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“Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.8): When you gaze into an abyss

Haunted Stress Relief Mansion Ballroom

When we last left the groaning Gorgas and guttural Giudices on their stress relief retreat, the first day of team building exercises had already begun to sour. Teresa and her brother, Joe Gorga, continue to bark insults at each other until Joe Gorga snapped at called her “scum.” Teresa has never heard such a vile word, and storms out into the patio to inform her husband, Joe Giudice, of this gross insult to her honor. Sensing an opportunity for fisticuffs, Juicy J scampers inside demanding apologies and silently praying for snacks.

And just like that, the gauntlet of violence is thrown.

Seeing Juicy J advance, Gorga zooms to meet him body-to-body man-to-man gut-to-gut in one awful, primal, smack and the brothers-in-law pitch on the floor in an all out brawl. The time for words has ended. Now is a time for blood, or at the very least light bruising.

The men (who are looking positively tiny today) seem equally matched, with Gorga being a slight lead in size, youth, and fitness. Rich and Melissa slap their backs (doesn’t strike me as the most effective way to end a fight but what do I know) and Teresa, hilariously, bolts. Straight up peaces out. She takes off out the back door in a strange, slightly crouched lope/trot that I guess Teresa thinks we think is a run? I think she thinks we think she’s running by the energetic arm-flails but really it doesn’t look very fast. “Call the cops,” she commands a pile of wood, before making a quick lap around the patio and enthusiastically walking back inside.

When Teresa returns, Gorga has beaten Giudice to the ground and is now standing back, egging his brother in law to get up. “I’ll beat the fuck out of you,” whines Giudice, lolling about the floor. Everyone, including our beloved RoRo, is huddled in little groups to the side, whispering about the drama happening with excited interest. The only exception is Melissa, who stands by her man and clearly wishes she could get a smack in. Pulling his not-inconsiderable girth up with a gurgle and a gas, Giudice bleats “You want to suck it, get over here,” at Gorga. “Guy is biting my nuts.”

Ugh, that is some overcompensating poppycock. Rather than acknowledge that he was beaten to floor fairly, Giudice attempts to protect his precious, odious, misguided manhood by implying his brother-in-law homo-ed him to the ground with gay crotch bites, therefore cheating Giudice out of a fair fight via implied faggery. No one, least of all a cutie like Gorga, wants to bite your nuts Juicy J. Also, insulting your clearly straight brother-in-law by implying he wants to suck your dick is desperate homophobia. Your bitch ass got beat, Giudice. Take it like a man, not a dickish 14-year-old.

Melissa, filled with blood lust and adrenaline, sees Teresa lurking at the outskirts, saying and doing nothing to prevent the fight. She senses an opening and goes for it. “You stood there. They were fighting and you let them fight.” +5 to Melissa for sensing a good chance to remind the world Teresa doesn’t raise a finger for anyone but Teresa. “I went to call the cops,” Teresa shoots back. What, the tree cops? What cops? No cops are coming. Teresa didn’t pick up a phone, and walked around outside to get out of the line of fire. After more shouting and posturing, Teresa drags Juicy J back to their room and the gang tries to soothe Joe and Melissa.

“That’s how you deal with trash,” Joe says, looking stricken, ‘You become trash.” Joe is having a very Nietzsche moment. He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you, etc. Steve the team building professional mills around blankly. He is fondly reminiscing about his days among the Taliban.

Giudice Room

Teresa and Juicy J are rapidly rewriting what just happened. ‘That little bitch was scratching my face,” says Joe who was definitely not just beat up at all no sir “and what his this black shit.” Joe’s shirt, hands, and clothing is covered with black smears the consistency of shoe polish.

Gorga Room

Joe and Melissa Gorga are recapping what just happened in similarly high tones. Joe is done with his sister, and Melissa is beyond down with being done with Teresa. “Saddam Hussein is someone’s brother too. That doesn’t mean he’s a nice person.” Saddam Hussein was probably a lot of people’s brother. Also, do you think Melissa Gorga knows Saddam Hussein is dead, and has been for quite some time? I can’t tell.

Giudice Room

Juicy J continues to explain why, although it might have seemed like Joe Gorga just won the fight, it was not a real win because Juicy J used uncool fag tactics and also Juicy J wasn’t even really trying. “He was biting my nuts. He bit my nuts… I had a clean shot at his nose but I didn’t take it.” Of course you did sweetie. “He called me scum!!!” Teresa repeats for the 44th time “What did I do I want to know?!” This is funny because Teresa has gone through great lengths NOT to hear what she did, ever. She has never and will never really want to know because Teresa knows, in her heart of hearts, that she has done nothing to cause anyone to be mad at her. “I don’t even know if my brother knows the meaning of family. If my dad knew he called me these insults…”Any slight to Teresa is a slight to her father, that hallowed saint. By calling Teresa scum, her brother has called her father scum and is therefore shitting on the sacred ground of family.

Wakile Room

Rosie is nursing her 14th scotch on the rocks and straight chillin’, chillin’ like a villain in a beige newsboy cap. Although RoRo and Teresa made technical peace, RoRo is not happy that instead of working things out on her own with her brother (via screaming), Teresa went outside to grab Juicy J, who clearly is not someone for calm discussion in the face of tension.

Rich: Do me a favor and put a bandana over your hair.

Shut the FUCK up, Rich, you ruin everything.

Sitting Room

Dr. V arrives. Now I get the point of Dr. V- she’s a crossover promotion from Bravo’s LA shrinks. As soon as Dr. V arrived, Teresa took her aside to get the first word in. “He called me scum. He wants me to admit something I didn’t do, that I started a rumor about Melissa being an ex-stripper.” Dr. V, smiling, tries to get more out of Teresa. “It seems like a lot of what you tell people is being misinterpreted,” Dr. V points out “At some point you’ve got to ask yourself ‘What the fuck is wrong with me?'”

For Teresa Giudice, that point is never. Dr. V hypothesizes that Teresa and her brother’s problems stem from childhood. Teresa, the older sister, helped raised little Joe and so now she’s trying to protect him.

Dining Room

Dr. V greets the gang and briefly opens up the table for discussion. She asks Melissa about the rumors being spread. “It was very hurtful” Melissa says “and I no longer want to help Joe and Teresa because Teresa already helped spread another rumor, this one about me cheating on Joe.” Bickering breaks out so Dr. V takes Joe Gorga into the sitting room to talk privately.

Sitting Room

Joe sadly tells Dr. V that he’s reached a breaking point in the relationship with his sister. “My sister think I’m insecure and jealous,” he explains with shocking clarity, “So by planting this story (about Melissa cheating) it’s to make us fight. That’s the definition of scum.”

“So do you want to make this work with her?” Dr. V asks.

Joe pauses for a long moment. “No.”

Dr. V brings in Teresa so Joe can tell her he’s not ready to repair the relationship.

Dining Room

Caroline, surprising everyone, shows up at the Haunted Stress Relief Mansion. That morning Teresa called her, asking Caroline to come up to help the situation. Earlier in the season Joe Gorga turned to Caroline for help in repairing Teresa and his relationship, so Teresa though Caroline might be able to help now.

Sitting Room

“What’s upsetting to me is our kids or going to get older, our parents are getting older, and we just don’t have that much time” Teresa says with an air of martyrdom. For Joe Gorga not to like Teresa is for Joe Gorga not to like his parents, nieces, or children. Emotional blackmail at it’s finest. When her brother remains firm on not wanting to forgive Teresa, she puts on an uncharacteristically sincere seeming display of emotion. Teresa Giudice, Saint and Family Stone, breaks down into uncontrollable sobs. Poor, sensitive Joe Gorga finally softens. Brother and sister collapse into each others arms, joining together in violent wails and a waterfall of tears. For a long moment, all the hate and resentment and lies dissolve. Wet tears laden with mascara and self-tanner drip from two Gorga faces, and the walls between two siblings crumble.

But for how long?

Rich: Honey glazed duck breasts? I wonder what fucking size tits this duck had.

Rich should not be allowed in nice restaurants. -15 to Rich

A mystery hangs in the air. After the fight,, dark streaks of black had appeared on everyone’s clothing… But from where? The gang is flummoxed, but in a laughing aside Joe Gorga explains the mystery. “I take a little black hair spray and it makes my hair look a little thicker,” he giggles. “Everyone’s asking about the black stuff, but I’m like I don’t know about the black stuff.”

+5 to Joe Gorga for knowing about the black stuff, but letting his family wonder.

Giudice Room

Juicy J and Teresa take a romantic and revolting bath while drinking champagne and discussing how much they love each other. All I can think of when I see Joe Giudice in a bath is how his farts must be constantly bubbling to the top. Joe tells Teresa that tonight they’re going to have really rough sex to make up for his anger towards her brother. Shudder. It’s the first time all episode I’ve felt bad for Teresa.

DAY 2 – Wakile Room

“Ya gotta be drunk around these people,” says a freshly awoken Rich, pouring himself a Mimosa. +5 to Rich. Rosie walks in carrying a glass of champagne and looking surprisingly… good? For the first time ever Rosie is WITHOUT a signature newsboy cap and what an improvement. She’s actually got quite nice hair, and it looks cute all mussed and natural. +10 Rosie.

Rich: Do me a favor and put a bandana over your hair.

Shut the FUCK up, Rich, you ruin everything.

Sitting Room

Dr. V arrives. Now I get the point of Dr. V- she’s a crossover promotion from Bravo’s LA shrinks. As soon as Dr. V arrived, Teresa took her aside to get the first word in. “He called me scum. He wants me to admit something I didn’t do, that I started a rumor about Melissa being an ex-stripper.” Dr. V, smiling, tries to get more out of Teresa. “It seems like a lot of what you tell people is being misinterpreted,” Dr. V points out “At some point you’ve got to ask yourself ‘What the fuck is wrong with me?'”

For Teresa Giudice, that point is never. Dr. V hypothesizes that Teresa and her brother’s problems stem from childhood. Teresa, the older sister, helped raised little Joe and so now she’s trying to protect him.

Dining Room

Dr. V greets the gang and briefly opens up the table for discussion. She asks Melissa about the rumors being spread. “It was very hurtful” Melissa says “and I no longer want to help Joe and Teresa because Teresa already helped spread another rumor, this one about me cheating on Joe.” Bickering breaks out so Dr. V takes Joe Gorga into the sitting room to talk privately.

Sitting Room

Joe sadly tells Dr. V that he’s reached a breaking point in the relationship with his sister. “My sister think I’m insecure and jealous,” he explains with shocking clarity, “So by planting this story (about Melissa cheating) it’s to make us fight. That’s the definition of scum.”

“So do you want to make this work with her?” Dr. V asks.

Joe pauses for a long moment. “No.”

Dr. V brings in Teresa so Joe can tell her he’s not ready to repair the relationship.

Dining Room

Caroline, surprising everyone, shows up at the Haunted Stress Relief Mansion. That morning Teresa called her, asking Caroline to come up to help the situation. Earlier in the season Joe Gorga turned to Caroline for help in repairing Teresa and his relationship, so Teresa though Caroline might be able to help now.

Sitting Room

“What’s upsetting to me is our kids or going to get older, our parents are getting older, and we just don’t have that much time” Teresa says with an air of martyrdom. For Joe Gorga not to like Teresa is for Joe Gorga not to like his parents, nieces, or children. Emotional blackmail at it’s finest. When her brother remains firm on not wanting to forgive Teresa, she puts on an uncharacteristically sincere seeming display of emotion. Teresa Giudice, Saint and Family Stone, breaks down into uncontrollable sobs. Poor, sensitive Joe Gorga finally softens. Brother and sister collapse into each others arms, joining together in violent wails and a waterfall of tears. For a long moment, all the hate and resentment and lies dissolve. Wet tears laden with mascara and self-tanner drip from two Gorga faces, and the walls between two siblings crumble.

But for how long?

Kathy: I’ve never had to break up a fight before. I was just worried about my nose job.

Oh preach girl preach. +10 points to Kathy for keeping it real. The Wakiles decide to go to the Giudice room. Rosie doesn’t want them to give up on trying to repair the relationship between families, Rich wants to tell Teresa that she is evil, and Kathy is just following the waves man.

Giudice Room

The Wakiles enter and immediately begin criticizing the Giudices, which irritates the Giudices to know end because criticizing them is criticising Teresa’s father, the importance of family, and probably Italy. Rich tells Teresa it was wrong to go running to Joe, and Rosie tells them to stick it out because she likes the open bar here. They convince Teresa to go to her brother and try to talk, but when she goes to the Gorga room Joe refuses to see her (he is sobbing, and has been for some time) and Melissa refuses to leave (her husband is sobbing). Teresa returns, filled with anger at this new slight. “Well he’s very upset…” Kathy points out, since Joe Gorga is indeed very upset to the point of uncontrollable sobs. “HE’S VERY UPSET?!” Teresa is pissed at Kathy’s empathy for Joe and therefore lack of empathy towards her, Teresa, the real victim here (and always) “WHAT ABOUT ME?? Think before you talk KATHY.” GOD Kathy.

Gorga Room

Omg Joe Gorga keeps crying so Melissa keeps crying and damn that is a lot of crying. Steve the team building professional comes in to say goodbye with forced cheer and shifty eyes. He is ready to return to the Middle East, where people are more composed. Steve and his boring sidekick (wife?) also tell the Gorgas to stick it out, and they agree to spent the night cooling off and try again tomorrow.

Dining Room

Everyone except the Giudices make dinner.

Rich: Honey glazed duck breasts? I wonder what fucking size tits this duck had.

Rich should not be allowed in nice restaurants. -15 to Rich

A mystery hangs in the air. After the fight,, dark streaks of black had appeared on everyone’s clothing… But from where? The gang is flummoxed, but in a laughing aside Joe Gorga explains the mystery. “I take a little black hair spray and it makes my hair look a little thicker,” he giggles. “Everyone’s asking about the black stuff, but I’m like I don’t know about the black stuff.”

+5 to Joe Gorga for knowing about the black stuff, but letting his family wonder.

Giudice Room

Juicy J and Teresa take a romantic and revolting bath while drinking champagne and discussing how much they love each other. All I can think of when I see Joe Giudice in a bath is how his farts must be constantly bubbling to the top. Joe tells Teresa that tonight they’re going to have really rough sex to make up for his anger towards her brother. Shudder. It’s the first time all episode I’ve felt bad for Teresa.

DAY 2 – Wakile Room

“Ya gotta be drunk around these people,” says a freshly awoken Rich, pouring himself a Mimosa. +5 to Rich. Rosie walks in carrying a glass of champagne and looking surprisingly… good? For the first time ever Rosie is WITHOUT a signature newsboy cap and what an improvement. She’s actually got quite nice hair, and it looks cute all mussed and natural. +10 Rosie.

Rich: Do me a favor and put a bandana over your hair.

Shut the FUCK up, Rich, you ruin everything.

Sitting Room

Dr. V arrives. Now I get the point of Dr. V- she’s a crossover promotion from Bravo’s LA shrinks. As soon as Dr. V arrived, Teresa took her aside to get the first word in. “He called me scum. He wants me to admit something I didn’t do, that I started a rumor about Melissa being an ex-stripper.” Dr. V, smiling, tries to get more out of Teresa. “It seems like a lot of what you tell people is being misinterpreted,” Dr. V points out “At some point you’ve got to ask yourself ‘What the fuck is wrong with me?'”

For Teresa Giudice, that point is never. Dr. V hypothesizes that Teresa and her brother’s problems stem from childhood. Teresa, the older sister, helped raised little Joe and so now she’s trying to protect him.

Dining Room

Dr. V greets the gang and briefly opens up the table for discussion. She asks Melissa about the rumors being spread. “It was very hurtful” Melissa says “and I no longer want to help Joe and Teresa because Teresa already helped spread another rumor, this one about me cheating on Joe.” Bickering breaks out so Dr. V takes Joe Gorga into the sitting room to talk privately.

Sitting Room

Joe sadly tells Dr. V that he’s reached a breaking point in the relationship with his sister. “My sister think I’m insecure and jealous,” he explains with shocking clarity, “So by planting this story (about Melissa cheating) it’s to make us fight. That’s the definition of scum.”

“So do you want to make this work with her?” Dr. V asks.

Joe pauses for a long moment. “No.”

Dr. V brings in Teresa so Joe can tell her he’s not ready to repair the relationship.

Dining Room

Caroline, surprising everyone, shows up at the Haunted Stress Relief Mansion. That morning Teresa called her, asking Caroline to come up to help the situation. Earlier in the season Joe Gorga turned to Caroline for help in repairing Teresa and his relationship, so Teresa though Caroline might be able to help now.

Sitting Room

“What’s upsetting to me is our kids or going to get older, our parents are getting older, and we just don’t have that much time” Teresa says with an air of martyrdom. For Joe Gorga not to like Teresa is for Joe Gorga not to like his parents, nieces, or children. Emotional blackmail at it’s finest. When her brother remains firm on not wanting to forgive Teresa, she puts on an uncharacteristically sincere seeming display of emotion. Teresa Giudice, Saint and Family Stone, breaks down into uncontrollable sobs. Poor, sensitive Joe Gorga finally softens. Brother and sister collapse into each others arms, joining together in violent wails and a waterfall of tears. For a long moment, all the hate and resentment and lies dissolve. Wet tears laden with mascara and self-tanner drip from two Gorga faces, and the walls between two siblings crumble.

But for how long?

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