that the battle has begun. Melissa starts in slowly, and I can’t help but wince at her weak demeanor. Finally Jan gets Melissa going by straight up saying, “You were meeting up with your ex” and Melissa’s eyes go all wide. Excellent. When a housewives eyes get big, shit gets real.
Melissa’s tactic becomes clearer, and it’s a solid if not particularly inspired one. Stay stoic, repeat over and over that Jan is lying, and plaintively remind Jan of the friendship they once had. Melissa keeps mostly away from personal digs, but manages to hold her own by emphatically and believably denying every accusation. When Jan brings up Penny, the woman who first brought accusations of infidelity to light, Melissa states that Jan once told her Penny was just a crazy lady obsessed with Melissa.The result is we all feel bad for Melissa because her BFF turned on her, and the BFF looks like such a massive bitch no one wants to believe what she has to say. It’s good stuff. Finally Melissa tells Jan to go away, and off Jan goes. She’s got no more ammo, but someone else does.
Now it’s Penny’s turn to attack. However, Melissa’s description of Penny has crazy and obsessive makes her statement less believable. As does Penny’s vacant eyes, plaits of fake platinum hair, and stringy shimmer dress. Penny’s garb does not suggest “this 40 something woman is totally trustworthy and stable.” Penny also happens to be the cousin of the man who accused Melissa of being a stripper. So that’s shady. Melissa, who has never met Penny, calls out Penny for talking shit. Penny admits that she said those accusations, but says she was confronted with certain questions and simply answered them honestly. Teresa begins to but in aggressively, and with a really creepy fake smile, making Penny repeat that she and Teresa had only met once and therefore could not possibly be in cahoots.
Teresa doesn’t give a fuck about Melissa’s reputation or current argument. All Teresa cares about is, as usual, Teresa. For some reason she feels Penny has totally released her of responsibility, and now assumes the attitude of a deeply slighted but kindly forgiving woman. Teresa butting in to make the conversation about her, and her innocence, isn’t just self absorbed- it’s questionable. It seems like every time Melissa tries to get a straight answer out of Penny about who pried her for info, Teresa buts in. Penny is sticking to her story, but not telling the whole story.
Penny: I should say who but I won’t. I’d rather take the blame because that’s just the kind of person I am.
Melissa: Well then it sounds like you’re being used and abused honey, and I’m not being rude.
Oh. SNAP. +30 to Melissa for smacking that bitch up. Penny is clearly holding back, but Melissa sees that Penny isn’t going to say anymore so she is faced with a choice: either keep fighting and risk escalation for no real purpose, or just move on. And Melissa, miraculously, decides to move on. Melissa tells Penny that she’s very happy, to please stay out of her life, and to enjoy the party. By ending the debate with Penny, Melissa effectively boots Penny out of the spotlight and her accusations with her. By not getting nasty on TV, Melissa avoids any more nastiness being thrown at her. Now she can control the story, and her story is that Penny is a crazy liar out to mess with Melissa. No matter what Penny or Jan say about Melissa’s marriage, Joe was standing right behind her the entire time, and their marriage does seem happy. People can say what they want but ultimately truth is shown through actions, not words.
Melissa taught us all a valuable lesson tonight. By treating people who spread rumors about you as crazy and meaningless, you effectively render those people crazy and meaningless.
Whoa.
