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“Mistresses” recap (1.09): Ladies Who Lunch

Previously on Mistresses, Savi decided to ditch the boys for the baby, April decided to send her zombie ex-husband packing, Joss decided to commit to Alex, and Karen decided she was on a mission to get axe-murdered.

We open on a beach, where a teeny tiny Savannah and Josslyn sit in the sand in their awesomely ’80s attire. Their mom is swimming topless in the water, hollering for attention, going further than she probably should. Mini Savi assures Mini Joss that she’s only doing it to get the lifeguard’s attention, and that she’ll be okay. They both sit and wait for the lifeguard’s whistle, but when they hear it, it’s actually just present-day Savi’s phone ringing, waking her from her dream.

The call was Karen, who has decided to call an emergency mistresshood meeting to talk about her interaction with the now-revealed-to-be-psychotic wife of her dead ex-patient-lover. Karen is panicking because maybe now there are even more lies swirling around her sordid life. Savi tells Karen that she needs to just walk away from all of it, to let it go. So you know she won’t.

At Casa Davis, Harry is packing up some of his things from the kitchen when in walks a fun and fancy-free woman who is all smiles. Mama Janet says she just dropped in for a surprise visit to her daughters and asks where Harry is taking his kitchen equipment and why he looks like a dog who has been kicked one too many times. He tells her that he has moved out, but that Savi should probably one to fill her in on the rest. At April’s store, Hot Dad skips in to jauntily recount his conversation with his daughter about him and April dating. He can tell from the look on April’s face that she has yet to tell Lucy. She says she has had a crazy week, but fails to mention that it’s not just the standard single-mom crazy, but more along the lines of soap opera crazy. While this conversation is going on, Zombie Paul is lurking outside, as zombies are wont to do.

At work, Savi is watching a fetus video that is talking about webbed fingers and toes, and her and I make the same ew-face at it, because in-utero fetii look like tiny alien blobs. Dom interrupts this miracle of life viewing and she tells him that Harry has moved out. Before Dom can fully process this information, Harry calls Savi, and Dom slinks out. Harry gives her the heads up on her mom’s arrival and how much she knows. He then not-so-smoothly transitions into talking about the paternity test results, and when she lies and says she didn’t get them yet, he hangs up on her.

Meanwhile, Karen is still trying to be on Pretty Little Liars, but with even worse decision making skills and zero Spencer Hastings. April gives her more good advice, which is to just move on and focus on the positive, which means Karen is DEFINITELY not going to do that.

Mama Janet drops by Joss’s office to surprise her youngest daughter. Joss is happy to see her, because her life has gone to crap and she could really use a mom right now. She spills all her problems, adding that the one good thing she has going on is that she’s dating someone, and that it’s a girl. Mama Janet takes it all in stride and takes her “homeless lesbian with a crappy job” of a daughter to lunch. Joss stops by the firm to convince Savi to come for lunch but Savi throws some bitch-sass at her. Joss thinks Mama has news, and Savi rolls her eyes at the idea of another step-dad. Joss says she’d love to hear about the baby, Savi snaps that there’s no way she’s telling her that. And so on. Still, Joss persists and Savi finally gives in and comes to lunch.

At the Lady Carver Lunch, Joss fills her mom in on her new girlfriend. Joss literally swoons over Alex and regretfully mentions that she is Out of Town. When Mama says maybe she can meet her next time, Savi hurrumphs and Joss insists that they could still be together next time. Mama Janet uses this as a transition to break her news – she has a one-way ticket to Brazil (which apparently came with a little Brazilian flag). Savi looks confused and a little upset, but Joss immediately starts planning a going away party.

April is sitting on Hot Dad’s porch, in a baseball shirt, holding a bottle of white wine. Normally I don’t condone lingering on porches in the dark, but if I ever came home to that, I’d probably propose on the spot. April tells Hot Dad that she told Lucy, then invites Hot Dad to the going away party, that way she can meet her friends. She says she wants his trust back, and he says, “I’m sorry, were you speaking? I have a hard time focusing on anything but your magic golden eyes of perfection.” (Or something.)

At Casa Davis, Savi is doing work when her mom comes with a glass of wine for her. Savi conveniently uses the work she needs to do as an excuse to not drink, and her mom says she certainly didn’t get the responsibility gene from her or her father. This mention of her father reveals that her father split after Mama Janet had an affair and got pregnant with Joss. And suddenly Savi makes a little more sense.

Mama Janet asks Savi why she isn’t fighting for Harry, because she’s never not fought for anything. Savi can’t bring herself to confess everything to her mom, so she just says goodnight.

Zombie Paul decides the best way to get to April is through her friends, starting with the weakest link, so he shows up at Karen’s door. He tells her that he’s not leaving LA until he can talk to her again, but he noticed that April seems to have a new person in her life. Karen tells him Hot Dad’s name and social security number because she’s a genius. He even tells her that she was the most reasonable one in the group, which means either a lot has changed in the last three years, or being dead really rotted Paul’s brain.

At the Brazilian-themed going away party, Janet is flirting with the hot young bartender when Joss sidles up to chat with her Mama. She offers to come stay with her in Brazil for a few weeks, to help her get settled, spend some quality time together, etc. Mama Janet says that sounds lovely, and Joss gets all kinds of excited. Reasonable Karen reasonably thinks the most reasonable time to tell April that Paul is still in town is while a party where April’s daughter, boyfriend, and boyfriend’s daughter are in attendance is in full-swing. Sounds reasonable. Predictably, April is pissed that Zombie Paul is not only still in town, but talking to her friends.

At the law firm, Dom is meeting with the wife of Karen’s dead ex-lover to tell her that she lost her settlement because of Karen’s notes. Almost immediately upon picking up the notes, she notices a discrepancy and proves Karen’s notes were forged. She plays the role of tattered widow well, but as soon as Dom runs off to get more information, a wicked grin spreads across her evil face.

Harry shows up at the party to say goodbye to Janet and says maybe she should tell her mom she’s prego, but Savi points out that it wouldn’t make a difference anyway, she’d be gone to Rio now or two weeks after the baby was born either way. As the party comes to a close, Janet makes things awkward for everyone by accusing Harry of cheating. She finally figures out, from the pained looks and uncomfortable silence, that it was Savi who cheated. Savi runs out and Janet follows, apologizing and saying that she would never judge her. At her breaking point, Savi basically accuses Janet of being a neglectful mother. She reminds her of Joss’s 7th birthday, when Janet was in Cavo. Savi was 15, and she knew her sister’s birthday would go forgotten, so she bought Joss the necklace she still has to this day. Mama Janet legitimately didn’t remember that it wasn’t her that gave Joss the necklace, that’s how good Savi was at covering for her. Mama Janet says she did her best, but Savi returns a look that says maybe her best wasn’t enough.

The real kicker? Joss overheard everything.

Home alone, April answers her door to find Zombie Paul once again. This time, he demands to see Lucy. Seriously, April, get Savi to call Ella in Rosewood so they can reveal their true identities as the Halliwell sisters and vanquish this demon for you. Instead, she decides to tell Hot Dad about Zombie Paul’s reanimation next time he comes over.

Morning brings Savi and Janet back together in the kitchen. Mama Janet tells her oldest daughter that she’s her own person, showing few qualities of either of her parents. She raised herself, she’s strong; Mama Janet is in awe of her. She also says that she thinks Savi will make an amazing mother, not realizing that it’s actually all Savi needed to hear.

Karen, in her most recent attempt to get herself murdered, decided to add a sketchy private investigator to the mix. Unfortunately, he can’t tell if the widowed psychopath is actually capable of murder, so there’s no way to know if she actually killed her husband. He says he should just ask her, because Karen seems capable of cutting through people’s crap, but it turns out the wife is better at that, because by the end of the day, Karen is served in the case of the wrongful death of her dead ex-patient/lover.

In Savi’s kitchen, Joss has a big adorable hat on while waiting for Mama Janet to pick her up. Savi comes by to see her off, and it was lucky she was there, because Mama Janet called to shatter Joss’s poor little heart. Joss does a wonderful job of hiding the fact that she’s on the verge of tears while she wishes her mom safe travels, but her face is absolutely broken when she hangs up, because unlike Savi, Joss has a world of chances for her mother, and really believed this time would be different.

Joss takes Savi’s hands and tells her that she finally understands why she’s always been so hard on her, because she was actually parenting her. They hug and it seems their sister feud is finally over. As a sign of good faith, Savi gives her the paternity test to Joss to hold onto until the baby is born and it becomes legally necessary. She says there’s no one else in the world that she trusts more than her baby sister. What did you think of “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner”? Alex wasn’t in the preview for the next episode, but I’m hoping she’s back soon. Mistresses isn’t new until August 19th, but I’ll be checking here in the comments, as well as the #HomoWrecker tag on Twitter, so we can talk about our hopes and predictions for the final four episodes.

Speaking of the #HomoWrecker tag, here are some of our favorite tweets this week:

                 

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