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“Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.9): A New Hope

Welcome to the Haunted Stress Relief Retreat!

Sitting Room

Dr. V, Teresa, And Joe Gorga sit on plush couches and rehash their many, many issues. Tears flow freely from the orange tinted lids of both siblings: crocodile tears from Teresa (who really does resemble a crocodile with that leathered skin) and just a shit ton of tears from Joe Gorga, who possesses all the sensitivity of a pubescent poetess.

Dr. V, that buxom blonde from the sunny slopes of SoCal, suggests Teresa and Joe should spend more time alone. Teresa rejects the suggestion: “I don’t want it to be just us,” the woman whines, “I love Melissa.” Hmm. Does she really? Does Teresa feel love for anyone other than herself and maybe that gilded night of a husband Juicy J? Maybe in love in a different sense, a love expressed through ceaseless torment.

Dining Room

YiaYia Caroline has arrive to save the day with down home sensibility and ginger hued locks. Caroline looks skeptical, as Caroline is wont to look. She is ready to shut shit down and call a hoe out. The first hoe Caroline encounters is Melissa, who takes the Teresa strategy of grabbing any new addition to the group and rapidly explaining why she is right and Teresa is wrong. To be fair to Melissa, Teresa is pretty much always wrong. When Melissa recaps her extravagant “begging for mercy on bended knee” story, Caroline looks nonplussed. “It was over the top,” she barks with the roll of an eye and dismissive flick of the wrist. Caroline is far too world weary for such nonsense. “Everybody’s hands are dirty” she states.

Dr. V comes down, resplendent in cashmere and peroxide. She summons Melissa to the lair of crocodile tears and feelingz.

Sitting Room

Now that Melissa has arrived, Teresa is ready to confess her deep, unwavering love for Melissa and heartfelt regret that Melissa does not appreciate that sisterly adoration.

Teresa: “From the beginning I wanted Melissa to be my sister, but after they got married she rejected me.” Hmmm. An interesting statement. Could all of Teresa’s malevolent trickery have come from a place of rejection? Did sexxxxy Melissa reject her, only to play the victim when the Empire of Giudice struck back? It’s not impossible. Melissa: “The problem is Teresa didn’t accept me from day 1.” Teresa: “So you’ve never tweeted anything mean about me then??” Dr. V: “Get the fuck off Twitter.”

For real. +5 to Dr. Va Jay Jay..
Melissa: “Teresa told Joe that I married him for money, and that I would leave him for a richer man… [When rumors about Melissa start] Teresa is sitting next to Kim D, and everyone else who starts these rumors about me.”
This is not wrong. Teresa may not start rumors about Melissa, but she finds the people who do start them and makes sure everyone knows what they have to say. When you lay with pigs you’re going to smell like shit and whatnot.
Dr. V: “Teresa, you should know if you’re sitting next to someone saying those things and don’t do anything about it, you’re a dumbass. Take responsibility.”
Damn. That is some truth, because a. Teresa is a dumbass and b. Teresa never takes responsibility for the mistakes she makes, much less the cruelty of others.

And then, in the light of Dr. V’s glassy eyes, something incredible happens. Something unprecedented. Something surreal. Teresa takes responsibility. “Yes,” she admits,”I have done things to hurt you.” The siblings agree to meet halfway, and at Dr. V’s prodding Teresa envelops Melissa in a surprisingly warm hug. Melissa looks miserable, but Teresa beams and for a moment a trace of that bubbly warmth that charmed America in Season 1 shows through. Could this be a turning point? Could Teresa, after much digging, have found a shard left of her pre-fame soul?

Next, Juicy J is summoned. Dr. V prods him and Joe Gorga to talk about the fight from the night before. It’s time for the stout Italian men to make peace(ish). Joe Gorga looks sad; Juicy J looks indifferent. “Please just play along” begs Dr. V, unwilling to accept Juicy J’s studied disinterest. Juicy J don’t play but manages to utter “If I gotta apologize, I might as well apologize now because I can’t sit here for much longer” and gives Joe and Melissa two polite hugs. What a heartfelt apology. “Sorry I betrayed you. Get over it.” A great charmer that Juicy J. Teresa is instantly with visible joy at hearing such an eloquent peacemaking attempt by her cyst-like hubby.

Yard

Rosie isn’t wearing a pageboy hat and looks like a less-dashing Rachel Maddow. Yay for style progress! RoRo, Rich, And Kathy watch Dr. V leave with mixed emotion; Rich and Rosie ogle her tits while a butt hurt Kathy complains about not getting a shot and therapy with Dr. V. “I wanted to address certain issues, but I guess I’m not that important” Kathy remarks bitterly. And so Dr. V flees to the west with her furs, satisfied by yet another job well done.

Dining Room

All the women (except for lesbian spinster Rosie) sit around the table and discuss the day’s events. Kathy, clearly desperate for attention, apologizes once again for insulting Teresa’s God-like father. Then she fumes about Teresa insulting HER father. In yet another surprising twist, Teresa apologizes to Kathy. And all is well! For now.

Patio

“We gotta find a liquor store because this shit ain’t cutting it for me” Rosie says, cupping a half empty glass of single malt scotch whiskey. I have never found Rosie more attractive. A girl who can day drink is a girl who can get it. Rosie and the boys load into an enormous black SUV and tramp off to go ice fishing (while drinking). They will literally be on thin ice.

Kitchen

Teresa pours roughly ½ cup of vodka in each woman’s glass and the Italians commence cooking a homemade feast. Melissa dips out early: “I’m done with cooking, I’m going to burn my eyelashes.” I love that Melissa doesn’t even fake giving a damn about cooking. “Do you guys want to get drunk tonight?” she asks, her eyes lighting up. Well we know Melissa wants to get drunk tonight.

Frozen Lake

Rich starts shit like the gremlin he is by asking “Who do you think won the fight yesterday?”

Fortunately Juicy J and Joe Gorga show surprising tact by avoiding the question.

Juicy J: “It’s over, it’s done.” Joe Gorga: “I wasn’t even fighting, I was just grabbing for his balls but couldn’t find them.”
Oh-em-gee Juicy J was telling the truth last week, Joe Gorga is a ball-grabber! The two Joes exchange insults, both insisting they won. Gorga takes it to the next level.
Joe Gorga: “When your dick’s the size of two inches, get upset.” Juicy J: “You wanna start crying again?”
Ha. +5 for Juicy J.

Fortunately RoRo is there to cool them down, and the men start to make fun of her looks. Ugh. Just because a girl is a lesbian who doesn’t conform to hetero-normative standards of beauty doesn’t mean it’s cool to insult her looks. Rich leads the mocking, because Rich is a c-nt. Unable to catch a single fish, the boys (and lesbian spinster Rosie) give up and tramp back to their women and booze at the Haunted Stress Relief Mansion.

Kitchen

Melissa is straight up chugging from a bottle of Grey Goose. God, I want a drink and it’s only 9 am. Frick. Melissa babbles incoherently to the ladies because homegirl got a buzz.
Melissa: “We should have some cocktails while we drink. My job is to make sure you have cocktails.”
Christ she sounds like me. Maybe Melissa, Rosie, and I should kick it. We can dine on the cocktail olives and vodka. It’ll be grand. While literally shoving alcohol-laden straw’s in the women of her family’s mouth, Melissa announces “After all the drama from the other night I think we all deserve a cocktail… Or four… Seven… 8.”

That’s the most interesting thing Melissa has ever said. The girl clearly wants to get drunk. Plus 7 to Melissa for not being afraid to chug vodka on national television. She’s a little troublemaker, that one. I suspect Melissa never really accepted Teresa’s apology sp she’s acting out like a petulant child. Or she’s just sick of these fuckers and wants to get fucked up.

I can dig it.

The menfolk return with not fish. Tottering around, Melissa pours them each a vat of vodka with a splash of orange juice. Mmm. Looking way too good for a Monday morning. RoRo insn’t wearing a hideous hat (PROGRESS) and looks very dapper as a butch in blue. Under Melissa’s slurred command, the gang samples different flavors of vodka.

Rosie: “I wanna try the peach first.” Melissa: “Yeah cause you want a nice juicy peach.”
What can’t tacky straight people use as a euphemism for vagina? Kathy and Teresa serve up a scrumptious looking Italian meal. Preening under the attention and Teresa’s approval, Kathy comments “I don’t drink while I’m cooking because I want to make sure everything’s right.” Ew, backhanded much Kathy? The resemblance between Kathy and her cousin Teresa has never been more obvious. Also, Melissa was never even trying to cook. She was trying to get drunk, and succeeded wildly. Drunk Melissa ain’t havin’ none of that sass.
Melissa: “Ew. Buzzkill. Stop talking.”

I love drunk Melissa.

Melissa continues: “The thing about Kathy is I wanna have her analyzed. You know those quiet girls in High School?” Melissa pauses for effect, then bellows in a sing song tone “Whores, Whores, Whoresss.”

The gang toasts to family and friendship.

Perhaps feeling sentimental (or just at that great happy drunk state), Joe tells everyone that since he thought Jacqueline and Chris were coming, he brought a bottle of wine that they had made together. Since they didn’t come, he asks Caroline to give it to them. Awwww. Juicy J misses his friend!

Living Room

After dinner a wasted crowd descends into the Haunted Stress Relief Mansion living room for fun, games, and more drinking. Rosie the Riveter convinces them to play another trust game, because that went so well the first time. They do trust falls, and Rosie goes first by falling into Rich. He takes the opportunity to grab and massage her tits. What the fuck? Rich best be getting slapped soon. Grabbing your lesbian sister-in-laws’ tits is just creepy and weird. Gross. Rosie is a good sport about the tit massage but still. Icky.

Melissa is tipping over in five inch stilettos after half a bottle of vodka. Everyone is drunk and they are the happiest and friendliest I’ve ever seen them. Alcohol really does fix everything. Juicy J trust falls on Melissa, who immediately collapses under the vast density of his girth. When Teresa asks Caroline to do a trust fall, the every crafty Caroline has one condition: if Teresa wants to do a trust fall with Caroline, she has to promise to eventually do one with her former BFF/current nemesis Caroline. After whining a bit about how hard it will be to forgive Jacqueline, Teresa agrees.

Sitting Room

Like Melissa, night is falling. Juicy J and Teresa sit, discussing the day’s events. In a surprising show of wisdom and maturity, Juicy J urges Teresa to repair her friendship with Jacqueline. This is strange because up till now Joe was all like “fuck ’em.”

Juicy J: “Buildings get knocked down, you gotta build them up again.”
The building is a metaphor for Teresa’s friendship with Jacqueline. God I love a good construction metaphor. Teresa cries at the hardship that comes from forgiveness. Joe tears up because he is drunk and married to Teresa.

And so the episode ends the same way it begun: orange tinted tears, and the promise of new hope on the New Jersey horizon.

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