“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.07): Who let the beards out?


Maura confirms our suspicions officially in the autopsy room, saying his ass is way too flabby to have been a runner. Jane implores her not to talk about his butt and I agree. Instead she talks about what really matters – losing her car. Maura suggests it’s a form of adult romantic teasing from Suave. Jane calls her ridiculous and I agree. He took Frost’s car, too. Does that mean he’s bi? Jane’s head is starting to hurt from all the confusing sexual fluidity.


What Jane really needs instead is a car. Jane says other detectives have quit over similar slights. Maura goes all Ghost Whisperer and leans down to talk to the deceased. She says he said she’s a great detective and to find out who killed him. It’s endearing in a slightly morbid way, which is kind of Maura in a nutshell.

Jane submits to the cuteness, because how could she not. And then she banishes the idea of an early retirement. Just when she thought she was out, Maura pulls her back in. Though, come on, who are we kidding? Jane wasn’t going anywhere without Maura. Ever. Just look at that face. How could she?


But now Jane wants to pretend that she’s totally not Maura’s whipped puppy so she Skypes Lt. Col. Beard Force. Blah blah, blabbity blah blah blah. Forced laughter. Strained smiles. Awkward flirting. Jane says they should meet half way between Boston and Afghanistan. Hey, isn’t this Shark Week? Yeah, Casey, go swim out into the middle of the Atlantic. And since you’re a “gentleman” and everything you should definitely go first. Quick, who has the chum?

Lt. Suave walks in because one beard is never enough. He asks if that’s the “famous” Casey. And by “famous” he means “imaginary.” Also I’d like to note that Suave is pouring honey from a bear’s head into his tea during this entire conversation. This actually makes me like him more. Gay ladies love them some nice honey sweetened tea.


The detectives are trying to find any leads in the case, but what they find instead is a naughty picture apparently sent to the teacher by one of his female students. The message says, “Give me an A and I’ll give you some of this.” Wait, hold on, hold everything. Am I supposed to believe that a teenager today is using email? Because Millennials know to SnapChat that business.

Jane says they’ll have to interview the student, but that proves to be problematic because she’s been in a coma for 10 days after overdosing on some prescription pills. Jane goes with Maura to talk with her parents in the hospital. But not before Frost scolds her for not keeping her ankle elevated. Maura has trained the whole homicide squad well. Take care of Jane, or else.


Back at the Dirty Robber, Jane and Maura are discussing the case when they notice some dudebros secretly rating women as they walk in the door. How precious, sexism. What fun. Jane says they should give them a “thrill” and the ladies offer up their own ratings. Clearly, those scores are for each other. Because those guys are 4s, and that is being very generous.


Lt. Suave walks up and asks for his rating. On a Kinsey Scale? He hands Jane some keys and says she can use this car for police business. How terribly sweet. He impounded her mother’s car so she can drive it for official business. I hope he’s also paying her impound fee.

He then invades Jane’s personal space and says he’d buy her a drink but thinks she’d better take her ankle home and let Maura massage it gently. Well, that’s what I heard. Maura leans in and says, “That, my friend, is chemistry.” Again, clearly, she’s talking about herself. Because that was kind of skeezy. Jane agrees and says “that” can never happen again. I’ll drink to that.


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