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“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.8): Moscow Mule

Pharmacy!

Flu is raging through the prison and everyone is lined up for meds. O’Neill asks people not to sneeze on him. Crazy Eyes tells O’Neill she has mad control over her epiglottis. Diaz runs out of line to vomit. Oh, Diaz, that nausea had better be due to the flu.

Dorms!

Chapman is working on a craft project. Something with a pen and maxi pads. And hair bands… It’s a cold mask for Miss Claudette! Claudette complains that she looks like Michael Jackson and Chapman begs to differ, then busts out some wicked dance moves.

Cafeteria!

Healy greets Chapman with “Well, if it isn’t Lichfield’s biggest celebrity!” Looks like Larry published that article. I thought there would be an issue over Chapman’s “time to process,” but I guess she’s had that. Chapman is happy that he’s in the New York Times. Healy, however, is evidently not thrilled about the article: He dumps it in the trash and pours coffee on it so Chapman can’t read it.

Pharmacy!

A very pregnant Maria does not need cold medicine. She’s a little more focused on being in labor right now.

Kitchen!

Norma touches up Red’s color. Mustache slimes in and mentions that Tricia is in withdrawal since his supply has been running low. Mendez tells Red to walk her through it quietly for everyone’s good. Red is furious that Mendez has been keeping Tricia hooked.

Red’s flashback!

Red’s husband and his legitimate businessman associates are discussing hiding income. Red serves coffee and suggests that they get into something more steady than the restaurant business, like military or government contracts. Most of the men-including her husband-make a little fun as she walks away, but the big boss knows she’s onto something.

Newsstand!

Larry buys a bunch of copies of the paper and impresses the newsstand guys by being in it. Chapman calls Larry as he gets home and wants to hear his big article. She also asks him to Google labor symptoms for Maria; if she guesses closest to the birth time, Chapman wins a Twix. Chapman gets bummed out that she can’t be at Larry’s celebration for his big column with all their friends, especially since all she has to look forward to is some caramel. Chapman sucks it up and wishes Larry well and says he deserves it. But she could maybe work on faking a brighter tone of voice when she does that. Larry reads her the article.

Hallways!

Maria and friends walk around, trying to get her to go into full labor. One suggests eating pineapple and brings her the closest thing they can get, a pineapple soda. Another says she should play with her nipples to get things going. Maria hates everything in the world.

Electrical shop!

Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) and Chapman are the only people there. Nichols does not believe in getting sick. Luschek gives them a book and tells them to go fix a dryer in the laundry room, apparently with elven magic, since they certainly don’t know what they’re doing.

Library!

Pousséy asks Taystee about her early release hearing. It doesn’t sound like it went too well. Pousséy says at least her hair looked good.

Laundry!

Chapman and Nichols arrive. Nichols porn-dialogue flirts with Alex. It almost works until Nichols gets too hetero with it. Chapman is deeply uncomfortable. Alex lets them know that the dryer they need to fix is named Myra, and then Silent Norma “calls” Nichols over by tossing little nuts at her. Nichols goes to help and Alex admires how Chapman looks in her tool belt. Chapman still has no idea how to fix the dryer.

Red’s Lair

Red is pissed that Tricia screwed up (again) and wants to send her down the hill to where the hard-time prisoners are. Nichols says Tricia is done if she goes down there and they both know it. Nichols pleads for another chance for Tricia, says that it’s just chemical, and drugs have a way of making you do things you don’t want to do. Red replies “So do I.”

Laundry!

Chapman randomly futzes with the dryer and shocks herself (again). Alex fills Chapman in on some tasty prison guard gossip: Sometimes O’Neill’s boxers end up in the visiting room guard’s laundry. They’re just starting to have some real fun when Doggett shows up to be a living wet bathing suit with sand in the crotch.

Alex offers to help with repairs, on account of knowing Myra so well and all, but Chapman declines. She doesn’t want trouble. Alex helps anyway.

Dorms!

Tricia has some truly terrible shakes. Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) arrives with orange juice and jokes. Tricia says at least the timing is lucky since the guards just think she has the flu. Tricia thinks no one will find out and swears she’ll get back on track. Nichols says no, that Tricia has to rat herself out on Red’s orders. Tricia is getting thrown into SHU and she’s out of the family. Harsh. Nichols walks away, hating this.

Maria is still having a bad time. Mom Diaz tells Maria to pray the baby doesn’t turn out like Diaz. Maria says Diaz and her mom are a walking cautionary tale. And then she’s finally off to the medical van.

Laundry!

Alex climbs into the dryer to help fix it while Chapman holds the flashlight and reads the manual to her. Chapman goes to get more batteries and Doggett runs up and locks Alex inside. Oh, no.

Caputo’s office!

Caputo calls Mustache in to let him know about the prisoner with the DTs. He’s not happy that product is moving through his prison. Mendez weasels that it must be the prisoners smuggling stuff in and says Tricia is an isolated incident. Caputo makes it clear that he won’t be the one going down for it if a bunch of junkies get discovered inside.

Caputo and Mendez take a moment to go into a homophobic panic over whether mustaches are a gay thing now. We do, however, get the phrase “cunt-ramming awesome” out of it, so nothing is all bad.

Laundry!

Chapman finds Alex. She wants to go get help, but Alex knows she’ll get in trouble for helping with a repair. She begs Chapman not to leave her. And this time Chapman doesn’t.

Guard tower!

Mendez checks the list of the prison’s approved vendors. It’s a very short list, but doesn’t help him. The gate guard dreams up an awesome Vegetable People horror movie while Mustache douches around and then spots Morello driving the prison van through the gate. Gate Guard has a great time with a small but sparkling role. Rock on, Gate Guard!

Laundry!

Chapman does some ineffective fumbling with the door. Shouldn’t they make industrial dryers have internal latches, like they do car trunks? Alex asks after Nichols and Chapman says “Your girlfriend?” Alex wonders if she was supposed to wait for Chapman to come around. Chapman says she’s engaged and gets served a tall, frosty glass of “Yeah, right.” Chapman says maybe they can be friends, and Alex points out that they weren’t friends before. They were lohvahhhhhs.

Alex says Chapman’s been a horse’s ass-which, again, given the fact that Alex knows damn well she ratted Chapman out, is a bit of a stretch. Chapman doesn’t know that, but she still gets frustrated enough that she starts kicking the dryer, which is a bad strategy all around. It’s also a bad time for Luschek to come in and check on her.

Van!

Mendez is making Morello drive way far away from the grounds, and she’s terrified. Mustache demands to know how Red gets stuff into the kitchen. Morello says she doesn’t know. Mustache asks again and says it’s going to be very bad if she doesn’t tell him. Morello is so afraid she’s going to get hurt right now I can’t stand it. But she’s also firm about the point that she really doesn’t know. Mendez has her drive back.

Healy’s office

Luschek turns Alex and Chapman in. He calls them “the blonde one and the hot one.” Healy dismisses Luschek while mispronouncing his name. Oh, wow, Luschek really is the low-status prison employee around here.

Chapman tries to say the whole repair incident was her fault, but Healy just wants to know if the women were using the dryers to pleasure themselves. Alex is more of a dishwasher kind of gal. Snort. Healy says he’s just going to write them up, and then takes another dig at Chapman being in the paper.

Dorms!

Red is moving silent Norma into Nichols’ cube, saying this will be good for Nichols. Nichols is furious that she hasn’t even had a say. And says she’d prefer a friend who doesn’t drink Red’s Kool-Aid. Red replies “Are you finished? You’re starting to sound finished.” Daaaamn. Nichols storms off. I hate it when she and Red fight. Oh, crap, Mendez just saw an opportunity.

Red flashback!

Red, who was totally right about the government contracts, is now sitting with the big brains while her husband does the serving. Just a little marriage adjustment.

Bar!

Larry and Piper’s friends toast his success. Polly, who has to stay sober with the pregnancy, asks how Larry is doing. Larry recognizes that he’s lucky, but is bumming hard. He wonders if he’s an ungrateful douchebag. Polly can’t answer because she needs to go to the hospital to have a baby.

Chapman’s cube!

Miss Claudette asks Chapman what it’s like when Larry visits. Chapman admits it’s weird-not enough time and too much, and sometimes you just need to walk away. Chapman asks why Claudette never has visitors. She says she just needed to walk away.

Flashback!

Piper walks in to the living room with a pregnancy test. She thinks she might want a baby; Larry points out that she’s going to prison soon. And, wow, for the first time in I don’t know how long, a piece of popular entertainment mentions abortion as something that an established couple might discuss. Or even a white character with a job. Piper thinks a pregnancy would make her time in prison meaningful-but the pregnancy test is negative. She’s really sad. Larry is less so, but at least he hugs her.

Hospital!

Pete and Polly are exhausted. And parents. Larry phones it in to Chapman. He also lets her know how many people asked after her that night-even people that don’t know her, because of the article. Piper knows the girl in the article isn’t her. And asks Larry if the insults Alex threw at her are true. Everything that Piper can’t do right now is hitting her all at once.

Rec room!

Maria is wheeled back in and everyone goes silent. You don’t get to keep your new baby with you in prison. You just come back alone.

Chapel!

Nichols is listening to music on the altar when Mustache sleazebags in. He mentions Tricia’s extended sentence just to make sure Nichols is good and mad, then asks how Red gets the contraband in. Nichols is exactly pissed off enough to tell him the contraband comes in with Neptune’s Produce. Uh oh.

Lunch!

Taystee looks stunned. She heard back from the board… She’s getting out!

Red’s flashback!

Younger Healy leads Newbie Red in, wondering if she might be interested in helping in the kitchen. She meets Norma, who’s already not speaking. Red’s not even officially kitchen help yet and she’s already eyeing the produce crates.

Prison gates!

Mustache stops the Neptune’s Produce van for a talk with the driver.

Alex’s cube!

Now Alex has the flu, but she invites weird-mood Chapman in. Alex knows Chapman’s depressed. Chapman knows how much Larry got wrong about her and her life in the article. And she’s not crazy about her life being reduced that way. Chapman feels like she’s missing so much. Alex takes her hand and twines their fingers together. And, yes, it’s sweet, but CHAPMAN: DO NOT HAVE AN EX DRUG-RUNNER GIRLFRIEND.

Alex wonders if they’re having a moment or if Chapman is freaked. Chapman just sneezes.

Diaz’s Cube!

Mom Diaz brings her a bucket to puke in. She mothers Diaz a bit-and totally knows Diaz is pregnant.

See you tomorrow for another episode. In the meantime, enjoy your appliances exactly as you see fit.

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