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“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.13): Can’t Fix Crazy

Chapel!

Sophia and Sister Ingalls are running auditions for the Christmas Pageant, but they are having artistic differences. Sister Ingalls does not recall a juggler in the Nativity Scene. That’s the problem with those abridged editions of the New Testament. Sister Ingalls probably doesn’t even know about the sword swallower, the carpet cleaner, and She Who Can Solve Rubik’s Cubes Really Fast.

The Chaplain says the show can either be a collaboration that Sophia and the Sister create, or the Chaplain can take over and make it zoning-regulations boring. The Sister and Sophia say they’ll make it work.

Murphy can moonwalk! Sort of. Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) starts to tell a joke. I think Chang is dancing? God, this must have been so fun to shoot. Doggett’s minion makes animal noises. Morello sings in such a marvelously terrible falsetto that I really think she should get in. Big Boo jazzcats a carol. Yoga Jones has a more simple interpretation, but could perhaps use a little flair? Cindy beatboxes “Jingle Bells.” I kinda like it. The Goth Latina Twins have created an original interpretive dance. DeMarco (Remember her?) does kind of a lounge jazz version of “Jingle Bells” and it ain’t half bad. Hey, Taystee can sing! And, oh, joy, Crazy Eyes dances. I really thought she’d do a classical monologue, but she’s going for it. Crazy Eyes contains multitudes.

We run through the end of some of the auditions — really, they are all marvelous — and then we learn that Crazy Eyes was actually ice skating. Are we agreed that we’re all fond of Crazy Eyes now? Because awesome. Nichols finishes a joke, and it’s the punchline to the same inappropriate joke that Red used on the mean glamour ladies back in Episode 2. Well played, show. Ingalls doesn’t get it. Sophia giggles, and the Chaplain laughs her ass off.

Doggett preaches. She would like to play an angel. And she notes that she has already played farm animals twice and now this is her time.

Hallway!

Chapman buttonholes Healy. She wants a marriage request form. Healy corrects that she doesn’t just need a form; she needs a form and his approval, and she can go fuck herself. So it looks like Chapman has accepted Larry’s proposal/panic ultimatum. I know this show has been setting this whole thing up as a choice between Alex and Larry, but I wish Chapman would think about option 3: Neither. Maybe be alone for a while and do a little soul-searching? Maybe she should give Nichols a second look? Well, unless Nichols and Morello get back together. I’d never want to stand in the way of that.

Kitchen!

Caputo wants Red out of the kitchen effective immediately. Red isn’t budging — without produce, she’s got a hell of a lot of Christmas dinner to re-plan. Silent Norma listens to Caputo threaten Red.

O’Neill brings Mendoza in. Mendoza has been reassigned to the kitchen as head cook. (Wait, Norma and Murphy don’t get to move up?) Mendoza immediately asks if she can bring in her own people. Dang, did someone just open all the freezer doors? Red says this place is going to fall apart without her.

Office!

Figueroa is trying to make her smile not look evil as she talks to Bennett. He tries to explain his drug bust. Bennett, the King of Planning, tells her that he searched the produce boxes before they ever got on to the prison grounds or into the kitchen. Oh, Bennett. Figueroa explains that since he found the drugs off prison grounds, he has not, in fact, found drugs on the prison grounds. Which makes him the one who brought them on. Figueroa tells Bennett that she knows he’s one of the good guys. And that she would hate to see him get into trouble by filling out a report on his mishandled drug bust. And how would he like a little raise?

Chez Bloom!

Larry announces that he and Chapman are getting married right away, while she’s still inside. Ma and Pa Bennett are not thrilled. Pa Bennett says maybe Piper will be different (or dead) when she gets out, and Ma Bennett suggests Larry might meet someone in the meantime. Just in case you think things only get frosty in prison. Ma Bennett is not into the bisexuality or the history of drug running. (Boo, Ma Bennett, and yay, Ma Bennett.) Pa Bennett thinks Larry just wants Chapman because she’s exotic and exciting. Does she make him feel good about himself? (Hey, Pa Bennet, could you talk to Chapman about Alex?)

Ma and Pa Bennett want to know was the rush is. What, does Larry think she might meet someone else?

Library!

Someone Else herself walks in to find Chapman and have a Big Future Talk. Chapman announces her impending marriage. Again. Dating Chapman must be exhausting.

Chapman elaborates that she picks Larry. She loves Alex too, but doesn’t have the courage to “freefall through life” with her.

Alex announces the new breakup rules: No running to her with love, sadness, needs, problems, or even nonstandard laundry ever again. Chapman watches Alex go.

Parking lot!

Mustache is there to get his paycheck. He asks Bennett how “his girl” is doing. Oh, no. Mustache thinks he’s found the perfect woman: Sexy, but could still be a mom. He’s imagining family-type scenarios and true love. How’s your day going, Bennett?

Mustache asks for more info on Diaz takes off without getting his paycheck. The hell? Dining hall!

Doggett and clan are eating. Doggett can’t concentrate on learning her Pageant lines because Chapman is still alive. She’s also received some Divine Guidance that tells her murdering Chapman is totes OK! Even holy!

We learn that Doggett’s minion is named Leanne, and that she was a Girl Scout, and that she is on probation for doubting last episode. Doggett openly plots to murder Chapman. The others don’t seem enthused, but they sure aren’t reporting anything.

Doggett notes that the eggs are really spicy.

Nichols (Hiiii, Nichols!) is working up a Secret Santa list with Boo and Morello. Alex is definitely in. Chapman, maybe not. Boo says Chapman and Alex aren’t really family. Morello says it would be nice to add them in, now that Mercy and Tricia are gone. After a moment of sad, they’re in.

Boo wants Morello’s eggs, but Morello isn’t sharing — the eggs are amazing. Nichols demands they report that breakfast was a mess out of loyalty to Red. Yeah, but can they still get those eggs when she comes back?

Figueroa’s office!

Figueroa would like to discuss Larry’s radio appearance. Specifically, the facts she thinks Larry got wrong. She hands Chapman a list of corrections for any future radio appearances. Chapman takes the opportunity to drive a shiv straight into Healy’s back. She mentions the trouble Healy caused her with his “misinformation,” and asks for the marriage request form and an approval from Figueroa. Then she’ll be happy to pass those corrections right along.

Kitchen!

Diaz says making tamales together feels like Christmas. The new kitchen team compares pervy family members and razz Diaz for not speaking Spanish.

Nichols shouts “Immigration!” as a joke as she walks in. Just in case you thought you could stop being uncomfortable for 10 minutes. Nichols is looking for Murphy and Norma, who have been busted down to unloading boxes. She has them pick for Secret Santa. Murphy tells Nichols that Red won’t leave her cube and is in a very bad way.

CO office!

The guards are reading the prisoners’ mail. Diaz got a hot, naked letter signed by “Hot 4 U.” Oh, dear. O’Neill expositions that so far Mustache just has a suspension. Bell predicts that Diaz is getting transferred and Mustache will be back.

Whoa! Alex got a letter from Larry. He wants to be on her visitation list. The guards are happily scandalized; they totally know about Alex and Chapman. Well, not the breakup part.

Dorms!

Red doesn’t want to be a part of Secret Santa this year. She asks about breakfast. Nichols gives a tough review, but doesn’t call it a disaster like Red hopes. Red’s upset, but Nichols says she’s “tougher than woodpecker lips” and will come around. Nichols hands a Secret Santa slip to Red, but she’s still clearly worried about her.

Night count!

Hey, Taystee is Chapman’s new bunkmate! And she already knows about the breakup with Alex. Taystee would like to know if Alex is mad enough to leave a dead rat on Chapman’s locker, on account of there is one. There is also a note under it. Taystee hilariously critiques the note’s grammar as she reads it.

The note says (incorrectly) that Chapman is going to die, and calls her an “Amalekite.” Taystee calls Black Cindy, who has a lot of churching, over for clarification. Cindy says they were a really evil warrior tribe from the Old Testament, so bad that God told Saul they had to be exterminated — even their farm animals.

Chapman plans to tell the COs because this nonsense is cray, but Taystee and Cindy say the COs will just avoid trouble by putting her away for her own safety. Cindy says Chapman has to take care of it herself and kill Doggett.

Red is talking to Murphy and Norma — apparently Mendoza is making such tasty breakfasts because she’s cheerfully burning through inventory that has to last them for a long time. Or at least that’s Red’s theory. Red asks Norma and Murphy to speed up the process, overcook, and over-salt, but they’re on the B Team now and can’t help with that. Red tells them to launch a work slowdown and screw up the serving times. Red demands that they mess with the kitchen.

Kitchen!

Mendoza warns Norma and Murphy against messing with the kitchen. She’s got four kids and can spot mischief. Mendoza knows that kitchen staff is one of the better jobs — Norma and Murphy can be good, or they can be out on their butts. She advises them not to let Red take them down with her. Poor ladies.

Dining hall!

Chapman is in such deep denial she needs scuba gear. She theorizes that maybe Doggett is just trying to “engage with her.” You know, make an intellectual connection and get her to go to Bible study. Watson, Pousséy, Cindy, and Taystee all disagree. They give Chapman fighting tips, largely based on opening shots to the ladybits and then lots of pummelling. To each her kung fu style.

Chapman still thinks she can come up with a creative solution. What does Doggett really need? The whole table shouts “New teeth!”

Bennett catches Diaz while she’s cleaning up and breaks the news that Mustache is completely in love with her. Which leads Bennett to believe that the sex must have been pretty great. He says he can barely look at Diaz.

Oh, the tangled webs the Planning Twins are weaving. Diaz suggests getting a paternity test to prove the baby doesn’t belong to Mustache and then having Cesar pick it up from the hospital (Remember awesome, drug-dealing Cesar? The one who slept with both mother and daughter?) and bring it to Bennett. Bennett declares that the whole plan was a bad idea (He’s learning!) and says he can’t do this.

Chapel!

Morello won’t say who her Secret Santa giftee is. Boo has figured it out pretty easily, since Morello has been asking Boo about her favorite color and whether her feet get cold. Do not crush Morello’s childlike joy, Boo, or we will have words. Oh, too late. Morello shouts that she is definitely not going to be making Boo something magenta to keep her feet warm and flounces out.

Boo begs Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) to start banging Morello again. Nichols says you only get one chance to break her heart. Throw pillow! She also suggests that Alex remember that piece of information. Hmm… Nichols says she has mastered the art of shutting people off. Alex, not so much. Nichols suggests a prayer for Chapman’s future unattractiveness. Done.

Sophia shows Sister Ingalls a Christmas card from her son. Michael still won’t talk to her, but he did sign and send the card. It’s something.

Crazy Eyes asks if the Sister is sure about the part she’s been cast in. Yes! They believe in her and her resonant voice. Crazy Eyes has renewed confidence and says she will just put the past behind her. No way “that” could happen again. Sophia and Sister Ingalls exchange worried looks while I try to wrangle front-row seats for this thing.

Visiting Room!

Larry is here to see Alex. He remarks on the fact that she’s tall. Good start, Larry! Larry awkwards for a moment while all the feelings about seeing his wife’s lesbian lover percolate up, and then Alex sarcasms him into anger. He asks how many times she’ll be ruining Chapman’s life and demands that she end it. Alex says no problem, Chapman is all his. Larry doesn’t believe Alex will let go so easily after “working over” Chapman for so long… So Alex lets him know that Chapman was the aggressor. Whoops, looks like that was a new piece of information. Learn to let a conversation drop, Larry.

But whatever, Alex says she’s done, so enjoy the ride. Alex empathizes that Chapman is hot and way fun in bed, but warns Larry that she’s seriously messed up, and he should get clearer on that. She’s not wrong.

Bathroom!

Oh, no. Doggett’s little band of creeps are skulking through the showers. Doggett pulls Chapman’s curtain open. Pro tip: If someone is threatening to kill you, it might be a good time to start showering during peak hours. Taystee tries to come in and gets blocked by one of the creepies, but she sees that Doggett is after Chapman. Doggett has a razor blade melted into a plastic handle, just like we saw at orientation. (Thanks, Mustache!) Doggett cuts her own palm and smears the blood all over Chapman. Eeeeew.

A CO comes in and tosses out Doggett and her friends… For now. Doggett says next time she’ll get more creative.

Taystee comes back to check on Chapman. Chapman says she’s not equipped to deal and has to tell someone. Taystee tells Chapman to stop being such a bitch-ass bitch and take out tiny little Doggett, already. She also helpfully points out some blood on Chapman’s nipple that she missed.

Dorms!

Taystee sleeps. Chapman can’t. Kitchen!

Oh, Shesus, Red is breaking in during the dead of night. She pours something into the fryers, salts the rice, and pours yet another substance that looks like oil into the oven. But it can’t be oil because that’s freaking insane.

Morning kitchen!

Murphy turns on the ovens. Norma grabs spuds. Diaz and two of the other girls practice a dance routine. Bennett yells at them to get back to work. Flaca says in Spanish that Diaz needs to tell her boyfriend to lighten up. Diaz says in English that he’s not her boyfriend. That’s getting closer to being true.

Oh, no! Murphy opens the oven and gets hit with a fireball. Bennett grabs Diaz and Flaca runs over with an extinguisher. Bennett holds Diaz to protect her. Which is sweet, but for crying out loud, Bennett, Diaz is off to the side and Murphy is on fire.

Later, Luschek diagnoses a grease fire. Caputo is pissed and tells Mendoza to clean those ovens better. Mendoza knows damn well she had the ovens clean.

Bennett checks in on Diaz and gets close to being busted by Caputo. Caputo tells Bennett to get a report from the medic on Murphy’s injuries, and by the way, where the hell is their awesome drug bust report? Bennett breaks the news about Figueroa stifling the report. Caputo demands that Bennett bring the report directly to him.

Dorms!

Chapman crashes in her bunk during the daytime. Boo arrives with her Secret Santa gift. It’s the missing screwdriver! All I want for Christmas is for that screwdriver to have been thoroughly washed. Chapman hides the screwdriver in her shirt. A tearful Silent Norma confronts Red by tearing up her name. Red says she never meant to hurt anyone, especially Murphy. Norma isn’t having it. She storms away, leaving Red in tears.

Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) comes into Alex’s cube with a big travel vision board for Morello. It says “Just Married,” and Nichols is the groom in the wedding drawing. Nichols swears that part is a joke, but no one believes that. Alex is making earrings for Nichols. She admits that they suck and hopes Nichols would like something less crafty. Nichols, in turn, admits that a boy should be on the vision board for Morello.

Nichols knows what she wants for Christmas: Alex’s thigh. Alex decides to really get into the holiday spirit and puts Nichols’ hand straight into her khakis. Nichols uses the ironically named vision board to block the view of the guard. And us. Piss off, board. Alex and Nichols grin at each other.

Later!

Red sadly microwaves a noodle cup. It brings her no joy. She goes to the dining hall and the staffers starve her out. Mendoza is in control. Phones!

Chapman tells Larry that she got the marriage form and P.S. someone is trying to kill her. Way to bury the lede, Chapman. Larry responds with “Someone else is trying to kill you?” which she maybe deserves a little bit. Whoa — what she doesn’t deserve is Larry saying that she just needs the drama. He also tells her he met Alex.Chapman lies that everything Alex says is a lie. Too late. Larry uses Alex’s phrasing to say he needs to let go. Larry hangs up. Chapman is alone.

Dorms!

Chapman runs to Alex — that thing she was specifically told not to do — just as Nichols and Alex are happily recomposing themselves. Alex isn’t having it. Christmas pageant!

Nice Fischer is there in a nice sweater. Aww. That is some serious post-strangulation Yuletide spirit. Chapman ghosts in. She’s always been terrified of being alone. Time to face that fear.

Figueroa moves over to chat with Healy. She’s not real warm. She says that if Healy ever calls a family member with his lesbian witch hunt crap again she will destroy him. So at least it’s a happy holiday for some of us.

Oh, sad. Caputo gives Nice Fischer some flowers. She thanks him and introduces her handsome boyfriend. Good for you, Fischer. Time for the show!

The crowd is enthusiastic. Pousséy, Cindy and Taystee start off with some lovely harmonizing. Pousséy, instead of stopping, launches into “Amazing Grace,” and the other two go with it. Well sung, Pousséy. We watch Chapman watching for a moment.

Morello is playing the Virgin Mary. Donkey Boo catches her eye and shows off some lovely magenta socks and whispers a thank you. Morello launches into her speech — Mary isn’t feeling very well — and we see that Doggett is the angel, just like she wanted. Mama Rosa plays Joseph. She ask Mary to lie down in the straw and the crowd hoots until they’re shushed by Bell.

We’re in the final carol and Crazy Eyes steps forward for a solo and freezes. Cindy plays her intro a few times, but Crazy Eyes can’t do it. Someone starts singing her part in a clear, high voice… It’s No-Longer-Silent Norma! Aww, Crazy Eyes, starts to hit herself a little, but the chorus gets her to stop. Then they move Norma to the front to finish her solo. Chapman appears to be seeing the light. Or something. She leaves the chapel and Doggett leaves the stage to follow her.

Prison yard!

Chapman has no time for this. But it looks like she has to make time, because Doggett has a sharpened wooden cross, just like a crazy Fundamentalist meth-head vampire hunter. Healy opens the back door to the yard just as Doggett takes her first swing at Chapman. Chapman calls for help and gets nothing: Healy sees what’s happening and goes right back inside. Chapman pulls out her screwdriver, so now they’re tiny-fencing with their close-range weapons. Doggett cuts Chapman’s hand and the screwdriver hits the ground. Doggett rights the cross in her grip and calls Chapman a she-devil. Then she moves in for the kill.

Chapman kicks Doggett square in the crotch and beats the holly jolly hell out of her, just like her friends told her to. Christmas music swells, and we’re out.

Quite a series! Why can’t Season 2 be here now?!

Thanks for reading! Having you here made it feel like Christmas in July. And I’d still throw my pie for you any day of the week.

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