TV

The AfterEllen.com Huddle: Women in Prison

Women in prison is not a new trope by any means, but one that can be really, really good when it’s done well. Case in point: Orange is the New Black. Critics and viewers have been giving the Netflix series rave reviews, which makes this the perfect opportunity to discuss our favorite babes behind bars scenes from TV or film.

OK, ready? BREAK!

Elaine Atwell: As you’re all about to find out when I write my recaps, I think Wentworth is one of the most brilliant shows I’ve ever seen. It’s a hell of a lot darker than Orange is the New Black, I think mostly because it’s set in a facility populated by violent, deeply scarred women. The stories it tells, which are almost always about the interactions between flawed individual psychologies and equally flawed institutions, reach me on both a visceral and intellectual level. Plus, as my (straight) friend texted me after binge watching the entire first season, “Franky is the hottest character of all time.”

Punky Starshine: I can’t choose one scene, because in Wentworth, the power struggle between Franky and Erica where there should be no struggle (as their power positions are clearly defined) made for palpable sexual tension. And in Orange is the New Black, any time Piper and Alex were within 10 feet of each other (present-day AND flashbacks), their chemistry was so insane, it made my skin tingle. So I abstain from choosing!

Marcie Bianco: In “Fucksgiving” when Piper gets out of “the SHU,” marches straight to Alex, leads her to an empty room, and starts going at her like a beast. “The SHU” makes people give zero fucks!

Dorothy Snarker: My favorite women’s prison scene is whenever Alex takes off or puts on her glasses in Orange Is the New Black. All day, every day. I’d go to prison for that.

Kim Hoffman: Around the time I was in high school, a film came out that I remember seeing on television: A Stranger Inside. I watched it every single time it was on a network, because I was more fascinated by the women and their twisted relationships than the prison plot itself. One girl actually makes her prison outfit look hot. (There’s sexy chapel-time moments.) The main character Treasure, who only gets in trouble and sent to prison for the sole purpose of tracking down her mom, Brownie, finds she’s now head mama of a prison family. Brownie even has “daughters” who feel they have a so-called safety with her, that is until everything hits the fan. This was an incredible raw story about the conditions in women’s prisons and the structure of their relationships with one another-sexual, romantic, homophobic, role-played, broken, trusting, distrusting, and so on. And-there are some buff scenes out on the yard/basketball court where you really see these women in action, and they make wearing jersey grey look bad-ass.

Bridget McManus: My favorite is probably also my wife’s favorite too. In the 1996 film Freeway Reese Witherspoon and the late Brittany Murphy play two out of control teens that end up in juvie together. Murphy plays a wackadoo lesbian paint-huffer who convinces Witherspoon to make out with her. This movie is a hot mess of goodness.

Karman Kregloe: Yep, Freeway is the best. It’s Little Red Riding Hood reimagined as a trashy modern serial killer flick, so of course it’s amazing! One of my favorite moments is when Witherspoon finally stops resisting Murphy’s advances and tells her, “Alright, I’ll make out with you, but no fuckin’!”

Lucy Hallowell: I am going with Bad Girls. I am a sucker for an impossible love story. Nothing makes me happier than watching two people who can’t be together because of circumstance, class, societal pressure, or inconveniently being locked up in a jail cell try to resist the irrevocable pull of love. Add to that the melodious sounds of Helen Stewart’s accent and I’ll just be over here on my fainting couch. Seeeriously.

Dana Piccoli: Remember Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2? Correction, remember Linda Hamilton’s muscles in Terminator 2? She makes the the best of her time in psychiatric detention by doing chin-ups to prep for the end of the world. Seven Minute Apocalypse Abs. Plus she will stab you right in your goddamn kneecap. Don’t push her.

Jill Guccini: Because I will use as many huddles to reminisce about the Golden Girls as possible, my vote is for when those kooky ladies get arrested for being prostitutes on their way to see Burt Reynolds. And then Sofia comes to bail them out but actually just ends up stealing the Burt Reynolds tickets, lolz. They are definitely the snazziest dressed old ladies in the block.

Erika Star: I struggled with my favorite prison scene because there’s just so many gosh darn fabulous women behind bars! My gut told me to go with Claire Danes and Kate Beckinsale in Brokedown Palace because OMG MAKEOUT ALREADY. Then there was Catherine Zeta-Jones in Chicago‘s “Cell Block Tango” or Lady Gaga entangled in the prisonyard kiss heard round the world, but both of those songs reminded me of exes and, well, gross. Then I remembered Portia De Rossi in Arrested Development and my decision was made.

Nicole Schultz: I am going to go with the latest installment of Rizzoli and Isles for my pick. It was pretty damn hot when Jane laid the smack down on Maura’s fellow bunkmates in the holding cell. There was such passion and anger when she saw someone had marred the doctor’s beautiful face. I was hoping the scene would have ended with her grabbing Maura by the back of the head for a forceful kiss, all the while eye-balling the inmates. “You see this…its MINE, MINE…”

Grace Chu: Lady Gaga‘s “Telephone” video featuring Beyonce is a women in prison sketch that I can still watch on repeat. Gaga is arrested for the murder of her boyfriend from the “Paparazzi” video and is tossed in the clink, where she is stripped down to pasties, proves to everyone that she does not have male sexual organs and then kisses a fierce butch in the prison yard.

A fight breaks out in a common area as Gaga is summoned to answer a call from Beyonce, and bystanders cheer. After Gaga picks up the phone during the raucous melee, she finds out that Beyonce a/k/a Honey B is nice enough to bail her out of jail. Honey B picks Gaga up in Kill Bill‘s Pussy Wagon, and they agree to exact revenge on Honey B’s womanizing boyfriend, played by Tyrese, by poisoning him. The next few lines are some of the best in any production.

Gaga: You know what they say-once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger.

Beyonce: Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broke.

Gaga: But you can still see the crack in that mother f*cker’s reflection.

Gaga takes over the kitchen of the diner where Tyrese is hanging out and starts cooking up a storm-and adds the planned secret ingredient to Tyrese’s condiments. After being poisoned, Tyrese falls face first into his eggs and biscuits, but it turns out Gaga decided that one guy expiring by tainted breakfast wasn’t enough. The entire restaurant keels over from her delectably deadly recipes, she and Honey B make a run for it in the Pussy Wagon. As they drive towards the horizon, they clasp hands, and the final scene is framed in a giant heart.

Hmm… I think it’s time to make a road trip. Who wants to drive to Westboro Baptist Church and make a sandwich? Ok, I kid. I kid.

Trish Bendix: I’m going with Nancy’s (Mary-Louise Parker) prison GF, Zoya, on Weeds. If only they could’ve worked things out! I guess Jenji Kohan was inspired to instead save the prison fodder for OITNB.

What’s your favorite women-in-prison scenario on screen?

Dara Nai: The most memorable prison scene has got to be from The L Word, when Bette and Candace the carpenter were thrown into the same jail cell. Candace had previously told Bette that when people hire a contractor, they always want it good, fast and cheap. But you can only have two out of three: good and fast, but it won’t be cheap, good and cheap, but it won’t be fast, or fast and cheap, but it won’t be any damn good. Now, alone in a one-cot cell wearing prison-issued quick-release draw string pants and all the guards on a lunch break, they could totally get it on, but what do they do instead? Candace lies down and Bette has her way with the cold, hard wall- pressing her face into its grimy surface, her hot, dewy breath reactivating whatever mold has been lying dormant there. It redefined “dirty talk” and didn’t cost them a thing. I bet there are thousands of lesbians who never wanted to be a cinder block so much in their lives. It lasted all of a minute and a half, so I guess Candace was wrong. You can have it good, fast and cheap

Grace Chu: Lady Gaga‘s “Telephone” video featuring Beyonce is a women in prison sketch that I can still watch on repeat. Gaga is arrested for the murder of her boyfriend from the “Paparazzi” video and is tossed in the clink, where she is stripped down to pasties, proves to everyone that she does not have male sexual organs and then kisses a fierce butch in the prison yard.

A fight breaks out in a common area as Gaga is summoned to answer a call from Beyonce, and bystanders cheer. After Gaga picks up the phone during the raucous melee, she finds out that Beyonce a/k/a Honey B is nice enough to bail her out of jail. Honey B picks Gaga up in Kill Bill‘s Pussy Wagon, and they agree to exact revenge on Honey B’s womanizing boyfriend, played by Tyrese, by poisoning him. The next few lines are some of the best in any production.

Gaga: You know what they say-once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger.

Beyonce: Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broke.

Gaga: But you can still see the crack in that mother f*cker’s reflection.

Gaga takes over the kitchen of the diner where Tyrese is hanging out and starts cooking up a storm-and adds the planned secret ingredient to Tyrese’s condiments. After being poisoned, Tyrese falls face first into his eggs and biscuits, but it turns out Gaga decided that one guy expiring by tainted breakfast wasn’t enough. The entire restaurant keels over from her delectably deadly recipes, she and Honey B make a run for it in the Pussy Wagon. As they drive towards the horizon, they clasp hands, and the final scene is framed in a giant heart.

Hmm… I think it’s time to make a road trip. Who wants to drive to Westboro Baptist Church and make a sandwich? Ok, I kid. I kid.

Trish Bendix: I’m going with Nancy’s (Mary-Louise Parker) prison GF, Zoya, on Weeds. If only they could’ve worked things out! I guess Jenji Kohan was inspired to instead save the prison fodder for OITNB.

What’s your favorite women-in-prison scenario on screen?

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