“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.07): Who let the beards out?


Maura, feeling the green monster creep over her, says pointedly that she finds it interesting that their “relationship” heated up the second he boarded a plane and flew to Afghanistan. It’s so much easier to pretend you care with 6,000 miles between you and having to touch any icky boy parts.

Maura says it’d be nice to have a button you could press to have men appear when you wanted them. Which, in turn, implies that said button could also make men disappear when you didn’t want them. Need some beefy dudes to carry in your new refrigerator? Push the button. Want to pretend you butched it up and brought the fridge in yourself when your lesbian besties drop by? Push the button again and, poof, you’re a stud. What, that’s how I’d use it.


Jane confesses she got eeked out because Beard Force was acting all domestic and not understanding the Beard part of his title. Maura decides to twist the knife in a little deeper and tells Jane she could always go for Lt. Suave instead. And if Jane doesn’t, she might. Yes, by all means, add an overly confident detective who is reckless with other people’s lives to your already stellar list of past “boyfriends.” Anyone with such terrible taste in men must be doing it on purpose.

Jane is totally unfazed by Maura’s baiting. Instead she’s thinking about why Det. Suave was all obsessed with her car. Back up, is he going to take Jane’s police-issue ride? One does not simply walk up and take Det. Jane Rizzoli’s car. Especially now that she’s hobbled. Jane asks Maura to have Senior Criminalist Susie Chang to fetch her some matching crutches. And then when she’s sure Maura is gone, let’s out an even more pathetic, “Mommy, mommy, mommy” about her ankle. Butch up until the femme is gone, am I right, ladies?


But, really, no one needs the façade because Mama Rizzoli busts any hardcore myths we have about one Det. Jane Rizzoli by bringing two plates of bunny pancakes to their table. Maura is visibly thrilled with her cute breakfast fare because she’s just that kind of unicorn. Mama R jokes about her little tomboy’s penchant for clumsiness.

Korsak comes up on the scene and asks what happened. Jane says boot is the new black since her and Maura already finished Orange Is the New Black the weekend it came out while snuggling on the couch. She tries to pass off her injury as the result of wrestling bulls and/or chasing a bad guy. Korsak says he’ll just tell people she was sword fighting. There’s a really dirty joke in there, but this is a classy establishment and I don’t want the bunny pancakes to hear.


Lt. Suave shows up and starts to sweet talk Mama R. Maura tells Jane ignoring her is a sign that he likes her. What is this, first grade? Stop being so obvious about not understanding boys, ladies. Just then Lt. Suave walks up to them and proves me right. He asks for Jane’s car keys. Yeah, you always take the work car of the woman you like right after she’s injured herself so severely she can’t walk. That’s just basic romance, son.


Mama R offers her her car, but Jane tells her detectives can’t take personal cars for work. But they have taken Maura’s personal Prius for work in the past. I’m guessing this is because it has a surprisingly roomy backseat, which is totally worth bending the rules for. Ahem.

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